Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Someone wrote to me today and asked about why I felt Couple's Counseling is usually ineffective or worse. It's such an important question, I tried to compile the most important issues, though I'm sure I'll think of others. I got permission to share what I wrote, here on DS. I also made it my Howl on my own blog (Wolf's Daily Howl).
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
Here's what I wrote:
In a reasonably functional relationship,
couples counseling has half a chance of
making things better.
In dysfunction and abuse:
[1] Couples counselors are trained to treat
both parties as being on even footing, equally
powerful within the relationship. In dysfunction and abuse, this is NOT the case.
[2] Couples counselors are seldom trained to be
able to recognize emotional abuse. So they're
not alert to the signs, or even of being manipulated themselves.
[3] Since the counselor is likely not to recognize the signs, and treats both parties equally, the victim's observations and reports are likely to be discounted or dismissed.
[4] The victim will not be free to speak the truth about what's happening. If s/he does, s/he knows it's at the risk/probability of reprisal, later.
[5] If the victim DOES speak the truth, s/he may be discounted in sessions (this happens too often in "religiously oriented" counseling, but also in traditional clinical counseling).
[6] The victim is likely to suffer either mild, serious or even dangerous reprisal, outside session.
[7] If the victim shares vulnerbilities ----
virtually anything ----- this comes back later
as attacks and abuse outside session.
[8] The abuser will manipulate the session,
focusing on either ridiculous nonsense or
complaints s/he has about the victim.
[9] Whatever instructions the therapist
gives the victim around the abuser's complaint
will become a weapon of battery with which the
abuser will club the victim outside session,
far beyond the extent to which the therapist
EVER intended. The abuser will then feel
validated and entitled to abuse even more
frequently and more intensely, since they've
now virtually been "deputized."
[10] The abuser is psychologically resistant to
actually doing their own work, let alone owning
responsibility for their stuff. So however long the couples' work session last, there's a snowball's chance in heck of the abuser getting reached by it. The only change
likely, by the abuser, is an increase in
the intensity and frequency of the abuse.
[11] After going even one or two sessions, the
abuser will forever use his/her attendance at
even one session as proof that they did what
was asked, they did what they could, now they're "fixed," the counselor sided with them (whether the counselor did or didn't), and now it's the victim's turn to do what the abuser says.
[12] The victim can leave totally beaten into
the ground----permanently, if the counselor is
untrained in regards to abuse, incompetent, or
has issues of their own that were never resolved.
These are the fundamentals of what makes couples counseling in the context of abuse, ineffective and also dangerous.
Ilene
What I don't get is- why aren't these counselors trained to spot emotional abuse?? It would seem like the responsible thing to do, to at least know the basics. How about asking some tale-tell questions to the couple to 'smoke' abusers out if they have any suspicions? Watch reactions, body language, etc...
I know it's hard to detect, but I think ethically it should be common practice to be sure the situation doesn't get worse for the victim.
I dunno, I'm just kind of a novice at all this, but just seems it would make sense...
We went to a couple of sessions, but I couldn't tell the therapist the truth because I was too embarrassed. And when we did go, he blamed our problems entirely on me.
To this day, he says it is "well-documented with his therapist of my abusive behavior." Yet another of his lies he's using to try to control me.
I'm in domestic violence counseling now, but I still cannot reveal everything to the therapist. Some I just don't want to talk about because it's too horrible; other things I'm just embarrassed about.
I never thought someone like me would find myself in this situation. I know now that people from all walks of life, all education, all backgrounds, etc., end up in abusive relationships.
They are the reasons why 'couples counselling'..Does NOT work..
If someone thinks that they are NEVER wrong..As abusers do..It is just not going to work..Someone in total denial of their behaviours, cannot be helped..
Also abusers do notoriously lie..
For counselling..Complete honesty is required to avail of any help or hope of change..
It is so true..It is NOT a level playing field of two people..Who are equally abusive or equally in need of help..
One is an abuser, and another is a victim.
It is also known that an abuser will use any admissions by their partner..Against them later, and to further emotionally 'beat up' their partner..
The following facts are true..
'Couples' counseling places the responsibility for change on both partners.
Except domestic violence is the SOLE responsibility of the abuser
It is not safe to talk about your feelings in front of someone who could hurt you later and blame his behavior on what you say.
Couples resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems. But his abuse is NOT a couple problem, it is HIS problem.
Domestic violence advocates strongly advise abused women not to participate in couples counseling, family counseling, and mediation programs.
Many battered women say that counseling does not stop the violence,and often increase their danger.
Also, going to counseling together suggests that you share responsibility for his violence.
You are NEVER responsible for his violence'
After interviewing my abuser and me for couples counseling, the therapist suggested that I attend group therapy only. I asked her why just me and her answer was "You are open to therapy, he is not." Unfortunately, this therapist never did pick up on his abuse. He did start attending group therapy but managed to convince the entire group including two therapists that he had no problems with alcohol!! Yet after I did an intervention, many of the group members AND the therapists said they knew he had a problem. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
While going thru in patient rehab, he convinced other patients and the therapists that it pretty much everything was my fault. Family week nearly destroyed me.
The final straw was me agreeing to see HIS therapist (yeah he was "going"). Only problem was he had convinced yet another trained therapist that he didn't have a drinking problem. Not only that, he also portrayed me as having his personality disorder and that I was cold and rigid. When I asked him to stop drinking while we were in counseling so I knew I was dealing with HIM and not the booze, he refused and the so-called therapist (who was BTW an ordained MINISTER) didn't say a word. That's when I said "I'm done."
His denial..denial..denial..and his ability to portray me as the problem..
Counsellors often don't know the dynamics of abuse..
As a result..you end up feeling further abused..
Your story..completely explains..why couples counselling..or any other kind..does not work..with an abuser..
Good for you for giving up..Who needs the further abuse..Of being disbelieved, and accused, and any further blame?..Because of 'their' abusive denial and 'charming' lies and head games??..No-one!!
Thank you for this post Ilene. Brillant as usual.
The counselor picked up on the dynamic in our relationship that I was the "sick, irrational one" while my ex was the "healthy, reasonable" one. I believed that I was somehow communicating something (albeit unconsciously) to perpetuate this "dance."
In one session, the therapist didn't bat an eye when I told him that the ex called me a bitch and that this was NOT ok with me. He didn't confront my ex about calling me the bitch but simply told me I needed to be able to "self-soothe" when we were in conflict.
A message to my ex-couples therapist: Hey ahole, I'll tell you how a woman in an abusive relationship should "self-soothe" - she should leave the effing abusive relationship.
I should have known this guy was bunk. After I read Patricia Evans "Verbally Abusive Relationship," I called our therapist in tears (he had counseled with us for almost a year at that point). I asked him what kind of experience he had counseling couples dealing with verbal abuse. He kind of stammered over his words, and said, "well you know that verbal abuse is very different than physical abuse." When I asked how so (I thought his response was odd so I kept asking him questions), he said something about how vebal abuse was about communication vs. physical abuse was about violence. IDIOT. I can't believe couples counselors can even be qualified/certified without being educated about domestic violence. This guy basically cosigned my ex's behavior (and he may not have even realized he was doing it).
Of course at our last session he told my ex he thought we were going to split up because of my apparent distress about all the things my ex had said trying to change me. He also told us there was nothing more he could do for us. But through the end there was no acknowledgement about why he couldn't do anything for us (i.e b/c there was abuse). There was only the acknowledgement that we just were stuck in this fundamental inability to communicate with one another effectively.
I got my ex to go with me ONE time. He said he felt attacked by her and that her focus should\'ve been on me and my childhood since that is what was "wrong" with me and caused him to treat me the way he did. He couldn\'t understand why she spent time dealing with him. He called her a plethora of horrible, degrading names--like the ones he used for me. He refused to go again. Discounted her 20 years of experience with abuse group counseling for men, working with abused women, and her PhD. He said she didn\'t know what she was talking about. Of course his high school diploma and job in construction is what made him the relationship expert and not her. He never went again. A couple years later I found a new therapist, who I still see. He refused to go because he said that I was the one with the problem and needed fixed, not him. He said his behavior would miraculously change when I got my issues fixed.
Ok, I\'m done with my rant. LOL As you can see, your post hit home with me. It is so right on.
Thanks!!!
You\'re welcome, for the post.
I wish it didn\'t have to hit home for so many. But since it does, I hope someone for whom it might be of use, finds it before they have their own sad experience.
For anyone new to this territory, a few thoughts:
[1] If you\'re in continuous emotional pain, there\'s a likelihood of emotional abuse.
[2] Abuse is abuse. There\' are no "kinds." Abuse is abuse.
[3] Abuse is not provoked. It has nothing to do with the target or anything the target does. It\'s all about the abuser.
[4] Abuse is not about "communication." It doesn\'t happen as a result of poor communication.
[5] Most of the time (I don\'t use "always" and "never") you can\'t "reach" an abuser. You CAN\'T get them to stop abusing by telling them: You\'re hurting me. STOP.
Telling an abuser they\'ve hurt you, confirms that they\'ve achieved their objective.
[6] Most of the time, couples counseling will have no positive impact in a couple\'s relationship.
[7] Much of the time, couples counseling may make things worse for the target of abuse.
[8] Some of the time, couples counseling may present a serious risk to the target of abuse.
[9] Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time, even leaving an abuser who has not, to this point, exhibited physical violence.
[10] It\'s possible to exist with an abuser for long periods of time. This is not "living." This is existing. It\'s possible the intensity of the abuse may stay status quo for a long time. It\'s probable it will get worse. That\'s what abuse does.
Ilene