Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

I am trying to heal

Waverider
Waverider

After 35 years of happy marriage I discovered in July 2019 that my husband had a year long affair with a woman from work in 2012. He believes our relationship was good at the time, but severe stress and lack of support in a high level position caused his friendship to become an affair.  3 years ago he persuaded me to make a retirement move to another part of the country. I am angry that he wasn't brave enough to tell me.


Counselling has helped, but I don't feel the same about him. I find myself going through strong feelings of anger and hurt regularly. I had felt that I should have moved on more and healed more. Reading many comments here. I realise I have a long way to go. I think of ending the marriage, but can't bring myself to walk down that path. I have just turned 60 and my son's and close friends are not here, but very supportive. I have friends here but I have not shared as the knowledge could be harmful to settling here. It is my intention to continue to stay together. We have a good life and get on so well, he is kind, generous, loving and supportive, even sex it good. There has been times in the past when he has been, short tempered, dismissive, even controlling. I have made big changes and have stayed on my terms. I now voice anything that I am unhappy about. But often hide my hurt and anger. He has been working hard to be the best husband to walk this earth. The love I have now is quite different, far less. Trust is a big issue for me. I like to think I am being strong, but at times I feel like a coward and wonder how I can still be with him.

Aronia
Aronia
It doesn’t take the hurt away.. but he ended it. There was no good excuse for what he did.
In the end, he chose to be with you.
I think you will be able to get through this together.
If he is attentive to you during this period of grief, that is a really good sign. Eventually, things will settle down in your heart, but you are right - it will never be the same. Maybe you can build something better.
I got divorced 10 years ago, I will be 45 soon.
The pickings are slim out there.
You both are looking at the years of life when it matters who is by your side should you become sick.
Will he be there ?
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I love what Aronia wrote above.

Keep up your counseling sessions. You just found out last July. It hasn't been that long. It will take time to heal.

If he is truly committed to you and the marriage now, then I think you two will be okay. Keep a journal just for you, and write out your feelings. You will feel hurt, anger, sadness, joy... write them out on paper to help get them out.

Best wishes.
shakyinside
shakyinside
It sounds like as a couple you have a lot to work with to rebuild your relationship if that’s what you want.
Waverider
Waverider
Thankyou so much for your kind words, it gives me hope. I haven't been able to talk to anyone who has gone through this terrible hurt. I know he is fully committed to our relationship now and wants to be by my side through our latter years. I have a journal but only write my troubled thoughts. I will now write in the fun and laughter, a much better balance. I do still want him. We have a lot of rebuilding to do.
Mickie200
Mickie200
I understand completely as I am going through the same thing. I even said to m husband that I don't know if I'll respect myself if I forgive his affair. I don't look at him the same at all. He seems weak to me---I look at him and see a fraud. Our marriage went from something people admired and wanted to emulate --but now, though only one friend knows, I feel like a fraud myself as people still look at us like we are the prototype for a good marriage. It's horrible. I told my husband it's like there is this beautiful tiered wedding cake that everyone is in awe of but inside I know one of those tiers has a chunk of cake missing and it's hole is just covered up with frosting. Empty.

I hope to one day fill that tier's hole with ganache . They say marriages can be stronger after an affair but for now....that tier is still hallow.

I hate that we have this in common.
EllaEscribe
EllaEscribe
First of all you are not a coward for staying with your husband. Instead I believe you are the strongest woman alive because you believe in your marriage and have chosen to fight for it. Good for you! Everything you are feeling is normal and it does take time to move past it all. Be honest with yourself, and allow yourself to feel all of it. That is the only way to completely heal. Praying for you and sending you hugs!
Sminvt
Sminvt
I share so many of your feelings with my own husband and his past infidelity. We have been actively working on our marriage and honesty between us but I still feel angry and a complete lack of trust. My husband also hid and lied about his cheating and he sums it up to primarily be a result of work stress. I just wanted to let u know that I feel your pain! I too want a healthy marriage with the man who lied and cheated because we also have so much good but these feelings linger. I keep telling myself its going to take time. Lots of time, more than I may recognize. I'm trying to focus on the positive and allow myself that time. I wish you all the best, I hope knowing ur not alone and hearing others stories and thoughts helps a little!
Imansa
Imansa
Hello,

Do not make yourself feel as you are a coward or blame yourself. When you can't take it anymore, you'll know when to let go. I have been trying so hard to work things out with my husband and we nowhere with me trying. It’s to the point that I had to say lord, It's in your hand now. I'm in the stage right now that I cannot take it anymore and I'm ready to file for a divorce. That’s not what I want, but I must do what’s best me and my children. I don't feel as if I'm giving up because, I know, I gave it my all trying to keep the family together. So, it's time for me to do what's best for me. Why should I be sitting around with heartache when he's leaving his life?
Waverider
Waverider
So many of you are going through the same as me. I also had the marriage others thought was perfect. The empty gap in my heart is there also.. Your experience and feelings are so like my own. It is definitely hard to be strong. There are many things that have changed in our relationship. I no longer say nothing when he does or says something that upsets or angers me. I tell him how his actions make me feel and we discuss how we should tackle the problem in the future. I know I wait too long before addressing my feelings and know that I should talk with him within a couple of hours not days. Strength is sometimes hard to find. Thanks for all of your words, they are helping me to find that strength. Letting go and moving into a new life must be so hard,

Trust is a big issue and I wonder will I ever be able to trust him. Being lied to for so long makes me wonder about other lies. We have talked about this in counselling.

I am with you all as we struggle through this. Hugs to you all.
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