I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm a woman, but I can offer some insight into this.

First off, you did NOTHING wrong. Whatever issues you and he might have had, he still should never have turned away from you. He should have turned toward you.

He CHOSE to have inappropriate relations with this co-worker, hid it from you, lied to your face all this time, and treated you with disrespect. That is ALL on him. Nothing to do with you!

What is the status of this thing with him and her now? Does he still work with her? Has he cut off ALL contact with her, completely and fully???

If he hasn't, you need to demand that he stop all communication with that woman. Nothing will ever get better between you and him until she is completely out of his life.

The reality of life is that we can not change another person, or make them love you. If he is struggling with how he feels about you (his words and actions, as you just described), then tell him you need to know what is going on, where do you two stand, and does he want to stay married? Tough questions to ask, but you need to know what is going on and not make excuses for him or try to figure out what he is thinking. Just ask him. Sit down and have a serious conversation and get everything out on the table.

You are not second best. You deserve respect and you deserve to know where this marriage stands.

Thank you for replying to me. I know he made the choice to cheat, however I've done a lot of looking at both of us and I did tell him a few times that year that I was unhappy and wanted a divorce, I know that him cheating was 100% not the choice he should have made but I have learnt a lot about him recently. He's not a bad person, he made a massive mistake, it's actually what he's doing now that's killing me the most.
I want to trust that he's not speaking to her again, he will be going back to working with her in Sept which is going to be really tough if he's still unsure as to whether he really loves. He says there's want, love and desire with me but doesn't know if there's enough. He's such a closed book, so hard to get the answers out of him. He's started his own self help so I'm going to give it a little while before questioning him again. Mainly I'm doing this for myself so I can get myself stronger before finding out the answers from him either way. I've always been reliant on him emotionally so I need to take steps myself to sort that out before putting absolutely everything on to him.

Good idea to keep working on yourself.

A therapist, just for you, can also help you with sorting through these difficult feelings. Being cheated on is a trauma. Professional counseling could be very helpful to you.

Just don't waste too much time... waiting and hoping he will come around.

This is your life, and life is short, you know?

You deserve to be with someone who loves only you and not have you wondering or questioning his whereabouts.

That's all very true. I started counselling before Christmas as I already had rejection and abandonment issues so knew this would break me

Go over to cheaters anonymous ask the same question.. lay it all out and see what they have to say .. devils advocate

That's a good idea, thank you

Hi, Sunnyday. I'm a guy, but I'm a BS. I can tell you that he is unlikely to be successful at 'self help' as this isn't something he can easily break off. My wife had a hard time initially going no-contact, with the excuse initially that she felt she needed to end it with him her way (which i interpreted as saying it would never end!) That was the day I ended up with heart palpitations and stress off the charts because I was sure she was going back to him. I couldn't stop crying and could get no work done at all, so I took the rest of the day off, went home to thankfully find her at home, and we discussed things. It took my wife around 4-5 years before I was fairly sure that she was no longer in love with him. I would ask her every so often if she ever thought much about him. That kind of thing one can't do alone. We both went to see a marriage therapist and got some long term help.

I think it is wonderful that you took the time to work on yourself and your relationship skills. Not because it was your fault that he cheated, but it does take both of you working on these things for rebuilding to work. But, that also includes him as well. As long as he remains closed off to you and isn't fully transparent, and appears iffy on whether he loves you enough to do the extremely hard task of falling out of love with the AP, going fully no contact (with no chance of ending it "with closure"), no amount of your own self-improvement will save the marriage. You can't heal from this without him healing from this. He is severely damaged, whether he realizes it or not. I am unaware of anyone who has broken off with AP who has not gone through some very, very difficult and emotional separation of their own with their AP, save for those one-night stand people who have a more difficult issue to solve: a psychological addiction to sex, whether that be from power or desire for that experience, or that's the only way they ever learned to deal with people, or narcissistic tendencies or whatever the reason--they are sick. And I don't mean that as a put down, but mentally they are sick and need healing. I mean, what would you tell someone with a bladder infection who said they were doing some self-help? You would likely tell then that they needed to go to a doctor.

You are in a tough spot I am sorry that you have had to go through all this stuff, as many on here have. Your best chance of saving this (in my non-professional opinion--so take it for what it is worth) is to force his hand. To make him decided between you two. Either he does x, y, and z or you will walk. Of course, you have to be emotionally ready to do that if he doesn't chose you. But at least you'll know where you stand, whether he really does want to be married to you, or not. Unfortunately, many men have to realize that you are ready to end the marriage for real, before they'll come around and do what is necessary to heal themselves, and to heal you.

Wishing you a positive outcome, and the strength to endure it if it isn't.

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Are you on a good path now?
So my situation is different, he kissed her at a party, they didn't really know each other and we were massively unhappy. A few months later he went back to the job they both work on and he started off messaging her because things were awkward, he told her he liked her, she said nothing would happen because they are both married and then messaged as a 'friendship' for a few weeks until I found out. I don't think there were any strong feelings there, they aren't messaging anymore but unfortunately he goes back to work on the same job as her in a few months. I do think he is going through a bit of a mid life crisis, he's here, he's doing his own counselling and trying but still doesn't know if he loves me more than a friend. I don't know how much longer I can carry on until things click in to place. I so want to hear from other men who are in a similar situation to see how things have worked out and how they felt throughout.
I hope things are better for you, it shows you are a strong person

You're welcome. As to your question, yes, DDay for me was just barely over 10 years ago. She and I worked through the issues and we are still married, both love each other. We are about to celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary. Which is amazing to me when 10 years ago, I wasn't even sure whether or not I would be divorced in a year or not. Yet, here we are!

One rule of thumb when someone is in an emotional affair is when they spend more time with someone else, outside of a working relationship at work, than they do with you. As well as when they participate in more intimate discussions and activities that should be reserved for your spouse and/or a professional, like one's doctor.

Now, I don't know for sure whether he has done that or not, obviously, but from your description it would be hard to imagine he hasn't. I mean, giving one another massages on a regular basis . . . let's just say he knows a whole lot more about her right now than you might think in the short amount of time they have spent together. And that's assuming he has told you everything, which you can't assume he has. But I know until you find out differently, that's all you have to go on.

So I'll try to answer your questions more directly.

"I would really like some male advice as to what I do going forward? Do I still tell him I love him, even though he struggles when I say it."

I would say yes. One, he needs the reminder that despite how he feels, that you need to relate how you honesty feel. I wouldn't say it too much, or you can come across as needy, insincere (how can she honestly love me after what I've done?), possessive, or attempting to manipulate him. Just remind him on occasion when appropriate that you do love him.

Note: Saying you love him does not mean you won't exhibit some "tough love" at times. As a matter of fact, it can come from your love of him as well. Because you want what is best for him, that is what love does. So by saying that, you are not suggesting that what he is doing is acceptable to you.

"Could it be his own guilt that's holding back his feelings for me?"

Most certainly! Most "cheaters" feel enormous guilt over what they are doing. They become "addicted" to the "high" they get when they participate in such "forbidden" activities. It tends to often be a more gradual process for those who think "I would never do anything like that." For some, however, it started before marriage, when they were single and grew to love and get used to the hunt. They thought they would be able to stop that when they got married, believing that sex with their wife would fulfill them. When it doesn't, and most all marriages go through such times, they will fondly remember how it used to be and miss it. One thing leads to another, and next thing they realize is they are knee to shoulder high deep into an actual affair. It is hard to so easily shake the world view that you can have sex with whoever you want prior to marriage, but once married to become Mr. Chaste all of a sudden. But yeah, once they realize they have done the deed, they often experience a lot of guilt and struggle with it a lot, which only in their mind makes them come to the conclusion that they are a "bad" person, which makes all the more likely for him to succumb to it the next time. That's why I say getting out of these patterns of behavior is very, very hard to do alone, with self-help methods.

"Is there any male on here that has been through the same thing?"

Probably not a lot. It is (or was, it's been a while since I've hung out around here much) a form for primarily BSs. The CSs tend to congregate on the Cheater's Anonymous group where they can discuss things more freely without worrying about triggering the BSs. However, there are some CSs on this forum who probably rarely say much, due to the fear of triggering a BS, who might chime in. Most of the above comes from back in the day when I was on here a lot! And part of my time was also spent on the CA group, mainly in an attempt to learn about their mindset. Plus my wife, Gabi, was part of that group as well, and she didn't have a problem with me being there, especially since she was trying to be as transparent as possible. That ended up being where she shined, in the transparency dept. She never failed to tell me about any and all contact that the AP had with her, no matter how incidental. Like, "I was driving down the road and I saw him in his car." As well as some more serious situations. It was hard for her, but she so feared losing me that she was willing to do the hard things.

That's why I say you both need to be fully committed to rebuilding, whatever the damage that's been done. If either of you are sort of, "well, it would be a lot of trouble to get a divorce, so I guess I'm a go," then it will not work. You both have to willing and able to fall in love with each other again, or you will not have the strength to do the hard but necessary things to make this work. You want to have a very strong reason to do the hard work of rebuilding.

His reluctance may also be due to his fear that he will not be able to stop, and how could you love him after what he's done to you? There can be all sorts of psychological reasons that he is feeling this way, from very innocent to very guilt inducing reasons. That's why he should see a therapist to attempt to sort these out and get some help. I know from experience the reluctance men have to going to a therapist. I had never gone to one in my entire life, even when I really should have. But we both did when DDay hit. We both felt this was bigger than the two of us. And it did help to get us moving in the right directions.

Hi Sunny,

How has it been going with you?

Any updates?