Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Good afternoon. I am new to this forum. I'm looking for some support with trying to determine whether I should finalize or not finalize a divorce (and wait and see where my feelings sit).
My wife and I were married for 10 years (30s into our younger 40s); we have 2 young children, and I have 1 older one who lost her mother. My wife recently, 7 months ago, cheated on me with another women (who also has children and is married to another woman). The cheating happened over a 1 week period, but the emotional relationship was around 3 months. My wife had expressed feelings for this lady 2 months earlier than the emotional relationship, but the other lady did not know my wifes' feelings for her at the time. My wife told me she had been feeling suffocated in our house for 3-4 years, mostly due to her and my daughter not talking, and that she had lost herself.
Since the affair was discovered, we have separated, and I am in a better place. I am trying to determine whether or not I should finalize a divorce (we have a separation agreement in place). I don't know if I can ever trust her again. I have read on many occassions where even in a recovered relationship, the one that was cheated on has difficulty trusting indefinately.
I know this is limited information, but can provide more context when requested.
Thank you for anyone's help.
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I know this is stupid, but after not being able to find a job after graduation for almost two years, I ended up just taking an online teaching job because I couldn't find anything in my field. I was trying to get out of teaching and I feel so devastated. I felt this crushing feeling when I signed the paperwork and when I was in the meetings. I know that sounds so dramatic but it is how I felt. It...
You will find many nice and supportive people on this website.
I guess I would ask you - what is your hesitation in finalizing this?
Some examples might be - It makes it so "final" (but hasn't she already decided it's over, by going to a woman?)
Financial - You are not ready or even sure what the spousal and child payments will be.
It is hard to end a marriage. But it sounds to me that she already ended it, and in such a way that you couldn't get her back (since she has switched to being with women and not men), and so I think it's a matter of accepting what happened. Not liking it, but just accepting that she made her choice, and you unfortunately have to go along with her decision of picking another person.
There are also legal reasons why you shouldn't stay married to someone. Example, if they get into any kind of trouble, as their spouse still, you will also be on the hook for their actions. Such as any illegal things they do, or they get into a car accident and someone else is injured..... as the spouse, you are going to also be held liable to pay out any monies.... Okay, these are far-fetched examples, but they *could* happen (I saw one of these happen to someone I know).
Tell us.... what are your hesitations? You can be open and honest here...
My hesitation is I want to make sure I feel confident in my choice to divorce (I'm there logically, but emotionally, not quite there). The idea of legally divorcing for me is definitive. In the meantime, we have an air-tight separation agreement that covers custody, children support, etc.
Regarding my spouse, she is not genuinely a bad person. This affair is the first time she has ever done anything remotely close to it (I am certain). She said maybe one reason for looking elsewhere was because she was so suffocated in our home for 3-4 years. She also said she had tried to live the "good girl" life for decades, making life choices her mother thought would be good, not hers. Some of these conclusions she is coming to from talking to a therapist. Additionally, regarding her sexuality, she is not certain she now only likes woman; she doesn't know if it was more "the person" vice the sex. She did say she hasn't felt connected to me for over a year. With all of this being said, she still doesn't know if she wants to divorce. Recently she said she just started feeling herself again and wants to be in that place for a bit before making a decision.
Regarding the other woman, since our separation 7 months ago, she has recently started seeing her in a women's friend group (this group is sadly the only group of friends my spouse has, as we moved to a small town 3 years ago that neither of us were from). With this being said, for her to believe something won't rekindle is crazy.
Thank you for any follow-up you might have. This support from you and possibly others is helping me process and maybe get to a place where I am confident in a divorce. My therapist and family and friends have helped, but I also need this.
Questions to ask yourself. Usually our gut instinct will give us the answer.
It's great that you are in therapy. Keep that up, no matter which way this marriage ends up. And good that she is in therapy. Have you two considered trying marriage counseling (therapy with the two of you in the session at the same time)?
It's true what you first wrote, it is very difficult to come back from an infidelity. There is the lying, the betrayal, the feeling like the other person had one foot out the door, the "why didn't they come talk to me if they were so unhappy", etc, etc.
Surviving the infidelity WILL be hard, and a long road ahead of you of rebuilding trust, and 100% committment on your wife's part, and NO CONTACT with the other woman, etc... It is very difficult.... I am just being honest here.
My gut is telling me that it would not work out well - at least not in a satisfying way for me. I would be skeptical for a loooong time.
Additionally, she is not committed to reestablishing a relationship. She believes that it’s almost insurmountable- not only the affair, but with the relationship of my daughter.
My comments as a woman reflect that your wife is either bi or full on lesbian. It wasn’t a fluke she had an affair with a woman. Might not be her first female lover. I think this IS how she is and who she is.
With divorce, I don’t think a caring person ever feels 100% wonderful, happy, content, satisfied with a divorce. We have regrets and sorrow. We loved and we feel. We wonder how this affects our children. The only air tight custody arrangement is with a former spouse who wants the same. Who values the other parent’s role and truly loves the children unselfishly. It can be on paper and we still have the ex doing crap, interfering, etc. Most people are immature in some ways and just want to win and gain control.
How do you regain trust? Well, this is complicated and perhaps a fallacy. Depends on what your wife/ex-wife wants also. My spouse married and divorced a difficult woman twice cause they had kids. His divorce attorney said he sees this stuff all the time, the second try usually doesn’t last. People can pretend to change for a while but usually not forever. Their true personality comes out eventually.
You might consider letting her go so she can figure out her own issues. She may want to stay married because she’s realizing how difficult single parenting can be and feels alone. Rather than her desiring you. Just be careful.
Regarding your comment that there might have been another female lover in her past, my wife told me she had a weekend fling with a girl in college (20 years ago). I assumed it was one of those crazy youth things. Nonetheless, I agree, this might be who' she is (lesbian or bi). I did ask her recently if she is still attracted to men, and she replied "she has not yet determined she is not."
Thank you for your comment that a caring person never feels 100% wonderful with divorce. That gives me some space to feel ok about how I feel and may always feel.
And thank you for letting me know about your husband and his experience. remarrying for the kids, and then divorcing again. I have also heard this happens many times. I do not want this to be the case for me.
And you are 100% correct about someone's true personality "and desires" eventually coming out over time...if we tried again, I'm sure this would happen again.
Regarding your comment about letting her go, I am slowly letting her go. She hasn't stated she desires me, but has only stated she has not wanted to divorce out of fear of what it might do to our friendship.
Thank you hasty_o5 for your comments.
On another note, it's difficult to think about her and this woman having a relationship. How do I deal with this? Am I wrong thinking it is disgusting? Am I more upset if she has a relationship with this woman because this is the person she cheated on me with, vice a relationship with a new person?
Thank you so much for your words.
I agree with @hasty. When these thoughts come in your mind, turn those thoughts into being angry at what she has done. Examples... Think about how she lied to your face for so long, how she broke the vows of marriage and didn't give a damn about doing this, how she didn't get along with your daughter, how she just ran away when things got tough instead of working with YOU to fix anything.
We can't help what thoughts pop into our head. But we do have total control in that we can think about something else instead. Think about all the negative things she did (as I listed above). Getting angry in your mind will help stop those other relationship thoughts about her and the affair person.
And besides, you know her.... so this affair person will soon get all of your wife's bad sides too.... Oh well for those two...... Not your problem anymore. They will fail, but who cares now?? Not you!!!
I am at a point where I am want to talk to her about divorce; however, when I feel strong enough to want to talk, she can not talk. She then recommends another time, but then I think I won't feel strong enough to talk then, so we I say no, and we keep on delaying a conversation. I'm trying to determine what can help me move forward with these discussions. Any advice would help. Thank you so much.
Put down your bullet points in writing, pen to paper. Pen to paper helps your brain process and release the thoughts and rumination and tension.
In a day or so, reread what you have written and change or edit. Keep your bullet points brief. Most major point put first. Write it in a way you can read it and in a way that isn't blaming of her, pointing of fingers, being an a jerk, but is kindly said. Say these out loud and listen to yourself so you are saying things kindly and without blame of her. Even if she deserves blame, it only makes people defensive and an argument ensues.
Keep that set of words and take it with you to have the discussion. She may put it off and put it off. She may get defensive immediately because it sounds like she is either manipulative or immature or a high conflict person. So expect her to get angry and blame you. Do not get defensive. Ask her again to sit down with you, maybe ask 2-3 times altogether. So she may say no or put it off -- that is your answer my friend. She may not be willing to sit down and discuss with you and that IS an answer. Do not wait months or ask more than about 2-3 times. The unwillingness to have a real discussion is an answer that says she is not willing to be real and honest with you. That is a huge red flag.
I tried to have a discussion with my ex who had serious issues and all I got was how awful I was. I asked him why he was being so awful to me and he replied "because I can". That told me that I had to change how I was and no longer allow him to BS me or verbally abuse me. Sometimes we have to change how we approach this person. We have to be stronger and more decisive and they will not like that either.
I “think” I want a divorce because I have to accept the following:
- [ ] There has been no interest expressed in working things out. In fact, you may have ultimately decided to end things with the start of the affair.
- [ ] I don’t know if I could ever fully trust again. I don’t know if I could trust you not to want to be in a relationship with that woman, or to maybe have another affair if/when things get overwhelming. Additionally, even if I could trust again, I don’t know if I could ever be fully satisfied or safe in that new relationship.
- [ ] I would ask that you end your relationship with that woman- which I do not think you are willing to do. you may in fact be starting a relationship with her. I still have many questions. Regardless, I believe as long as you see her (even in friend groups), she is a temptation for you.
Her notes to me:
In my therapy work, I’ve had to look at this in two parts: the how I was doing in our marriage, and the affair. I have to consider them separately to make sense of everything and figure out how I feel.
On the marriage side:
- I’ve realized I wasn’t doing well, but didn’t really know or understand. I didn’t know how to articulate anything or how to handle it. I felt really lost and stuck and uneasy. And I felt upset with myself for not doing better at everything.
- I have thought a lot about if I think I could be better, different, happier if we tried again. I wasn’t going to be willing to try unless I knew I felt confident and could put everything into it. At the end of the day, trying isn’t the right choice for me.
On the affair side:
- Feelings developed for that woman. That was super weird and confusing and led me to really poor decisions. This was further complicated by them being real feelings.
- As far as that woman and I ever having a relationship, I’m not completely closed off to it. I know that’s probably terrible to hear and things would be easier if I could say definitively the other way, and I’m sorry for that. I even wish that’s not what I was saying.
I really am sorry for the bad decisions I made that hurt you and our family. I appreciate so much how good of a Dad you are, thank you for that gift.