thank you for the reach out. it seems that you and my wife are very similar. in fact, you pretty much have the same exact story. I am hoping that the difference between you two is the husband you all chose. I have understood her reason and also understand that I played a role in the environment that allowed it to happen. knowing that, i have already adjusted my actions and have been giving and will continue to give her all the things i denied her....the talking, the sexy talk, the building her self esteem, etc. I stopped doing all of that because she stopped being jovial and basically just spent her entire time bitching and complaining about everything. she has committed to not doing that, i have committed to giving her the love language she needs and quite frankly deserves. she has helped me the whole way. and yes, i believe her when she says she never wanted to leave and will do whatever it takes to keep the marriage. she is doing that. also, as the cheated on spouse, i have access to her accounts and yes, i have looked, checked and been "that guy". i have read several texts/messages that confirm her desire to stay married and her never wanting to leave me. and i found the most important message....the one where she VOLUNTEERED the thought that the sex she had wasn't worth it. Yes....I am shallow like that.... :) So, I am stuck with the constant thoughts in my head. I have been "controlling" the thoughts and they are getting better and not as damaging. What I am not able to do at this point is trust her fully. Again, giving props to my wife, she understands that and is actually working with me on that. she stays on the phone with me all the time, has agreed to not go certain places and basically I am going to go with her everywhere she goes for a while...you know....when she goes out with the girls, there will be one boy in the group. Yes, that sucks, but it is what it is and she is working with it. so, on the surface, it does look like we will make it and be stronger for it. but that still doesn't stop the hurt, still doesn't end the thoughts.

so is anyone on this been through the same, stayed with their CS and it worked out?

I feel your pain- its a horrible feeling. Its so sad when you trust someone. I also found out my husband has been having an affair with someone in addition to having multiple woman give him blow jobs. no matter how its done its done. I am adding you to my prayers.

I'm still with my wife 2 years after she confessed.

There are a lot of nuances and factors that make it more desirable or less desirable to stay with your CS. As well there are a lot of different factors in the scenario that will gives it a better or worse change of working out in the long term.

As similar as any situation is the outcome is not guaranteed or even predictable.

It's best to just continue forward your own recovery and continuously assess and reassess the viability of continuing the relationship without jumping to any ultimatums of staying/leaving until there is enough evidence to support either stance.

forardmotion......thank you for the response. If i could, i would like to ask you some questions. first, i have chosen to stay or at least chosen to work on it. she has done the same. she has chosen to work on it. she is doing all the things that the books say she needs to do....be accountable, go by what i say, and be supportive. and yes, we are BOTH doing our part. i guess i want to ask you....how did your wife act after she confessed? Did she do what was needed to be done? and how did you react to it? I have to say, my wife is doing the right things and it feels weird. i want to hate her, and stay mad at her but it is hard to do that when she is doing the right thing. that is why i am having confusion i guess.

Just to let you know these are my circumstances and my thought process as you may have a different one.

She ended a 1.5 year affair and confessed about 3-4 months after it ended. She pleaded with me to stay and sought out personal and couples counseling without me having to force her. She freely gave me access to all her accounts, stopped using facebook, and no longer had any type of personal relationship with any males. She took full onus for her actions and took these steps on her own to change.

All of these actions were good, but the main thing is that she pursued these without any pleading or nagging. This is important because some CSes who really aren't bent on reform/change will do these things to placate the BS into staying.

From my perspective I was willing to give her a chance. Two factors really stood out for me. One was that I had a 6 month old son with her and if she is willing to do everything to change and make reparations then I will do it for his sake. Second she ended it and confessed, which gives a better impression of her own motivation to make things right rather than being caught and just playing along.

She had no guarantees that I wouldn't just dump her on the spot after confessing. On her part she took a big risk in confessing and started a seed of trust at least.

You don't have to make the permanent choice to stay and make it clear to her that this is your stance. A chance is just a chance for her to grow and for you to re-evaluate. I would caution bringing a child into the mess as there is no certainty this new relationship will last or end.

forwardmotion....thanks for that. i have a similar situation/circumstance as you. like you, she gave me access to all her accounts on her own. i didn't ask her for that. she also cut off all access. yes i did request her to block/cut off access. she didn't complain about it so that isn't too bad. she has told me that i hold all the keys to the kingdom...whatever i say at this point she will do. she checks in all the time, put a gps tracker app on her phone so i know where she is at all times, and, she even interviewed at the same company i work at in Atlanta (and did very well mind you) and is limiting her interviewing to companies around me so that we can drive to work together....yes, so i can keep an eye on her. so, that is something.

unlike you all, she got caught/found out. she did lie and resist at first. it wasn't until she knew i was serious about the pain i was feeling (she saw me cry) that she finally started to change. so yes, there is the cloud of her saying and doing just to placate me. However, it is the change in her that has me hopeful. in addition, when i got access to her facebook and other social media, i found things that she wrote to other people that supported her claim that she wanted to stay married and be married to me. I found all these posts and texts to OTHER people that confirmed it. to me, reading those "claims" that she kept telling me after she got caught that she told others helped me to at least (as my therapist said) find plausibility in all that she said. that has helped me cause yes....she lied a lot.

like you, from my perspective, i am willing to give her a chance due to our children. as of today, she is doing all the right things. and like you, she knows that that is all she has....a chance. she understands (or at least says she understands) that i have given her ALL of the forgiveness i have. there will be no understanding/forgiving if she does anything close to what she did this time. there will also be no hesitation and no discussion. there will only be divorce papers and alimony payments for her. so, like you, i am moving forward with my blinders off.

I also have assessed my role in atmosphere that allowed the cheating to take place. no, it wasn't my fault. i take no blame at all. but my actions did contribute to the atmosphere in the relationship that was the foundation. since the commitment to give her a chance, i have been working on me and fixing my contribution to the relationship problems. she understands her part and is committed in fixing her part.

and it is a struggle. but it is getting easier. i am aware that there is a really big chance that she is just doing and saying to placate. but all i can do is press forward and assess as i go.

what i am hopeful for is that you have gone through similar things and you have at least stayed together. i will assume you two have worked on your relationship and are probably stronger because of it. at least that is my hope.

forwardmotion....question......when you wife made the effort to make amends if you will.....did it feel weird to you? did it seem genuine to you? did it seem authentic?

I ask cause this really feels weird to me. not weird in a sense that she is playing me for a sucker. weird in a different way. the book we read together about surviving infidelity stated that the betrayer should be the one to heal the betrayed. my wife has committed to being there for me every step of the way.....when i am home and i have a moment, she holds my hand and always says "we will get through this. I will be there for you every step of the way". to me, that is the weird part. she hurt me, she did it, but she is helping me get through it. just weird to me.....does that make sense?

bw52: I've been where you are. My wife had a whirlwind affair with her boss. I caught her. We separated for a few years - but remained close, because of our children. We managed to reconcile, and we've been back together for almost 3 years. So, I am here to tell you: It can be done.

Our relationship is better now than it was before the affair. (No thanks to her affair partner, mind you.) No. Rather, we've both grown a lot, and learned a lot about ourselves and each other. In an odd way, it has been empowering to survive the worst possible thing that could ever happen, and to get through it together.

Personally, I do not entirely agree with your book that opines on things you did that "contributed" to her cheating. That sounds like a set-up for blame-shifting. But I will say, nobody was more surprised than me when I recognized that, indeed, I had plenty of room for improvement! There are any number of things I say and do differently now.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is this: You need to define what it means to "forgive." Start with a simple Google search.

I'm happy to chat more. Just PM me.

That's a hard question to answer because it depends on your own perception of her actions (affected by your own emotional state and time that has passed) as well as if her actions and words match and to what degree is she progressing in her change.

It also depends on if this is of your own suggesting or hers, as well as the level of compliance.

Only time will tell so don't worry so much about the day to day because the longer time goes on the more clues you will have on if it is authentic or not. Just try to pay attention and think through things as well as keep your own thoughts in check and see if they are clouded by your own emotions and trauma. This is especially hard early on.

To your "weird" questions. Yes, it is very strange. You marry someone who is supposed to be the one person in the world to keep your safe and watch your back, love you. Instead they stab you in the back in the worst possible way. The trust evaporates into nothing......then you put them in charge of helping you heal from the backstabbing wound they created? Reconciliation after this level of betrayal almost seems impossible and for most people this is true.

If you put your trust into a baby sitter and allowed them to take care of your precious child....and they abused your kid. What are the chances you would ever forgive them, never mention allowing them to be around your kid alone again? Seems stupid right...

You would need a really good reason. Like I said before, I have young kid who deserves a functional family and her confession and work so far gives me just enough juice to try.

Obviously trust will never be the same and I will not be able to love her in the same light, but life ideals are rarely met to any degree. The next girl might not be any better.

You can roll the dice on the 40-50% chance you find a decent mate next time or settle for the very flawed person who may become decent.

p.s. That being said, if the CS really doesn't have any current redeemable character traits or at least is showing progression towards that...it likely isn't worth it regardless of kids/finances/looks etc.

“also, in all honesty i feel stupid for even allowing this relationship to continue. I feel stupid that I still love her. I feel like I should leave and be done with it.” These words could not be more real to those who have been and are in your shoes. Just
know it’s natural to feel these things. It takes at least two years to recover and even then.... the extent of recovery I assume varies. I still struggle every single day with thoughts. They just don’t go away. I am told they will go away with time.... ugh everything is always with time. Good luck.

On counseling I disagree with OIP78. A therapist or counselor can help the two of you navigate something neither of you are experts in doing: healing a torn marriage. That said, you'll only get out of it what you put into it. Just going through the motions without doing the work will prove to be wasted time (my ex proved this to me-her going was just a way to prolong more lies). I congratulate you for wanting to try to make the marriage work. From what I hear to be effective both of you (especially her) will need to be extremely transparent-terribly uncomfortable and hard work for both of you. If you both really want it, it can be done but she needs to want this to work as much as you-you can't fix this on your own. I applaud you and anyone else who chooses to take on such a huge task. All the best.

Forwardmotion.....OMG!!!! What you said is like right on point. You get married, put all your trust in them, they stab you in the back like no other stabbing and BAM.....they are the one that has to help you heal. Yes absolutely sounds stupid. but as the days go by, as stupid as it sounds, it is right on point. She is in control of my healing and I have to admit she is doing a really good job of it. As much as that pains me to say, she really is. She is making sure I am ok all the time, checking in, and because we are in two different places right now, she is always on the phone with me. And yes, if she had put in this much attention all along NONE of this would have happened. the atmosphere that contributed to what she did wouldn't have happened either. And thanks for at least letting me know that the weird feeling I am getting is "normal". That really has helped me a lot. thanks

Feelingbroken17....thanks for responding. Again, it really feels good to hear that my feelings are not stupid and I am not alone in feeling them. I have been struggling with a lot of emotions since i found out. I mean there seems to be a new emotion i have to deal with every 5 minutes. And being a male born and raised in a generation where men don't show emotion....it has been rough on me. but the feelings of stupidity and "weirdness" i have been having in 1) still loving her/wanting to be with her and 2) allowing her to be the one that heals me has been the hardest for me i think. Having to trust someone THAT BROKE YOUR TRUST to help heal you when you need healing is totally the most vulnerable thing I think i have ever been through.

Hopefully your wife is able to change to a significant degree and is able to look back on her past perspective on life and herself and feel bewildered about how her mind was and what her decisions were.

It is interesting how from my outside view of my wife's past life before her affair, she had a life and comfort that most are not afforded yes was so unsatisfied. In the past she had complaints about everything in her life.

At this point she has lost a lot in terms of comforts, freedom, and respect from other people, as well as some close friends. Yet, she says that she is more content with her life and more grateful than she has ever been.

I have a hard time believing it at times as her life is certainly more difficult than it has ever been, but perhaps this is the perspective change that comes with a hard fall and receiving underserved grace from a lot of people and the harder potential consequences.