Update: Eldest daughter has gone off on me twice since original post, pulling out the narcissist accusations again. Telling me that I did not take responsibility when apologizing, that she and her sister "WERE ABUSED."

Went on to make further allegations:
Because I sometimes bought clothing that was too big and then gave it to them, instead (they were larger in size), it made them feel terrible and this was abuse.

Because I frequently said I was fat (I suffered from anorexia as a pre-teen, and body dysmorphia), and was in fact smaller than they were, this was abuse.

Currently - there are more conditions of estrangement - because I am now "always negative and critical of others," THIS is why my youngest will not speak to me. (Interesting that they are negative and critical of me, yet that is acceptable.)

I mean...it doesn't end. They are SO intolerant of any behavior other than their own, with zero insight or concern as to why someone might have a different thought, or opinion, or behavior. Navigating this is confusing, and heartbreaking.

I think this is very painful and a tough situation for you. It is very heart breaking.

One thing I learned was to accept that each member of the family has differing viewpoints. I stopped trying to change them and just worked on changing me. I work on, not worked on, changing me. I realized "they must change" is a recipe for disaster.

It is unhealthy to be focused on how others must change and sometimes we get this jab from our adult kids. They tell us how we must change. We feel so hurt we think about how they must change. When the constant criticism doesn't end, then we have to do something different within ourselves.

I think you would benefit from taking a break from these intense conversations. They are not going to change by you arguing or engaging in this stuff. You are correct that they are intolerant and not interested in your opinion.

Some parents think they must be nice and listen to all this constant criticism because many experts say we should. Other parents think they can out argue and try to make the adult child be reasonable. But illogical or irrational people can't be forced to be logical or reasonable. And we parents might become the illogical or irrational people after all this arguing about our faults - I mean how much can one person take?

I've been reading Bill Eddy's books about high conflict people. These high conflict people must have a target of blame. Nice people often become the target of blame because they don't recognize the patterns of abuse. I highly recommend his books. I have a lot of high conflict personalities in my extended family. I have two EC that are this way.

We do not have to defend ourselves. Sometimes we are better off not engaging or if we do, not getting defensive. It won't change them and only hurts our feelings, makes us depressed. Don't allow yourself to be JADEd: don't justify, argue, defend, explain.

Sometimes our kids just want to tell us something and be listened to. Their viewpoint is their viewpoint. We have to accept this as reality or it eats us alive inside our hearts and minds. We are not accepting that they are "right", we are accepting that they have different viewpoints than ourselves. We don't have to JADE or defend ourselves.

And of course, a blamer as I call them, will be pissed off when we don't engage so it is totally no win. But you have to protect your heart, step back, take a break, and gain new perspective on this. I had to realize I could not make my EC love me in the way I wanted to be loved. That was a tough thing.

Thank you thank you hasty, for the experience and wise words that you offer. I will continue efforts to step back whenever these attacks occur. Peace to you this day.