"I still haven't shared with many people because I can't figure out why i wasn't good enough for him."

Please don't beat yourself up about this or believe that there is something about you that makes you not good enough. This is about misbehavior on his part--this is about him, not you--this is about his character flaws, his abuse and mistreatment of you. Nothing you are, said or did can justify his poor behavior and actions. These are choices he is continuing to make. You are more than good enough for him; actually you are too good for him. You deserve better. Just remind yourself of that when you are feeling low.

I thought I wouldn't be able to get on this weekend because he had been around over the weekends sort of...but not the case. I have been trying the 180 method which feels like it might kill me. Honestly, he said to someone, oh well she's ok then so no problem. In general he's so mean to me. He looks at me with hatred in his eyes and yes I said some mean things to him over the years and I know that's wrong and because of what's going on now I have even more regret for saying mean things. I know there is no excuse but the main reasons I said mean things is because it's easier for me to show anger than hurt, I wanted him to notice me or see me and lastly because nothing about his behaviours changed. I want to feel better so so badly but every day I feel worse.

I feel invisible with no voice. Nobody sees me, nobody hears me. I guess that's my own fault I spent so long pretending I was ok when I had to be around people and hiding as much as possible.

It's hard because our "business" community is small and my husband has this big handsome smile, and warm friendly demeanor (at first) and I'm much more reserved and guarded so people love him! I have noticed though he burns through "friendships" in about 90 day cycles, generally people start to see things in that time frame or feel some type of way within that time frame that make them pull back.

I am the only who has always been there for him even his family is not close to him 5 siblings, both parents and 2 children none of whom he spends much time talking to. They live across the world except for the toddler he had during our marriage (that he doesn't see) yet it's never me he wants to see. He wants a better relationship with his mother but doesn't try with her either he just wants to buy her a home and thinks that will fix it all. Yet he has no plan to make that happen. He doesn't think about me, he doesn't love me, I feel like if I died tomorrow he wouldn't care but I sit here pouring my heart out for him. He's right I'm pitiful.

Chunnie he needs to leave the home before any healing
Will start with you. Then do not try to get him back let him
Go. This situation will not get better only worse.

Personally i dont see the 180 helping you. This is abuse.

You need to build up your self esteem and self worth and
Treat yourself with loving kindness. You will not get it from him.
Please only try to help yourself do not worry about him, go see
Your your lawyer. Focus on you getting healthy and better forget
Him.

" Chunnie he needs to leave the home before any healing
Will start with you. Then do not try to get him back let him
Go. This situation will not get better only worse. "

I agree wholeheartedly. Get him out of your house, then refuse any contact with him other than what is legally required. I had a boyfriend break up with me a couple of years ago, he left me for someone he cheated on me with. For about 3 months after that, he still would call me occasionally when he and his new girlfriend were having problems. Because I had been his friend for several years before we dated, I tried to be his friend and to be honest was hopeful that we could reconcile, but what I got was heartache. He would say things and act like he wanted to get beck together, but that was not the truth. I was weak and allowed him to be in my life when I should not have. The contact I had with him made things probably 20 times more painful. Had I refused to be in touch with him, I would have healed much sooner.

I have always been a very level=headed person with good boundaries, but what my allowing his yo-yo behavior turned me into a basket case and made me think some destructive thoughts that I were very contrary to my normal self.

The end of the story?? He and Ms. Wonderful did not make it for a year. She ditched him. He then started calling me again, and regretted leaving me and wanted to get back together. Guess what my answer was? An emphatic NO, and not only that, I told him I did not even want to see him at all. But the only way I got to that place was by having no contact with him and allowing myself time to heal.

I wish you lots of strength, Chunnie. Things will get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes some time.

Seeing a counselor is a wonderful step in the right direction. You showed a great deal of strength in making that move to seek help, especially if it is something that your culture would not condone.

Hang on to that grain of strength and continue moving forward to self esteem. You can have a new and wonderful life, free of this man who wants to rob you of yourself.

You ARE lovable, and someone who recognizes that will one day tell you that, once you are healed.

I hope you find peace soon.

Really...reading all of this makes me think he's one hell of a narcissistic jerk. So, he's all good looking and shit? but he burns thru people as soon as they see who he really is. Don't be fooled into thinking that he's so well loved....


How do you get thru this? I am under the impression that he's still living in the home, in the process of leaving? I vote you go ahead and get mad. Nothing wrong with a little anger.

Steal his favorite shirt and burn it in the back yard when he's not home.

Dog poop under his car door handle is fun.

Of course, you should scrub out the toilet with his tooth brush.

Add some interesting stuff to his food maybe? you were pretty sure he had a problem with constipation and were just trying to help, right?

Super glue his zipper shut - on all his pants.

You know? that 'Woman Scorned?' It's alright to BE her for a bit.

L~

My husband came home last night and for the first time ever really talked to me about how we got here. I've made terrible mistakes and I realised my inability to forgive and my focus on being right instead of happy is the problem. This is all my fault. I ruined my own marriage. I have to live with looking my epic failure at marriage. I have failed at so many things. I opened a business to do something for my family. I wanted to be able to do something so my mom could stop working and take the rest that she so deserved and she passed away suddenly while we were on the phone 16 Dec 2013...I failed. I lost my husband to the person he had a baby with in 2011. I lost our baby in 2012 and now I've ruined my marriage and lost my husband again. He is leaving for Christmas to spend some time with his girlfriend and will be back in January to pack up and go to his next stop. The best thing I can give him is freedom from me. I love him so much but I don't deserve him and I'll have to live with myself knowing I ruined my marriage. I am grateful that he was finally open with me but I am so sad that it is too late.

Btw you have all been so kind in supporting me but I don't deserve it. Clearly there are better people here who are innocent and hurting. I caused all my own pain.

Btw you have all been so kind in supporting me but I don't deserve it. Clearly there are better people here who are innocent and hurting. I caused all my own pain. Thank you so much

Bullshit, Chunnie. Don't let him fool you into thinking he was perfect. There are problems in every marriage. You are not to blame for the "failure" of your marriage. He can't commit to anything. I'm sorry he's leaving you alone at this time, but it doesn't sound like he's good to you or for you. It's painful, but you'll make it through it, and if I were you, I'd be preparing to tell him, "no" if he tries to come back again.

Chunnie, this is not all your fault. Not at all. Every marriage out there has problems. That's reality - but it was his choice alone to go outside your marriage lots and lots.

Did he own any responsibility in all of this or make it all on you? That's terrible.

Not on you...L~

I pushed him away with my need to be right instead of happy. What else could he do? I accept my fault. All I can do now is try to let me go, so he can be free and happy. He deserves that.

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. Bt do not beat yourself up because you are upset hurt and crying. Crying is part of the recovery process. Crying is not a bad thing. And it is perfectly normal. So is feeling sad and hurt and devastated. You are going through a lot.

But remember, with time things WILL get better. Guaranteed. I would be willing to bet that a year from now you will be a completely different person. Hang in there. Pray. Get out and do things to help others, that helps take the focus off you. It can be very therapeutic.

And remember, you have a lot of support here. Most of us know the pain you are experiencing...

Chunnie,

Maybe you weren't perfect. Maybe you did push him away like you said.

I'm sorry, but that never excuses what he's done and his part in the downfall of the marriage. You said in the first line of your original post,

"My husband has cheated on me repeatedly in the 10 years we've been together"

His continual cheating, a decision he freely made, is in large part responsible for the demise of your relationship. You can't push him to cheat. He, due to low esteem, dealt with his issues in a destructive way. There are many routes he could have chosen to deal with this. An honorable man, if he was really unhappy in a marriage, would first get a divorce before going on the hunt. Instead, he disrespected you as a person and cheated.

And when confronted with it, he appears to have effectively blameshifted his destructive decisions to make it your fault, freeing him from any responsibility in this matter.

I know right now your self-esteem is in the pits, and it may be hard to see through that, but believe me, you didn't ruin your marriage. You both may have had a hand in it, but he would have cheated on you no matter how great and good you could have been. You can't own the blame for his bad decisions. It just doesn't work that way.

Make sure you seek some help, as he has effectively manipulated you into seeing a distorted picture of reality. You might not be able to see that, but from this side of the computer screen, it is so obvious. There are a lot of issues underlying all this. Find some counseling. Check out your social services in your area. You can find help to get you through this.

It's Christmas and one if the worst days ever. I am alone and sad, I'm missing my mama, my lost baby and my husband. I ruin everything I touch. I chased this man that I love away to someone else because I'm just poison. I hurt so badly that my heart actually hurts because of what I've done and what I've lost.