I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

And now I am questioning if there is something wrong with me... He says that I freed him and did him a favor. Why is he so horrible?

Aral you made the decision to go NO CONTACT, and that shows you have the choice to let him get to you or not, I know it's hard but don't 2nd guess yourself. He is abusive and you don't need that.

I'm sorry you feel bad right now but it will get better. He is with an ex so what, all these men need to be with someone to make them feel like men, they have to start off fresh because the other women don't know them, yet, once they figure them out they will kick him to the curb too.

Also, he is a grown man, if he chooses to act this way that's his problem not yours, if he needs a mama he can go find one, relationships are about making one feel secure, happy, no accusations, control, belittling, criticising, are all forms of verbal abuse. Sometimes they say it will lead to physical abuse. I'm home all day today, if you wanna talk I would be happy to. Hugs.

It's been said before, now I'll say it again. It's like they get the things they say out of the same book.

I heard variations of what you listed. After a ton of reflection on my part, I learned a good chunk of what my ex said meant nothing at all. They're just vague words strung together in a negative way so we can come to our own conclusions based on any insecurities we may have.

I was also told I was "the common denominator in any past relationship that ended where [we] weren't friends after." It took me a bit to figure that one out. Well, duh. Everyone is the common denominator in any past relationship that doesn't turn into a friendship. There's nothing wrong with someone that chooses not to be friends with any ex after a breakup, because the ending of even a healthy relationship can be pretty heartbreaking. And if you were unlucky enough to date more than one person that has treated you poorly, then you were actually doing the SMART thing by not being friends every time. That is NO reflection on you in ANY negative way.

IMHO, being friends (REAL friends) with an ex is not all that common. It is a known fact that abusers LIE all the time.

I was always rescuing the ex to make sure his bills were paid on time, cleaning up all the financial and other type messes he made. My suggestion is this: If the mortgage is in his name, don't remind him. Let him stand or fall on his own actions. If the mortgage is in both your names or just your name, then you need to have something legal in writing to make sure you don't end up holding the financial bag. And believe me, they all end up leaving us holding at least one 'bag' or another!

Everything you've described is classic textbook abusive behavior. I hope the mortgage is in his name so that you can just walk away from the need to remind him to pay his mortgage on time. It's just one more 'hook' he has to keep a hold on you.

~hugs~

The mortgage is in both names and he must pay half under the separation agreement.

There is not a single thing wrong with you. I think he is a classic narcissist, I could lay my life down betting on his behavior because I was married to one myself. I know all his tricks.

He cannot take any responsibility for being an abusive, narcissistic jerk. With narcissists other people are not complicated, nuanced unique individuals-it is black and white-you are either there to serve their needs, admire them, give, give, give to their superior selves and willing to submit to their control-or you are against them, and you are completely worthless-worse-you are their enemies and worthy of their destructive wrath. He will completely villianize you with the same passion he idolized you with when you were his mirror because in his mind he was idolizing himself-the things about himself he could project onto you and see about himself because you were an empty vessel-for example if you are a weakling that makes him strong. If you needed him that made him powerful, if you saw him as changed that meant he had. And visa versa-if you are strong that means he's weak-and to be strong again he has to make you weak again. It is total ego, it is narcissistic rage, it is avoidance and denial, and it's so so completely typical of a Narc it's pathetic how unoriginal he is.

Telling him about his bills is not no contact-let lawyers do it if you have to, and if you don't have to I agree-let him fall on his face-it is not your job to make his life easier anymore-as a matter of fact I will guarantee you HE will do everything he can think of to make yours hell-so watch your back. I am just so afraid that as long as you continue to contact him about A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G he will take it as an opportunity to dagger you in the heart. Please don't give him any more opportunities-you deserve better and to start the healing process. You will never get remorse, you will never get closure, you will never get appreciation for anything you ever did or anything you ever will do. Not from this Narc.

lol bottled that's true duh
....Well, duh. Everyone is the common denominator in any past relationship that doesn't turn into a friendship.

And what does it matter whether your friends or not he's just trying to get your goat and it's working. I wish you could throw a freaking laser beam through the phone so you could shock them into reality, call it the bullshit Light Saber.

I am extremely out of sorts today, I am just feeling really upset. because we don't deserve this crap, as long as you pay your half how would him not paying his half affect you? Do you think that maybe you might start thinking about putting money aside incase you do have to be evicted? Start looking into moving into your own place, he probably wouldn't expect you to do that.

But the thing is, you can't just walk away from this I know, it's a big financial burden, I"m sorry but this is one of the main reasons i decided I didn't want to get married this would be my worst nightmare, being strapped financially. So what do you do? Do you have a lawyer you can talk to about this? How long is a separation agreement? I bet if he was abusive and you took some action and actually had it on a police report that he hit you or something, you could walk away because of your fear of retaliation or something like that. And the state would help you financially to find a safe place. That's what they do here, but you have to have evidence of this abuse. Do you?

Don't let him get under your skin. I think you engaged him a lot longer than you should have. When the conversation turned ugly, you should have simply said goodbye and hung up. The more we engage our abusers, the more words we hear that will hurt our hearts.

Mine did just about the same stuff when we were selling our house. I had sole use of the marital home, so he wasn't allowed to come and go at all. He was court ordered to pay for repairs and spruce ups before listing the home, but refused. Instead, he would email me and say the same thing....I cannot continue to pay for your lavish iifestyle. In my mind I thought....then pay for the repairs and let's move on. Did I engage in conversation with him? No. I knew there was no "winning" that argument. Why give myself the headache?!

If you really need to communicate with him, do it through email. I actually had all communication go through my attorney, which got a bit expensive, but saved me a HUGE headache.

Also, is there a court order telling him to pay the mortgage? You shouldn't be reaching out to him at all, the courts should. Do they garnish his wages?

We had attorneys to form the separation agreement. That cost me over $7,000. I told him to file for divorce in August, which he did b/c I refused to front the filing costs. It is not contested bc everything was agreed upon in the separation agreement, including him paying half the mortgage on the house. So now it is just us waiting for a judge to sign a decree. We still need to sell the house though. We are meeting with a realtor Thursday. I know it would be better to have attorneys but I am so financially drained and my attorney requires a large retainer upfront. Once the house is sold, we will no longer have any ties.

cant74deal - he told me that his alcohol counselor said he is not a narcissist. Because I am so sure that he doesnt wear the mask of a charming man during his sessions and I am so sure he does not paint me as being a horrible evil woman (insert rolling eyes here)

"he told me that his alcohol counselor said he is not a narcissist."

Whatever. *Eye rolling here too.*

If you have proof of abuse or harassment it could require all contact to go through the court, even stuff about the house. Just throwing that out there.

I can't imagine meeting my ex with a Realtor. Why is this absolutely necessary that you both meet with this Realtor-together? Every time I saw my ex it stirred him all up and he ramped up the abuse. I got to avoid it like the plague.

cant74deal - i am going to see if we can meet with the realtor separately. I dont know why I didnt think of that.

I just told him I want to meet with the realtor separately and this is what I get:

"Larissa, you light fuses, step back and watch the situation explode, and then claim to be a "victim". You're not a victim. You are an irrational, unthoughtful, self absorbed, vindictive, and controlling human being. I hope one day you can come in contact with reality. You are a negative energy that I want removed from my life.

I'll be at the house on Thursday as planned last week. Your hot and cold behavior will not dictate what has been in the works for over a week. I'm not getting stepped on any longer so plan accordingly."