Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone wrote to me today and asked about why I felt Couple's Counseling is usually ineffective or worse. It's such an important question, I tried to compile the most important issues, though I'm sure I'll think of others. I got permission to share what I wrote, here on DS. I also made it my Howl on my own blog (Wolf's Daily Howl).
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Now I seek advice and help on forums like these. I have learned to solve my problems mostly on my own. Even though it is very lonely at times, at least I no longer have to hear: it can't have been that bad! Aren't you a bit over sensitive? You are agressive! (because I am assertive, not allowing someone to push me around). I have learned the hard way that you can't make me feel guilty anymore.
The sad thing is that the abuser keeps on getting away with things. And is laughing all the way at each small victory. Now I am basically fighting for my kids. And he has pleasure in seeing how hard he hurts me with the way he treats his children. At least they understand I am always there for them, whatever happens, they come first. And they know I can put up a hell of a fight to defend them,to support them.