People DO NOT look for surrogates on hookup websites. Just no! Trust your gut. If he did not actually hook up with someone he fully intended to. He made this profile in secret, did not tell you he did it, and only copped to it when you stood there with proof in our hands. Then he minimized it and gaslighted you. "Oh I was only looking for a surrogate for *us*, I would never cheat on you with anyone...blah blah blah". Cheaters are so similar and predictable, ugh. Read my post "welcome to the newly betrayed" for some tips. Get tested for STDs. I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, he is hiding things from you and lying to you.

Agree with Betrayedtodeath. A dating website to look for surrogates??? That is a new one! Why didn't he tell you about it beforehand if that is what he claims it was? Why did he put he was "very dating oriented"??? Did he plan on dating the "surrogate"?? Cheaters lie, but this is a new one. I suggest counseling for you and for the two of you. But don't believe this outrageous lie of his!!!

Bless your loving heart I know how it feels like to love and trust and to be a door mat time to make an exit before you are heart broken. As it like a stab in the heart and it makes all illness set in I know as i am.

Wow....that is the most laughable excuse I've every heard. Absolutely a lie.

Wife: I saw you go into a whore house?
Husband: I was only there to get directions from them to get away from whorehouse...

Find out when he started this site. If it has been longer than a couple of weeks you can be sure he has caught a few fish already.

Thanks, all. I don't know if there is a better way to add to my original post? I know that he is cheating, or had the intent to if he didn't get that far. There is more to the story, but I wanted to keep the original post as unbiased as I could. I have been helping care for my elderly parents for the past year. He was working in Australia when we decided that I would come and do this. He was traveling to see me for a week every month. After 4 months, he said that it was not working for him and was upset that when he was here I didn't just stop my daily routine with my parents and focus on him. We went to counseling at that time and our counselor was of the opinion that I needed to quit helping my parents (my 89 year old father has Parkinson's, my 81 year old mother had a stroke 1 1/2 years ago and is in a wheelchair) and move back to Australia to care for my husband. I decided that I had made a commitment to my parents, who will likely only be living for a short time and I would not move. My husband decided to quit his job and move to the US with me. He applied for jobs while working a construction job for 3 months over the winter. He was contacted for a job in the Ukraine in February. We discussed how that would be any different than things had been before and thought we could make it work. He has been living in the Ukraine for 6 weeks at a time and traveling back to see me for 2 weeks. We also bought a Victorian home in March that needs renovation. I told him when we bought it that I would not be able to help much because of my responsibility to my parents.

The first thing that happened was that I saw a charge for a one night dating app that he purchased in June, during his 6 weeks in the Ukraine. He knows that I pay the credit card bill. When I saw the charge, I questioned him and his answer was that he accidentally signed up for it because he was lonely and thought it was a site for meeting people so he could learn Russian. There was a second charge and he said that he wasn't able to cancel, had to contact Apple and say that he was cancelling because of technical issues, that was the only reason they would let him cancel. It was about 2-3 weeks later that I found the website (a Ukranian dating site). When I confronted him, he said that the website and the app were the same thing. I told him I did not believe that. Then he said that when he got the app he got an email link that he also thought was a way to meet friends. Then the surrogate explanation came out. After we decided a year ago not to pursue extreme measures for children, he decided that since his sperm were fine (these are almost his exact words to me) he thought he might like to have children after all and this dating website presented an opportunity for us. It all happened so quickly and he didn't have a chance to talk with me about it, so he decided to see if he could meet someone that would be a good surrogate and then tell me. I had a printout of the profile in my hands. He indicated that he was looking for Friendship, Romance/Dating. I asked about that and because they were all one selection (I had already gone onto the site and fine through the sign up process and knew it was 2 separate choices). He wrote "Great personality, dedicated, passionate and romantic." The choices he made in what he was looking for were very specific, and many were different from my physical appearance, Hair length: Long, Medium (my hair is short, has been ever since we met) Body Style: Petite, Slim, Athletic (I am 6' tall, average build), Eye color: Blue, Grey, Green, Hazel (my eyes are brown), Appearance: Very Attractive, Attractive (I consider my looks to be average-attractive). The last thing he wrote was Seeking: Friendship, loyalty, trust,commitment, chemistry and speaking without need to use words.

When I confronted him with these specifics, he said that they were just words, probably similar to ones he used on dating websites before we met (We met online, through eharmony) and he was trying to attract the right kind of person, personality and physical appearance, that we would want as our surrogate. He said he was also picturing the what he would want the daughter he always wanted to look like.

When I continued to say that I did not believe him, he listed out all of my shortcomings as a wife, that I abandoned him and am choosing my parents over our marriage. He continues to say that he has been faithful to me and our marriage in body and mind. He wants us to meet with the pastor that married us the next time he is in the US, at the end of October. At first I was eager, but when I told a male friend about this, he said the explanations were possible and that I should stop helping my parents and go live with my husband in the Ukraine. I was shocked and that's when I thought maybe I was wrong, even though this whole thing sounds so impossible and there is too much evidence to support that he has cheated.

He cancelled the app and turned off the daring profile and thinks that has fixed everything. He doesn't understand why I don't believe him and I don't trust him. I saw some emails through the website, unfortunately only read one and it was a complaint he sent about people using the site inappropriately (ironic) I did not read any others or forward them to myself for further proof, thinking the profile was all the proof necessary.

But, I know what I know. Thanks for the support and kind words. I will not stay with a cheater and a liar, but he will not sign divorce papers until we meet with the pastor and he releases him from our marriage vows. I hope I will be the one being released, but no matter what, I will be free.

Wow the lying, blame shifting and gaslighting is staggering (listing all YOUR shortcomings etc). Please get tested for STDs. Ukraine phone order dates I am certain are not free of disease (I don't mean that as a racist statement, just that I am aware of the extreme poverty, drug use and prostitution that is rampant there). While he is out of the country, consult an attorney so you can get a head start on what you need to do to ensure your interests are protected. Funny how he needs to be released from his vows by a pastor. He released himself the second he cheated on you. But there are "Jesus Cheaters" who can sit at church on Sunday and commit adultery a few hours later and are fine with that. He sounds like one of them.

The parent situation is hard and you made your decision to take care of your parents over being with him.

I can understand how he feels, but how we deal with disappointment reveals who we are underneath.

He could have divorced you or given you an ultimatum at the time of your decision. Instead he decided to sulk and cheat.

No matter what you may have contributed to marriage problems, cheating is all his problem.

In the end he is pretty stupid with those excuses. I doubt any level headed women would want to bear his children.

i think at his core that he is a cheater and would have cheated on you as that is his nature


just my $0.02 perspective
i think it was not a loving partner choice made by you to choose your parents over your spouse

the vitality of the vine is priority, i'd sacrifice myself for my children, i would not accept them sacrificing themselves for me, ----

So sorry to hear about your experience! I cannot imagine how hurtful it must be to have your husband make you feel guilty for caring for your fragile, elderly parents and then have the audacity to try to use that as justification for joining a dating website. Based on what you described, he has shown no empathy at all for a situation that is extremely difficult and stressful for you. Rather than provide support to you, he has made a bad situation even worse. I think his behavior and lack of compassion for you and your parents is despicable. Caring for your parents is very admirable!! You did not abandon your marriage by choosing to care for your parents. I agree with the others who said that his comments/excuses are not credible

Thanks again for the feedback. I know that I am not perfect and haven't been the "perfect" wife, but I have tried. We've had issues, even during the first 3 years when we lived together and saw each other daily. There were problems early on, different expectations that we had about marriage and each of our roles. This is his 4th marriage, my first. I was hesitant to marry someone who had been divorced 3 times but thought I had asked the right questions about those relationships. I don't know whether he was unfaithful in those marriages.

It only takes 1 person to ruin a marriage but two people to make it work.

The odds of all 3 of his previous marriage being due to the other person alone is unlikely. Looking at how the 4th ended, it is pretty obvious that he either is the sole culprit or a major contributor at the least.