If I understand correctly, co-present means you're aware of what's happening, but can't influence it. Co-conscious means you are aware and can influence it, although I may have that backwards.

An example, for me, is when the housekeeper shows up. It's a completely different "energy" if you will. She pervades my entire body and mind and I'm aware of it, but can't stop it, although I am fully aware when she goes away because I suddenly come back and there's no energy left.

However, when my protector (thus far unnamed) comes out, I can "see" what's happening, but it's like in my head, I'm screaming, "STOP IT!!!" but nothing changes and the protector keeps going. I have no control over what s/he does and it's humiliating.

I forgot to add: when the protector comes out, I often "black out" and don't remember what was said.

Wheezie--I don't think I blame myself--at least not consciously. And I am a firm believer in healing. I just feel so undone right now. And I dread therapy this week because I've decided to take all that I've written about the abuses I can remember and read them to my therapist; 41 instances. But so many blanks.

Still, I appreciate your uplifting words.

loum50-- your share was so open and forthcoming. I thank you for your honesty. I also admire the way you have handled the spending situation...very smart.

PaigeC--very helpful information. Thank you for being so real.
And I hope things are becoming less stressful for you. ((hugs))

xx

Ok so that's where the dismay comes in.That is completely understandable.That is a lot to share.I know in my own experience in sharing it also triggers new memories in me.Perhaps and hopefully in you sharing with your therapist it will fill in some of the blanks for you as well.

Wheezie,

My first response was, "I hope not." I don't want to remember all that stuff. But, how else will I down those walls? Does anyone know how to get those walls down besides remembering and sharing with a safe other???

I know I can't make a difference in my own life until I face whatever it is I have to face--even when I don't want to.

This work is harder than hard.

It is very hard work but well worth the struggle.It's impotant to understand the more your share your memories with another the more you desensitize yourself and are able to remember so it does become easier after the first initial steps.It is also important to make sure that the one you share with is well experienced,knows all of the dynamics of abuse and can handle hearing what you have to say.If they aren't they can be a major hindrance to your healing.I know it's scary but you have already lived through the nightmare.It's in the past. All that is left are the memories and to heal from them.

what are you supposed to do with the memories after you tell them?

Anything you please Stephanie.In your brain they will basically be only information stored without any emotional or physical hurt connected to them any longer once you heal from them.There are many people that go through the ritual of burning the paper their memories are written on or something similar as an act of cleansing themselves and closure but it is completely up to each individual person what they do with them.

I like that word Wheezie "cleansing." I had a room in my house that I didn't go into for 3 years. Then I finally started seeing a T and talked about what happened, why I wouldn't go into the room. Then I cleaned the room, repainted and turned it into a home gym. Now I go in and use the room everyday! The memories are still there but somehow the emotions I had with it are gone.

What a wonderful way to turn a negative into a positve Schims! Not only by changing the room in it's appearance but also making it into a room where you can utilize a good coping mechanism exercise.

Wheezie -- My T. said the same thing you did about what happens to the memories after their out. I'll still have the memory but will have no emotions connected to it. It will be a dead piece of history.

I took the abuse writing with me, intent on reading them but she came in just a minute or two before our session was suppose to start and that triggered me.

I mean, it triggered a false belief that I was not worth the trouble it takes to get there a few minutes early to be ready to do the work. I brought it up but could not make myself say to her why it triggered me; I just withdrew and sat there with closed eyes.

I knew she wanted to say more but she also knew I would not respond. Eventually, I did share with her the paragraph you wrote about getting started talking to the parts (I won't let myself say, alters) and she thought it was wonderful.

And I shared Schims description of how DID is different from parts. She thought that that explanation was clear and had never heard it described that way before.

She also said that DID does run on a continuum but that it is not a linear continuum. That surprised me because I had been picturing a linear continuum for myself.

She said DID, because of its complexity and individuality, is difficult to "box".

Okay, I see what I'm doing here. I am sidetracking because I am so terrified about what's going to come up in next session. And I'm back to crying, not wanting to believe, yet, holding to the possibility it may be true.

And holding even tighter to a paragraph I read from Ram Dass' book, "Still Here". He said, and I quote,

"Ego...is how we usually approach the world....The Ego realm includes all of the things we experience as 'ourselves' on the psycho-physical plane: our physical bodies, our personalities, fame, reputation, possessions, emotions, and the CONCEPTUAL STRUCTURES WITHIN OUR MINDS THAT DEVELOP TO HELP US FUNCTION HERE."

DID is a conceptual structure within my mind that I developed to help me function in spite of the trauma in my life. Somehow, knowing this makes me feel sane and amazing.

Still scared, but in awe of our minds will to survive.

xx

SuzA66 when I was reading your words that are in caps I was about to break into a big response by describing Buddhism and French Existentialism. I've been thinking about it lately. Then you made sense and I came back to mine. lol

What you said was perfect. It seems like you are very much like us in fear and confusion about DID but it's obvious how much you are trying to heal. I just wanted to congratulate you.

I found this interesting blurb explaining the structures that have developed within our minds to help us function... it is from a definitions list on psychforums

"Structural dissociation of the personality may occur in trauma, with the pre-traumatic personality fragmenting into what Myers (1940) referred to as an 'apparently normal' and an 'emotional' personality."

"The 'Emotional Personality' (EP) is directed by the defensive emotional (sub)systems in particular, and is characterized by fixation in the trauma, hypermnesia, somatosensory experiences of the trauma, retraction of the field of consciousness to the trauma and related stimuli, and disorientation to the present time."
"The 'Apparently Normal' Personality (ANP) is directed by emotional systems related to daily life, including attachment. The primary function of the ANP is to adequately function in daily life, which would not be possible if unintegrated trauma was intruding. Thus, the ANP is fixated in avoidance of the trauma, detachment, some degree of amnesia or other lack of realization, retraction of the field of consciousness to issues of daily life that excludes trauma and related stimuli, and emotional and physical numbing."
"The dissociation of a single EP and a single ANP is termed primary structural dissociation, and is found in acute stress disorder and simple PTSD. If trauma is prolonged and severe, further fragmentation occurs along defensive subsystems, resulting in two or more EPs and a single ANP. This so-called secondary structural dissociation is found in complex PTSD, trauma-related borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. Finally, tertiary structural dissociation occurs only in DID, and includes not only fragmentation of EPs, but also fragmentation of the ANP."
"It is important to note that ANPs and EPs represent a wide range of dissociated contents, ranging from rudimentary and single states (e.g., a feeling or behavior) to much more elaborated and autonomous set of states (e.g., clearly distinguished aspects of DDNOS and DID)."

GeorgeSand,

Your congratulations are very important to me. Thank you for sending them. I receive them with gratitude.

And, yes, I am working, working, working on healing. It feels like healing has been my life's work and now this new road to travel.

I feel struck down on one hand and, on the other hand, hopeful that this is what I have been preparing myself for all these years; preparing to discover ALL of me.

I'm still scared and uncertain and have been watching myself to see what comes up.

And, I've been thinking about Dass' definition of Ego. If my parts are the result of my conceptual structures then that means they are of Ego.

And though I know I am more than Ego, (i.e., Soul and Source) I still have to deal with the structures that I've created.

Do you think that's right???

Trying hard to understand.

xx

WheelWatcher,

Wow. I read the paragraph four times. It's interesting and I'm wondering how relevant it's theory is (1940), given the new treatment of sexual abuse that is being used today and the new information that is coming from brain studies.

I don't think I ever had a "normal" personality since the abuse began in the crib.

I don't know. I do know I am printing it out to take to therapy with me. Maybe my T. can comment on it to help me understand it better.

Thank you for taking the time to post it.

xx
SuzA