Brokenmother,
You CAN and you WILL get through this. You also need to allow yourself to grieve. ALL of us have felt what you're feeling at some point in our journey! It is totally normal...you have lost something precious and so has your daughter: your sense of security, privacy, trust, innocence. These things were stolen from you by your ex. He deceived you and took advantage of your baby girl! If you didn't feel angry, depressed, sad, overwhelmed, lonely, etc. THEN I would be concerned. Let yourself grieve...and find a supportive, kind therapist to help you through this difficult transition to "new normal."

You're right, life as you knew it will never be the same. BUT you WILL find a new rhythm and a unique sense of joy again. You have to look at the positive: your daughter disclosed while she was still young so she can get therapy and get better before she's an adult! She told you when you have some choice in reporting it to the police (if she was an adult, you'd have no say.) You have a relationship that is good enough that she chose YOU to be her person in sharing this horrible secret! Your ex isn't in the picture anymore so there's no upheaval of living arrangements or finances, etc. These are just a few that I can draw from the little bit you have shared. I'm sure you could find more positives knowing your own situation!

It will take time to heal. Be patient. Be persevering. Don't give up and let that man steal any more of your life! Focus forward and be proactive in helping your daughter heal through therapy, healthy friendships, fun activities, a safe home environment, etc. Ask her what she needs from you and her answers will give you something to do. We're all here for you if you need us! I'm so sorry that your having to go through this pain too. :(

I don't feel like I can go back to work until there is some resolution to this. While we're interviewing with the police and worried about the trial that's all I can focus on. Is it an overreaction to give up working? I just don't think I'm up to it.

I say if you can afford to be out of work then do it.Use the time to research and care for yourself and your daughter. You will have bad days but use the time to educate yourself,there is so much to know and that way you are not just vegging on the couch.

Oh broken mother. We have all been there! I felt like I was skinned alive for a long long time. I too was so angry the world just goes on when you feel like you have fallen off of it. I did not find out until my youngest was 15 and oldest 19!! By father in law, who molested them for YEARS! Little girls, my babies. I raged, I was suicidal, I was depressed, despondent, weeks went by that I don't remember.... Know what saved me? This site! These ladies that know exactly what you are going through. Keep talking here. I went to work, don't ask me how, but I did. Maybe a little normalcy? My girls were watching my every move. I think they thought there mother was going to disappear(believe me, I felt like it!) but then slowly, little by little, things started to get better. I had to get better for my girls. We are closer than ever. Hugs to you. H

I just don't feel like I'm as strong as some of you. I think I'm just holding on until he is arrested and convicted then I just want to die

I have a meeting to attend in a minute, but I just wanted to pile on with the love and support. Back later.

No broken mother, none of us was strong, we were all broken. But you have to get through this to help your daughter, she needs you. That is what got me off the floor!!! They needed me. They needed to see that I was a fighter. You have it in you. I promise you do. Please listen to us. We have been where you have been. You are in crisis! Please seek help any way you can for you and your daughter. Rage here, we will help you.... H

Hi, I agree with the others....if you didn't feel that way, you wouldn't be here asking questions!!
I have to add something....something many of us didn't hear as kids... You believed your daughter!! You are a very strong person! That alone would drain anyone! By you saying "I believe you" to her, is almost as strong as saying " I love you"... By contacting the police, and starting the process is showing her that you believe her...even better!!
Some of us heard 'I believe you' but the actions was 'now let's brush it under the rug'... Or worse 'yeah I believe you, but not strong enough to leave him'... Both of these are kinda 'normal' for survivors to go through...

Now, next step... If you have family medical leave at work, use it... Your family (your daughter and any other children) need you right now.. Your daughter needs to know that what she said to you was the right thing to do, and for not to blame herself... Sadly, the road could very will get very bumpy now...
If he denies everything, there may be a trail... And things could get stretched out for a while.... You as a mom need to show your daughter that you're still beside her, and backing her up.
Both of you need to find a therapist... Professional one...
If you need help finding one, contact (or google)
R.A.I.N.N.
They will help both of you out, and guild you to the next step..

Hang in there mom, your daughter need you now more than ever...
Also, please, as hard as it is, do NOT blame yourself... Your ex is the only one to blame, only him...

You truly are never alone, we really do understand..

Notalone00

I'm so sorry, Brokenmother. Annholly is right -- "broken" is the baseline. We all, who have been here for many months -- and some of us for years, have started at "broken." We may sound confident now, but we have learned that life is one day at a time. But please believe me, you are about to learn what it means to be strong. The date of disclosure is also the day you begin to develop superpowers you never knew were in you. But like any strength, you have to build it.

I know you are completely overwhelmed now, and in utter torment. Your world hasn't even begun to turn right side up yet. ALL you want to do is to see your daughter healed and happy (well, and to see that bastard burn in hell). Here's a secret: for you to see your daughter healed and happy, YOU must work on being healed and happy yourself.

Do EVERYTHING you can do to seek peace, moment to moment, breath to breath, one fucking step/bite/dirty dish/shower/paid bill at a time. It's all going to be hard for awhile. But you can do it. We were all where you were -- we couldn't believe the day would come when we would want to live again. And that day won't be tomorrow for you, and you may have to fake it for awhile. BUT....you are not going to do it alone. You are going to get help. You are going to find the best therapist you can who understands PTSD, because you've got that now. I'm very sorry. This is normal, and you need to treat it. I'm going to bump up a post about why you need a therapist for YOURSELF. Your daughter needs a trauma therapist, of course, but so do you.

I am super proud of you for seeking help for yourself already. People who post here are all at different places in their healing (as are their children). We are all pretty good listeners, and I'd have to say, we are all wiser in our own ways, day by day. I'm sorry to say, but in a day or two you won't even be the newest newcomer; you will find that lending your own ear will be part of your healing.

YOU ARE LOVED and NEEDED, and you're going to get through this. You've already taken your first steps.

Today was really bad. My ex doesn't know that I know yet and has been messaging and calling me all day. Texting saying how much he loves and misses me. I haven't responded to any of it but I'm scared to block him as he might figure out I know. I also had to tell my youngest son that he couldn't see his daddy ever again. I couldn't even give him the reason. I'm scared about how that's going to effect him too :(

What a manipulative bastard; all child sex abusers are -- we here all know at least one or two. I could not be sorrier about all the changes you're having to make, WHILE trying to keep the disclosure secret in order to protect your children.

What's the next step in determining grounds for prosecution? I.e., will police soon be paying him a visit? Did they mention that a restraining order might be a good idea? I would absolutely ask about that, if not. You need to be able to sleep. He thought the secret was good and buried all these years. He may be pretty volatile when he learns that he's been exposed.

Either way, you may want to call a domestic violence hotline to discuss how you should proceed. Here's a number:

http://www.thehotline.org/

Also, if you have yet to do so, please visit www.mosac.net -- a really thorough website for mothers of sexually abused children.

We're actually currently out of the country so not in any danger from him. We we're actually still together when my daughter disclosed. He is in the states working and we are out of the country at my parents he was working on getting his visa to join us. I'm not sure what's going on with the case at the moment, me and my daughter have both been interviewed and all that info has been sent to the defectives where the assaults happened. Apparently they need a lot of specific info before they can issue an arrest warrant. We've been told this will be a long process

As a daughter that disclosed to my mom at around 13 and wasn't protected from my step dad it was just swept under the rug. Thank you for believing your daughter and not excusing the behavior. And for reporting. You did the right and necessary thing. One day at a time. This is the hardest place to be in the time between disclosure and the investigation being complete. Thankfully the kids don't have to worry about seeing him. Try to help the police by not tipping him off but if it puts your children at risk for more trauma by talking or seeing him out the kids before the investigation. It is overwhelming for months hang in there and focus on finding therapists for you and the kids. Hugs.

I agree, what a manipulative bastard! Perfect description of a child molester. If he is your ex, why do you have to respond to his calls or texts? I am so glad you and the kids are not near him right now. I pray he does not get his visa. Hang in there. H