So, I went back and read through that thread and I know that my little experiment was out of line at best. Hell, I referred the poster to a group that was clearly not what she needed. All of this came at a time when half of the posst in CA were BS looking for answers, wanting to know what could possibly be going on in the heads of their cheating spouses. It seemed like it was safer for them to ask us than to rock their own boats by asking their own cheating spouses. I was frustrated because when we, as CS, would talk honestly about our thought processes the BS would be hurt and angry. I tried without success to get across a simple point, that if the responses of BS acted to stifle the open expressions of CS that eventually there would be no one for the BS to ask questions of. It's still a valid point. You can't learn from us if we're too afraid to speak.

I've been told that it's important to include the whole context when quoting a statement.

luv
Whats up with you always attacking NP? I'm a BS too. I went my ups and downs with her and came out respecting her and her opinions.
I'd like to think we came out friends in the end.
I learned from her as I have from others in the CA room. I know if I had a question she would try her best to answer it.

Its like your on a personal mission to attack her at all times.
Dang girl,give it a rest

Oh please . . . for once can you just take responsibility for being unkind. As usual you are trying to blame someone else by trying to say that you didn't write something and instead just copied and pasted what someone else said. As if anyone who read it would know it didn't come from you when its under your ID and picture and says nothing to indicate that it was a copied quote from someone else. Give it a rest already. What was written is listed under noseyparker, with your picture. All it says is:

Reply #2 04/03/10 11:06am
Photo of noseyparker noseyparker
this is for cheaters to come and get help and advise...you need to post this in rebuilding a marriage after an affiar group...not this one..
-
and then in a reply right underneath the one above you give the link to the group you are trying to send this poor woman off to, who has just come to CA for help and answers:

Reply #3 04/03/10 11:38am
Photo of noseyparker noseyparker
http://www.dailystrength.org/group...

Its on page 12 of the Cheaters Anonymous board in response to a topic entitled:

Looking for advice and insight from someone who had A, please help me

and it was written by a woman whose ID is hurtingsobad498. You effectively chased her away. You can try to justify things by saying it was other people's words and you just copied them, or that you were conducting an experiment, or whatever, but the truth of the matter is none of that was mentioned at the time. The BSs on there felt it was an attempt by you to control the group and keep new BSs away. You were being unkind and showing no compassion to the poor woman who came there for help, and it wasn't the first or the last time.

If you want to show you have truly changed why don't you start by taking responsibility for the things you have done instead of trying to make excuses and pin things on other people.

"You really need to find a hobby, luv. I like basketweaving."

And if you want to show people you have changed, and are a better person, stop making snide, unkind, condescending comments like this when someone calls you out on your mean, bullshit. I actually have lots of hobbies and responsibilities. I have a demanding job that involves helping people in need. I also have a family and I do volunteer work all the time. I don't brag about how intellectual, or hot, or superior to other people I am (like you have). I just use my skills to help people who need my help and try to make the world a better place.

PS - Sorry shewolf, I just couldn't let this one go, but now I will. I think its time to hit the ignore button on this one. I have really had ENOUGH of this woman's bullshit.

"for once can you just take responsibility for being unkind" I already did, in post #32 of this thread, I said I was out of line at best. "you are trying to blame someone else" Nope. I took ownership of it, admitted quite clearly that I posted the copy/paste. I even posted links to show what I had done, and where I got it from. It's only as damning as you want it to be if it's taken out of context, so I gave the context. Anyone here can easily see what I did just by clicking on the link I provided. No worries, nothing hidden here. It was no different than what the poster I copy/pasted from did, but no one started a shit storm with her, and you're not making PSA's about her seven months later.

"You can try to justify things by saying.....that you were conducting an experiment...but the truth of the matter is none of that was mentioned at the time." Yes, it was, in reply #14 of the thread to which you and I have referred.

"The BSs on there felt it was an attempt by you to control the group and keep new BSs away." And I felt they were ignoring a valid point which, if accepted would have been of benefit to everyone there--that if CS are pushed into silence there would be no one for BS to ask questions of.

Yes I was unkind to a newcomer, but it was only perceived as a capital crime because it was me. Another poster could use the same words in addressing a newcomer and be forgiven for having a bad day, but not me. This is clearly personal.

"You really need to find a hobby, luv. I like basketweaving." I don't know what you find "snide" or "condescending" about this. If you have time for this debate it seems to me you have too much time on your hands. I know I do; I've been laid up in bed for two days now. Would you like to see pictures of the baskets I've been weaving? It's challenging but they will make beautiful Christmas presents and the process is very calming.

"I don't brag about how intellectual....or superior to other people I am (like you have)." This is flat out bullshit, I never bragged about any such thing. If that's what you heard you need to check and make sure it wasn't your low self esteem talking. But I am hot ;) Ask my husband.

"I just use my skills to help people who need my help and try to make the world a better place." Me too! We finally have something in common.

Well at least we don't have to worry about getting kicked out of this room OR do we?? It's nice not to have to hear that someone needs to be kicked out every other post because they've offended somebody or they don't have a right to be in the room. None of that in here!!!

this is sickening. this post was for those of us who love and missed nozy(pink). if u dont miss her then just dont post. cheezy crackers man(sorry dont wanna offend the bible thumpers with what i really wanna say). get on wit ur own shit and leave nozy alone. we all fuck up sometimes, but that doesnt mean we should persecute one another.

GIVE IT A REST LUV. just dont like her and leave her alone!

Notsure - it would be nice if the thread ended. Yep.

But you have no idea the amount of strife that has been caused by nosey in all her incarnations on this board and CA. If you did you might understand why luv feels so strongly. I feel the same way, I have just not bothered to pipe up.

But your defense of someone who has treated BS's so poorly for so long based solely on her changed behavior of a couple weeks is appalling


So, rather than be "holier than thou", how about you practice what you preach and just ignore luv? While you are at it, ignore me too.

This is so bitchy and petty. NP, just ignore them.

I would also add that running little experiments in a support group where people who are hurting come for advice and help is pretty mean too and indicative of someone who thinks that people are there for their entertainment and amusement, and to be trifled with.

Oh, and thanks Lebe. I wonder where you were all the times NP was being bitchy and petty to me and other BSs?

Listen, when I first arrived on CA I had a million people abuse and insult me. I was told I was a narcissist and insulted nearly every time I merely stated my opinion. Some of these people openly came onto CA to tell people off (me), yet i know you are ok with these people and friends with them. i just feel you are calling out NP for unfair reasons considering you seem to only have a problem with her and none of the other people who are also guilty of doing all the things you describe. Hell, I'm guilty of doing the things you describe!

Furthermore, I'd hate to have a thread devoted to people bagging out my character just because somebody asked where I was....I would hate to be singled out in my own thread, and I'm sure you would too.

Hope there are no hard feelings.

You know something, I started out playing nice. I came looking for support at a time when I couldn't see anything straight, not much different than anyone else in the fog. I went into CA understanding that there would be BS who were trying to understand how a CS thinks. I got told by so many people that honesty was the best policy, but when I was honest I got shit on. I would express my thoughts and feelings and BS would tell me I was causing them pain by saying out loud what I'm sure many CS had felt. I didn't set out to abuse anyone, but I got put on the defensive so many times every post became a god damn battle. I was in indescribable pain and I couldn't get any support because I wasn't saying what people thought I should be saying. I was speaking my truth, trying to make sense of it, but honesty wasn't enough. I was expected to be repentant before I'd had a chance to come to terms with any of it. Being locked into those battles kept me from focusing on what I really needed to see.

People want to talk about the kind of pain I caused but again it's all out of context. You hit a dog with your car and then, when it's injured, get out and try to help it there's a good chance you're going to get bit. I came to the one place I could find to get some help. I got treated the same way that a CS or OP gets treated coming in here when someone is having a bad day. Only thing is, I wasn't here, I was in CA, a place that was supposed to be safe for me. It wasn't and when I hurt even more and lashed out like an injured dog, they treated me like I deserved whatever pain I was feeling.

Somehow I was the worst of the worst. Maybe I was the first CS to stand up to the bullshit. Maybe some people in that room had become accustomed to dealing with people like me in a certain way and it being accepted. I didn't find it acceptable and I still don't.

ImDealing, show me the strife I've caused, show me where I've treated BS so poorly. Then look back a little further and see where I was provoked. See where I was ganged up on. See where my words were taken out of context or ignored completely. Show me where I've said anything so outrageous, anything that hasn't been said by others. But those people aren't being persecuted the way I've been.

I didn't perform little experiments for my entertainment. I borrowed someone elses words to prove a point and I did prove it. The very same words that were let slide coming from someone else caused a shit storm coming from me.

What I said in whatever words I used was that the anger of so many BS was keeping some CS from having a safe place to work through stuff and get to where you all want us to be. Fuck. Stand in my way, impede my progress, and then be mad as hell that I'm not well? How is that anything but nuts?

I said some things that I could have apologized for but I don't beleive for a second that I caused any more pain than what was caused for me. You get as good as you give. If I gave anyone shit it was certainly handed back to me then and there. It was even a long time ago. I got out of the fucking way, made my own room and set to working through my stuff. Even at that, people laughed, jeered, criticized, took offense that there even was such a room, ridiculed us for it, people in CA and some people here too. People wanted us to get well and change our ways but we did this to ourselves and our spouses and didn't deserve to have support, not even from each other. So even the existence of our room caused pain for some BS but it worked. I got better. I came to understand and I got out of the affair. I rebuilt my marriage, I came to understand the pain I had caused. I arrived here ready to make amends by trying to give something back, thinking that I could share my perspective, offer some support. This was my pennance. I came to Infidelity with an open heart ready to help and ended up having to run the same fucking gauntlet all over again.

No, I won't apolgize now for statements I made before for which I've already been punished. If I did a crime, I've already done my time. People grow, learn and change every day. If you don't believe I've changed then by all means observe my behaviour and see for yourself, but for god sake leave the past where it belongs. I already paid for that.

I agree with Lebe. This would be a hurtful thread to anyone! Even someone that had extremely thick skin. I have no doubt that she has done and said things in the past that were provocative.

Since I happen to be friends with so many people on this thread, I tried no less than 10 times to try and write this thread only to erase it and start again. I finally just gave up since I cant explain my thoughts well enough to get them across....

I only wish you guys knew the person I know. Once you remove the BS/CS label, she is just a person like you and me that is hurting and needs support but also gives it fully.

Im not defending her past. I am not defending anything said in CA. I am only saying the person that I have gotten to know in the last 6 weeks is nothing like what my preconceived notion was based on posts in CA. I know that I could not have asked for more support from someone when I needed it. I just wish you guys knew the person that I have come to know.....

Pink, I just wanna say u have been articulate and clear in the posts ive read. ur not openly aggressive like many who post here, and i have had to use the ignore button more than i would like. I just think that maybe some people find it easier to be mean than forgiving and understanding. I am glad u have been improving urself.

People comment that i dont know what im talking about, but i myself have said things that got me singled out. i know how it feels to have people get pissed off, no matter what side of an issue u take. when i defended CS who post here by saying that negative comments are posted more frequently than positive ones, the got on my ass. when i got mad cuz a couple CSs thought that cheating was an emergency, i was called insensitive.

I am just glad there are people like u and Nana and many more who at least admit we are all human and try to offer what help u can!

Always sending love and support
Nikki

Luv.Imdealing
I'm one of the one who have been here threw it all. Every last post. I know everything and every single one you have written also.
I saw the post that NP would try to post and you would blast her.
Over and over.
So yeah if she got defensive I understand.
I didn't hit it off with N at first either. But I never treated her with the hate and disrespect you did Luv. Among others.
I'm sick and tired of all of your talk of what happened back then.
I know what happened. You goaded N at every turn. You and quite a few others. You want to talk Bitchy?
How else did you think she was going to act?
Was she suppose to grovel? I damn sure wouldn't and I wouldn't expect her too either.
She gave it right back to you. That and more.
Why didn't you just stay out of the posts? Oh no that would have been to easy.
Its was much better to go in and make her feel like a whore right?
So don't tell me it was all N's fault. I was there. For every last word.
It was The CA room and I tried to point that out to a lot of you and all of you still didn't stop.
You did the same thing to Lebe,I was there for that too.
So as a BS that would classify me as a damn good witness.
Be careful what you say. I know what happened.