theblackrose,

Oh, dear, it is not you who are confused--it's me. I appreciate your help.

I just need so much more information--maybe from myself(s).
It's too new and sounds preposterous to me. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Yet, it also has me in awe. I'm looking back over my life and trying to recall times when I wasn't there --if that makes sense.

And I have a real sense of fear of what I might recall. ..things better left buried.

Shit, this work is hard.

I have most of the symptoms of DID. I knew 25 years ago that I had very distinct parts and that some took over with me being unaware. my therapist at the time gave me a more technical explanation, I don't remember all of it but part was that I was very compartmentalized. I knew I dissociared to the point of not being there. I just didn't know it was MPD or DID. Since I've been working with a therapist that treats people with DID and I've embraced my parts, I have been feeling so much better.

I wouldn't be upset with the dx, but hopeful. I really do feel a lot better

loum50,

Thanks for your help. See, the thing is I've never had a sense of distinct parts. It's more like maybe losing myself for a few moments though I'm unaware of it at the time.

It's only looking back that I wonder where I was when....whatever happened, happened.

Right now it distresses me to think I'm not all there (no, I don't mean crazy) but just being absent from myself even if it's only for short periods of time.

And it makes me feel more different than ever.

You can probably tell I'm really ignorant about DID. and I hope my questions don't stress anyone out.

Hi Suz,

I'm almost entirely co-conscious. I don't know who all my parts are yet, but I am getting to know them ever so slowly.

Co-consciousness, for me, is mostly like having the sense that someone else is driving the engine. I can see everything that is going on, but I am unable to influence it.

I don't lose time that often, but when I do, it's usually a younger part that takes over and just hangs out.

And sometimes I switch really quickly... from teen to child to me to abuser. That tends to happen when I am in threatening situations.

acaseofyou12581,

Helpful. Thank you so much.

I think the possibility of DID is still too new for me. At this moment I look back at my life and I feel as if I've never existed--that it was someone else going through the motions of day to day existence...but who?

I've worked for years on healing, but this possibility shakes even that foundation. Or, maybe I needed to build that foundation before facing this "maybe" truth.

I don't know. But, I do know that I appreciate all that's been offered.

Thanks.

I really identify with so many of you. I do also feel as of this dx shakes my foundation. I keep trying to disbelieve it but my mind won't put it back in the box. I feel as I am being pushed forward on a wave.

Juneflower,

I'm doing the same thing--trying to disbelieve it.

That's why I came here; to get "proof" that I'm okay. Deeply wounded--yes, split--no.

I so don't want to say anything that might insult or hurt people. (Please forgive me if I do because it's not intentional. Put it mainly to my ignorance about DID.) And, still, I don't know how else to say things except to say them.

I don't want to be split or lose parts of my life. I don't want to even contemplate the possibility that the T. diagnosis is right. I don't want to be different. And I don't want to be that wounded.

It feels like this long healing journey has just begun again. Part of me is horrified. Part of me is grateful.

Especially grateful for this site.

I think it's helpful to remember you are still you the only difference from now and then is your awareness of having MPD/DID. Sure there is the worrisome scary realization that you are not in complete control at times but there is also the realization that with this discovery you will find parts of yourself that have been missing for years.Beautiful parts that hold talents and awesome personality traits as well as intelligence and connections to emotions that were in hiding due to abuse. The walls of suppression severe those connections in your brain but with healing they can be reconnected and you can live out your true full potential.

I feel the sooner we accept the dx, the sooner we will start to heal. I am also grateful for this site. It is the best.

Juneflower-- I think before I can accept it I have to believe it first. And, at this point I'm just not sure.

Wheezie-- Again, I find myself in tears reading your post. "Parts of yourself that have been missing for years"...and "Live out your true full potential" made me cry the hardest.

Why would I cry if this did not touch me. And why would it touch me if it were not true.

I feel so tired now. I'm going to sign off. But I thank everyone who helped me today.

Wheezie, you definitely put a positive spin on it! Thnx

Yes, Wheezie has it. You are no different than you were before you got the dx. It's just a structure and vocabulary to organize your thinking and your therapist's treatment.

i don't think there's a difference between other people and us except that we are more severe in the differences between our parts because they don't communicate as much. saying we are deranged or damaged or disordered is just another way to blame the victim.

acaseofyou12581--I appreciate what you're saying though on first reading it made me cry because it seemed like such a solid take on the situation and therefore, a given--that the dx is right and I am split.

But, I wonder how can I organize my thinking if there are all these "parts". And who is really in control?

Some part of me is terrified of this road on the healing journey. Terrified. And I want to run.

Wutsthepoint -- I agree with you that saying we are deranged or damaged or have a disorder is "Just another way to blame the victim;" that's why I always describe my experiences as a wounding. Wounds heal.

And thank you for pointing out that we are no different from others except in the way our parts do or don't communicate. I had to read that a few times before I understood what you were saying; it eased me a little.

I am so grateful for the help. Grateful to be heard. And grateful to have this support as I continue to explore this possibility because I still can't believe it. Rather, I don't want to believe it.

If you're not showing the classic symptoms of DID how did you come to realize the truth??? How did you discover you were split? How?

I like how my therapist described it, I'll try to give her explanation as best I can.

Everyone dissociates to some degree. Everyone has different parts of themselves and sometimes are different given different circumstances. The difference with DID is that we don't flow from one part/alter to the next like singles do.

Singles can easily switch back and forth between their different parts and still be the same person. The therapist descibed it as if the different parts were divided by netting, that allows the person to switch back and forth (flow between personality traits) and not have difficulties in life. People with DID have solid walls between their different parts. Each personality is compartmentalized.