Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone wrote to me today and asked about why I felt Couple's Counseling is usually ineffective or worse. It's such an important question, I tried to compile the most important issues, though I'm sure I'll think of others. I got permission to share what I wrote, here on DS. I also made it my Howl on my own blog (Wolf's Daily Howl).
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
NO...it makes it worse. It only helps the abuser. This is a wonderful post and thread on it.
Couples counselling with an abuser? Just say no.
If you know you're in a violent relationship, DON'T DO IT!
Now I know how bad of an idea that is.
I will make an excuse to him, or tell him that I think he should persue individual therapy first (as I am), but I now have faith that doing therapy together is NOT the right choice. For everyone who shared their experience on this thread, thank you so, so much - you have no idea how much it helped me with this decision.
If he say's he's "willing to do whatever it takes.........."
(and I heard those exact words, to no avail)........
then say: Good.
[1] Stop being abusive IMMEDIATELY
[2] Go to individual counseling
[3] If you're still abusing tomorrow and any day after that,
we're FINISHED.
[4] If you do all these things successsfuly, in 18 months I'll decide
if you've made enough progress. If you have, maybe it'll work.
If I still feel that you're being abusive, we're done.
Abusers don't change.
DON'T GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING.
I so agree with Ilene!
I was getting quite a bit out of it since it was my first experience with consistent therapy. HOWEVER, my husband was so manipulative and built up such a case against me.
As soon as the therapist finally agreed he was an alcoholic and began to question his behavior he no longer wished to go.
So for me, it was beneficial. I learned a lot. For him I suspect there was little to no gain and as a route to healing our marriage - NADA. Literally nothing was gained it actually was a negative that was used to hurt me further and prove his points.
It took 3 years for her to see his manipulative actions/attitude. Don't go with the abuser. Go to your own. If you are getting treated as if you are the problem and you KNOW in your gut you are not making up the insanity that is going on in your home. Find yet another therapist. I wish I had put the breaks on it all years ago. There was no point in including him in therapy, he does not want to get better nor would he even begin to know how to approach it.
In the end, I was determined "right", but it was a shallow victory and took a hell of a lot of time and money!
I feel almost as if I need therapy from all of the therapy!