Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hi, i'm new here. i need some help. i've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 1.5 years. i'm extremely tired. i have literally nobody to talk to, all my friends and family has been driven away due to my relationship. i'm so so so tired. i'm tired of the emotional roller coaster. i'm tired of emotionally relying on him and then being horribly let down. i'm tired of feeling like this. i'm tired of feeling trapped. i'm tired of feeling lonely. i'm tired of waking up every day to go to work. i'm tired of acting like i'm ok. i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of caring so much about someone who could care less about me. i'm tired of feeling like a piece of glass that could break at any second and trying desperately to hold myself together. i'm tired of not being able to walk away. i'm tired of literally being prisoner to this abuse. i'm tired of feeling lost and powerless. i'm tired of feeling like i'm absolutely worthless. i'm just tired. and i know that its not going to get easier any time soon. whether i walk away or stay i know its not going to get easier. and i just don't know if i have anything left in me to keep fighting or keep going on.
First, Now that you're broken up, block him from social media, email, your phone & don't answer the door if he comes to your house. If you live together, either move out or change the locks if you own the house or the lease is in your name. Document everything. Keeping a record of his actions, messages, etc. is important in case he escalates and you need to call the police. This is so they can see the history of his behavior. Chances are he'll be back. Breakups are just one of many abuser behaviors to suck us back in.
Second, Go IMMEDIATELY to your women's shelter ASAP and do the following.
* If you're still entangled with him financially and/or he has keys to your house/apt., then you will need the shelter to help you make a SAFE plan to extricate yourself.
* If you're married to him, are common law in your state or have intermingled finances, you'll need a good attorney who understands the dynamics and effects of a abuse.
* Its critical to ask them for referrals to specially trained trauma release therapists who understand the dynamics and effects of abuse. Unfortunately many therapists don't. Trauma release therapists are trained in other modalities besides talk therapy and CBT which, by themselves, don't really help us heal.
The longer we stay with an abuser and the longer we don't get the appropriate therapy, the less chance we have of any kind of healing. Everyone's healing time and process varies. BUT, You need to remember that it took years to get where we are and so it will take years to heal, Sadly, there are no words, pills or magic wands to undo the damage & trauma abuse causes. Even in a normal relationship, experts say it takes from 1-2 yrs to heal for every 5-7 yrs in the relationship and that's when it was NOT traumatic. There's also a grief process we need to go thru. And yes, even when its an abusive relationship.
I'm sorry, but, imho, why we end up with abusers has nothing to do with god. I don't think god causes things to happen. And I sure as hell do NOT think god caused you be with an abuser because you deserved it! (At least that's not the kind of god I believe in.) People are have free will and PEOPLE, not god, CHOOSE their actions AND how they react to things, especially things beyond their control. An abuser CHOOSES how to behave.
Abusers are, imho, horribly wounded people. But that is NOT an excuse for them to abuse. And there is NOTHING anyone but the abuser can do to fix/heal/change them. Sadly, less than 2% of abusers change for the better permanently. So its best to get out and stay out.
No one - NO ONE - deserves to be abused. No one! Please get yourself to a specially trained trauma release therapist and start your healing journey now. Know that we heal as fast and as much as the effort we put into our healing. And it will take a concerted effort and determination. But it is so very worth it. You are worth it!!!
Here is a link to a thread I wrote a while back based on years of trying to find a good & helpful therapist. It has suggested questions to ask a potential therapist. https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/questions-to-ask-a-potential-therapist
The other thing that is critical for our healing is practicing self-care. Here is a link with some suggestions for that. Now that he is out of your life, the abuse 'fog' will begin to clear enough for you to start practicing extreme self-care. Here are two links that discuss self-love and self-care
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/what-we-focus-on-expands-practicing-self-care
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/focusing-on-self-love-amp-self-care
It will be hard at first. But it does get better. Here is a link to a video, "how to be alone" that has some excellent suggestions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
Those of us who lived with abuse have been in an emotional car wreck that affects us body, mind and spirit. The longer we were in that never-ending wreck, the longer it will take to heal. We develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms and while they helped us survive, when we get out of the wrecked car, we need to be grateful we survived and do whatever it takes for however long it takes to heal ourselves body, mind and spirit. That's what trauma release therapists are for - to help us facilitate our healing. They cannot heal us. We have to do that. But they have the tools to help and teach us healthy self-care, learn to trust our inner knowing above all other, how to set and keep boundaries, how to recognize red flags, help/teach us to rebuild our self confidence and self esteem and most importantly to once again (or for the first time) to LOVE OURSELVES.
A wise therapist once told me (over and over again) that in order to have a happy healthy relationship with anyone else, we must first have that with ourselves. It's critical that we love ourselves, no matter what our parents, teachers, church, society says, we are NOT being selfish or self-centered. If we cannot and/or do not love ourselves, how are we going to be capable of loving anyone else? Using an analogy from airlines - put your oxygen mask on FIRST. Then put it on your loved ones, including your kids. Because if you don't put yours on FIRST, then you will die before you can get them on others who may be scared and fighting you.
Be good to you! You deserve to live an abuse free life!!
I tried looking up women shelter's near me and i keep getting homeless shelters... i don't think thats the one for me.
And you're right. I gave unconditional love to my partner because I knew he was damaged, i thought that if i showered him with what love really was like that he would eventually love me back. I basically served him my heart on a silver platter and all he did was take it and manipulate it, and cut it up in the worst way he could. I will never ever understand how a human-being could do that to someone they supposedly said they "loved back". I can hardly recognize who i am anymore. I thought i used to be this mentally strong women who never backed down but I have stopped standing up for myself a long time ago. I am weak, so so so weak and battered. To the point where its hard for me to find motivation to live. And i have absolutely no love left for myself and have no idea where to even begin to start loving myself again.
I hate myself for staying in this relationship. I hate myself for becoming this pathetic and pitiful human-being who let someone like him shit all over me. I did this. I forgave him over and over again, knowing he'd just hurt me again. And i lost all my friends and family too because nobody could understand me and i don't even understand myself anymore. If its not God then you're right, it was me. And i hate myself so much for this. I feel like theres nothing left of me but an empty shell.
If you're in the United States, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they should be able to give you info about the shelter nearest you. http://www.thehotline.org/
Also, if you haven't already searched "domestic abuse" or "domestic violence" (leave out the word 'shelter' in your area, and there is nothing, call the closest United Way and ask them. When I searched "domestic abuse" I found all kinds of sites that offer an 800 # and lists of shelters nation-wide. Even if you don't need to live at a shelter, many shelters offer free support groups and other resources. Some shelters are not all that helpful, but you gotta keep calling.
At some point, I hope you are able to reconnect with family and friends and explain what happened.
This is another link that might be helpful when sharing with them because what happens is we end up trauma bonded. Even after several years of therapy, we can still be trauma bonded. That's how insidious abuse is. https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/trauma-bond_10
Please do NOT blame yourself. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. I know this is hard to believe, but you need to keep telling yourself that. And that's just another reason why therapy is so critical in our healing.
You are so much more than an empty shell. That's just a much needed defense mechanism that most people end up feeling. But its not true. You ARE in there. Take a moment and look at yourself in the mirror. Look into your eyes and say "I love you." "I deserve to be loved." "I am worthy." "I am lovable." "I am GOOD." You probably won't believe it, but I will bet that you will have a strong emotional reaction. Keep doing this at least 10 times a day, every day until you believe it. Also, there is a great website, www.healthjourneys.com that offers wonderful guided imagery by Belleruth Naparstek. There is a free relaxation download if you sign up for the newsletter. (You can unsubscribe later, if you want.) You can try that and see if you like her voice. She does one for ptsd/trauma that is excellent. (I'm not associated w/her in any way but as a happy customer.)
Remember, one baby step at a time. Know that healing isn't linear. At best, its zig zag, goes in circles, up/down, forward/back & side to side. But each movement takes us further into healing. Our psyche's will only allow us to move as we are ready. And even when it seems we've fallen further back, we never go back as far as where we started.