Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone wrote to me today and asked about why I felt Couple's Counseling is usually ineffective or worse. It's such an important question, I tried to compile the most important issues, though I'm sure I'll think of others. I got permission to share what I wrote, here on DS. I also made it my Howl on my own blog (Wolf's Daily Howl).
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
- Stbx would talk about all the insights he had gained as a result of attendance at A.A. and as a result of counselling. If you sat back and listened to him at an A.A. meeting or in counselling, or even in a general conversation, you would come away thinking he was the most together, insightful, spiritual guy you had ever met.
- What he says so brilliantly and what he does in day-to-day life though are two entirely different things.
- When I first met him, I thought he knew what he was talking about and was impressed with his insights and apparent sensitivity.
- Over time, I slowly came to see how incongruent his day-to-day actions were in comparison to what he said. Instead of being attracted to his words, slowly, over the years, I came to understand that these speeches were just a bunch of meaningless words, designed to impress.
- Over the years, it became apparent to me that he had no intention of following through with the therapist's advice, but you would have never have guessed it from what he said in the counsellor's office or on a day-to-day basis out of the counsellor's office.
- He was so able to charm the counsellor, I have no doubt she bought into all these little speeches.
- I now understand that many of the things he says are situational. His opinions are not about who he really is or where he's at, they're all about giving a favourable impression of himself.
- He did tell me a couple of times, that he only went to A.A. for the fellowship. I didn't give it much thought, but over time I began to see that his attendance really wasn't about recovery, progress, and working the steps it was about making brilliant speeches, getting pats on the back for the his well chosen words, without actually doing any of the work.
- And, I can see how it serves him well to behave in this way. He uses his A.A. attendance and the counselling he has had as a smokescreen, which he hides behind or uses when his behavior is questionable. In fact, he is so good at the jargon, he is able to fool and run circles around most people. And, I guess that's what makes him dangerous. His ability to present himself in a favourable light, after behaving in ways that are truly cold, calculating, and callous, is truly amazing. I have never met anyone who can justify and rationalize their behavior to this extent.
But I still managed to suffer from the couple of visits we did have for most of the reasons mentioned.
Once I became suicidal, I started seeing a counsellor on my own, and she never once suggested couples counselling. I may now ask her about that and whether these are the reasons why.
Thanks. I wish I'd known before hand.
Has anyone seen the movie: The Talented Mr. Ripley ?
There are manipulators who are really, really slick ---- secret agent slick.
Emotional abusers who are loud and nasty and stupid out in public as well as private, are actually less insidious than slick manipulators. The ones who are loud, stupid and ugly in public are short on the kinds of resources that enable the slick manipulators to uphold a false image and project a fake persona.
My ex was a white-collar manager. He was tall, slim and good-looking. To me he was great-looking. He carried himself with an air of casual authority. One of the first things that captured me was his electric smile. Once captured though, I only saw that smile directed elsewhere. Directed at a therapist, they were, of course, also captured.
One time, one therapist (happened to be the only PhD among the several counselors we'd seen) said to him: Her father is dying. She's going to school full-time, working part-time and then spending the rest of her time caring for her dying father along with your household ----- and your concern is that when you're at work, she's eating out of a can instead of a dish??????
Apart from that one moment of support, which stands out in my memory because it's so solitary in its essence, the PhD, along with two other counselors we saw together, were of no help, at best ----- and it went down-hill from there.
For the record, there may be situations in which a couples counselor might provide support. In my experienced and educated opinion, those situations do not include abusive relationships.
He told me that his first session lasted 2 hours while others were sitting in the waiting room because his counselor could tell he was so sad and wanted help so badly - and that he has spilled his guts and cried a lot. Then my ex also said his therapist called him the next day because the therapist was so worried about him and wanted to make sure he was ok. This made me feel really badly for him - that he was so sad. Was this a another guilt trip???
His therapist wanted to talk to me so I called him after my ex had 2 sessions. When I told the story about the physical attack that happened when I left, the therapist said - he didn't tell it quite like that. DUH!! After I got done talking to the therapist he said he thought my ex might have a personality disorder which is hard to change.
So going to the therapist was just a ploy to try to get me back. When this didn't work to get me back he stopped going - he said the therapist kept cancelling and the therapist said my ex never called to make another appointment.
My ex kept telling me he enjoyed the sessions and knew he needed help. And even told me that if we didn't get back together that he would continue to go. I would bet all my money that he has never gone back!
my doctor and thearpist(my mental illness thearpst ) are aware of what my partner is like .now the counceller is seeing what she is like.
i noticed yesterday the counceller sat back and listened to the way me and my partner rowed for some of the time.i stayed calm while my partner was getting angry.
i doubt my partner will change she wants control over everything,money,things that are done around the house etc,i can't even have a opinion.i'm sometimes scared to talk about things that other me because of her yelling at me.
and of course the classic abusers way of making you think it's your fault.
i was married to a physical and mentally abusive man for about 20 years.but he never made me feel as bad as this partner does.
her control and emotional manilupating is done in such a sneaky way she knows what she is doing. and if i try to stand up for myself she makes things so bad by yelling etc i back down.
Thank you for writing.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
I am glad though, that this therapist seems to have some kind of a handle on the reality you're experiencing with your partner.
From your description of how your partner dodges questions she can't lie her way out of, it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to make much headway. Are you continuing with the therapist who seems to have been validating your experience?
Best thoughts to you.
Ilene
I went to couples counseling three times with my husband during the early phase of our separation.
The counseling sessions usually ended up being about 85-90% with him doing the talking, and about 5% of my therapist asking him questions. I pretty much just sat there and cried the whole time.
Mostly he talked about either all the "changes" he was making in his daily life or about his new therapist/alcohol recovery group, or he would talk about the abuse he suffered from his parents as a child.
It did bring up a lot of anger in me that needed to be expressed (I will admit that it helped bring it to the surface). It completely infuriated me that he knowingly repeated the same abusive behaviors that his mother had put him through ON ME...when he knew exactly how it felt.
I will say that couples therapy also helped me in two other respects.
1.) By witnessing him finally talk about his abusive childhood, I realized that his abuse to me was not my fault and that he has major issues to work out on his own that I have no part in.
2.) It validated my abuse (he admitted it to the counselor), and the relief that brought was amazing. His behavior out of the room also validated my thoughts....he talked about all the changes he was making, but then when the counselor wasn't there, he was back to the same old, same old. (and still is.)
So, while it didn't help "us", I think it helped me further clarify my presence in his warped world.
Scout
Based on what you described, a victim together with the abuser in couples counseling might be safe if all s/he does in session, is sit and cry. Well, come to think of it, maybe safer to hold the crying for a private space. So ----- the victim might be safe if s/he says virtually nothing.
Well. . . . . that might not be true if the therapist says anything remotely validating of the abuser's behavior.
Anyway, Scout ---- I was struck that your experience tracked so closely with mine ------- that when all was said and done, the really bad couples counseling work helped me clarify and understand more about who he was, who I was in relation to him, and what our continued relationship would be like, if I made no changes.
This therapist had us doing things like coming up w/3 good things to say to each other. And he explained all these wonderful theories & how we fit into each one.
In an interesting twist of abuse, for 99% of our 39 yr marriage, he never let me do anything for him and then covertly used that to make it look like he did all the giving and I did all the taking.
After a few weeks of this BS, during a 'counseling' session I asked that my then 'husband' (and I use that term loosely) if he would be willing to at least stop drinking for the time we were in therapy since his drinking had always been part of our marriage. He flat out refused saying he couldn't do that because if he said yes and had a "slip", then he would just feel too awful. I looked at the therapist who said NOTHING.
That's when I said stick a fork in me, I'm done! I said as long as he's drinking, I'm dealing w/the booze and not him so I walked out. I went back to the therapist one more time alone to have some closure and the things he said to me let me know that the now x had completely manipulated him. I left his office furious. This so-called therapist is a minister too. I feel sorry for anyone who sees this person professionally.
Years before this, I was severely damaged by two therapist who didn't see the emotional abuse and kept pushing us together. Plus they allowed him to manipulate them into ignoring his issues w/alcohol.
Shortly after that, I did an intervention and he went to rehab & it turns out he never ever believed his own admissions of alcoholism. During his 30 day rehab, they had family week and the "therapists" there blamed me for his alcoholism. They did this in front of the other patients and their families and one of them threatened to read a personal letter I had written as an assignment and we were told that the letters were only read by our family member & the therapist. Instead they threatened to read it to the entire group! I was in tears and willing to do & say whatever they wanted.
Honest to God, I have no idea how the hell I survived that, except that my mother always used to tell me that I come from a long line of survivors.
We don't always talk about the specifics of the connection between alcohol & abuse, but I am here to tell you that there's a huge connection. And,
WHENEVER YOU ARE DEALING W/SOMEONE WHO USES ALCOHOL OR OTHER SUBSTANCES, YOU ARE NOT - I REPEAT, NOT - DEALING W/THE PERSON. YOU'RE DEALING WITH THE DRUG. And there is no way to have any kind of successful relationship w/drugs.
I have seen my therapist of r over three years and she takes the paltry $30/session that I can afford to pay. I really credit her for identifying the problem and then committing to help me. WHile it was really, really, hard for me to go to therapy with my ex the happy accident part is that I was able to have a professional reveal to me what was going on in my relationship. That is totally priceless.
My ex had ben in therapy when I met him, he is still in therapy and I don't think it has done him any good. He also takes Effexor. He is still a totally manipulative and malicious narcissist. I think his therapy actually reinforces his narcissism by allowing him to talk about his victimhood, poor, poor pitiful him. Susan151, my ex sounds just like yours...ick.
My therapist was snowed by his charm and wanted me to support his stress.
He'd say anything for her approval ... then use it as a weapon.
Two years ago, she told me to see my psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer. They diagnosed me as mildly bipolar... becasue I cried A LOT. The abuse escalated.
When the psychiatrist wanted to drug me with an anti-anxiety medication ... I'd had enough.
I actually took the drug and felt like a drunk. The psychiatrist said it had the same affect on the brain as alcohol, but was controlled as a prescription drug.
I'd rather drink! Or better yet, get away from the SOURCE of my pain and anxiety.
He has a problem and I'm taking drugs to deal with it.
YES ... I'm very pissed that couples counselors don't recognize abusive issues. C'mon. That's sooooo common.
The rationalization of our counselor, when I called her about it? If I don't see it I can't treat it. You'll have to be more honest in the session.
Honest and dead. Duh!
Of course, she was right. She couldn't TREAT it. How could she treat him?????
I had to leave.
That'll resolve everybody's problem!!!!!!!!!!!! (especially the abuser's.)
Speaking of alcohol ------ I had my share, over the decades of abuse. Three months after my my divorce, I noticed the pain was gone and cut back my consumption by 75 percent. A little while later, I cut back by 75 percent again. For decades I thought I was an alcoholic. But I was using alcohol to numb the pain. When the pain went away, the alcohol went away.
prachelle ---- I'm glad you up and left.