Ah yes, and from my brother after I made it clear I didn't find the whole family's "jokes" funny: "only stupid people get upset by that stuff. If you didn't get so upset, we wouldn't do it".

Needless to say, jokes at HIS expense were never ever allowed.

He yelled at me in the middle of an argument, "you're acting like a [insert the "C" word]!"

This got me super angry, I yelled back, "I can't believe you just called me that!"

He responded calmly, "I didn't call you a ["C" word], I only said you were acting like one."

He wasn't wrong. But the immediate switch he made in tone was baffling. His words felt so dismissive, and he never did acknowledge that what he had said was still as hurtful had he called me that directly. But he got his way; the argument over him not paying his half of the rent suddenly switched over to my interpretation of what he said.

bottled you nailed it....it's about deflection, it's about not taking responsibility for anything they do or say. there is no continuity between one sentence and the next because they are only reactions to what YOU are holding them accountable for. there's no narrative to keep track of, because they are not invested in the topic, only shooting things at you and bobbing out of the way. like insult dodge ball. so one tone of voice for one statement, another tone for another one.

vernacular, I never thought about it quite that way, but yes, that is the purpose of gaslighting. It kind of answers the question for me about whether it was conscious, or not. I thought, how could he not know what he JUST said? Because he's not keeping track, like you said. Reality doesn't matter to these abusers in any way, shape or form, only preserving their sense of power, their fragile egos, protecting their f-uped psyches with whatever harmful, maladaptive methods they can conjure up moment to moment.

That's something he would do often, change tone on a dime if it suited him. I thought it was so weird, but it wasn't until I was long out of the relationship before I learned it's a tactic to make me look crazy. He'd get me riled up or hysterically crying, then put on another mask as soon as the phone rang or someone was at the door. Meanwhile, I'm trying to look/sound calm and collected the best I can, but I'm still invested in my emotions, so I can't make the immediate switch.

One night he FaceTimed (video chatted) me, but a week later when I was frustrated he didn't call me like he said he would, he told me he didn't have phone service where he was staying. I asked him how he was able to FaceTime me, and he claimed up and down that he never did. But... I have time stamps with call length records here on my phone....

bottled oh my GOD! it's like the need they have just to argue, just to screw with your head overrides proof, reason and sanity. you have the evidence in your hands and STILL doubt your own memory! even your reply trails off sort of dazed.....i think.....i could've sworn........eeech.....

where is the switch in us that immediately goes to "i must be doing something wrong" and not "this guy is a *%$#*& idiot." how do i flip it to 'off'! how do you trust anyone ever again?

I'm in this situation right now and everyone around me is so mad that I can't get out of it and km mad at myself. Of course I'm second guessing myself feeling guilty and bad and am just unsure of how to feel about it. I've been looking for people who could relate. Please feel free to message me. I could really use some advice I'm running out of options and ideas :-/

Rosenkranz - OMG I got into the same argument with my husband AND his mother about a color that was clearly PURPLE but they insisted was blue. She defended her child even though later on admitted it was purple. Such a ridiculous argument.

I nearly had to give birth at home, too. I finally told him to get his ass up or I was going to take a taxi.

Seriously, were we married to the same man?!

Its all in your head (my husbands response after getting physically sick to smelling garlic during my pregnancy)

Do you UNDERSTAND French? (hes a native speaker, Im not but clearly I understand as we communicate on a daily basis in this language!)

Oh, not to mention all of the If I yell its for OUR own good. Um, no. Its for YOUR own good. Now *I* feel like shit.

If I say something out of place, you could just pretend you didnt hear it. Riiiight.

bottled one time we were chatting on Skype and he saw I painted my nails red *gasp* and proceeded to call me a wh*re, so I hung up on him. Then he writes me an email saying he wasnt saying *I* was a wh*re, just that red nail polish was. WTF! (btw I decided when we go to court that I am going to wear red nail polish)

Vernacular, I was more baffled that this was even an argument for him than confused if it really happened, though there were many times when I absolutely knew something to be true and I let him mess with my head simply because there was no solid proof. Actually, toward the end of our relationsh*t, he got way more ballsy and tried to alter the reality of many circumstances I could prove... And that's what propelled me to finally leave his weird jerk ass.

PurpleViolets, I just LOL'd IRL again!

lol to #10.
#23, know what you mean!
#43, I had someone play that exact type scenario with me a few times. THANK GOD it wasn't my husband!!!! I hope he is no longer yours.

k...just had to say that...now back to reading responses, before I give mine.
well...i'll give one: "You know, the bible says you need to forgive"

Omg gusto the num er of times I've heard that or hell my pastor even told me I was being a stumbling block to my husband by not having sex with him.... not my pastor anymore :)

that one was said to me by my brother, right after him going on and on about how fantasic his daughter was. this one particular daughter. he made a point about 3 separate phone calls (at least) to go on and on about how proud he was of her, and how great she was. he has another daughter and a son...didn't say anything about them. "but brother, she and her husband stuck me for $5000, when they stopped paying the rent, and left the property in shambles, when I was 3000 miles away, fighting for disability income and too sick to fly out and take care of property, and I called you, and you called me a "liar". so I sent you proof, and you still didn't believe me, and I couldn't rent or sell that place for a year, and wound up forclosing" brother "oh, I didn't know" ..... lol

yeah gigglemom, good move! I said to brother, "even Gods requires that you repent first, I don't think God expects more of me"

absolutely my point sooo many times!! i can forgive to my hearts content but i dont have to reconcile with someone who is not willing to change.

There were many times when I tried to confront him for acting like a person that doesn't care about me, because he'd have left a wonderful (yet simple) promise unfulfilled or he said/did something really mean. It was classic him when he'd follow it up with "you're so insecure." The multiple times I tried to defend myself that I was secure with myself, but it was these things that made me insecure in the relationship, he'd respond that I am completely and wrongfully insecure because the fact that he asked me to marry him should have been all the security I needed.