Gosh, how disheartening. I agree it's unfair to wait for a child to come forward. That could take decades. Did you speak with CPS yet?

The Detective said he couldn't do anything because the victims have to disclose. He will keep the kid's information for "cross reference " if anything comes out in the future. He said if my kids have told the truth, the other victims will share sooner than later. I have chosen to not send CPS to these unsuspecting homeschool families and instead write a brief note to suggest my concern about their child being abused. No personal details, no leading of what type of abuse, just a simple concern that I can't NOT share. I will continue to pray about this and seek more advice from others but the one constant I have heard is that "if I were the parent, I'd want to know!"

Oh man, what a horrible position to be in. I am sorry. I don't know WHAT I would do. I do know that I would not feel right not doing anything! You would think that your sending a note would be appreciated by the parents, but who knows? I am not sure how I would proceed, so have no valuable advice. Just know that I'm thinking of you and your family.

Me too.

I don't understand why CPS wouldn't get a heads up here. That makes no sense and makes me question the validity of what this detective has said. People report to CPS even if there are suspicions of abuse or neglect, so again, makes no sense. I would be so pissed if I found out that my child was being abused and a detective decided not to report! He should be a mandatory reporter and then CPS should investigate.

I agree with mbadger. This is copied and pasted info from my state: "In New Jersey, any person having reasonable cause to believe that a child has been subjected to abuse or acts of abuse should immediately report this information to the State Central Registry (SCR). If the child is in immediate danger, call 911 as well as 1-877 NJ ABUSE (1-877-652-2873). A concerned caller does not need proof to report an allegation of child abuse and can make the report anonymously." Child sexual abuse is included in the definition of child abuse, and child sexual abuse includes any form of age inappropriate speech, viewing materials, or contact. This is the link to the website: http://www.nj.gov/dcf/reporting/how/index.html . Police don't always know all aspects of some laws, and often don't know all the different steps in the process. I currently work in domestic abuse advocacy as a crisis response team member and I interact with victims at police depts; even though most officers are well informed and concerned, it's astounding how much some police have no clue about...

O.k , I need input. I understand that CPS would be how most people would report suspected abuse. However, if it was a friend'save child which would you prefer if you were going to find out your child might have been abused?
A) Cps showing up without warning for unknown reasons?
B) Your friend gently telling you to talk with your child because abuse is suspected?
C) And brief letter sharing that your friend suspects your child has been abused?

This is coming from the standpoint of raw emotions way back when your life was not ruled by the chaos, fear, pain and knowledge of sexual trauma. If you can think back to that time...whI checked way would you have chosen to have this sensitive information shared with you?

Geez. That's a hard one. I had to make the call to CPS on my husband. The week (!!!) leading up to them coming was horrible and filled with anxiety. I almost wish the disclosure had been made to someone else (by kids) and that I wouldn't have been put in the horribly hard position of making the call, wondering if it really happened, etc. I know you are trying to go about this in the most humane way. If you let the parents know there was possible abuse, the call has to be made, and it almost seems easier if it's out of those parents hands. It certainly seems in my case if I hadn't been the one to have made the call things might have been taken more seriously. :-( But I also can't imagine DHS showing up unannounced. Still, I think I would have preferred it that way. Or maybe not. It's so hard to know what to do. Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you, Bandmom5, for sorting out what SHOULD have been done by the police in this situation. Because he didn't (or didn't care to) know what you've explained, and to act accordingly, WarriorMomX5 still finds herself in this dilemma.

WarriorMom, I wish so very much that I could recall my life when it was not colored by sexual trauma in the ways you've mentioned. It's a very good point you make to consider the other parents' perspective in this manner, because they won't have all of our painfully learned wisdom and all this damned "acceptance."

Here's why I think it's still best to leave it to CPS. As cold as it may seem for them to show up unannounced, it may hasten the parents' willingness to believe. You, on the other hand, they can question, and worse, they can question your innocent daughter's credibility. It won't feel good when these parents look at you with expressions of denial and doubt and how-dare-you. Second, leaving it to officialdom means there will be a record of what happened to these children. If you tell the parents, and they go straight to denial, their children may receive no attention whatsoever. CPS will relieve you of the guilt you'd surely feel in watching these children grow up without adequate support, and worse -- indefinitely exposed to the perpetrator. Finally, this is part of what CPS does for a living -- they probably have a way of breaking it to parents that's fairly dispassionate and nonjudgmental. You have no idea how these parents could misconstrue the emotions you're bound to betray. It could lead to something quite unpleasant, and you certainly don't want to find yourself replaying an ugly "scene" in your mind, not on top of everything else you're dealing with. Put yourself first here. Your daughter needs every scrap of calm you've got.

Here's my question: will CPS reveal who "sent" them? I would think this would be completely confidential, so your friends will never know how the call came about.

In addition to Naive's great advice above, another aspect to consider is that from the standpoint of an offender's attorney or counselor, or even from CPS, you going to a neighbor and revealing this can be seen and portrayed as leading, coaching, or conspiring, even though that's the furthest thing from the truth. It's horrible that you have to think this way, but in order for the offender to get the appropriate sentence, or therapy program as is usually the case with underage offenders, you have to think about how your actions will be portrayed. If things don't go as you had hoped, this will create more upset in your home. If you leave it up to the proper authorities, the onus is on them, you've done your part and fulfilled your legal obligation, and you can concentrate on figuring out a healing plan/path for your child and you, and your family.

The parents of others children who are victims of this same offender will be in the same position-- they may have to disclose others they know of who may have been abused, and they will have to go down this same road, finding the right healing path for their child(ren) and families. After all the legal proceedings are out of the way, you all may be able to find your way back to one another and be able to support one another, or maybe circumstances may not play out that way. Everyone's experiencing this and their responses to it are different--they're not right or wrong, they just are what they are.

Have you searched around the MOSAC site? If not, here's the link: http://mosac.net/ . I found this site really very supportive and useful, hope it helps!

Alright ladies,
This is where I stand right now. Every single person who has not had to deal with sexual trauma has shared that they would prefer to have the parent who knew about their child possibly being abused to talk to them directly before they called CPS. Another consistent reaction to my case has been the confusion of why the detective did not report to CPS the information I had given to him. Part of the reason why I have waited to contact the parents as long as I have is due to the fact that I have been trying to figure out how to best approach this subject without legally damaging possible future case. I do not want to be looked at as someone who's trying to lead a witness. However, I also feel strongly that since these people are my friends I need to share something with them before CPS was called so that they do not show up without their knowledge of them coming. I have been on both sides of a CPS situation. Back when my second child was sick, someone called CPS on us due to all the bruises they had on their body which was actually a symptom of his illness. If the person had just asked me I would have shared this with them. But instead I had to go through the feeling of violation of privacy, betrayal, and the weariness of who in the world would have made the call. It was a very dark time for our family even though the allegations were proven to be false. In this last situation, having to do with our own son being inappropriate with his sister as well as the knowledge of this other monster child hurting three of my children, we actually called CPS on ourselves. As difficult as that was, having the control and the knowledge of how and when it was going to go down, made it easier to follow the law. I know that my friends will probably do the right thing with the information that is shared with them. I also know myself, and even though I could call and be anonymous, my personality and my struggle to wear emotions on my sleeve would prevent me from ever being around those families again if I was not honest with them. So at least for the families that I know specific things about, I feel more comfortable directly contacting them and only after that calling CPS if I need to. When it comes to some other families that we suspect things have happened with, but don't have facts, I just need to get their contact information and I will be calling CPS.

I have done my civic duty in reporting to the police even if they chose to do nothing about it. I also feel no guilt and not calling CPS because I am not a mandated reporter. I would like to leave the situation up to the families themselves and not trust this on them especially if their child is not ready to disclose yet. I have a friend who is friends with an ex-district attorney and I'm going to run by her my thoughts before I do anything so to make sure that I don't ruin anything legally. I would like to get your input on the phone conversation that I have written up and see if there's anything that you would either add, subtract or change.

My planned dialogue with the parents of the alleged victims:

"Hi! Is this a good time to talk? This is _____________.

I need to preface what I say by explaining how vitally important it is that you receive what I'm about to share without asking more questions.

My heart has been burdened with information that leads me to believe that ________ might have been abused and I just wanted to urge you to gently talk with your child about personal safety and telling the truth even when it's difficult.

I will be praying for your family but at this time it is better if we end our conversation now. Please don't mention my family when talking with your child. Let this be a personal conversation between the two of you. Goodbye."

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I feel like this specific way of talking to a parent gives them absolutely no information of what type of abuse it is, why I would suspect so, who the perpetrator might be, and it's not so scary that would make them freak out and just hang up and not do anything about it, right? Please give me your honest feedback. Thanks guys for bearing with my torment!

WMX5, I'm going to try to explain my views on this without being judgmental or condescending, and with as much true care and concern as is possible, because I truly do want to see this process go the very best way possible for you and your kids. Having said that, I have had some deliveries that were perceived as less than caring, so I'm telling you ahead of time that if I come across that way, it's not my intent, it's just the way it comes out when I'm writing. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your reasoning, and have grave concerns for you because of the risks that you cannot foresee here.

My views are based on several factors: I'm 6 1/2 years down the road from disclosure and have been thru the legal gymnastics that go on, I have a bachelor of science degree in nursing with a minor in psychology and some graduate credits in Educational and Psychological Research Design and Analysis, I've been through training for many domestic violence scenarios and have 4 years experience as a helpline counselor and a crisis response team member who works closely with law enforcement, and in some cases with the prosecutor's office and the family justice center in our county. Any child abuse cases go thru the child advocacy center that is part of our family justice center. Our women's services agency has a DCF/CPS liaison (in our state it's called DCP&P--Department of Children's Protection and Permanency). My purpose in stating all these credentials is not to brag at all, but to give you the sense that my words can be seen as accurate and credible, and so you can feel secure in what I'm telling you.

So, it's important to realize that whatever laws are on the books have several different purposes, but what goes on with police is completely different than what goes on with investigations and courts. The laws are there just so police have a guiding reference as to what factors need to be in place in order for them to issue the different charges, and the different degrees that each charge can possible have. Once you get beyond that stage, all bets are off as to what may happen. When interviews and court hearings start happening, and especially if a defense attorney gets involved, especially one who has their own private investigator who loves nothing more than to dig up whatever info they can use, even twist it in whatever way they see fit to fulfill their agenda, before you realize what's happening, you can find yourself in the middle of a situation that you could never have imagined that is incredibly worse than the disclosure you had to endure.

This may all seem completely irrelevant to what you foresee for the situation you are in, but the reality is you have absolutely no idea who will react how to whatever info you give them, no matter how gentle and caring you are about it. We also thought that trying to speak with the offender &/or his parents may be the best first step since he/they were close family friends (he/the offender was an adult in a teaching position however), and when we ran this by the sex crimes detective we had, who happened to be incredibly great in our situation, he said absolutely not. He had us speak with an assistant prosecutor who handled most of the sex crimes in our county, and he said absolutely not. They explained much of what I'm trying to share with you here.

You're trying to have control over this situation so you feel you did the best for the other families and for your relationship with them, which is completely natural and commendable, especially in light of what happened to you when your child had bruises. But please, BE CAREFUL. This is a different situation, different circumstances. There is no way you can control how people will react, no matter how great a relationship you have with them. The people you asked about this (who said they'd want to be informed by a friend before CPS was called) by your own words did not ever have to deal with sexual abuse, so you were asking them to give their opinion on something they had no clue about. Believe me, we lost almost all our friends in our community and our church, none of them knew anything about it, nor did they want to believe, learn, or support us. This situation warrants a different approach in the vast majority of the cases, one where you kind of circle the wagons and figure out what the best healing path is for you and your kids, what the steps are to include in that path, and how you are going to go thru those steps. Anyone who isn't on board with you 100% could represent an obstacle to achieving the healing you are seeking. This is where you can have some control, and where your kids can learn to have positive control; the abuse happening gives us a sense of being out of control, having lost control, so it's important to find out where we can not give our control away, and where we can have control that is constructive, positive and healthy.

Many times the healing doesn't include legal actions when minors are involved, because their actions were most likely the result of being exposed to something they shouldn't have been exposed to, and the onus may actually be on an adult whose actions of commission or omission led to the child's perpetration of the abuse, so the "sentence" would be determining the proper therapy and length of it for the offending child. Sometimes an investigation ensues where charging the responsible adult is pursued, sometimes not.

Please just concentrate on your own kids and you, how you want to proceed with counseling, boundary setting, new positive and healthy activities and traditions, and let CPS handle what goes on with the other victims and their families. It is absolutely better to report to CPS, let them handle informing the other victims' families, and not have contact with them until the investigation, legal proceedings if any, and the "sentencing" if any, is all in the past. If the relationship with them is a good one, they will understand why you handled things the way you did. It has everything to do with protecting your kids and you from further stress, and abuse by the system itself.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I am a mandatory reporter in my state, and I wouldn't be serving you rightly if I didn't tell you the truth. I hope this all makes sense to you and is helpful. If there's any other way I can be of help, please know I'm here for you.

I have to say that I also agree with bandmom 100%. My child was also abused by a juvenile and I wanted justice and I wanted to be involved to be sure he was punished. At the end of the day, he will end up in treatment of some sort if he gets anything and very unlikely that he will be in "trouble". If I could go back, I would spend less time worrying about getting justice, because it doesn't feel like it ever came. So my advice is to focus on what you can control and that is your children's recovery. Chances are those parents are not going to want to believe anything happened to their children and if their kids don't disclose, you will look like you are causing problems. I encourage any parent I know to talk about body safety so that doesn't seem out of the realm of what you could do. BUT, I would involved DCS and let them to their job, even if that means ruffling feathers.

When we first found out I wanted to call all of my husbands extended family to tell them what happened,I wanted everyone to know.I wanted to put it on the 6 o'clock news. I wanted to call the boy scouts and tell them.I think it is normal to want to protect/warn others. Others here told me to just concentrate on my daughter and leave things alone.I was pissed that anyone could tell me that,but they were right.I think it is our nature to want to protect others,I mean we do it all the time.Call CPS and distance yourself,chances are if you do speak to the other families they will not believe you anyway and think you are a trouble maker