He didn't want to hurt you - he just wanted to cheat on you, stay living there, and see this other woman, but he didn't want to hurt you.

Stellar.

Sorry that you have to deal with this. And live with this. But I don't buy the whole 'I didn't want to hurt you.' I do think he has the best of both worlds going on and he was just living the dream - and having you work your ass off to keep any hope of a marriage alive.

So many times, we really try to take a good look at the whole marriage, and how THAT is, to see if you can really get past the whole affair that happened. But, for that to go down, the cheater has to be upfront and remorseful and transparent as hell in the relationship.

Doesn't sound like he is. He didn't want to hurt you? Then he should not have done this to you.

Any advice? Be prepared to make some tough choices.

Like his head on the curb.

'You don't get to cheat on me and keep me.'

Sending you support, L~

I agree with L. For me, the hardest part of the affair was dealing with the lying involved. How could you lie to my face, repeatedly, when I would straight up ask you if this was going on?

I don't care if the affair happens yesterday, or six years ago and you find out...it hurts like hell all the same. He lied to you. He lied to "protect you". Riiight..just like my H lied to protect me. It's called being selfish...having his cake and eating it too.

Stay in therapy. Read those good books, hang with friends, and develop a support network. Don't let him bully you into "getting over it" or whatever; it's your timetable now.

Why would he come forward with this information now? I mean i'm not saying that this is something he should have kept a secret. I think that while he was admitting his love for the OW he may have well just told you the truth in it's entirety. One of the things that hurt me the most about my H's A is that he told this woman that he loved her and her child. It makes you wonder about the years since. I have had a hard time with the feeling that I was living a lie. telling you this now is not like say "I stole a piece of candy when I was 10 and never told anyone." This is huge. What does he want? If he is not willing to do MC then it would seem as though he doesn't really want to fix the mess he made. Regardless, you should continue with therapy and take care of yourself.

You seem to be Ok with being his consolation prize. As the others have said - he's been having the best of both worlds. Why would you allow anyone to treat you like this?

Bottom line, if he didn't want to hurt you he wouldn't have cheated on you and told you he loved someone else and was leaving.

That didn't pan out so now he wants to stay and work on the marriage. Really?

He was selfish. He was lieing to you. "HE" didn't want to suffer more. He didn't want to see MORE pain in your eyes. He didn't want to see your heartbreak when he told you he slept with her.

Sweetheart, he was in love with another woman. He became emotionally involved with her. I think that's more painful. Mean are visual. I can understand making a mistake with sex. But with their heart?

There's a saying that goes around here often:

Don't make someone your priority while allowing you to be their option.

You were his safety net, his training wheels. I'd kick him to the curb and show him what making you second means. That you are worth more than his backup plan.

Men are visual. Not mean. Freudian slip.

Thanks for all the input. To kree3. The reason he told me is from a hospital stay of my husbands. It was from my reaction to a procedure and a pretty nurse. He needed a catheter and the nurse came in to do while I sat right there. When he pulled his underware down and she was looking at him and of course had to touch his penis, I thought I would throw up. My heart was racing but you would have never known that. I sat right there and said nothing. I can honestly say it wasn't my husband that worried me in this it was the nurse. I know that sounds wild but I can't help how I feel. My husband is very good looking and I just assume she would be attracted to him. It was like I know another woman had his heart for awhile but at least I still just had his body. And after the nurse thing it was like that was ruined too. I had such a hard time with this that I finally talked to my husband about it. He thought I was thinking he was attracted to the nurse. I said no it was her that I was worried about. Anyway, I explained the Idea that I felt now I didn't even have his body for myself because she seen everything too. I said as long as what you told me about not sleeping with the woman from the affair, He just stared at me so I knew the truth then. I still don't know why this bothers me so much. The nurse thing I mean. My stomach actually lurches when I think of it. Is it really about his affair or am I just jealous? I don't know myself. When this happened, keep in mind I didn't know about the sex between them yet. Can anyone explain my strong reaction to the nurse?

'Can anyone explain my strong reaction to the nurse?'

I can take a run at it. That alright?

You went from a solid relationship to one that makes you question everything about it. Where his head, body and heart is at. Where do you fit in there? Is she still there?

Watching a nurse do that would be like almost watching this OW do that.

Because you believed that to be yours and now know it's not yours. Not entirely.

Lack of security in a relationship is a one amazing thing.

Yeah, I can relate...L~

Thank you Lstecker for your opinion to my question about the nurse. I can honestly say it was the best I've heard. It makes perfect sense. And I did have a solid relationship before all of this happened. It was totally unexpected and out of character for my husband. Not that he was perfect but I really was blindsided. And I want to add that he did tell me the reason he stayed with me is because he couldn't imagine not having me in his life. He told me a person in his position will say alot of stupid and thoughtless things to try and justify what they are doing. I'm not trying to make excuses for him here. I just don't want to look like a total idiot! He has cried with me and told me he is very sorry. But that doesn't make something like this any less devastating. It will be a long while till things are back to normal so to speak. It is nice to have people to chat with who can honestly say they understand. Thanks so much.

I am in no way advocating divorce here but my divorce was just final a week ago. I was married 22 years to a man I have known for 37 years and was Best Friends with six years before we married. So, I figured I knew him well....He decided "my" best friend was a better choice for him. I understand your pain all to well. Your life has been pulled out from under you, you don't know what is real anymore. The reason he lied to you was not because he didn't want to hurt you, he couldn't say it out loud. Very typical for a cheater. Think about it, cheating is one huge lie. They have to live in the lie to survive and continue the relationship. It's so common for them to never tell the whole truth. This is very painful for you because you are never sure you know everything. Your experience with the Nurse was probably your intuition telling you something wasn't right. You need to dig down deep and ask yourself if this is a man you want to continue to live the rest of your life with. He admitted he was in love with someone else (was deceiving you before he admitted that) then pretended to tell you the truth but couldn't leave...then decides to stay because it didn't work out??? And all this time he wasn't being honest about it. Honey, that's not love, that's desperation and dishonesty. You deserve better. I wish so bad I would have made my husband leave for a while after his first emotional affair with my friend (which wasn't just emotional, the lied). Because they eventually got back together for the real deal and he came back again and lied about that too. I made it too easy for him and he never had to be totally honest and fight for my love. He eventually left and filed for divorce. He still continues to tell me he loves me and all while continuing to lie. As bad as it hurts, I'm grateful I have the opportunity to find someone who deserves my love. I'm sacred, but hopeful. Be good to yourself, you deserve better and you are not alone!!

It's been awhile since I posted anything. Things are going okay sometimes and tense at times. Even if I don't say anything I know he knows whats on my mind. This brings about my guestion. It has been awile since my H and I have talked about his A. I have asked him to read the book I bought. First Aide for the Betrayed. It was a very good book with alot of helpful things for me. But it also explains so well what I am going through which is why I asked him to read it. It will be dfficult for him I know. But the more I thought about it the more I feel it's a good thing for him to know all of my feelings and the process of healing. I just wish he would ask me how I'm doing as far as the A goes. But he never brings it up, EVER! I guess if I were him maybe I would do the same. But there are still times I need to talk with him. So should I just come right out and tell him every time? How far from DDay can I ask guestions? I still feel that I am doing all of the work as far as healing. He does answer my questions when I ask, but I feel he should be more involved. I'm not sure he started reading the book yet. Should I ask or just trust that he will read it because I asked him to? I didn;\'t think it was too much to ask. If he could completely put me out of his mind, take off all of his clothes and make love to another woman, I think he could read this book. Because I asked him too. Right? Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Things are not going well for me. The saddness is getting worse instead of better. My husband and I do talk about things but it's hard. I want to know if anyone out there is in a similar position of completely different time frames. Meaning, for my H it has been almost 7 years past his A. For me only 5 months. So it's really tough for him to discuss something that he has long put to rest. But eveything is so new to me and I have all of the terrible feelings to deal with. As I said, they seem to be getting worse. My H asked me the other night what he could do for me. I said just kill me. He said don't ever say that! But sometimes I feel it's the only way to get away from feeling like this. But you know, he really already did do it. Kill me I mean. This is absolutely the worst thing I have had to go through. I am already on antidepressants but I am going back to the doc on Thursday to discuss upping the dosege. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to get past this. I know it's early for me yet, but I am scared. I do love him still but we all know sometimes love just isn't enough. I look at this man I have loved for almost 28 years now and wonder why he would hurt me like this. I can't even imagine doing this to him. Our life together hasn't always been easy, but I NEVER thought he would do this. I was honestly blindsided. I had no clue. What a terrible feeling. I hope there are better days to come. Thanks for your support.

for us it is similar. and we're just a couple months past dday. its like his affair is now my problem cuz now that its over its not a problem for him anymore, just me. i think this is common cuz i read a lot of posts on here where the BS feels this way, especially if the CS is male.

I think they have to do this in order to not hate themselves, but somedays it almost makes me hate him.

I feel the same-may sanity is gone. I will never be the same person. My H has had almost two years to deal with it. Today is 4 months for me and it still feel like yesterday. I just want to jump out of my skin. He just wants to move forward and not dwel on it. I just can't

SoCrushed - I think you are dealing with multiple issues here - and perhaps practicing some denial. It's not only the sexual aspect of the "affair" - it's the fact that he was out the door - he loved her, he told you he was leaving........in his head - he was gone.......he's only there now by default. That's no life - for either of you. It was unreasonable to expect that they did not have sex at the time you knew he was leaving. Believing that part of it - may have been self protection.

I think there might be seeds of this realisation in your current state - and its a hard road to travel. One thing I can tell you - is that once you decide to set some acceptable standards of behaviour in your life, and acknowledge that he has failed them, you'll start to move forward. With or without him. When you find your self worth, and remove anyone or anything that disrespects your worth - you're on the road to recovery. Unfortunately - we can swim around in our percieved "lack of worth" for a long, long time.

If you can - revisit your core values. Be clear about what is acceptable to you. And then ask him if he thinks he meets the criteria. It would be interesting to hear his response.

As for how long you can bring this up - for as long as you need to. He can just deal with it. You had to.