He says" I lied to you because you would react badly if you know the truth...exactly like you are reacting now"

lol @ bottled (reply 60). My first H had a mistress. During one of the many conversations I foolishly bothered to have with him about it, when he once again denied any relationship with her (he married her before the ink was dry on our divorce, but he still maintains there was no relationship while we were together - but then he cheated on her and she threw him out too ... but I digress), I asked him why he was doing this and whether he cared about me at all. The response was "I married you didn't I?" He maintained he couldn't understand why that wasn't enough, even in circumstances where he had been caught in a hotel room with this woman and still refused not only to stop seeing her, but to stop seeing her alone. It was only my insecurities and foolishness that made him look wrong.

"I married you didn't I?"

Ultimate arrogance.

" I wouldn't Do something like That to You!!" said with the most pained expression on h/face!

One night I was giving my brother a ride somewhere, my ex was in the back seat, and my brother began scolding me that I wasn't a good sister or there for him when he needed me. He had gone through a breakup that hurt him recently, and he felt he wasn't getting the kind of support he wanted from me. I was very upset and asked him to leave before I got mad, which he wouldn't until he finished saying what was on his mind. The entire time, my ex just sat there watching the whole thing, and never said a word.

When we got home, I was still crying, and I asked my ex why he didn't say anything. I knew he supposedly supported my side of the argument with my brother, since it's a subject we discussed before, but my ex was instead upset at me for getting hurt. He went inside while I stayed outside to have a cigarette, and when he came back out, he told me not to be mad but when I get inside, I'll see a hole in the bathroom door he just made. Just great. The apartment was in my name only, so this really did not help my stress level at the moment.

My ex suddenly shifted his mood, sure he still didn't discuss why I had been upset at him, but he didn't want to upset me further, so he became very friendly. He claimed he was so upset at my brother, that he kicked the door not thinking that would happen.

Later, he tried to tell me that he was playing with the dog, kicking a toy, and his slipper flew off. Supposedly, it went through the door. Yeah, right.

A few weeks later, my ex and I were arguing again. Once again, I was upset that he still wasn't contributing his half of the bills, and now I have this busted door stressing me out because the landlord can't see it. My ex, very angry at me, tells me that the hole in the door was my fault. If I hadn't been upset with him over something stupid, it never would have happened.

A couple of months later, there's another hole in the door that he punched through (once again, I didn't see him do it) and we're about to move. I'm telling him he has to replace this door, that it's his responsibility, but he's dragging his feet on it. We finally go out and buy a new unfinished door, which I pay for, and he still hasn't worked on it up to the night before we're supposed to move. Yet he keeps telling me not to, that he'll get around to it, and I know I shouldn't interfere with things he says he's going to do because that is a sure way to upset him. Well, what do you know, he walks out after yet another argument and the door doesn't get done. I'm now willing to just take the hit on my damage deposit for it and be done with it.

We break up for a week, but get back together, just no longer living together. Things don't check out with the new tenants that are supposed to be taking over the lease, so I'm stuck with all the bills now. And the door. The door makes a couple more mentions in the relationship, and eventually my ex does come over to finish it, but he leaves before hanging it. He measured everything wrong, half-assed what he did do, and it doesn't fit in the frame. I call a week later to tell him that it needs more work, he tells me no it doesn't, that he did it right. Uhh, no you didn't.

Finally, months later, I end the relationship over the phone, but he's demanding that we remain friends. That's right, yelling at me that we should go out for pizza. Why would I want to be friends with someone that's so angry at me all the time that they yell? So I've had it and I start listing off reasons why we should NOT be friends. Yes, I mention the stupid damn door as a prime example of why I feel unsafe.

And you know what that dude tells me about the door? That I did it.

Whaaaaaat??!?

bottled i just put 3 holes in my door reading that story! you should be friends? have pizza????? that is an insult to PIZZA!

Yeah, I don't know why, but for some reason he was really pushing for getting pizza together sometime as pals. We'd never gone out for pizza before. Like, what did he think he was trying to accomplish? Maybe I'd have saved the relationship had I been all like, "Well, gee, I sure do like pizza. That's it. All is forgiven!" What a dummy.

What a story, bottled. He sounds like he was a real gem.

It triggered a couple for me, too. My ex-H, years ago, so I don't even really remember what it was about, did some things that I found unacceptable. I called him on it and we fought. He had no real valid defense, so he turned to me and said, "Well, you know, I wasn't really raised to behave in such a way, so this was an unknown thing to me--I learned that behavior from you!" And I puzzled for a while if I had ever done that before. I couldn't remember and certainly couldn't imagine that I had, since I had found it so offensive when he did it, but whatever. I let him place the blame for his actions on me. And stayed another 10 years. Ugh.

Another gem is from a couple years back, which happened on the day he hacked my email account and found out that I was corresponding with his gf's ex-husband (he denies the hack, but I saw it). He came in the door of my house and charged at me with his hands held up, then pushed me quite a distance, hissing, "You deserve this!"

He called two hours later, not to apologize, but to clarify that he had simply tripped on the threshold and actually had only used my shoulders to steady himself so that he wouldn't fall. LOL, good one! I think his gf coached him.

A couple of years before, his gf had broken her ex-husband's nose with her fist on the street in front of their house with three witnesses present and put him in the hospital. (He pressed charges.) She told the judge that she had merely been innocently holding her fist in the air and her husband had stupidly run into it.

The bizarre part is that I think these people actually believe the lies that they spout. That's what makes it so confusing and devastating.

i think they HAVE to believe it, what's the alternative? accept what pathetic failures at human interaction they are?

i'm not yelling at you
you know what your problem is?
you're too sensitive and paranoid always thinking that I'm yelling at you or that i'm mad at you it's not my fault that you had a crappy childhood

rexory15, and let me guess, this person said these things while their voice was clearly raised? Haha

After a neighbor called the police on him for yelling, my ex began accusing me of yelling during any uncomfortable discussion, when I'm sure I wasn't to the point of raising my voice. I recall at least twice when I told him to lower his own voice, he asked me why, claiming I yelled first. Uhh, I didn't, but even if I had, he really missed the point.

Yep, we have had the color conversation, and others like it so many times, I can't even count.

He has told me that he "wasn't trying to sneeze on me" in the car as we drove about a hundred different times, though he clearly turned his head towards me and sneezed.

He just told me on Friday that his car was "running hot", so when he was leaving to go to his dad's for the weekend, he rented a car. When he came back, I told him that my daughter had driven his car to school for a school function, and he freaked out, telling me, "I told you not to drive the car! Son of a bitch! Now the engine will be ruined!" I know for a fact he didn't tell me not to drive it, and not only was it fine, but he has driven it three times since yesterday with no problem at all.

Gets me all riled up by insulting me and making me crazy, to the point that I start to defend myself and yell, then he says, "Why are you so upset? We are just talking, there's no reason to get angry. I'm calm, you don't need to yell."

I'm sure there are so many more, I just don't have the time or the patience to try and remember them all!

My father is the master of staying calm while pressing someone's every button, then sitting back and acting all innocent when they get angry. He did it for 45 years to my mother, to the point she really did lose her mind and would rage at the drop of a hat and her grip on reality was tentative at best.

I never really understood, as a kid, any of what was going on or why they always told such different versions of the same story. An eg - when my mother was pregnant, she cooked breakfast for my father every day despite the fact that the smell of the meat cooking made her incredibly sick. His story is that she did it to be a martyr despite the fact he never asked her to. Her story was that he made it clear he expected it. For years, I believed him (because she was nuts, right?) Now that I can see him for who he is (after she died was when he started turning his gaslighting on me), I can see that he would absolutely have coerced her into doing it - tho perhaps genuinely without actually telling her to do it in so many words. Like so many of us, she was just desperate to be a good wife.

"I never said that", "you are taking everything the wrong way" and "stop being so sensitive" are his favourites among the more overt gaslighting, but he also has a remarkable ability to subtly twist words so that you find yourself wondering whether you really are the one taking things all the wrong way. But the thing is, when you find yourself always (or very often) taking things the wrong way with one person (but not with everyone), then you are being gaslighted.

This one has been on my mind a lot lately. I want to share it so hopefully it'll stop playing in my head.

The last emails my ex sent me, he wrote that he wished me the best, and that he knows he doesn't feel the same way other people do. I responded by telling him I could tell he felt that way, after spending so much time with him the year and a half we lived together. Against my better judgement, I wrote that since he had approached the subject, that I'd let him in on what I thought may explain his feelings. I said I thought he may have Borderline Personality Disorder, because much of what I'd read up to that point seemed to fit his reactions to perceived criticism and how I was discarded.

He responded very simply, claiming that I was "projecting" and accused me of trying to hurt him, then he stated he was happy. After that, I decided I finally had enough of getting nowhere. I responded that I was also happy, then I blocked his email address again and haven't received anything since.

Bottled, I have a general observation not a million miles away from that. Many of the abusers I have known have alternated calling me triggered because I showed a feeling they didn't like or that made them look bad and saying I was the one twisting things, with apparently calm and measured statements like, "I wish you the best," and "I want good things for other people."

The last bit just makes me want to say, "Well that's a nice little story you've got going for yourself there - shame it doesn't actually amount to a damn thing!" I was talking about this with a good friend fairly recently, and they agreed that abusers never want good things for others, in either the present or future. Especially an ex of theirs. Not EVER. It's a lie that sounds good, that's all.

No matter how calm and civilised they may seem at a given moment, they will always return to the nastiness that has no connection to reality eventually. They have zero interest in the truth because it has never served them in their quest to look after number one and abuse others, and it never will. You can only walk away.