Hi all. This is my first post and there's a lot of parts to the story that I need to include so everything makes sense. If this is the wrong forum, then I understand, just let me know and I'll move it. :)

So I'm brand new to the community here and I'm looking for some support. I recently moved from CA where I was basically born and lived in my whole life to Texas and right now, therapy isn't an option. I had a great therapist back in Cali that I worked with for a couple years, but right now, money is pretty tight (more on that in a bit) so I'm looking for some free resources if anyone has any suggestions,

So how'd I end up in Texas?

My boyfriend and I met about two years ago in a very weird way. We both were in two totally different places in our lives . I was just starting out in my career, he was looking for a fresh start in CA (he's originally from Texas), and we just sort of came into each other's lives. At first, we didn't like each other very much at all, but as time went on, he shared that he had feelings for me, and although, I initially told him I didn't feel the same, I could feel myself becoming more attracted to him.

Once COVID hit in March 2020, I was forced to change jobs and we lost contact. He did reach out to me several times afterwards, but I was going through so much stress that I pushed him away every time. Even though I never told him my true feelings, I honestly could not stop thinking about him during the time we were apart and missed him so much. Although I will admit that when I do fall for someone, I fall hard...I never felt so intensely towards someone. In fact, there were times where I would think of him before I fell asleep and hear from him the next day. He was unlike anyone I'd ever met, and different from all of my previous boyfriends or men that I was usually attracted to.

Last summer, he reached out again to let me know he went back to Texas. We started messaging back and forth a couple times a week, which quickly led to several hour long conversations every day. Even though I was happy that wee were talking again and could tell he was too, he started to talk about how depressed he was and would often even talk about suicide (which was something I already knew about). He also was having a hard time keeping a job due to his anxiety and anger issues. Finally, I told him that he needed to get help, and he was able to get into a treatment program in CA.

He officially came back to California in October, and we would meet and go out every weekend. Eventually, I asked what his plans were after treatment and he said he was still nervous about finding a job and working, and asked if we could live together. I knew things were moving fast, but after seeing him and being with him again, I couldn't bear the thought of having to give that up, so I agreed. I'd never lived on my own before but I'd been working since I was 17 and had saved up quite a bit of money, plus with my full time job, I was able to get us a place by December.

At first, things seemed great. We loved living together, but we also failed to take into account the issues we both had been dealing with before we even got together. We both have inner child wounds. His come from growing up in an environment with abuse and not getting the love he needed. My family, on the other hand, was very enmeshed. My mother was very controlling and although she could be warm and loving at times, she could become cold and hateful or full of rage if I ever went against her. My mom and I had what many outsiders believed to be a "close relationship", as long as I complied with whatever she wanted.

As soon as I met my boyfriend, things changed. I knew my mother didn't approve of how fast I'd moved in with my boyfriend, and although I never told her, I knew she suspected that he wasn't working (which I never pushed due to his anxiety and mental health), which she also didn't like. I kept so many parts of our relationship a secret to protect him, which made my mom feel like I lied to her. I hated that I was hurting her, but I love my boyfriend, and he encouraged me to stop letting my mom run my life. My boyfriend and I also had several arguments, which would often end with one of us threatening to leave. We both have strong fears of abandonment, and assume one of us is going to leave every time we fight, but neither of us meant it. More often than not, he usually begs me to stay, but I have begged him too.

This past June, I accidentally crashed my car because I accidentally got out while it was in reverse. I ended up damaging the drivers door, as well as completely smashing the back end, including the trunk and rear window. I was later told by the car repair shop that it was totaled. I was crushed!! I loved that car and had bought it 5 years ago as a pre-owned vehicle and paid it off on my own. My boyfriend was so supportive and helped me move everything out of the car without saying a word.

I called my parents that evening because I was hoping in my time of need that they would offer some kind of support. As soon as they got to my apartment, however, my mom was confrontational, saying that my life was "spinning out of control" due to my boyfriend because I had already gotten a speeding ticket two months earlier and ran over a curb- both of which were my own careless mistakes. Of course, she also didn't know that even though I was working full time and making decent money, I was struggling to barely able make ends meet on my own with the cost of rent and other living expenses in southern California. Or that with my boyfriend's mental health, I often blame and hold myself responsible (even though he tells me not to) for his unhappiness and not doing enough. I started crying, saying that I felt depressed that I couldn't do anything right and my boyfriend overheard and came out to comfort me.

My mom started yelling at him to go away, and all of the anger that I guess she'd bee holding back against him for the past 6 months came out. They both started yelling horrible things at each other. Eventually, the cops were called (not sure by who) and the next day, we were told that we had to leave the apartment due to a noise complaint. So there I was.

Without a car, and now , no place to live. I texted my mom and she offered to let me move back, but stated that I had to break up with my boyfriend first. I refused. I felt like I had already lost my car and the apartment...my first place on my own... and that it would be too much to be way from him after spending every day together for the past 6 months. My boyfriend and I had already said that we needed each other now more than ever.

So we relocated to Texas. His mom was gracious enough to offer to let us stay, and so over the next 3 days we packed what we could from my apartment, left the rest, and drove a rental car across 3 states. I told my mom what I was doing and of course, she didn't like the idea. She thought it was impulsive and desperate, which I agree, it kind of was, but that wasn't the worst of it. She also went as far as to make up a story about her overhearing my boyfriend on the phone with another girl while she supposedly came over one day and claimed to have heard the whole thing through the door. Cheating is a HUGE dealbreaker for me, and so as soon as I heard this, I confronted him. He suggested we test this out, and called his brother while I stood outside. That door is almost bullet-proof- you can't hear anything...I couldn't even hear him telling me to come back inside let alone a full blown conversation. So she LIED to me.

The night before we left, I dropped off a box of old toys and decorations by her mailbox. She messaged me the next day, and I told her I was already on the way to Texas and she said "you left without saying good bye?". I could tell it hurt, which was what I honestly wanted but I didn't expect it to hurt me as much. My mom has always made a big deal out of lying, and my dad cheated on her several times throughout their marriage, yet here she was coming up with such a low blow- and a lie- just to break me and my boyfriend up. We haven't talked since because she still won't admit it was a lie even after being proven wrong.

To make matters even worse, about a month ago, my dad found a post where I was basically venting about the situation with my mom lying and decided to publicly post something I had told my parents that I expected to be kept private. My settings on Instagram are set so that only my followers can see what I post, but his is completely open. And he used my name, and said that his own "indiscretions (his pet name for his numerous affairs) pale in comparison" to mine.

Not only that, but our problems have been far from over since getting here. Even though the cost of living is considerably less, finding a job that pays well has been a constant struggle. I'm currently working remote for a company in CA, but I'm only part time. The pay is decent, but we are also making car payments on top of rent so its been rough.

I also didn't like spending time around my boyfriend's family and friends because I felt like I had to cut my family off and was (admittedly) jealous that he got to have his around all the time. We have been fighting more, but part of that is because we agreed that we would both work now, and I haven't backed down. We are both stressed , and I know he is scared we will fail if I don't have a good job.

I just wish he would see things from my perspective . I lost everything basically. My car that I was so proud of buying and paying off. My apartment. Money that I had worked for and saved. My family because they chose to punish me for my decisions they didn't agree with.

It took me so long since moving into our apartment in early July just to unpack because now I'm scared of having to move again after losing everything . Now every time I unpack something, I realize I left something else that had sentimental value behind because I was in such a frenzied state of panic and only grabbed what e could when we left. Every time he tells me to leave, my heart breaks a little, because he's all I have. Even when I threaten to leave, I never really want to...I just feel so overwhelmed that, in that moment, I just want to get away.

I love my boyfriend, and made the choice to leave everything to come with him, so we could start over together. He says a ot of our fights are because I refuse to communicate, and I agree- a lot of times I just go along with him or avoid the subject if I think i'll cause a fight. I told him he means everything to me and I'm the happiest when I'm in his arms, but I also know that your significant other can't be your sole support system. And so this is why I'm reaching out.