Not sure CS and I are going to make it afterall. We keep fighting due to my finding more and more out. He is wound so tight he can't function and I am sure he blames me. Isn't that funny?
Any words of wisdom? Has anyone been here before? What should I do?

you may be right. I'll let you know. S

She is right, that's how cheating spouses who can't or won't deal with their problem, deal with their problem, by putting others in a position where they have to do something about it, so that they don't have to be accountable for their actions. I think you need to forget about the therapists for now and find out what's going on with him. It's time to strike while the iron is hot, but something tells me you don't really want to go there. It's time to put your big girl pants on.

If he really wanted to save the marriage he would have found his own therapist voluntarily. He didn't do that.

Start gathering as much proof of his cheating as you can. You may need it down the line. You're most likely entitled to half the assets he squandered on prostitutes off the top, before equitable distribution even kicks in.

I don't know what you mean by big girl pants. Is his defensiveness really his offensiveness against me? He gets very moody when we talk about the bad past because he feels guilty or at least that is what I think. He wishes we would never discuss any of it again so that we can get it behind us. Is this a smoke screen? What am I suppose to do in this situation? Is it so hard to believe that we are both sick when we discuss these issues?
What can I do to find out what is going on? Should I kick him out of the house is that what you mean? Is this a hate forum or a positive and helpful place for answers.

I have not one f'ing clue as to what to do. You are correct. My stomach is in knots when CS and I discuss events from the "bad" past. I think that is normal. I am doing all that I can at the moment. And believe me this is a moment by moment time in my life. I have my own business and it is taking its toll on it and my wallet.
I have lost weight, time and confidence. I wish God would give me the answers. Maybe I have to live through this misery to get to them or to finish this relationship once and for all.
I don't want anymore negative comments. If you have nothing positive or constructive, please don't respond.

I'm sorry, I mean it may be time to stop letting him decide how to handle this. He wants to push it aside and not deal with it, and I meant it's your turn to decide how and what you need from him and how you want to deal with it. This difficult time lasted nearly a year for my H and I so patience and low expectations go a long way. You have to decide if you need to talk about it more with him or not, it's completely up to you and what your needs are.

If you're fine with not needing to know more right now, work on doing some normal time things where you're both relaxed, and enjoying one another's company. This rebuilds trust and can provide a sense of normalcy. It's no different than smile therapy or faking it until you feel it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like you are getting negative responses. I apologize if you felt this way from anything I've written.

No not from you necessarily but the divorce talk and putting a game plan together. All of this seems premature for me. I believe in being real and honest with CS. He may have been different from my way of thinking but trying to be someone I don't want to be is too destructive. I am going to deal with the pain, get through this and get on the other side somehow.
Lenoire you know how I feel and your advice and comfort has meant a lot to me. Thank you.
Today is a new day, thank the Lord!

I have days where I don't know what to do either Marriagevows. It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions. It seems as tho things are OK for afew days. Then emotionally I am a wreck and turn into an angry bitch.
It seems to help when my husband takes time for us to have a date each week together. For us it usually involves not spending any money. Going for a walk on the boardwalk, etc.
I would say don't make any decision on whether to stay or not yet. I haven't. I am not wearing my wedding ring tho. That is my symbol to him that I am not quite OK yet. I still need to know and understand more about why this happened.
I am thinking of you Marriagevows. Just seeing that others are dealing with this and struggling too gives me hope. Hugs to you.

I hear you HazeyMae. I have told my CS that this situation we are in, unfortunately, is more common that we know.
This is a roller coaster ride. I have never like roller coasters.
Hugs to you too.... Lets all stay connected.

For you to want to stick around shows so much courage and character on your part Marriagevows. I think I speak for the group when I say that. Having said that, here's the rough stuff:
It took me 12+ months to grow up. I think I was "stuck" in the 7 year old mind most of my life. Being exposed was so terrible and frightening to me that when it happened, I hated what I realized I was. I lashed out at my wife, but it was really me I was angry at. Your husband might be very angry. He might need time to "grow the F up". He is going to be very, VERY resistant to admitting what he has done. I know I was. But the first step is taking responsibility and admitting you have a problem that needs fixing. Not only for you, but for himself. To be able to live up to life's full potential, we need to expose ourselves and be willing to trust that what our mates see will not cause them to run screaming in disgust. Try to make a safe atmosphere for him (NOT GIVE HIM A PASS- That is NOT what I am saying). I am saying if he feels comfortable telling you his innermost secrets, they will come out much sooner. How to do that, I leave to you.
If he is wanting to change, at least in my mind, he will be not only willing but wanting to talk and explore his feelings, his actions, etc. Putting up the walls will forever confine him to live his life as he was. Weak, scared, and childlike (Basically, I'm subconsciously talking about me here too). To Man-up and take charge of himself will free him of at least some guilt, and put him in a better place mentally, which will lead to better and faster recovery for you both. I owe my new life (Jim 2.0 she calls me) entirely to the love, patience, and persistence of my wife (PFrey71) of which I will forever be in her debt. She gave me my life back and showed me what love really is. I hope with patience, persistence, and love, your husband will be saying the same about you in short order.
Best of luck to both him and you.

Jim I was hoping you would write soon. It is very helpful to hear from a healed CS.
My husband phoned a therapist yesterday and is going on Monday. He wants both of us to understand what happened and realizes we need someone to help us. We are getting along better now that I am not pushing him so hard. Thank you, your wife and all for listening. It has been my lifeline........................... I will keep you posted.

It is Saturday morning and I have been on erotic websites looking at what is available to CS.
yesterday I found a website that reviews Asian massage parlors. It was very upsetting as the men explicitly reveal all that they did with these Asian women. When I brought it up to my CS he said he did not do those things. Only had sex two times.... Mmmm I wonder... Also can't remember every time he visited those places.

He goes to a therapist on Monday. I am hoping that the therapist will help him to reveal all of the things he has done and have him tell me as well.
My CS says that he believes in wedding vows. I told him that is hard to believe based on past actions. Again, I hope the therapist can explain to me or get him to explain to me how he can possibly believe in the importance of wedding vows, how he claims he never stopped loving me throughout this mess and why he did what he did.
Are my expectations too high?
My CS and I had a good week but I fear this weekend may not be so good. Too much in my mind to be loving and sane........................

Was the site Spa Hunters by any chance? I'm somewhat of an expert on this stuff now. Gee- what a thing to have to become an expert in! But my husband (jim1234) left me no choice. I had to sniff out his online presence to get the truth out of him. Your husband likely has accounts on at least one review site too and right now he's probably scrambling to see if he can delete his profile or his reviews, but once they're up there you can't delete them. My husband gave me that b.s. line about how he only had sex a couple of times and "he couldn't remember" too. But then I found my husband's profiles on two sites and read all his reviews. It was like a knife in my heart to read all about his favorite hookers from his favorite massage parlors, and I just LOVED hearing the play-by-play about the hookers he brought into our house and our BED when I was away on business....what positions they did, how they watched tv afterwards, etc. It's been about 20 months away from D Day for us now but those reviews still rip my heart out.

The therapist can tell your husband to 'fess up until he turns blue in the face. But it won't matter. These CS's just don't do it. They don't realize they're only causing themselves more problems by not telling the whole truth. And that "I don't remember" line? UGH. It's infuriating.

And the one thing, as a normal person, you will never 100 percent understand, is that they DO love us. That much is true. But it makes no sense to us and it probably never will.

pfrey71 thanks for the comments. You have read my mind. I am backing off a little as we have to have some closeness to get through this. In fact I just told him after dinner that the subject is tabled for awhile but will return. He knows me.

It is hard for someone to tell me know, after all of this that he loves me more and always loved me.
What does that mean? Someone cheats on you and lies through their teeth and still loves you?
Maybe you and I need a shrink. I am trying not to think of most of this for some time as I need a break too. I can't live under this stress day and night with no break. I ache all over when we hash this stuff out. So, this weekend is going to only be fun and passion, I hope.

I know my CS has a problem I just don't know what it is. He said that we weren't getting along and he had time on his hands and started to look at porn. The he got on craigslist and one thing lead to another. I told him that we did get close in 2016 and yet he continued to cheat at some level. He said to me I was already doing it by then. What?

We have a long way to go. I hope we make it together but if we can't be real about all of this it will not work.

How did you find out his on line presence? I would also like to find someone to help me find out how to uncover info on his cell phone as he used that most of the time and computer too. Someone on this site gave me a name but it disappeared.

Thanks pfrey71, keep in touch. I need everyone out there. I still have no one to talk to.

I am thinking about getting my own therapist to talk to. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to look for in one? The one my husband went to wants to meet with us both, not sure why.
He said he wants to help us deal with the future. I don't even know everything that happened yet!
How do you start the true healing process until you get everything out in the open.
I wish we were already there. I am trying not to push too hard, but we have set a date to discuss more in about two weeks.