"I found out this July that they did have a sexual relationship. He said he didn't tell me that then because he didn't want to hurt me more."

He didn't tell you because he was afraid if you knew it had gone to that level you might kick him out and he didn't want to lose you and his lifestyle until he knew everything would work out with her. He wanted to maintain his lifestyle with you until he knew for certain he had one as good, or better, with her.

He needs to talk whenever you want to talk. He needs to help you heal by telling you what he was doing and thinking. It may be painful for him, but too bad. He created this mess and now he has to help clean it up rather than running away and leaving it all up to you. There is no way to predict how long it will take for you to get over this. Everyone is different, but the more remorseful, open and loving he is with you, the faster you will heal.

My H and I made it past the affair, but it took a long time for me to move past it and stop asking questions and being upset. I still think about it and have triggers. It will never go away completely. We cannot wipe our mind clean of things that have happened, but dealing with it will get easier. Your relationship will never be the same. He has shown you that he can love someone else and put them before you. That is now part of your history and he needs to accept that your marriage will never be the same because of what he did. All he can do is try to make you feel good about what you have now.

Thanks to all of you that gave me advice. I really do appreciate all of your comments. I t is so good to talk to people who truly understand. It's just so sad that we are all here in the first place. I do have some tough things to face. And yes, denial is one of them. I'm still trying to get it into my head that someone who is supposed to love and protect me could hurt me this badly. He has been my whole life for all of these years. And except for our two sons, I love him more than anyone. Everyone loves there children most . Right? Anyway, thanks again to you all! And just one other thing. If I don't do alot of the things possible with this site, it's because I simply don't know how! I don't mean to be rude or just not get involved with something because I don't care or I'm not interested. I'm actually surprised I figured this much out. I'm so glad I did! Thanks again! Love to all

Sorry that you are hurting. If he did not want to hurt you, he did an excellent job of doing so.

My advice to you is to take care of yourself, and the children. I like to say that he is selfish, but being selfish is putting it midly.

About the other woman. I do not know who she is and this drives me crazy! I mean I have a name but she has since gotten married so of course that has changed. I know where she works and she lives only 20 minutes away. I would like to know what she looks like for a couple of reasons. First of which would be the morbid couriosity that this situation brings about. The second reason is that it wouldn't be impossible for me to be in line at the grocery store and actually talk to her and not even know it! As far as I know she does not know what I look like either. That thought just drives me crazy and I guess I consider it just another secret my H has. Something else that he knows and I don't. Would it be better for me to know who she is or not? I probably won't find out anyway. I have tried to come up with a plan but nothing yet. Is it best to just remain in the dark?

I dont know if i can explain this,I am not very talking with people,I do read the post and feel your pain.I read that the reason men cheat is because they are looking for what they had with you,when you first fell in love remember how your heart pounded just thinking about him and how you made love.Its not that he doesnt love you,he is looking for the excitement that you used to have.After you have been married for years the love is still there,but is the desire still as strong as .If you are honest with yourself its not and it will never be that way again.You still love as much or more as you did but its more like a pattern you get in.The love is still there but the excitement is not.Women are more mature about their love and building a life and family.Most men dont cheat for love,its the excitment of having a new sex partner.Not all men are like that but seems like a lot are..If they only realized how much pain it causes their partners would they do it,I think so and some men do fall in love with their new sex partner but very few do because they love their wifes .I know a lot of you will disagree but maybe it might help some.I am not saying its right but it happens.

funcarolyn, I dont disagree at all. I think that is exactly what they are going for. My h's reason for his A was that having his ego stroked and her chasing him as she did, it made him feel young. It made him feel wanted and desired. He thought that he was getting old and he wouldnt ever feel that again. He was facing turning 50. We had lost our house to foreclosure. So many things all happening at once that made him feel like his life was spiraling out of control, Add to that he had fallen off the wagon and he knew that this was something that I would leave him again over. The OW was party to that as well. But in the end the choice was his. These are reasons, not excuses. In the end the they make the choice on their own and many pay a heavy price for it.

In the end, it comes down to this. If I read your post correctly this all happened 6 years ago? You found out he slept with her. While that would hurt. I agree. I dont really understand why you are having to "go through" it all again. I mean I understand how it would hurt you that it happened. At tha time it was happening for me what he did was so much more hurtful. I mean he tells you he is leaving you for this woman. That he loves her and continues to see her while he lived with you only because he didnt have the money to move out. So he just stayed living with you while carrying on with another woman. I guess what has me confused so much is why are you having to do all this work now?

In the end he stayed married to you because they broke up. Not because he chose to. It was just a place to fall. He hasnt done anything to actually fix anything. No counseling...no nothing. I mean you said yourself you didnt ask him anything because you were so happy that he didnt leave. So glad he was staying that you swept it all under the rug. You MADE THE CHOICE then to just let him do what he did and have no consequences to any of it. Why are you surprised now that he isnt willing to do anything to fix it? You showed him that. To be honest him NOT having sex with her would have sounded like BS and I never would have bought it. Since you didnt press him for any details or to do anything other than just NOT LEAVE, he had no incentive or reason to tell you anything.

You chose to put it in the past a long time ago. If you were willing to swallow down what he did to you six years ago and not do anything about it, why are you expecting him to now?

I think that you can keep the excitement and desire alive. My H and I do. It takes some work, but the rewards are great. There are lots of books on this.

Luv, my h and I do as well. But it isnt the same butterflies in the stomach kind of feeling you get when things are new. Frankly I am glad it isnt. I enjoy what we have now so much more.

I think the thing that hurts a marriage more than anything else in this world (that isnt directly harmful like abuse or something like that) is complacency. It is when we stop doing the work that we need to do to keep it alive that we put ourselves in so much danger of an A but mostly it is necessary to keep the love alive. To remember WHY we love one another.

I dont want to just remain married.

While I appreciate the comments nobody has addressed my last guestion. I wanted to know if it better to know who the other woman is or remain in the dark as to what she looks like? As I mentioned in my last post, it would not be impossible for me to be standing next to her in some store and not even know it, Is that the best way? or is it better to know her? I would like any opinion please. Also funcarolyn must have gotten me mixed up with someone else. I never asked why woman sleep with married men. And all I can say to nanasrcool is that while I was going through all of the awful stuff 6 years ago, maybe my main concern at that time was keeping my H. Right or wrong, I was scared and very hurt. My H has since told me the reason he didn't move out is because he just couldn't do it. But yes for awhile he was seeing the OW too. Maybe I have never really delt with any of this until now. I never asked him many questions then thats true. When he told me he stopped seeing her I was so happy because I loved him very much and I was glad he was still with me. I never wanted anyone to think this didn't have an affect on me back then! I lost weight and was always scared that at any time he would leave me. It was hell! I did the best I could do back then and I am trying to do the best now.

It may not be easier on you to know who she is - in terms of comparing yourself to her, googling her, developing an obsession with her. And back to the "why now" issue - you may have been sitting next to her in a coffee shop twice a week for the last six years and not know it - and you're probably better off for it. You're able to go about your life without worrying about it. Once you know who she is you'll pre empt certain things to avoid her - and thats no life. Nor is it healthy to spend any time "researching" her. It's done. It was years ago. She made her choice and moved on.

Frankly - I think she got the better end of this deal. She was the chosen one and did not choose to live with a man who was only there by default. She moved on. I don't envy you your position at all - I would have kicked him out years ago and be well entrenched in a new life by now. I have serious concerns about your self esteem in this whole thing. Don't confuse "but I love him" with "but I'm scared to be without him". They are two separate things.

Your last question and my opinion. Here it is...

I want to know the WHO behind the OW. I want to know the face and the name...and the address and social security number. All of it.

I want to know who had the balls to be running around my life, wrecking it, tearing it down, destroying my marriage, all behind my back.

So, yes, for me, I wanted to know just who it was.

Granted, YES, it is hard to see her. To make the comparisons - because she is prettier than me. I live with that. Just have to accept that - but I don't want to be near her and not know it. I don't want to be out and about, and not know she's next to me. I figure her days of blindsiding me are done.

And? I want her to know that I know who she is.

That's right...for me...L~

Socrushed... I dont for a single second think it was easy for you 6 years ago. I have no doubt it was hell for you. My point was you didnt address any of this then. THAT was the time to address all of this. THAT was when you should have been asking for these details. It isnt that I think that you have no right ot it. OF COURSE you have a right to it. I just think it may be much more difficult to get it from him now. I think that you have buried something for all these years and now it has come back and ...well basically bit you on the ass!

Now 6 years later, you are having the reaction we all had when it was happening to us. The thing is it isnt that you are going through it AGAIN... the thing is you are simply finishing the process with a 6 year gap in there.

I am certainly not saying you have no right to the information about the OW. I just dont know that after 6 years passing you digging it all up now will be helpful for you. We all know what you are going through because we all WENT THROUGH IT. You arent telling us anything we dont understand. We do. What is difficult to comprehend is that it took you 6 years to wake up and say "What the Hell?" But we all handle things differently. Maybe you are just now feeling safe enough to stand up to him and say and do all that you were afraid to do back then because you were afraid of losing him.

I dont know how much cooperation you will be getting from your h though. Most of us have a difficult time getting our h to help us deal with it when they are still in the part where they are feeling guilty for it. Even then after a few months they tell us to please get over it and move on. Your h has had 6 YEARS to pass and I can imagine he will not be all that willing to give you the information since he never had to pay a price when he was being so awful to you. Your only hope is that he has gotten quite comfy in his life and since he no longer has the OW waiting in the wings for him to boost his ego he will be just scared enough of you throwing him out now that he will cooperate. But that is what it takes. They must feel that there is a risk of losing you if they dont. You will have to have the bravery that you just didnt display back then. You will have to want the things you need more that you are afraid of losing him.

What I believe as far as how much information we should ask them is you should ask and know as much as you need to deal with this. It depends on YOU. If knowing this information will help you be able to move on, then you should know it. If knowing it will only make you obsess more. Then no, I would leave it alone especially given the amount of time that has passed.

What we are saying is that with the amount of time that has passed and given the total lack of sensitivity your h has shown you in his dealing with this, I just dont expect him to be very helpful to you. But like I said, maybe now that he no longer has the OW on the side giving him options, he will be scared enough his life on easy street for the last 6 years will be over he will. It depends on your h. He certainly didnt show you any respect 6 years ago.

Thanks everyone for your comments. My H was actually the one that broke things off not the OW. He realized she was not what he wanted. He is here with me because this is where he wants to be. I said "are you sure about that?" He said maybe he could have faked it for a little while, but not this many years. I had asked him if he really loved me like he used to. He is doing a good job of answering my questions. As we all know, this is a difficult process. I am not making any excuses for my H thats for sure! But I do know that sometimes I'm not real good at explaining things either. He is being very loving to me. I really don't know why it took me all of these years to get up the courage to ask why? And go on from there. I am mostly a timid person thats for sure. Maybe it is because he is still with me after all of these years that I did feel secure enough to ask guestions. We live near all of his family, mine are all in a different state so it would have been pretty easy for him to just move out. But he didn't and now we are trying to rebuild. Lstecker, you sound like you would be a fun person to know! You don't take any crap! I admire that.

Socrushed...First off, I think LSteck would be an absolute BLAST!! I prefer folks like her. You always know exactly where you stand with them.

Second... it probably is the fact that you are finally feeling safe and secure. I just hope that he will give you the info you need. I would really think about the questions you ask. Since you guys have come along for such a long period of time. Maybe mull them over and think really hard "do I NEED to know this information before I can let this all go?". Because this is what you are wanting to achieve.

You made the statement that you are having to go through this all over again. Based on your follow up statements, which actually bring alot more clarity to your situation.

We go through many stages in our healing and the final one is acceptance. It sounds like you have already forgiven him. You have also accepted what has happened. I would say that you are now experiencing more of what we call a trigger. Yours is much more severe because you never really processed your feelings. They sort of just were buried down deep and now you are feeling secure enough to actually FEEL it and even EXPRESS it.

Since you have processed many of the feelings you had albeit in a very suppressed manner. If you are needing true closure...I would think about it all. REALLY PROCESS IT. If you need to have more information from your h. Then by all means ask it. There is not statute of limitations. But understand that this also may open up old wounds for you as you have found out now. So only ask him the information you really MUST know. Then try to put it truly behind you.

It sounds like you and your h have managed to put the ugly past behind you. If you are happy and secure with him. This is all that really matters. We all have times in our marriages that we are not proud of. Times when we felt like we were not treated as we should have been. You cant do anything about the past. Just make sure that you never allow him to treat you as he did again. YOU deserve to be treated as a queen and respected. If you are like me, you treat him as a king and we deserve to be treated as we treat others.

Thanks for your comments Nana. What you said makes sense. While I did go through hell 6 years ago, I never really thought of my H as actually having sex with someone else. I asked if that had happened, he said no. I believed him either as a form of protection for myself, or it was that i really thought he was telling the truth. Either way, there weren't any of THOSE terrible images in my mind like there are now. And it is truly heartbreaking. And yes, I did and still do treat him like a king. I do deserve much better. I told my H that he didn't even know how lucky he was to have someone that loved him the way I do. He said I do know how lucky I am now and he was sorry for taking that for granted. That was nice to hear. Thanks again Nana.