Greetings

I want to hear from those that chose to stay. Where did you go for support? I am not jlooking for judgement from others, negativity, o comments like... "Once a cheater, always a cheater." There has got to be a place that gives you tools, helps lift people up, and a place that people can just go where others relate and can lend a comforting ear. 

I can see if someone wants to leave becuase they did everything right and they felt detrayed. However, do any of us do everything right? Just because we are faithful it doesn't mean in our relationships we aren't hurtful or in some for or way unintentionally absent. I married my high school sweetheart after 21 years. He had three children, I had three children, we blended our families and everything was amazing. Then life happened, it always happens. He worked full time, I worked part time. Our children were 2, 4, 5, 6, 9, and 10. I worked around the childrens schedules so I could pick them up and drop them off. I dealt with both ex-spouses who went MIA. I was doing all the Dr. appointments, Dentist appointments, school meetings, etc. for all six. Plus going to college during the evenings. Unfortunately my grandmother had a stroke and my grandfather got bladder cancer. When this happened I became their full time caregiver. ( I was in nursing school, so I was the best option, with no other family around) 

What I am getting at is there wasn't enough hours in the day. I had so much on my plate I unintentionally put my husband at the bottom of the totum pole. In my mind the children needed me and my grandparents survival was in my hands. He was an adult that would be ok until things mellowed out. However, they never did. He started drinking alot, gained a bunch of weight, and was always cranky because we had no time. By the end of my 5am - 10pm day of taking care of the world I was exhausted. I had no desire for sex. Sex what is that? The laundry still needed to be done, 14 loads a week. The dishes were always piled up. I needed two of me. 

Pretty soon the more he begged, the more he became clingy, the more I became frustrated. I felt like "he" was draining me. It had nothing to do with him. I started pushing him away in more than one way. I realize that now. I was niave and thought we were unbreakable! Yet, people can only handle so much. I started feeling like he was having an affair when he would come home late, stay out till all hours, started visiting the local bar often, and was texting till all hours. Of course he told me it was work related. On Octoher 5th 2019, I found out he cheated on me. I had bugged his car and that evening I listened to a conversation he was having with a co-worker. I will spare you the details but it was horrible! The things he said to her. The things he said about me. I was crushed. Now mind you my youngest was now 15 and our oldest 25. My grandparents were passed on. I had graduated college. Things were finally becoming about us. In August of 2019, two months before, he said to me " I don't know if I want to be married to you any more." I cried, we had a long talk, and we BOTH decided to give it 100% from that point forward. Which is what I should have been doing all along. 

Well, two months later is when I found out he was cheating. The details: She works with him. I know her. She knows me and knows all my children. They started seeing eachother in April or May 2019. So, maybe 6 months. They did have oral sex but no sex. I know this based on the conversation I heard. Not that they wouldn't have if they had had the opportunity. She is married. She has two children. They were sneaking away on lunch breaks, meeting for drinks after work, and hooking up at her friends houses. Now, she swore she would never do this to any woman as her husband had cheated on her a few years back and she knew how it felt. (BS) 

When I confronted him he begged me not to leave. He said all the right things. He explained I had beat him down so much so often he just needed to feel needed, wanted, and appreciated. He just wanted to feel good about himself and she made him feel good. He swear it would stop. The affair did. Yet he promised me the friendship and flirting would stop too. It did not until May of 2020. Since then I am pretty positive they do not speak.

My point is- we both did wrong things in our marriage which led to this affair. I played a part in it for him to feel he needed to out side the marriage. I wasn't innocent. Its been a year though since everything was dissolved and I still feel hurt. Yes, I own what I did in this and so does he, but I feel regardless not good enough, insecure, ugly, like the other woman. 

Is there anyone that relate? Any positives stories of hope and strength. Any suggestions on how I can feel whole again? 

Thank you