I am in the same boat Marriagevows. Staggered disclosure really sucks! I keep telling him. First it was he saw prostitutes a few times. Then about 6 or 8. Well, which is it. You don't remember??? Right! Now it is he tried to get in touch with a different whore each week. Then it was only a BJ. Then it was he couldn't get it hard but did try to penetrate. Why do we have to discover it for ourselves? Stop lying if you want your wife to stay with you. Just F-ing tell me!!!

I used to be such a calm and understanding sweet wife. Now he has turned me into a psycho bitch from hell. I hate who I have become. I am with Marriagevows and wonder how much I can take. He only stopped cuz he got caught. How do I know he is done with this crap? I deserve better. I will not leave him at this point because I love him and love our life together in every other way except this BIG thing. I am not wearing my wedding ring tho. It is my sign to him that things are not OK right now.

They don't get that full disclosure is the only way to go and trickle truthing kills their chances at restoring their marriage. You might want to also read up about men who have Madonna/Whore complexes. It might explain a lot.

HazeyMae hang in there. We are both going to make it! Not always sure what the outcome is going to be but it is comforting to have a support group. Wish we didn't have to meet like this.

Pfrey71, Wow, I had no idea this scene was so advanced. Thank you for sharing what must have taken you a tremendous amount of time and energy to compile. You really do need to have the stomach for it as I find most spouses don't and would rather not know. Yet knowledge is power and it can unlock, as it did for you both, the reasons why something is happening. Without knowing where the leak is, you can't fix it.

I so agree with you about not waiting and letting a shrink figure it out because in most cases they never make it that far with a therapist. It's only until you do the research work yourself, that you have any real chance at understanding the veracity of the situation, because the cheating spouse won't divulge or tell you, and I'm announcing this with a loud speaker in hand. Marriagevows, it would do you well to read some of this blog and get to know what you're up against.

cheating is so much a terrible sin. all religions forbid it. but it is a sign that someone is not happy.
either work it out or leave him. but he has seeked for his "happiness" no matter how brief it is. try to work with him to see what can make both happy. a relationship is about sacrifice and happiness together. if u cannot do both then why staying in a relationship. message me if you need to discuss more. thx.

Lenoire I have read and have been living. He is feeling more secure with me, thanks to your guidance, and is opening ever so slowly to me. It hurts both of us so much. I will not be able to understand why this happened without professional help because when he tries to tell me I can not hear him. And since I am still finding things out it is really, really hard to believe what he is saying to me. I pray we get there soon. I don't know how much strength I have left in me.
One thing he keeps saying to me is that he never stopped loving me. How do you hurt someone you love? How do you cheat on someone? Because you can???

Did our CS cheat because it pleased them? Did they cheat because they were molested or had some trama in their lives? My husband says he lost his job and started watching porn and found craigslist, etc., etc. Is that enough to lie and cheat on someone who honors you?
Now that he has admitted to having sex (he says only twice....) at the Asian massage parlors, he says he doesn't consider that sex and has a hard time remembering it. He also says that he realized that sex without love is meaningless. I wonder where the truth lies? I remember when I found out he said initially that he was glad I found out that it saved him.

Any of the husbands might want to also reach out to my husband either here at DS (his user name is Jim1234) or via the blog. My husband will tell you that he also agrees....my finding out was the best thing that ever happened to him. He grieves every day that he threw so much of his life away chasing his sex addiction. In fact, I'm going to ask him to chime in here. He's got a bad cold right now and is a little under the weather today.

Statistics say that 80 percent of sex addicts were molested as children. However, my latest therapist (a trauma specialist who works with PTSD) says he's found that the "other" 20 percent who supposedly were NOT molested seem to be unicorns.....he's never met one and doesn't really think they exist. He would put that figure at 100 percent.

The trick is to keep him in therapy long enough to keep working at it because if he's really open to change, the truth will eventually come out. Come flat out and ask your husband what kind of thoughts he was having with these prostitutes. He will be embarrassed to tell you. Was he thinking stuff along the lines of "take that you nasty X?" Once you hear that you can see that it's an attempt to get their power back, and they get addicted to it just like a heroin junkie would be addicted to drugs. They throw everything away just to get that high....family, love, their relationships all get thrown away. And they feel guilty but can't face it so they come up with stupid reasons to be irritated with you to then justify their behavior.

Just a correction....I could have worded that better. I meant he needs to stay in therapy long enough to get the truth out of what happened to him as a child. What he did to YOU you really need to dig out yourself. Especially if he gets a therapist who's a "hand holder" with him and wants to label your need to know the truth as somehow "pathological" or "unhealthy." Most therapists are usually good at working out childhood trauma, but not so respectful to the wife, which is probably why it's difficult to treat a sex addict.

Marriagevows: First and foremost, I and everyone here am sorry you have to go through this. Try to remember you can and will get though it. With time, all things pass.
I am Pfrey71's husband. I was doing almost the same thing your husband was doing. I cannot talk to you honestly of what he is going through or why he did what he did without knowing more about him. I can only speak for myself- and the fact it sounds as though he and I share similar experiences. I can tell you this: 22 years is a long time. He loves you. He really does. Even at the depths of my fog, I loved my wife. This is one of those things that even people who have gone through this cannot understand. How can you love someone and do this kind of thing to them? It makes no sense, yet it was true. I do not want to get into a long, rambling post here when our blog explains pretty much everything you need to know. But I will tell you this: If he is serious, and does want to change, you should notice a difference in him and his attitude towards you. Professional help is key to getting him to explore the root cause of what he did and why. Without that self-exploration and discovery, I dont think anything will change. Without getting to the "root", the initial shock of being discovered will wear off and the brain will go back to doing what it did before. You have to find the cause. The real cause. Be aware though, that the real cause might hide itself insanely well. I became a Vulcan and created a bubble of reality only I could exist in. The lengths the mind goes to just to protect itself is truly amazing and deep. It might take quite a bit of prodding and constant questioning to unlock it. For me, I was sexually abused as a 7 year old child in school. Any conscious memory of that was wiped from my mind for almost 40 years! That was my "root" cause. Once that was exposed and I processed that emotion, it no longer motivated me in the way it did before. I really hope that you are able to stay together and work things out so you can move on with life, loving again, together.

Thanks for all the information. It would be hard for me to believe that my husband was abused. He was adopted and has some harsh feelings from how he was treated as a child. Such as not being a "real child" of his parents. Again, if he was abused it would blow my mind.
He says this all occurred from watching porn and discovering craigslist. However, we all know that is not what pushes you to do the things he has done.

I am going to see a therapist tomorrow. I don't even know what to say. I will probably cry the entire time. Other than this forum I have had no one to talk to. Except the offender.

Two years ago if someone would have suggested that my husband was molested by his second grade teacher I would have laughed in their face and said NO WAY also. In fact, HE would have also laughed in their face. The statistics are 1 in 6 for boys. I don't necessarily believe that the number is really that high, but let's say a more realistic number would be 1 in 10. That's a LOT of men.

pfrey excellent blog.!

I would be cautious of assuming that 100% of all sex addicts (80% + 20% 'unicorns) were sexually abused as a child. My first husband and ironically my brother were both sex addicts and neither were sexually abused. They both had diagnosed personality disorders which have a tendency toward hyper sexuality. I do believe that he may need to dive into in therapy and who knows what would come out but to say 100% he was abused as a child almost makes him 'the victim' and can shift the focus on recovery and repair.

He made a choice- whether it was from a personality disorder, a childhood trauma, or maybe he's just a manipulative liar- he made a choice to walk into that massage parlor and cheat, not once either. Not all victims of sexual abuse (if he was) choose that path.

I agree 100 percent that either way, they still choose to go to hookers. It's not an excuse. A million 2nd grade teachers never put a gun to my husband's head and made him go. He walked out our front door with cash in hand all on his own and chose to throw everything away. He had another, smarter choice, and that was to get help. I would have had much more respect had he used our money to spend on a shrink behind my back and at least TRY to get some help. But they don't do that. He and I still sometimes have this discussion. Yes, he was molested. But he still chose the life. Wrong choice.

I also believe that any man who chooses to ditch his wife and family for hookers has to have a personality disorder. Why? Normal people don't do that crap. But keep an open mind to the possibility that the diagnosed personality disorder may have it's roots in the abuse. Bipolar is one that's completely overdiagnosed and often inappropriately. Years ago when my husband had a rare tumor in his neck and he almost died....long story for another day.....I went to a shrink to try and cope with the stress. I walked out with a bipolar diagnosis. Why? I talk fast. I laughed in that idiot shrink's face. I'll bet I could have gone to ten shrinks and gotten ten different diagnoses. But all I needed was a damned Valium. LOL.

My husband without a doubt showed narcissistic tendencies during his time in "the life". So personality disorder and abuse are not mutually exclusive.