I think you got you a good therapist there Schims!

Schims

I can't thank you enough. Your explanation via your therapist was extremely helpful. I understand what you're saying and though I can't stop crying it is now clear to me what work I have before me...bringing those walls down.

I'm not sure what that looks like or how I'll do it--no doubt, with the help of my therapist--but come down they must because I am so, so weary of feeling disconnected from people.

So weary of feeling like there is something horribly wrong with me. And weary of feeling like I'm not enough.

I'm thinking maybe some won't want the walls down, but even if I can run a line to them it would help. (I'm sounding kinda crazy to myself.) Still, I'm hoping you all understand what I'm trying to say.

Schims, I will keep your explanation in front of me. Thank you so much for taking the time to share it.

Wheezie, I agree.

I had a good session today. I told her about the wizard and about the female part called Gretchen. She was very validating and said they were protectors. The wizard is the one who goes to work. Gretchen is happiest when shopping and is a compulsive shopper.

My therapist also said that these alters, this DID, is a GOOD thing. It got me through all the tough times in my life. I could have done a lot worse things trying to cope through the trauma.

All those alters are pieces of ME (I'm co-conscious). Our goal at this point, as I'm only a few weeks into learning about DID, is to have open communication between the different pieces of me. To try to flow from personality to personality. You don't have to integrate to lead a content and successful life.

Loum50--does Gretchen, as a compulsive shopper, disrupt your life? Can you tell her "we can't afford that right now?"

Schims --How do you go about initiating open communication between the parts???

I hope you all understand that I have so many questions. I feel like I'm walking blind right now, and it's scary.

Thanks.

singulers have parts?

I believe it's a Jungian philosophy that all people have "parts" (or sub-personalities) and I believe that's why there's such a huge chasm in the DID arena - there's the psychiatric believers and the non because some are Jungian and some are Fruedian and some go completely out on their own.

It's been my experience that Jungian pyshcs don't believe in DID, so much as sub-personalities that are disconnected in some way. They don't believe in the clinical explanation of DID. Again, this has only been MY experience.

My "parts" started emerging long ago but I didn't know it and my friends and family (kids) merely referred to them as "mood swings" which I know, now, is how it's often described by observers. Now I feel like I am co-present, as they emerge, but not always co-conscious. I think this will continue once I'm over all the drama that's going on in my life right now. I don't think any of my parts are feeling safe at the moment so they've retreated, yet I wonder if they're still at work unbeknownst to me because of the high stress level I'm going through. I wouldn't be surprised.

Someone once told me the brilliance of DID is how it hides itself from its host. I think this is so true!

mamonth--yes, this was recently news to me too, that "singulars" have parts. Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., founder of the Internal Family System agrees with the research that says "People are naturally multiple...trauma creates powerful separation and conflicts among the pre-existing multiplicity."

And as Schims said, "Singles can easily switch back and forth between their different parts and still be the same person," because there is not a wall between their parts like there is for those with DID.

PaigeC--My heart lurched when you said observers described your switching as "mood swings" because I got told that so much--even into adulthood.

If you are co-present when the switching occurs why can't you also be co-conscious? Can you make a conscious decision to be aware of everything that's said and done?

PaigeC, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I know you are stressed right now and it touches me that you still care enough to reach out to help a faceless voice. ((hugs)).

My husband is not separated but agrees to the IFS model.He says he switches between various parts of his personality when needed to get things accomplished.The only difference between him and I is my parts don't completely share memory yet.

Wheezie, your posts are so validating to me. I hesitate to say because I don't want to insult anyone, that your words make me feel "normal"-- whatever that is.

Can I assume that once all parts share memory they will operate as one??

Yes Suz that is integration.Many people(including me) who have been abused walk their lives feeling lost or not complete.Like there is something missing.There is.These parts of yourself that were forced into hiding from abuse.As you move further into healing and discover more and more parts the more complete you feel until finally at the end of your journey you are whole.I am not there completely yet but I know it is in my future.

You asked Schims how do you get these parts to start communicating.I have a phrase that I used when I first started talking to my parts.It has worked wonders in helping facilitate communication between us.Here it is.

If anyone can hear me, I want to apologize for any way I have offended you. I didnt want to believe you were real but I now understand that I was wrong. I want to love and accept you and would value you sharing with me. Please speak to me.

It usually helps if you speak out loud (or at least in an audible whisper) to your alters. If you suspect you might know the alters name or something about the alter, use this information as you speak. This, too, might increase the chance of a reply.

I hope this helps.

By the way you are completely normal.This is the normal course of action a human brain takes to deal with overwhelming trauma and you stepping further into recovery by realizing you have MPD/DID is a very good thing.It's proof that you are moving forward in your healing.

Wheezie,

I can't stop crying. Right now the tears are mostly tears of dismay. Dismay at all the times I felt I was missing something vital inside, like something was wrong with me because I could not really connect with people.

Dismay that I spent years looking for "something" or someone to help me without knowing what I was looking for; and while everything helped a little--enough to keep me going--I just never thought....

The me that built a stone tower to survive the world refuses to accept the dx, but I have printed out your phrase for talking to the different parts anyway and will take them to therapy this week.

I am grateful for your help Wheezie.
xx

It is normal to grieve for the loses we have suffered due to abuse but essential to realize that these loses were not caused by us.They were caused by the ones who abused us.A child suffering abuse from a loved one would have to dissconnect in order to survive.If they didn't they would most likely go insane.It is tragic that these dysfunctional patterns stay with us until we get into recovery but also a miracle that we can recover and change them. I grieve the loses of my past which is essential to healing but I also look to the promise of better things to come in the future.You are very welcome!

My therapist also uses IFS and it makes a lot of sense. As far as shopping goes, I have to make a real effort to stay present. If I don't she spends a lot more money than I want to. Sometimes I get to the cashire and I wonder what I bought. I no longer use credit cards or debit cards that way I can't spend more than I have on me. If I can stay present, I can exert some control, but not all the time. Most of the time I do spend more than I want to, especially on things that are ccolorful or purple. I find that I buy more clothes than I need or have room for and I end up giving some away. Sometimes I find bags and don't remember buying what is in them. All of the clothes I buy are basically unisex, nothing too masculin or too feminine. Although I end up buying both men's clothes and women's clothes. I usuall wear polos ang jeans to work and tees and jeans or sweats or shorts at home.