OMG it sounded like I was writing this post.

I do everything that you did. I was OK with us watching PORN together, but then I caught him watching when I was asleep and pleasuring himself. I hid his porn, I was so upset. I felt like he would rather pleaure himself than to have sex with me. He said he was horny and didnt want to wake me, because I had to go to work.

I feel like I am a vitim with all these thoughts going thru my head. I am constantly wondering what he is doing while I am at work. I will take a long lunch to see if he is at home. I have a set 9-5 job and his hours varies between days and nights. When he is OFF work, it is a crazy day for me. I wish I could quit my job and follow him around everywhere.

We have been together for 16 months and I was very jealous in the beginning. However I overcame it, and would let him go to the bars alone. Then I got extermly jealous again, for no real reason other than he wouldnt answer his cell when he is out.

I am neglating my kids because I am worried about him and his needs.

I hate this person I have become, I dont understand why I am relying on him to be happy. My ex of 18 years left me for another woman, so I dont trust ANY man.

I wish there was a magic pill or spell, to get these thoughts out of my head.

I wait for him to go to sleep, then I go thru his phone and wake him up to question something I had read. I will call all the numbers to see if they are male or female. I got a text app, and text the numbers that didnt answer and try to find out who they are and why my man has their number.

I just resently started counseling and its not helping fast enough.

My man isnt even a good man, he is an acholic, verbally abusive and I support him and do all the chores.

So why am I so afraid of losing something that its what I really what?

Ok so here is my two sense...

The porn used to bother me ALOT. Then I read a book called The 5 Languages of Love. It may sound silly, but men have a physical need to release. Honestly, it's true. Women have to have their head in the game and it's an emotional thing. Men actually FEEL physical pressure to release...once you beleive and remind yourself of this, you will be able to remind yourself that his jerking off has absolutely nothing to do with you. It isn't a pleasant thought that they do this, but they do it whether they are watching porn or not...they could be on the toilet for all they care. Porn just helps them get to the finish line faster. Nothing is better for them then being with their woman, porn is a last resort.

You aren't a victim. You are choosing the behavior. No one else is in your head but you. Only you can change these thoughts. I used to hate when I was at work and he was home too. But really, he is going to do whatever he wants whether you obsess over it or not, so do yourself a favor and stop wasting your energy on this. We only fool ourselves into believing we are controlling the behaviours. And we scare ourselves into believing that if we stop 'controlling' than everything will go to shit...it won't, because you really aren't doing anything right now. Do you get what I'm saying? The only thing you are doing is torturing yourself. That's it.

If he doesn't answer his cell when he's out, than he's busy. The music is loud, he's talking to a buddy. If he's doing something wrong than you can't stop it, and he isn't worth your time. You need to clearly understand that. You are worth more than this.

Neglecting your kids...I've been there, trust me. But now my daughter is almost in her teens and it scares the crap out of me to think that she will hate me when she gets older because of all the time and energy I put into my relationship rather than her. I do everything I can to spend time with her now...even if my mind is pre-occupied or I've had a bad day, because you will NEVER get that time back with them. Never. You have to do what's right as a mother...that is your top priority. And you will find that the more energy you put into your kids, the less you will put into obsessing.

If you hate the person you have become, than become a person you love. Pick a role model (even someone on tv) and every opportunity you get, ask yourself 'what would she do in this situation' and do it. Copy someone you look up to until it becomes second nature for you. Not trusting any man is only causing a disservice to yourself. Trust yourself, and live your life. Give people the benefit of the doubt and know within yourself that if they do cross you and break your trust, than you will move on a learn from it. You will be ok.

Going through phones, emails, internet history is the worst possible torture that you can do to yourself. There will always be something that can be taken out of context. There will always be something that will piss you off. And than what? Than you will be upset, you will argue, you won't sleep well, you'll stress about it the next day. He will talk/text/email whoever he wants and you can't stop it. You have to trust that he isn't doing anything to harm you or your relationship. And if you don't trust that, than there is a bigger issue.

My final thoughts - and these may be overstepping my boundaries. Look at your last sentence:

"My man isn't even a good man, he is an alcoholic, verbally abusive and I support him and do all the chores"

Is there anything that you can say is good about him? Do you love him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? If you are with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be (and we ALL deserve to be loved unconditionally - the good and the bad, we all deserve to be accepted completely) than you need to make a decision to take yourself and your children out of the situation, knowing that you will be happier alone (temporarily) than with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

You don't see it right now, but I hope you realize at some point - you have all of the power. This is your life, and you are not a bystander watching it pass by. You make choices everyday and they contribute to the life you are leading. Make a choice to change your situation. If you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself. You aren't a victim. Be strong, if not for yourself right away, than for your kids.

You can do this

Thank you for your post. I am and have gone through something similar. Unfortunately for me, my jealousy has ruined a good 20 year marriage. I am not going to give up hope quite yet, but I have been doing some of the things that you mentioned in your first post.

I have put some weight on (I REALLY needed to do that), have started eating better, started exercising, and have been seeing a psychiartrist to help me with my anxieties, insecurities, and my jealousy issues.

It may be too late for my marriage, but again, I am not going to give up hope until the last minute. I will keep doing the right thing first and foremost for me, and secondly for my children!

Thanks again for the post!!

As long as you're making the changes for yourself and not to save the marriage, you're good to go. If he loves you and is willing to give it another try, the changes you are making for yourself will make the reconciliation that much easier. If things don't work out, you will be more prepared in your new life to face any challenges you may go through. I'm very proud of you...keep up the good work :)

I am doing everything that you suggested with my wife. For the time being, we are separated and working through divorce proceedings. I would like to make things right, but not very confident that is going to happen. I will continue to take of MYSELF and the well being of my children.

I love reading your advise, as right now that is what I am doing, I am finding myself. My theripst is helping me. That what you said is what she is telling me, to stop consumming my time, thoughts and effort to control my husband... I added you, you can be an inspriation to me.......

My counselor asked me why I stayed in this relationship when it was causing me so much stress. I guess I hoping that he will change. I am madly in love with him and have became a housewife of the 50s. I cook and make his plate and deliver it to him at the computer. When he says jump, I say how high? The other night he came home at 1am and woke me up becuase I didnt cook dinner and have a plate in the microwave. Keep in mind there is plenty of convience food that he could of eaten. I didnt say a word and just got up and fixed his meal for him.

When he is drunk one minute he loves me and the next he doesnt. It a roll coaster of emotions. One time we were in the middle of making love and he just stopped and left the room. He said I wasnt doing it right. He tells me that I cant find another man as good as him. He says I am the reason I have been divorced 3 times.

I do love him, I think, or is it I dont want to see him with anyone else?

I try to buy his love and catter to all his needs. I get his work clothes ready and make sure he has everything that he needs.

He works at Kroger and he will call me and ask me to bring him something to eat. I get in my car and do it. I felt special at first thinking he wanted to spend his lunch time with me. But now I realize that he just didnt want to spend HIS money. I receive food stamps so he doesnt think he is taking away from me or my kids when I cook him his favorite meal.

I try to make sure he is happy. He asked me to cut all my hair off and I did. (Look at my old photos and look at the one I put on here today). He says he likes his woman to wear skirts, so I wear one everytime we go out. I have to have lip stick on and my nails done. I have to sit with my legs crossed and only speak when spoken to.

As you can see I am a mess, a real mess. I feel so confused.

Once he packed his stuff to leave me while I was at work. I tried to OD on my prescription meds and spent the night in the hospital. They let me leave and then called the cops to come to my home and get me.

I am sorry if I am rambling and not making sense. I wish I would of stayed on this website all this time. The people here helped me get thru my divorce and I am very thankful for that.

My friends tell me its exhausting to be my friend because they try to help me and I just ignore their advice.

But maybe there are total strangers here that can help me with this roll coaster of emotions I have.

Thanks for reading and please dont judge, just try to help me see something I may not see.

I'm not going to judge you because I know how easy it is to fall into the cycle. But you MUST MUST MUST believe me when I say that you need to get out of this relationship. He is not the father of your children, so there will be no ties. You can't live like this. You think you love him, but chances are you just don't want to be alone. Him telling you that you won't find anyone else, and you feeling like that is why you have had 3 divorces is bull. It has nothing to do with what kind of person you are - it has everything to do with the people you choose because of the way you feel about yourself. If you loved yourself and felt strong & confident, you wouldn't choose someone like this to be in your life. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm preaching, but you CAN find happiness and you WILL meet someone who truly loves you. Don't live your life like this - it's too short.

Everything you do for him that you think will make him appreciate you only teaches him that you are a doormat. In a functional relationship, people do everything for EACH OTHER out of love. This is not being done out of love. You are seeking acceptance and no matter what you do for him, you aren't getting it, so you do more, like cut your hair. You have to put your foot down and demand respect. I never encourage people to leave a relationship because I am a strong believer that things can be worked on...but in this case I'm sorry to say you will be better off on your own.

16 months isn't long enough to be putting up with half of this. He wakes you up to fix him a meal??? That makes me so angry...does he not have 2 hands of his own? Is he a child that needs parenting? I'm sorry hon, but you have to leave. If you want to be happy, you have to leave. No one should ever live like this.

I have to agree, you are not his slave, those days are over, it is called abuse! Leave you don't need that crap from him.

Hey LK! I had to check the date seeing your name and Avi, i thought someone had been bringing up old posts, but no! Its new!

So glad to hear you are doing much better!

I had counselling and i'm doing better myself!
I even took the child lock off the pc, lol!
Bless him he has a lot more freedom these days, but obviously the jealousy is still there and its a work in progress.
Take care and keep working at it ; )

Last night he went out with his friend around 630 and I woke up to a note at 1130 stating that he had taken my car. Keep in mind he has his own car, but mine is better. I called him and he said he was at the Whiskey River and that he would be home soon. (That could mean 15 mins or 5 hours) I called him 5 times and he wasnt answering his phone. I dont have keys to his car, so I was feeling trapped and pissed. So I had my friend drive me to the bar and I thought I saw my car, so she left. This car was the same make and model of mine. He wasnt at the bar and he called me and asked where I was and he got PISSED. He came and got me and yelled at me all the way home. Once at home he said I should never leave the house without telling him. That he is the BOSS and I should bow down to him.
Usually I would react but I just stayed quite. He said I am leaving and left. Normally I would chase after him. He called me and said he would be back tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff. Normally I would break down in tears and beg him to stay. I didnt react to anything.
He came back in around 2 and started packing. I didnt react; I just went and sat in my car. He came out to the car yelling at me. He said I see why youre divorced three times. Then he said do you WANT this relationship or not. Then he told me to take him and buy him something to eat since I didnt fix dinner. I said I will cook for you. I cooked his meal and delivered his plate to the office. We started talking about everyday stuff and he got pissed again. Just because I told my 70 year old mom the idea he had for an invention. He said you promised you wouldnt tell anyone and now I can never trust you again. I will never forgive you for this. He went into the office and blared his music while my kids are trying to sleep and I have to go to work. I tried to go to sleep but I couldnt. He came in the bedroom around five and said he was sorry and asked for sex. This fight lasted for 5 hours, over little shit. When he is drunk one minute he loves me the next he doesnt.

Why was he so upset I went to the bar, was I going to catch him doing something?

I have always went to the bar and checked up on him, to make sure he could make it safely home. I would follow him home.

I am tired of not getting the sleep I need, it is effecting my work and my children. I am crabby and I take it out on them.

Why am I so afraid of losing him? I have other options, but I only want him.

WHY?

Empathy - that's fantastic!! So happy to hear :)

Kimmers - if not for yourself then for your children, he needs to get out. I don't know what else I can say to you except that you are participating in an abusive relationship. If your kids go to school (not sure how old they are) and tell someone about these fights, they will be taken away from you. You don't want that to happen. He is being selfish, disrespectful and abusive. He needs to get out...honestly.

I looked up your old posts and you have truly come a long way!! Kudos.
Its very inspiring to see someone accomplish and grow out of these issues.
I am inspired and will continue to work on myself.

I promise you that I was a monster, and I promise you that it can be overcome. We are all a work in progress, ever changing & growing...keep up the progress and continue to move forward. Dismiss the days that you may take a step backwards. We're human, it happens :)