Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
I've been on this website on and off for a few years and I don't think I've ever started a post. I feel like I need to now though, because I have come a long way, and it saddens me to read the posts on here and understand completely how people feel.
I used to be the jealous girlfriend. Horribly jealous. I wouldn't allow him to watch porn, to look at girls, to communicate with his ex (who he has a daughter with) via text - I controlled everything that I could in the relationship and it became a full-time job. My thoughts at work were consumed with what he was doing at that very moment. Who he was looking at. If he was wishing I looked like her. It was literally insane the amount of time I put into my jealousy. Checking his phone constantly, emails, internet history. Not being able to go to bars or clubs with him for fear of better looking women being around. Not leaving him in the house alone because I was afraid he would watch porn.
It was awful
And than one day it dawned on me that the only person I can truly control is myself. I was wasting so much time and energy on trying to control him, and fooling myself into beleiving that I actually was controlling him. But I really wasn't at all. I wasn't living my life for me, it was all for him. Everything I did was based on his reaction/action/viewpoint. I wasn't having fun and going out because I was afraid. I wasn't enjoying my time with him because I was accusatory...always wondering what he was doing behind my back.
The moment I gave up control and began doing things in my life for me, and only me, our relationship changed. I stopped drinking (I would drink every night just to escape), I started walking & working out, I started enjoying life more. He is now putty at my feet. Literally. The strength I have in myself now, has translated into confidence and independence to him, and it's attractive. That's all your man/woman wants - a confident, happy partner.
At the end of the day, if your partner chooses to leave/cheat/lie, etc, you will be left standing alone. That's the bottom line. You have to be ok alone before you can be ok in a relationship. You have to know that being together isn't life or death. You absolutely must work on yourself and your confidence FIRST before anything will ever get better in your relationship. You must stop relying on your partner for your happiness. YOU are in control of your happiness, and your life. Please believe me...fake it till you feel it if you have to, but your life will change when you change. He will change. And you will be so much better because of it.
I can't stress to you enough how FREEING it feels to just live my life, not caring about where he is and what he is doing, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and is doing no wrong. And if by some awful chance he does do something wrong, well than it's his loss, because I'm a damn good catch. More importantly, my life will go on. He isn't my life.
I do have jealous thoughts every now and than, but the difference with these thoughts now is that they pass right on through. They don't linger. I don't obsess. It is what it is and I can't control what others will or won't do. That's it. I have made a promise to be happy and enjoy each day - life is so short, don't waste any more time being like this. Free your mind from the jail cell that you have trapped it in.
I promise you that I created a life of hell for myself for years, and I dug my way out of it. My old posts are proof...check them out. You can do it too.
I hope this post helps someone. I'm here if anyone needs to talk.
I used to be the jealous girlfriend. Horribly jealous. I wouldn't allow him to watch porn, to look at girls, to communicate with his ex (who he has a daughter with) via text - I controlled everything that I could in the relationship and it became a full-time job. My thoughts at work were consumed with what he was doing at that very moment. Who he was looking at. If he was wishing I looked like her. It was literally insane the amount of time I put into my jealousy. Checking his phone constantly, emails, internet history. Not being able to go to bars or clubs with him for fear of better looking women being around. Not leaving him in the house alone because I was afraid he would watch porn.
It was awful
And than one day it dawned on me that the only person I can truly control is myself. I was wasting so much time and energy on trying to control him, and fooling myself into beleiving that I actually was controlling him. But I really wasn't at all. I wasn't living my life for me, it was all for him. Everything I did was based on his reaction/action/viewpoint. I wasn't having fun and going out because I was afraid. I wasn't enjoying my time with him because I was accusatory...always wondering what he was doing behind my back.
The moment I gave up control and began doing things in my life for me, and only me, our relationship changed. I stopped drinking (I would drink every night just to escape), I started walking & working out, I started enjoying life more. He is now putty at my feet. Literally. The strength I have in myself now, has translated into confidence and independence to him, and it's attractive. That's all your man/woman wants - a confident, happy partner.
At the end of the day, if your partner chooses to leave/cheat/lie, etc, you will be left standing alone. That's the bottom line. You have to be ok alone before you can be ok in a relationship. You have to know that being together isn't life or death. You absolutely must work on yourself and your confidence FIRST before anything will ever get better in your relationship. You must stop relying on your partner for your happiness. YOU are in control of your happiness, and your life. Please believe me...fake it till you feel it if you have to, but your life will change when you change. He will change. And you will be so much better because of it.
I can't stress to you enough how FREEING it feels to just live my life, not caring about where he is and what he is doing, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and is doing no wrong. And if by some awful chance he does do something wrong, well than it's his loss, because I'm a damn good catch. More importantly, my life will go on. He isn't my life.
I do have jealous thoughts every now and than, but the difference with these thoughts now is that they pass right on through. They don't linger. I don't obsess. It is what it is and I can't control what others will or won't do. That's it. I have made a promise to be happy and enjoy each day - life is so short, don't waste any more time being like this. Free your mind from the jail cell that you have trapped it in.
I promise you that I created a life of hell for myself for years, and I dug my way out of it. My old posts are proof...check them out. You can do it too.
I hope this post helps someone. I'm here if anyone needs to talk.
I have a boyfriend that has some serious jealousy issues and I wish that he would read this post. Even though it is partly my fault because I have given him several reasons to not trust me and to be constantly worrying about where i am 24/7, i think a big part of his jealousy is coming from himself and his inability to be confident with who he is.
He has always been kind of self conscious about his body and his personality so I can obviously see that as well.
Thank you again for sharing your story! You have helped me to understand why he might be acting the way that he does. I definitely will try to be more compassionate the next time he asks me where i am and what i'm doing haha!
I was a jealous gf too (not too bad...I held a lot of it in), but I got to the point of even being jealous of his female coworkers, wondering if he enjoyed seeing them at work every day more than me. It was stupid. I'd get jealous of any pretty girl, wondering if he wishes I looked more like her or whatever. I always kept up my appearance but I'm not very outgoing so I always felt like I wasn't good enough because I wasn't like the typical "hot" college girl. I thought it would end after college but I still felt not good enough when he got his new job and was surrounded by pretty girls.
I only kind of cared about the porn until eventually I found out he searches for girls that look like me. And we watched it together occasionally. But like someone else said, it really is just a physical release. All along he had been telling me how sexy and great he thought I was but I never believed him because I didn't love myself. I still wonder if I had been confident the whole time, would things have worked out?
The best advice I once read it this: Just short of locking him in a cage, there's NOTHING you can do to control him.
I still slightly struggle with the jealousy now since my recent ex and I aren't officially together but I'm just going to trust that he doesn't want to do anything to screw things up with me. Plus If I keep up the jealousy now, I'll have to be jealous for a lifetime without him.
It's like.. I found most of the answer to my insecurity issue.
But some questions still linger inside me... If we know or suspect that he texting a woman too often, should we question him? or let him be?
So my question to you is, how did you retrain your thoughts, thats where I am having a huge issue with. I do not know how to just let the thoughts go.
I have really improved on checking his phone and what not. As to like you said, you can always take something out of context. Kinda like if your looking for a flaw, your generally going to find it. So I have really refrained from checking his phone. But doesnt mean Im not over thinking who texted him when his phone went off. Shame on me I know.
the porn , is an issue for me also. maybe i need to check out that book. My issue with it is , is i guess I compare myself to those girls. But Im also working on letting it go. And I guess why my self esteem in the relationship is down is because hes not a very lovey dovey type. I crave the compliments, not all the time but its nice to hear he likes how I look, Or to get a random sweet text of him just expressing how much he cares. doesn't have to be a book. I've mentioned I would like to get this kind of treatment, & yet I get nothing. Maybe because I give him jealously , he fleas from his emotions. No idea. But i do know that those compliments and little things, would really help me feel more comfortable and important to him. No idea, Im a mess, clearly,. lol .
I want to make my relationship better, and with my jealous ways my relationship is taking huge blows.
So any helpful tips that you did when you where first starting to make a change in your thoughts and behaviors would be so appreciated.
Thanks.
Candice.
All that you say to do makes so much sense, yet it is so darn hard to do!
What is that initial thing that made you snap out of it? Or was it just time
If you can't leave him for yourself, please think of your children, what you're subjecting them to, and the kind of example you are setting for them. The fact that you've been divorced three times only says that you've made bad choices when it comes to men. You are a good person, but like many good people, you keep repeating these poor choices because you haven't changed how you think of yourself. Men like your husband wouldn't stand a chance with a balanced person, and they seek out those with low self-esteem who will bow to their every wish.
You are a good person, repeat this, and you have a responsibility to yourself and your children. Allowing a functioning alcoholic with abusive tendencies to ruin your life is a sin, and it saddens me deeply to hear of your story.
Regarding the jealousy issue of this post, I think it's much easier to do all the things the poster mentions providing there aren't any issues like infidelity, alcoholism, and a partner who does things that are unhealthy to a relationship, like going out alone and returning home late at night, no questions asked. When there is, doing all of these things can be nearly impossible, when one's security, happiness, and fidelity is at risk. I would not be jealous if I caught my husband looking at porn, but I would be if I found a motel receipt, or an email account with Ashley Madison.
The ability to fake it until you make it, is not always a viable one, especially under these conditions. In order to have success with removing jealous thoughts from the mind, the environment must be conducive to healing, which I believe is required in order to have success. Being a jealous type person is a natural state of mind when you're in a relationship that has suffered from issues of infidelity, and uncertainty, and I think the only cure is to remove oneself from such an environment because no amount of faking it is going to make the situation go away.
I wish everyone well.