I am very nervous about going to this therapist. It is a man and I am not sure what to say and fear I will cry the whole time. My appointment is at the end of the work day so it will loom over me all day.
But what doesn't these days.

Expect to cry at your therapist appointment. I've been to several in the past 18 months. If you don't cry they're doing it wrong, IMO. It's normal. Don't fear it. Let it all hang out.

One word of caution, though. If this guy even HINTS about co-dependency or what you did to contribute to your husband's sex addiction, then pick up your purse and walk out the door. You are the victim here, period. I hope this guy is good. Update us tonight.

I hope your appointment went well for you.

There are a number of reasons for addictions; some aren't even addictions. Some therapists take it upon themselves to become an expert in a certain area of study in their field, often with publishers waiting in the wings for the book, if you follow my meaning. Everyone's situation is unique, and it's too soon to be labelling.

When you said it's a male therapist, did I sense some hesitance? I preferred a female therapist, and one around my age that had a likeable demeanour. I got lucky and felt comfortable with her right away and was able to speak freely and openly about the shame and horror of infidelity.

The therapist's function is to listen mostly, and ask subtle questions that guide you. Under no circumstances should they tell you, hint at something, or drive the conversation in any way; that's not their role. You should feel completely relaxed, and want to dump all the nasty horrible feelings and thoughts running through your mind. It's a place to cry and unload and observe and validate, and once you've done that, you can start the self-analysis, and that's the healing part.

Wishing you well.

I am home for lunch and to update everyone, the therapist changed the appointment until tomorrow afternoon. Ugh.
I will let everyone know what happens. Thanks for the support. This alone makes me weep......

Here with you Marriage vows. I do not understand why my husband did this either. I have been so accommodating for so long. I do not believe he was abused as a child either. I am going to see another therapist for the first time today. I do agree with Jim1234 that if we do not find the root of what was behind this behavior, nothing will change. I am insisting my husband get help through a sex addict therapist. He has only seen him once. Will see him again on Friday cuz I made the appt. I do not want to be the coach in this. I want him to fix it himself. He is too slow. Plus he is getting sentenced in 1.5 weeks and will spend 6 months in jail. Don't know how he'll get help then? Always waiting!

HazeyMae.....have him try a trauma therapist instead of a sex addiction therapist. The SA therapist will just recommend a 12 step, and I doubt he'll have much luck with that.

Oh, and you need a trauma therapist too. Every betrayed wife who's been a victim of this does. Your therapist should be separate from his. Don't even pick one at the same practice.

I just told him. Also, I entirely agree with you that if this therapist suggests that I in some way contributed to this, I will pick up my purse and leave. I am tired of workbooks that suggest this. I know I had nothing to do with this! Thanks for the affirmation to what I was already thinking. I am trained as a counselor and am definitely approachable for him or anyone to bring up tough issues. I am also fairly attractive and not that it matters either way. I do try to keep my looks up but am not uptight. My point is...I am a 10 in that I try each day to be the best person toward others and myself that I can. :) i hope that does not sound snotty. I ramble...:)

I totally get what you're saying. It doesn't sound snotty at all. I don't know any of you but I already know for sure this had nothing to do with the way any of you looked or acted. Want a good laugh? Read this post from our blog. I compare the hooker's online reviews to their actual photos. And my picture is up there too so you can put the face to my screen name. https://www.formersexaddict.com/single-post/2017/02/13/Fantasy-vs-Reality-or-Johns-have-really-bad-eyesight

I saw that post already. Thanks I've been reading your blog and have my husband read some of it too. :)

I just got back from a meeting with a therapist; a man. His name is the same as mine and he was very nice. I did not cry once or even choke up. Not sure why, maybe my poker face is good.
We decided that he would work with my husband if he (CS) wants too and I would seek a woman therapist if I felt I need one.
I have not discussed with CS yet as I thought that we would only have one that we could both work with together. Any suggestions out there?

I wouldn't focus on which gender therapist so much. I would focus on whether you feel comfortable with them.

Were you looking for this therapist specifically for your husband or for yourself? I was under the initial impression it was for you.

Why isn't your husband finding his own therapist? That falls under "his job" and not "your job." I had no part in finding our first therapist (going the marriage counselor route first was a mistake, but that's another matter). My husband begged me to give him a year to fix himself, but the rest was on him. He did the research and booked the appointment. He wound up hesitating a week because he was afraid the shrink would tell me to leave him, but then he followed through. All I agreed to do was show up.

I can totally see him getting your INPUT on who to see but if he wants to keep you in his life then he needs to get his butt into high gear.

My advice to you? You go to your own therapist. Do NOTHING as far as legwork for him and his side. Let him do it.

I was looking for one for both of us. When I went to this therapist he suggested that he meet with my husband and that I get someone else as it was a conflict of interest to see us both.

Please make sure you get tested. Something similar happened to me and I ended up with HPV, pre cancer cells and 2 years of stress before having to have a medical procedure. Condoms do not prevent the transmission