So sorry your dealing with this my dad is controlling I still love at home. I bought sky the other day out of my own money it's cable for Americans, but in UK it's called sky, I'm paying the deposit and monthly bill my mum cancelled it when she use to pay for it be ause they spend loads of time at caravan(thank goodness) but yet my dad still feels he should sign up online to check MY bill and it's his email address and I can't do anything it's my mums name because it's her house

I know how you feel I can't afford to move out, but if you've tried everything I would consider leaving. My dad was same as your husband acted like sun shined out of his ass but he was a bully behind the doors! I know it's hard, but try and get support do your parents first step is telling someone what he's like like family members and getting support from them.

It has been so helpful to vent this out here and to have your support and read thru the stories here.

I am working on finding adequate employment. I am currently substitute teaching. I have my degree but not really specialized... I'll have to go back and get my teaching certificate to get a real teaching job. Or I could go back and do nursing. I am weighing all the options. I am going to work on my resume and maybe put it on sites like monster job.

I do have some friends and family who know what he's like.

So I am taking some steps.

Hear hear Livndadrem

'Any adult who doesn't already know and show those things, won't learn them because you ask them to.

Abuse is NOT a "miscommunication". Abuse is NOT sorted by sitting down and explaining to someone that being abused isn't what you wanted. '

An abuser 'needs' control Has no empathy for others pain, instead they enjoy inflicting pain..and they destroy others lives. You can't change an abuser by 'having a chat' with them. Hoping they will see reason..Ever.

Its also not at all 'rude' to point out that certain advise should be bypassed. You have to fully understand abusers and abuse..to know that they don't ever change. No approach to fix them..ever works.

Somes facts re abusive controlling relationships:

Couples counselling does NOT work with a controlling abuser. Its NOT a couples problem..its a problem singlehandedly caused by the controlling abuser.

Abusers don't change. No matter what efforts you make to try to change them.

Making a child do 50 push ups just because they wrote an essay about muscles IS abuse.

(Lovemypreciousfamily said it..Forcing a child to do press ups as a punishment is not only sick it's child abuse'

Making children gain and lose points in relation to having a social life. IS abuse.

Making your children and your dog scared of you.. IS abuse.

Making your partner seek 'permission' to make free choices re them ever choosing to change plans.. and not supporting your partner getting a break. IS controlling abuse.

Unplugging the internet as punishment for non compliance with his rules for all of you. IS abuse.

Checking your 16 yr olds teeth and insisting he has them brushed by 8.30pm and then scraping them and then threatening to dock your allowance if all is then still not to his liking. IS abuse.

Telling your children that if they dare wake him up that they will get a spanking. IS abuse.

Telling you that God would bless you more if you did a better job cleaning house. IS abuse.

Abuse is ALL about control. He so clearly wants control. Control over your renters... control over his staff at work.. and control over his children, and control over you..

He also has fantasies about running something for addicts where he has total control. Even his porn habit is blamed on you and his need for control. More control.

'Drop everything and have sex with me right this minute' Is paramount to marital rape, and is SERIOUS abuse. It is also ALL about control.

All of his abuse. Is about control.

Its not at all helpful that you are made feel any guilt re how this might be affecting your children.

You are not a bad mother who is failing their children. You are a lovely women who is getting hugely blindsided and totally confused by trying to constantly appease a seriously controlling abuser.

You are stuck spinning around totally confused trying to juggle the very nasty balls he keeps throwing you.

Its not at all helpful that you're asked why do you put up with this? You put up with this because abusers strip you of all confidence and make you live in constant fear and confusion.

You quite clearly put up with it because of your huge fear of the unknown and alternative... and all that you fear is involved in leaving. That is totally understandable. (Sometimes managing the devil you know..seems easier than the devil you imagine)..

All you need to concentrate on. Is how his controlling abusive and unreasonable behaviour is making you and your children walk on eggshells and to live scared and miserable. Constantly jumping to his controlling rules...and how it is not your fault in any way whatsoever.

How he makes you question if its you? When its so clearly not you.

Maybe I need to compromise more. Do more. Be better. Maybe we weren't the right personality match and that isn't reason enough to leave. Then there's my faith and the belief you stay together no matter what. I use to pray he would have an affair so I could religiously get out and be in the right. About 5 yrs ago I quit caring about being spiritually right but I can not bring myself to divorce. Honestly, aside from him, my life is nice. I shouldn't complain.

Sorry no. You have many many reasons to complain..Your life is not at all nice... in the way a 'nice' life should be. And no. Its NOT at all you. Its all HIM.

Sorry but its true..NOTHING you will ever try or do. Will ever change him. He has had a very abusive Narcissistic father, who programmed him to be the exact same. A little less angry yelling, unfortunately does not make him any better.

You will continue to see how all his behaviours are very unacceptable and wrong. You will get to see that he will never get any better. How it will never get ANY easier for any of you.

How NONE of it is your fault... in any way whatsoever.

Like Rosiekins so rightly said...(I was just not ready until I was ready)

You WILL leave when YOU are ready, and NOT a moment sooner.

You're on the right track focusing on your strengths and on your future ability to earn your own living.

You're on the right track learning more and more about what you are suffering..and what abuse is all about.

The more you wake up to the fact that abuse is not love...and that in fact and truth, that he is your worst enemy. The nearer you will get to your 'enough is enough' moment..which is when you will finally realise that he will only get worse, and that is when you will leave. No sooner.

I'm wishing you your 'enough is enough' moment. When YOU are ready.

Please be sure.. and fully know..that you..and your children.. all deserve... SO much better.

Hugs to you..because I know exactly what its like..I lived it too..but thankfully..I finally got my freedom from abuse. I finally realised, that nothing I could do, would ever make it any better. I also tried, for way longer than I should have. But thats what abuse does to you.

You will get there too. Hang on in there. Your freedom from abuse..will come.

So I indulged him tonight. I went to a marriage bible study at our church. It was good because I think he showed himself for what he is even there. It's an established program bible study. And all he could say is "I think it would work better this way". He would prefer something w an older mentor couple. He even said he wants to pick a mentor couple for us. Not us pick them. "I want to look at a list and pick who I want to mentor us." Of course he does. He wants to pick someone he thinks will agree with his views of submission. I've been on to that trick for awhile. Anyway. I felt a bit vindicated that even at bible study it's starting to show.

So what will you do about it now? Don't let him choose! Don't "indulge" his abuse! Don't get yourself into that situation where you let him "stack the deck". It could turn into "abuse by proxy" (I relate to that term) where more people than just him start putting rules on you and messing with your head. I think you should say "no". Or you choose the couple you want. (One or two of those divorced friends of yours eh? Sorry just joking) Really, in some ways you sound a lot like me. Don't set yourself up. I am going out on a limb here but I find I have a little girl in there who is the one who sets herself up and apologizes and feels so bad. Find reasons to feel bad in fact. But there is an adult or even that angry one inside of you.......who can say "uummmmm no. I am worth more than this. I will not comply!!" What would happen if you just said no?! Or at least chose.

I didn't think you could even substitute teach w/o a certificate. (I'm in PA, so maybe it's different in your state?)

Do whatever you can to get out. You don't even need a job. In fact, if you do NOT have a steady income, that's better- he'd have to pay you alimony and more child support.

Keep doing those sub gigs and put that money away for lawyer's fees. 100 bucks here and there add up fast. Three gigs a week will make 1,000 by the end of the month.

So. Just venting .... Now that I'm subbing. He expects me to contribute. His family wants us to going skiing over spring break. I'm expected to pay for half the trip now that I have money. He has me on a tight budget. Enough for groceries and gas to get where we need to be. That's it. No extras. Subbing was suppose to be my money...for the extras eating out with the kids, fun stuff, or clothes. He makes more in one hour than I do all day subbing. AND. I'm expected to keep up with everything else. Pay the bills. The wash. Cooking. Cleaning. The kids. On top of subbing.
I don't want to sound selfish. I know people make tight budgets work, and I can (I did when I put him thru school) except I know this is his way of manipulating me. The money is there. He'll pay me for sex or spending time with him. Money to be what he wants. He was even going to pay me to be on the local little league board. It's sounds even more horrible when I write it out.

This is why it's good to write it out. It is horrible-it's just as horrible, more horrible than writing it out. Writing it out doesn't come close to touching how it makes you feel. But there it is,. in black and white.

Sadly I could have guessed this was going to happen. Having money, making choices on where money gets spent, feeling good about earning your own money, all will provide you with self esteem, self efficacy, freedoms, independence he does not want you to have. It is all calculated-having all the same expectations of you with your other household responsibilities (and you will be in BIG trouble if you don't live up to them) is a great way of getting you to give up your job in the long run, see? None of it is accidental. That money you thought you could account for in order to save up to leave, he will NEVER let you be accountable for it. Someone who maintains the level of control your husband imposes, letting you control the money you make? NOT happening!

You are facing a harsh reality-I hope it's becoming more clear the level of control you are dealing with, because you're going to need to be aware of it to survive it or get away from it.

You are not selfish. Please stop speaking of yourself so poorly. It's his abuse which makes you feel this way about yourself. You are not selfish for wanting and needing things. You are not a machine, a THING put on this earth to serve, like a dishwasher, or a vacuum cleaner. You are a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, desiring human being who deserves happiness.

I guess you didn't ask permission to use YOUR money to do fun stuff with the kids. Sorry just being sarcastic----not at you, it was a slam against him.

If I were working and doing everything around the house and someone tried to put me on a new tight budget. I would seriously wonder if I was just a slave to him instead of a partner and would ask myself if I really wanted to live the rest of my life this way and I would give a resounding NO for an answer.
that is just me. I do know everybody is different.
I sure hope you can come up with s solution.

""""""""""""""""" He'll pay me for sex or spending time with him."""""""""""""""""""


Excuse me????

Me. He pays me "bonus" money. An added incentive.

I've read all of this and one of the biggest ?'s i have is why do you not feel that his "porn addiction" isn't akin to cheating? He is putting himself mentally into sex with other people, both genders, i'm assumming, making himself part of a threesome at minimum. He is getting himself off on vicarious sex with strangers. He IS "mentally" cheating, IMHO.

Haven't heard of many hard line "Christians" thinking that viewing porn is acceptable...

& he pays you for sex and spending time with him? Sounds like he has you confused with a hooker. Sounds like you let him.

I bet Stalin, Hitler, Mao, etc. thought we Americans were too spoiled too. All those darn freedoms...like the one to assemble and have free speech and petition our Gov't. and the one to keep our guns to kill 'em if need be...

Just makes it oh so hard on the freakin' wannabe dictators...

IMHO~ the dude's a big bully and a jerk. I feel for you, but i feel a whole lot worse for your kids.

Wheee...let's plan a freakin' skiing trip, while we're all at home being abused on a daily basis. Let's gripe when he "lets" me have access to the internet, rather than get my children away from a freaking abusive control freak. Let just hide behind words like "submissive" and "christian" and "evil" instead of DOING SOMETHING to save myself and my children...

SMH

Jesus said that we're are to "do unto others as you would have done unto you".

Where the heck is THAT going on in your oh so "christian" family?

YOU put him through school? Be sure to bring that up to the lawyer if you ever choose freedom. & don't forget to go for some of his future pension(s), if any.

GL...you need it.

I know it sounds horrible. It is horrible. I am aware. I thought about doing the index cards. I'm too afraid to write it all down. But thinking about what I would write...it brought to mind somethings I never really looked at as abuse but I realize now that's what it was. I'm trying to stay sane. It's a pendulum swing.... Between denial and admitting.

You are the frog in the boiling pot of water, I'm sure. like many of us were. It's beyond words to go from the denial to opening your eyes, and it will bring up so many feelings you've buried to survive this. My guess is there were some things which occurred long before this marriage which have contributed to the state of things you've found yourself in, like maybe in your childhood? It's a lot to deal with.

What about counseling like RIGHT NOW? Is that an option for you? Some abusers don't discourage it-they feel it justifies their behavior-but it would be FOR YOUR BENIFIT. It might be very appropriate for you right now!

Whoaaaa TRIGGER MUCH?! Geez

Thanks for the safe place. But not really.