I agree wholeheartedly your H is a Narcissist. I believe fully that my ex is one. I think I called your H a Narc in my first response to you. And you know, for religious Narcs, it is almost textbook typical for them to believe they have a "special" relationship with God that other people don't have-it just fits in so perfectly with their idea of superiority over other people, they often think God has tasked them with a special mission, or that God "talks to them directly." Do you really believe that someone who MUST have EVERYTHING his way-who will not even comprise an inch in order to meet a bigger goal, is a "humble Christian?" What is humble about that?

Do you get the rages? May be not often, because you may have learned to sideswipe them as best you can (I know I did). But with an Narc, the rages often come when they have things planned in their heads and they don't go according to plan, or when people buck their "authority," or persist in differing opinions about things. Because with an Narc, ANY act of autonomy, and threat to their belief that the are special, and deserve special deference in life is like a PERSONAL ATTACK to them. Not just an inconvenience, or unwanted and needing to be put down-but deeply personal. Others, just as their wives and children, are not individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, wants and needs-they are an extension of the Narcissist. Everything family does is a reflection of the Narcissist, and because there is no separation in the Narcissist's mind between family members and themselves they cannot tolerate any individuality. The family must tow the Narcissist's line, or pay the price, sometimes with manipulation, and sometimes with rages. He will always tear you down to nothing because he must maintain control-in every moment of every day. That was my ex.

That garbage about your husband not being controlling because you can pain the house the way you want??? Ridiculous. He is controlling because when there is a clash in needs or wants, he always wins. He gives what he is comfortable giving, nothing that causes him any discomfort, or creates any self sacrifice. It's a gift he is bestowing, like a King granting a pardon. His to give or refuse. And you better be grateful for it too, I bet.

I don't blame you for being scared, I don't blame you for needing to vent, I don't blame you for biding your time, I just hope someday you can really get your head around how DAMAGING this behavior is, and get help for it. While you're in it-it's hard to get a sense of it. It is so much worse than you're even capable right now of even recognizing. It really is.

Hi Justaguest. I thought of you today as I was shoveling tons of snow. I remembered how when my kids were young I was afraid of sharing custody and how vindictive my stbx would likely be. It is a tough spot, and although many here have left a
much sooner rather than later, and done fine, and I took so so long to begin changing things here, I was just not ready until I was ready. It almost killed me, literally though. I am not giving advice, just saying I can relate to that feeling of biding my time, even though it exasperated me, and it was hellish. Keep posting, venting, and hang in there! ((hugs to you))

If you share with a judge what you shared with us, I don't think you have to worry about sharing custody!

Besides, aren't you sharing custody now, since you don't have any power??? I'd argue that at least you'd be in control when they are at your house once you leave the SOB.

Here's yet another case where an abuse hides under the cloaks of God. Makes me sick...

I'd start getting your ducks in a row and leave by the summer so the kids can get acclimated for the next school year.

WHA?!?! Just read your link...

So, HE'S addicted to porn, but it's your fault b/c you don't want to have sex with a control freak??? He punishes you by erratic driving? This is right out of Doctor Phil.


You are at a distinct advantage, since you pay the bills and know ALL finances. Make copies of everything and go to a lawyer, like, yesterday! He'll have to pay alimony and child support since you make no money.

I'd start looking for a job, too, just so you don't have to ask for an allowance. That stinks. How old are the kids?

He sounds like he's got major issues... how the heck was HE raised? I check, too, to make sure my 9 year old brushes her teeth well enough and I have a system of accountability, but I'm not having her walk on eggshells. (Again, this is SO much like my father.)

Yes, we are spoiled as Americans. But has he done any missions work or actually GONE to other countries to HELP? I think he's using that as an excuse to abuse.

Why have you put up with this?

Thank you guys for the support. It really does help to read here. Discuss. Vent. Rant. I don't reply often. I'm horrible w advice.
Thank you Rosie... I read your snowstorm post. It's easy to sit here and think... How awesome to be out. Start over fresh. How exciting. Yet here I stay.
Can't, of course ,is still so accurate in her descriptions. The rages. He doesn't really yell. He keeps it clean but tense and undermining and controlling.
I've spent all morning wondering why I put up with it and stay. Lots of things in my mind. The kids are really the main reason. I know it might be better for them if I left. But that is so scary to think it just might not be. I feel selfish leaving. And the idea maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I need to compromise more. Do more. Be better. Maybe we weren't the right personality match and that isn't reason enough to leave. Then there's my faith and the belief you stay together no matter what. I use to pray he would have an affair so I could religiously get out and be in the right. About 5 yrs ago I quit caring about being spiritually right but I can not bring myself to divorce. Honestly, aside from him, my life is nice. I shouldn't complain.

Ps. Here's a link to a post I made several months ago about him in the family of bipolar persons support group. If you're interested.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Family_and_Friends_of_Bipolar/forum/19665453-patterns

Yeah, he's a narc, alright. My Way or the High Way. Delusions of grandeur and woe is the one who doesn't kiss is @ss, right?

WHY would you stay with this type of man. You say you'd be selfish to leave; I say you are selfish to stay! Think of your poor children who are going to be scarred for life living with this God freak tyrant!

Please get out of denial.

(To the one who said to ignore me, BTW, that was rude... I was only going on what I knew at the time. And I was only making suggestions. Now that I know more, you see how my tune has shifted?)

Please remove this Man from your life he is not only
Abusing you but your poor kids I hope you didn't make him do 50 press ups to punish him Your husband is a bully a horrible coward that doesn't like you or your sons feeling good about yourselves

Forcing a child to do press ups as a punishment is not only sick it's child abuse they was a little boy who die from exhaustion from his parents making him do them for punishment

Seriously if not for yourself do it for your children ...

Please don't allow your kids to think it's right for a husband to treat wife this way get away get help...

i know it's easier said than one, but he pbciouy is abusive with your children too...

Hugs to you and your kids so sorry your going trough this

Your children are being abused please report him to police or social services if your allowing him to do this your just as bad sorry, but it is fucking cruel to make a child do pressups as punishment your husband needs fucking putting in a cell full of grown adults and then see if he is just a big man then

This angers me and I know it's hard for you to get away but hair keeps thinking of your kids

I agree that it's not selfish to leave, rather it's selfish to stay. You are staying for fear of the unknown. The known is doing damage to your children. By staying, you are modeling to them that abuse is fair and reasonable and acceptable. By staying, you are allowing them to be abused.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Don't stay for fear of the unknown, leave for love of your children and yourself.

While I don't agree with making my son do push-ups for that....50 push-ups actually equals just 25 good ones. My son is very fit and athletic so 25 push-ups is really nothing for him. I would step in well before it reached any abusive level and never near exhaustion.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you are TOTALLY out of touch.

Who cares about pushups... I'm talking about the constant criticism, the dogmatic behavior, on and on.

You rant about him but then defend him. I don't get it.

I wasn't defending him. I was responding to Lovemypreciousfamily's response that I am (perhaps) turning a blind eye to reportable physical abuse.

You are turning a blind eye to significant emotional abuse, which will leave long lasting scares on both you and your children. Don't minimise just because it maybe isn't physical abuse.

I will speak for myself here, but as a survivor of abuse, it is very difficult to hear what is clear evidence of denial and minimization in your posts. It is difficult not because I have judgment about it, but because I know that trap all too well. The power it had over me, it was a noose around my neck. In one way it was a survival mechanism. Who wants to think of themselves as a victim? The things I told myself to make it okay, to make my life bearable. "It's not that bad. It's not all the time. It will harm my daughter more if I divorce. He's a loving father. I should appreciate what I have. I have X, Y and Z which are all pretty nice. I'm not beaten up. I'm not cheated on. This man loves me, I'm everything to him" And every one of these things were lies I convinced myself of. What did I have, nice flippin stuff? Security of sorts?

I realized I wasn't going to be on my deathbed someday and be thinking about all the nice stuff I had being married to an abuser, I was going to be thinking that I had one life, one shot on this earth, and I wasted it in unhappiness and I would NEVER get it back. I'd NEVER have the chance to do it better, to make things right-that chance would be gone forever because I was old, and frail, and time was finite and nearing and end and I could never get that time back. I can get back my power, make more money, I could get back my stuff, or a hundred other resources-except my time. And I FELT that panicked, tragic feeling as if I were that old woman on that deathbed and it was terrifying. And I stopped telling lies to myself and started trying to figure out a way out of the mess I'd made for myself.

I realized that it wasn't all fine, in truth I was surviving, not living and that I was a shell of a person who left nothing but emptiness, going through the motions of life like a robot, not a thinking, feeling, free human being.

I've been where you are. I'm probably different in a thousand different ways-but I have been where you are. I can refer you to sites on Narcissists, I can tell the damage narcissistic abuse did to me and my daughter and the guilt I feel now that my denial let it happen, I can tell you about the studies done (a huge variety of them) that demonstrate what emotional abuse does to children. If you are interested, I will. Or you can find them all over the web. It took me many years to replace the unhealthy and overused coping strategy of denial with a variety of coping strategies to deal with trauma (and domestic abuse is trauma-you and your children are being traumatized). The first step is you have gain the insight into the lies you tell yourself to be able to call them what they are. And then you have the terrifying prospect of dealing with them. For me, eventually the terror of NOT dealing with them simply because greater than the terror of dealing with them.

You don't have to see the damage this is doing to yourself, or you kids, because it's there even if it's not acknowledged. I can see it in your posts. Some part of you already sees it, after all, you're here. And then you chase away whatever parts of it you are not ready to deal with yet, and it keeps you trapped and unhappy, so unhappy you wish your husband cheated on you. Now, you don't really think this is okay, do you? You know that this is indicative of something monumentally wrong, people do not normally go around wishing their spouses cheat-for many it's their worst fear!

You are being abused. Your children are being abused. This is not okay in any stretch of one's imagination. It will do and is doing damage, and that is fact. It's the way the human body responds to constant psychological threats, that is damaging-its a fact of nature.

It is just very personal, for me, to see this denial. Maybe for others as well. Because I can see myself in your situation and emphasize with it. I feel what I imagine you feel, based on the ghost emotions of my past. But you have to search your own soul to get through this. I just want to be supportive of you as you go through it, and be able to tell my story.

@can't-

It's triggering for me, too, because I was the kid. My mother would say, "Your father's not that bad... he's a good provider... he doesn't go to the bar and blow his paycheck... he goes to church every Sunday..."

Great. He called me a jerk, candy@ss, stupid... He'd make her cry and put her down in front of me... He'd make me write 750 times, "Honesty is the best policy" when I lied just to protect myself from his wrath... He'd lecture me for HOURS about how lazy and stupid I was. Hmmm... tell me why again I didn't make honor roll???

Then she'd say how he was raised so harsh and he thinks he's too soft of me because his father was from the "Old Country."

Just because my mother didn't have the courage to stand up to his treatment, I wound up with CPTSD and a LOT of issues.

I am not the person God made me; my dad took that from me, but I'm making the best of it now.

I will always blame my mother for being crappy. A mother's job NUMBER ONE is to protect her children. My mother failed. And with all due respect for your difficult situation, if you allow your tyrant of a husband to treat your kids like soldiers, you are failing, too. Armies do that on purpose to strip them off their individuality to control them. Is that what you want for your babies? To be too afraid to explore this world, develop their sense of self and learn that the world is a wonderful blessing??? They are learning now that the world is crap b/c their dad is treating them like crap. And in the great ole "US of A," no less. Yes, we are a spoiled country, so with all our advantages, your children should have every opportunity to soar. You husband is repressing them. They may as well be in Syria or Sierra Leone.

Sorry, but you needed to hear from the voice of your future adult children.