Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone wrote to me today and asked about why I felt Couple's Counseling is usually ineffective or worse. It's such an important question, I tried to compile the most important issues, though I'm sure I'll think of others. I got permission to share what I wrote, here on DS. I also made it my Howl on my own blog (Wolf's Daily Howl).
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
He shared with me his experience in Christian Counseling with his first wife. The counselor actually told his wife, "If you have an issue with your husband, you shouldn't confront him about it. You should pray and let the Holy Spirit lead your husband in the right direction."
He brings up this "sage advice" from that counselor frequently in our marriage. We are not to communicate on whatever issue we have, I am supposed to pray that God will reveal it to him and he will read my mind and know how to fix it. i am never, for a moment, to suggest there is an issue that i need him to deal with.
Don't get me wrong, I am a sincere Christian and I do actually believe in the power of prayer. My own daughter was miraculously cured of a heart defect that a team of $1 million+ a year specialists cannot figure out...she should have died or been severely handicapped, 100% of the medical evidence says so...I believe it is a fact that God saved my baby.
But to suggest that God doesn't want us to talk about our problems, EVER? EVER? That we cannot ask for help, or support, EVER, except from God? That is counseling malpractice...
And my point is...my mostly decent but deeply narcissistic hubby has used this counseling session as a weapon, not only against his ex-wife, but against me!
If we go to a new counselor, I have no doubt he will turn on that million dollar smile and walk out with a whole new arsenal to launch on me when we get home.
No thanks. I'm good. God's got my back.
But don't do it. Don't even consider it...
From the low-paid employee assistance program psychologist, to the just-graduated grad school counseling grad, to the high-priced PhD, they, none of them were worth the hours of my time they wasted.
None of them had the least inkling, what was happening in front of them. And if THEY didn't know, how was I going to know????
I managed to get out of the marriage on my own accord, I found my own resources and I connected my own dots.
Only later did I find out that all the "discussions" we had at home were a complete waste. And all the couples counseling was even worse than a waste, for all the reasons I layed out at the top and in my response, later on.
If you're out there hurting in an abusive relationship, you'll be hoping that something, anything, maybe couples counseling will reach him (or her), will give the relationship a second chance, a new start. After all, you've tried everything else. Counseling HAS to help. It just HAS to!!!!!!
I'm very, very sorry. But it won't.
Couples counseling might help some, minimally or even moderately troubled relationships. But it WON'T help an abusive relationship. And it CERTAINLY won't help the victim!!!!
Consider this: they don't send physical batterers and their victims to couples counseling, do they? Of COURSE NOT!
Emotional abuse is no different. But precious few relationships are identifies as emotionally abusive ----- far fewer than the number of emotionally abusive relationships out there.
So, if you're in an abusive marriage, the VERY WORST option is to go to counseling together. Please DON'T.
Ilene
I was referred to a counsellor in summer of 2006, referred by work indirectly, because I had stopped functioning due to all the "trouble" with my "boyfriend" at the time. One phone conversation with the counsellor, and he called it "verbal abuse" -- the first time anyone had labelled it abuse, and I was shocked. I knew this counsellor understood what was going on, and I wanted him to see us both, as a couple. The counsellor refused, saying that abuse is not a couples issue, and counselling a couple as a couple when abuse is present, is not ethical. I pleaded with him to see us both and he reluctantly agreed, on the condition that my "boyfriend" would refrain from verbal abuse until the scheduled appointment 10 days later. You guessed it, within a few days, he called me a C***, I told the counsellor, and he then refused to see us. Counsellor advised me to lose "boyfriend's" number, get out and stay out, advised that these situations can escalate to violence and sometimes murder-suicide.
Eventually I reconciled with boyfriend and then married him. He beat me on our honeymoon, and I changed the locks upon our return. But I wanted to be married to him, wanted to find a way, wanted to fix things. So, I agreed to a counsellor his shrink recommended. I wanted to talk about the abuse on the honeymoon and how to move forward, but STBX wanted to talk about the problems leading up to the honeymoon, those "reasons for him releasing his pent-up frustration and anger". Counsellor gave him an audience, and it was painful for me, I felt abused again, both by having to listen to it all again, and also by observing the counsellor drinking up the story.
Guess what? I'm about to see the first counsellor again, this time for counselling on leaving an abusive relationship.
I whole-heartedly agree that couples counselling is not effective when abuse is a factor, the factor. ABUSE IS NOT A COUPLES ISSUE!
Counseling only works when someone is really willing to do the hard work of facing himself and deal honestly with his issues.( I used the male gender in my post on purpose if you are offended I am sorry)
Golly .. . . can I relate!
I had a very similar experience to what you described. It was different in some of the details, but ultimately ended up being one of the worst experiences ever.
Much later, after the divorce, I found a new counselor and got individual help for six months. That was probably my best six months of therapy ---- single again and recovering. And the counselor was very supportive and insightful.
Couples counseling in the context of divorce is generally WORSE than NOTHING, and it can ENDANGER the victim.
Be CAREFUL!!!!!!!
I recently went to therapy and when I said, "he bangs the pots and pans around and when I ask him if somethings wrong, he says "no". The counselor said "maybe he was just wanting to cook?"
"oh, o.k. maybe he was. See ya."
I'm done trying to convince people. I know he abuses me and that's all I care about (as long as you guys are here that is....)
I agreed to enter into joint therapy with my ex, at his request, because he was distressed at our inability to resolve conflicts over the children. I didn't really want to go, but I went to try to avoid him dragging me into court about it.
Even with a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships it completely shattered me. I very nearly ended up killing myself, which is something I will only admit here, in the hopes that anyone reading this will take the warning to stay out of joint therapy very, very seriously.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if the therapist views this relationship as abusive... I am thinking of confronting that aspect of our sessions. I tell him everything - the horrible mean things he says, about the time he pushed me onto the floor and drew blood, and the time that he dumped water on me while I was driving...
My last ex, The Narc is in couples councilling now with his estranged wife...yet, he lies, cheats like mad, and thought it was helping her (the wife) get over being so insecure..I guess not since shes stalking me now...