It depends on a lot of things.

How did you find out, 6 months ago? Did he come to you and confess with great remorse and guilt and beg for your forgiveness?

Or did you stumble on something suspicious and found out on your own and were completely shocked? And only then is he "sorry" and was forced to go to counseling?

How you found out, has a lot to do with whether it will work out in the long run. And four years? (Could be longer, but you only know of the 4 years) of lying to your face, draining YOUR money (it's half your money too!), is such a long time for him to keep up his double life. It would be concerning that someone is capable of spending so much time and energy into having a double life at all, and for so many years, and keeping it all so hidden from his family. Trusting him not to do it again would be a tough thing. Rebuilding the trust from so much deception and betrayal will take probably a long time. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please know none of this was your fault. You did nothing wrong at all. Nothing you could have said or done to prevent this from happening. It is all on him, and the choices that he chose to make.

Cheaters just get better at hiding it, go underground, have separate bank accounts and second phones, etc.

Cheating is a tough thing to come back from. How did you find out?

We're still together, Angelica, and we are both very in love and happy after staying together. It was also the darkest and hardest period of my life, trying to recover and rebuild.

The first 9 months of recovery were the worst 9 months of my life. I have never been so emotionally destroyed. The next 9 months of rebuilding were the most work I've ever put into anything, but so very worth it. Everyone's timeline is different. We were slooooow to get on track, partly because he provided an irritating "trickle truth" of what happened and partly because I needed a "plan B" for leaving before I could fully commit to staying. I know that sounds strange, but that's just what I had to do. I had to know I COULD leave to want to stay. I think this speaks to your "better of two bad choices" comment. I formulated a plan to leave that I knew would (eventually) bring me happiness.

So why did I stay if I knew I could be happy without him? I wrote out exactly what I wanted our marriage to look like and told him I wouldn't settle for anything less. Then he wrote down what he wanted the marriage to look like, and we mutually formulated what marriage should look like for us. We've been working toward it ever since. I didn't want my marriage "back" - I wanted a BETTER one, or it wasn't worth staying.

For what it's worth, I lost a LOT of love/like for my husband after discovering his infidelity. It took us a long time to rebuild love, and it was exhausting work reforging new connections. However, I am proud of the work we put in, and I'm so so grateful for the relationship we have now: full of respect, nurturing, honesty, and communication. We didn't have much of that before his A. As much as I am loathed to admit it, his A saved our marriage. (He sure could have found a less painful way to revive it, though. Geeze.)

As GirlinCalif said: This isn't your fault. He made his choices.

Three years IS a long time. What's up with that? I knew RIGHT away that my husband was messing around, but I kept making excuses and kept lying to myself because I didn't want to know. I guess part of me believed that if I ignored it, it would just "go away." I was also scared, and there was a huge financial disparity that "trapped" me there. (He was the breadwinner and I was the at-home mama.) Did you ever suspect during those three years? If so, what took you so long to investigate further or find proof?

I'm all for marriages staying together, but only if the marriages are mutually beneficial and healthy. If you had that before, you're standing on a lot more solid ground than my husband, and I were when we decided to rebuild. It sounds like he's willing to be fully transparent, which is a huge first step. What else are you doing to recover?

do your adult childern know ? and do they have resentment twds their father? , i hate seeing kids being in the middle of adult stupidity .. i grew up seeing it thru my aunt having an affair on my Uncle, the 2 flings my wife had 1 with a tow truck driver in 95 i caught her locking lips where she worked middles as a cashier over the counter ( gas station mini mart) he hung out there ... 2nd with a co-worker ( school bus driver) 8 yrs ago .. I still have hard time letting this one go , of course being married 34 yrs , and we all know they have their ups & downs but dam 4 yrs you were blind sided , i caught my wife when her attitude changed towards me ..being distance ect: just like that , i made a online account with ATT and Bam ! there it was same no# everyday for the past 3 months ...

I say its worth it. No matter how you find out, if they show remorse. Than yes. rebuild little by little

@Allora, what were some things you wanted your marriage to look like? I don’t even know how to start to do something like that, but it sounds helpful. Specifically, what did you want your husband to do to win back your trust?

When you say 4 year affair. Do you mean he was leading a secret life? Or hooking up with someone on and off for 4 years.
I stayed, like Allora, it had to be something better. It is. Everyone is different. Trickle truth was a factor for us also. But I did my own investigation and got what I needed.
1. Total honesty 2. Disclosure 3. Transparency. This is where we started. It was rough at first. I told him he could leave when ever he wanted. But if he did there was no going back.
He begged, pleaded like many of them do. Some mean it some don’t. The ones who do the work are the marriages that can survive.
He told his family, our kids, and friends. This was to get it out in the open.. no more secrets or hiding. We told everyone we are working on our marriage, this is Our marriage.

I have had friends on here find out after their CS begged and pleaded for them to keep it quiet and it’s “their” business, find out the A was still going on. I believe in full disclosure. You don’t have to be vulgar about it. Just vague facts.
But now everyone is aware. So if the see him and his work friend at lunch and it’s not the guy from the office.. they will call me.

What sorts of things did I ask for? Gosh, 20 hours of time bonding per week. Mutually respectful dialog. Putting each other/our relationship above work/kids/volunteering/friends/etc. No more sleeping apart. No more graveyard shifts. But those were specific to us and our needs. What a "good" marriage looks like to us will look very different to other people, right?


As far as what we did to rebuild trust - EXACTLY what CaliRN said:

1. Total honesty

For every lie he told, I needed 100 truths. Not literally, I mean, I didn't count every word out of his mouth or anything insane, but just that "I'm sorry" wasn't going to cut it. I had to mentally be aware of every time he shared a "difficult truth." To foster honesty, I had to react levelly and acknowledge/praise him for sharing - even when it wasn't always a truth I wanted to hear. He had to learn to share more openly and transparently - not just about the affair but also about his own feelings and needs.

2. Disclosure

For me to move on, I had to know "the whole story." I had to rewrite history as it truly was and not as I had believed it was. I also knew at some point I had to STOP talking about the infidelity and move on, and I couldn't do that until he answered all of my questions. (And... honestly, at some point, I had to realize I never would have all the answers and get right with that.)


3. Transparency.

No secret accounts. We both have full access to phones, computers, mail, social media, etc. We don't go anywhere without sharing where, when, for how long, and with whom. We have iPhones, and we can see each other's locations at any time. We both have access to each other's financial records.

ZERO contact with the OW - or with dating sites, or with whatever means it was through which he found the OW.

add to that:

4. Policy of Joint Agreement:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htm
This was a high priority for me to be willing to rebuild with my husband. I did not want either one of us making any decisions without the other person's enthusiastic agreement.

5. Time. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but no wounds heal instantly. I needed time to process. Also, time together, making good/new memories helped blur the old/bad ones. I needed time to process what happened. I needed time to see that he was going to stay and was going to be faithful. You can't prove faithfulness in one shot - it happens over time.

Part of rebuilding trust is giving the other person a chance to SHOW you, not just tell you. That's so scary and so hard because it means leaving yourself vulnerable. However, other than letting your partner have the chance to do right (and potentially do wrong), there isn't much you can do to rebuild.

You have to consciously CHOOSE to let go of your fears and believe (blindly, yes) that your partner will do the right thing. And every time he does the right thing, you have to be willing to embrace that and let that be a building block instead of holding on to his past betrayal.

Establish clear boundaries (and consequences!)

OK, as usual, I got long-winded, so I'll shush for now. I should just let CaliRN share, since she's so much more concise!

Allora, you crack me up. We definitely agree on the right steps to follow.