Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello all. I recently found out that my wife had an affair. It is kind of devistating. Here is my story....I recently moved to Atlanta. i left with the thought that I would come down here, set up house and wait for my family to come on down. I am a foster parent and my wife stayed behind to wait out the adoption. three days before I closed on the house I bought for my family, she flew down here and had sex with someone in Atlanta while i was at work. She even came to my job for lunch IMMEDIATELY after she had sex. I found out that she had been sexting him for a while. I also found out that she has been sexting a couple of people for a while. She has a self esteem issue and used the compliments she got from the sexting to boost it. I have decided that I am going to stay with her. Yes, she has lied so much to me since then that I may never trust her again. Yes, she has done the "trickle truth" where i find out something on Monday, spend Tuesday getting over it just to find something else out on Wednesday that she denied on Monday. And yes, there is a HUGE part of me that thinks I am the biggest idiot in the world for staying with her. We have read one of the books that helps with infidelity and read it together. She is putting forth some serious effort to make it right. No, I am still not getting flowers and gifts and yes I am bummed out about it.....LOL. The last chapter of the book dealt with the betrayed and told us to reflect on what we contributed to the cheating situation. I have done that and accepted that as well.
So, after reading all of this you might be thinking "why is he here? he seems to be fine and everything is working out." Well that is just not true. I am still having mega issues. I am having panic attacks and still my mind keeps racing. I have still don't believe her and I am still not letting her out of my sight. I am still going to have to deal with this when she finally comes here to Atlanta. I am still having trouble sleeping. I have stopped the visions of the actual sex act but I am having issues with the other sexting with the other guys. Yes, I have cussed her out, cried, gone from wanting a divorce to wanting to stay to wanting to time away to needing her right by my side. I am different in that I never stopped having or craving sex with her.
So, I am here looking for support. I chose to stay and I am going to struggle with that decision. So, any advice anyone can give is highly appreciated.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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Just really wanting to know *your* answer.
"Not letting her out of your sight" is unrealistic and how is that supposed to work, exactly?
Her having "low self esteem" is not any kind of reason/excuse for her to cheat.
Did you find out, or did she tell you first? What is she saying about all of this now? How do you know there was only one guy? You said she sexted a couple of people. Has she stopped doing that?
Also, please get both of you tested for STDs.
I choose because I love her. If you love someone, although hard, you love that person and you have to shift your focus to you hate what they did but you don't hate them. I had to put that in my mind
the not letting her out of my sight is not going to work. yes very unrealistic....which is why i reached out in the first place.
not looking for excuses for her cheating. she did it cause she is selfish and it is all about her. however, as my counselor has stated, if you want to get on the road to forgiveness AND trust is to find some plausibility in what they are saying. No matter how small or fantastic it might be or sound, if you don't find some plausibility you will NEVER believe ANYTHING they say and the trust will NEVER be built back up. The self esteem thing is plausible for the sexting. If you have body issues getting compliments about your body helps the self esteem. No I didn't and never will say it is an excuse. I said it is a plausible explanation for the why.
as far as the only one guy thing....i don't know. however, at this point does it matter? Let's say she sexted and had sex with 800 other people. Does it matter? She did it and I found out. I am now dealing with it. As my counselor has said, it happened and you can't change it. all that matters now is what you all do from this point on.
has she stopped doing it? as far as i know yes she has. has she blocked all communication with them? as far as I know yes she has. and yes, i have checked.
how is she acting and what is she saying now? She is saying all the right things as expected. but i don't care about what she says. i only care about what she does. as of today, she is doing all the right things. she gave up all her passwords. she goes through her facebook feed with me and shows me. if anything inappropriate comes up or is said by someone she tells me. she continues to act like she is a liar and cheater and doesn't go anywhere i don't feel is good for me and she at least asks. and if i say no she doesn't go. she checks in all the time and even leaves her phone on all night while she sleeps just to ease my mind so i can sleep. so yes, she is doing. I have no idea if what she is doing is good or bad or if it is helping or hurting. I have no idea. she even has looked for jobs here in Atlanta in very close proximity to my job so we can drive to work together so i can drop her off and know where she is. she is helping me all the way to get over it and she IS doing her part.
so why am i writing? cause it STILL hurts. I am STILL having issues. She is doing probably more than any other spouse on this site has done or was willing to do. AND IT STILL HURTS!!!!!
You both need to get into individual counseling.
Your wife needs to be totally transparent with you. And you need
to set the rules with her and she needs to understand that there
will be consequences for her actions. Period.
You are feeling out of control right now. Setting boundaries will help you.
She needs to focus on you and helping you heal.
If you learn she is still cheating, then it's time for you to move on.
Storm Petrel is right. You two need separate counseling, she needs to be completely transparent.... for a long time, too. Your hurt and angry emotions and suspicions will go on for a long time to come. Once the trust has been broken, it is difficult to build it back. Not impossible, but a lot, a lot, of constant, every day, work.
You say you love her.... but, does she love you? The same as she once did? Or is she sorry now because she was caught. Things you need to think about.
You say she has self esteem about her body issues, but compliments from you should have been enough. Other men will tell her anything she wants to hear, just to get sex from her.
does she love me? She says she does and she seems to be following my rules. so that is all i can say to that question. a liar is a liar. she can say whatever to get the desired outcome she wants.
yes i will
I hate the fact that I am hurting and i hate what it is doing to me. I don't like checking on her all the time. i don't like questioning everything. And i definitely hate limiting her movement. Now we are in different locations right now. my limiting her movements is all about me telling her no she can't go and her abiding by my wishes. I totally hate doing that.
I do feel out of control. That is it.
also, in all honesty i feel stupid for even allowing this relationship to continue. I feel stupid that I still love her. I feel like I should leave and be done with it.
is important for your wife. She has lost her way. And if you both live by
these rules you set, it will help make you both feel safe.
As the trust is rebuilt, things will evolve. But it is what you both need
right now.
Of course you don't like checking up on her. No one does. No one wants to be the marriage police. But what happens so very frequently is cheaters will go back to cheating once they think the coast is clear. It is what they do.
If she does, then you will know and can make a decision based on the facts and not the lies.
My husband never gives me a complement. I have never cheated. So blame yourself if you want. I think she cheated because she wanted to and made up the reasons later once she got caught. We as the betrayed spouses are so needy, so in pain, that we will do anything to get back to normal.
She decided to cheat. You hurt. That is how it works. It is not fair. But
this is what happens. She needs to be helping you feel safe with her.
Circle a random date in the future on your calendar. When you reach that date, take stock of where you are in your marriage. In the meantime, go with the flow, stop feeling stupid because you love her. Stop worrying about leaving or not, Live your life. You will drive yourself crazy if you keep
going over this again and again.
How did she meet someone from Atlanta if you didn’t live there yet?
We know why you are here.. we all are here for the same reason. We need support. These are difficult decisions.
Is the adoption finalized?
This is a really bad time to expand your family. I am sure you are attached to these children. But what if she does this again. As you know children are a huge distraction in a marriage. It is common for men to cheat during pregnancy and right after childbirth. But her to have an affair during the adoption process seems strange. Can she have children? If not this may be her way of proving to herself she is a “real woman”. It is wrong none-the-less.
This is still very new. There is no just going back to behaving like nothing happened. You will never trust her 100% again.
Abusing her is not acceptable... cursing, yelling, hitting, throwing things at her is not acceptable. This is not a good example for your children either.
If you want her to leave that is the fastest way to get her to leave and take the children you just adopted.
How many men has she been chatting with?
Have you pulled phone records?
If you want to read her texts ect.. try teensafe.com I have used it. If she has nothing more to hide she won’t mind you checking in on her from time to time. You can read deleted emails, Snapchat, kik, WhatsApp... she will know you are looking. She could also just buy a burner phone. If she has an iPhone you can see the places she frequents most.
If you don’t know how I have the directions in my journal here.
This is the worst club I have ever been a part of and the same time the best. The people here are supportive and if you want to stay with your CS they will support you. If you leave they will support you too. If you describe activities that seem suspicious they will point them out too.
If she never develops the capacity to achieve marital faithful love (as many do not have) then it would be time to end the marriage.
Essentially the marriage was over when she cheated. There is no longer trust and respect, or faithfulness in the marriage.
You are embarking on a new relationship now. Like any relationship it takes time to figure out if it is wise to continue with her in the long term. You may "love" her to some degree, but that doesn't necessarily mean it makes sense to be in a committed romantic relationship with her if she isn't capable of sustaining one.
As others have said, she needs her own counseling to sort out her deficits and issues. If she doesn't change be certain that her character flaws and self esteem issues will lead to self destruction again in the form of cheating or something else. This will cause this new relationship to fail as the last one has.
I also agree that I would put a hold on any adoption as you would be brining a child into an unstable home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you should step back and work on you first. On your pain and learning to be happy with your decision to stay because love can fade away. I wish you all the best.
If you love her is the best.
Now counseling and this kind of stuff are big time bullshit.
Is just wasting money and giving to someone who just advise some shit you can find your self.
Everything is depend from both of you.
If you start working with each other you will see difference .
If you see she still is doing the same then you should divorce her or open marriage depends on what you both want and decide.
Good luck my friend.
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I did also start texting innocently enough simply answering a simple chat hello. Before I did, I mentioned to him that a younger Englishman wanted to chat. (Hoping he would be jealous or say he'd rather I didn't. He just laughed. I took that to mean he could care less and couldn't believe anyone would be interested in anything I had to say. )
We did chat every day for well over a year. I would find someone to share with and listen. I would find compassion, understanding support, and someone to accept me just as I am ...good , bad, and naughty. All that I should have been getting from my husband, I was getting from a stranger a zillion miles away. I am ashamed to say, I did also reach the point where we talked about what we were missing , liked , wanted as far as sex... fantasies... a few naughty pix. For me, it was a definite boost to my self esteem to learn that someone did think I was still attractive, smart, caring, sexy and still desirable) Being discounted and ignored for so long, I sometimes feel as desirable as a garden slug. Just felt i should explain how my thinking was.
Is not always good, but sometimes if we have a hard time (because of issues in our pasts) with our self esteem , we do need to hear from our SOs that we are special, still wanted and loved. The fact that you are now realizing she needs to hear that sometimes means alot.
That being said, I since have chatted with alot of people (men and women). Is incredibly hard to get over being cheated and the anxiety and trust issues (needing to be relearned) There are others like you who do truly love their spouses and chose to try like hell to stick it out through the good and the bad. You should be commended for wanting to do that and loving her that much.. She is lucky to have you and I hope she gets her act together and realizes just what she has.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope it all works out for the best (for all of you)
PS Since I have started the divorce, stbx tells me often how much he does still love me (but his actions do not prove the same. ) I have learned words mean nothing if not truly felt from the heart. I hope you don't discover the same thing.
Hugs