Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have no sympathy for the people on this site that are involved with MARRIED men & woman!
As a woman that went threw terrable pain over my husbands indescretions I cannot understand why these people think we want to hear there story.
I dont mean to sound harsh,But its just wrong if they think we should console them.I am sure many of you that have been hurt feel the same way.
As a woman that went threw terrable pain over my husbands indescretions I cannot understand why these people think we want to hear there story.
I dont mean to sound harsh,But its just wrong if they think we should console them.I am sure many of you that have been hurt feel the same way.
I think you have a lot of balls to come on here and say what you have said. You sound a lot like me in what you say about your relationship and I wish that you could make things work with your H so that you are also happier in the relatoinship. A relationship can not be one-sided. It's just not fair to the person at the raw end of the deal.
This site definitely is for those who have been cheated on and those who have cheated. We all have a problem here and it helps me for sure to be here and be around those that are suffering or are angry or mending their lives after a spouse has cheated. It helps me to keep myself real and keep reminding myself of what a horrible thing I did.
Everyone is welcome here. And I am willing to talk to anyone who is here whether they were the ones cheated on or the so called cheater.
It doesnt seem to me that is REALLY what this is about.
Support does not have to include being "understanding" about the act of cheating. It doesn not involve accepting excuses for bad behavior, or making excuses...and it does not include the acceptance of blame put on ANYONE other than those who knowingly cheat or are involved with cheaters...
Honestly responding to someones excuses IS supportave - in that it points out the flaw in thier reasoning which GOT them HERE in the first place.
If you have been cheated on - and you express how bad it is, and you respond to someone's excuses or reasons for cheating with critisizm...there is nothing wrong with that.
If cheaters thought about the pain it causes, acknowledge the responsability for it ... they wouldnt "need support" or a place to go. Because they wouldnt do it. Thats all.
I just think it is unrealistic for a cheater or someone who is with a cheater ..to expect anything other than that from someone who has been cheated on.
If you want to talk about how to DEAL with the reprocussions or stratagies to get over and move on...thats one thing. But that does not involve making excuses for it. Those excuses - that is what is holding you back.
Taking responsabiltiy for your actions, owning the negative impact they have and acknowledging YOUR weakness is the first step to REALLY getting over infadelity - for the cheater.
If you dont think so - then I'd like to understand that thought process.
maniac said...
"I feel like a victum too. .. i'm with this married guy ... it's not my fault he came on to me. he's the one who is married and took the vow. i didn't take no fricken vow! I feel bad and all for his wife but obviously they don't have a strong marriage, that's not my fault!! and i'm the homewrecker.... he is. But his home has not been wrecked and for all i know, he'll probably stay with her forever. but if it's not me he's hooking up, it will be someone else. it's sad but true. but I'm a victum because now I can't trust men. i would be scared to death to get married because i know he would cheat. i've had 3 dads at my preschool come on to me. i've slept with 2 of them. men are weak. "
...SO you know this guy is married, lying to his wife...you are making assumptions about his wife and excuses for yourself. You say he came on to you - not the other way around..then that fathers of kids at work came on to you and you've slept with 2 of them...
You really believe you dont have ANYTHING to do with that? You really believe there arent women out there who are MORE appealing than you, more attractive than you...who are NOT getting hit on left and right by attached men...who are not sleeping with attached men?
this isnt about your attractiveness or appeal.. --- i'm just saying that YOU are putting OUT THERE some kind of vibe that tells attached men it is OK to come on to you. That is why they are. You may not think so - but find a beautifull - attractive - intellegent woman who you KNOW men are attracted to --- one who is NOT sleeping with attached men --- you will see a difference in the way she interacts with men and the way you do.
Married men ARE responsible for thier own choices - and YES THEY are the ones who most affect thier marriage. That still doesnt mean you have NOTHING to do with it - if you are knowingly with a married man. Thats like offering an alcoholic a drink and then saying "well - they drank it. Its not my fault"...even if they ASKED you for a drink... the act of GIVING it to them - when you KNOW they are an alcoholic and it could have direct negative impact on thier life... there is a measure of responsability there.
Of course the marriage or relationship has problems if one is cheating- but it doesnt mean it's the other persons fault or they know about it.
ALL relationships have problems, are not perfect , are sometimes more weak than strong...all take hard work. It's a universal fact.
There are many ways to deal with and react to problems in relationships ... the act of cheating is one that is not unavoidable. There are people who cheat for reasons which are FAR LESS than others who dont cheat and stay faithful...
There is NO reason to attack or critisize the partner of the cheater - in order to justify the acts of a cheater or someone who is knowingly with a cheater. YOU JUST DONT KNOW. Dont assume you do.
Being a victum...you are a victum of your own behavior in this regard. You knew what you were getting into.
Everyone can sometimes be weak (men or women)...but now you know...
If you find a great guy who is USUALLY strong - but he has a weak moment or period for one reason or another...you KNOW someone like YOU will be there to be with him... they will make excuses about how it affects you , make assumptions about how you are somehow to blame for your partners unhappyness which lead them to the cheating...and as bad as it may be you will also not be able to FULLY confront your guy and/or the person he is with..to take responsability for thier actions and how it has hurt you ...because of what you have done. That is what you are a victum of.
Being sad that your married boyfriend is with his wife instead of you when you'd like to be with him...that doesnt make you a victum. (How do you know he is with his wife and not another girlfriend?) ... either way... it's like having a bad hangover because you drank so much the night before. No one did it to you. To be a victum - something is done to you - you dont do it to yourself.
Victoria...
If people can continue to have a sucessful political career who have been cheaters..and who have been divorced... thier wife cheating shouldnt end thier career. If it does - it wasnt strong enough in the first place. Thinking of his career first is what got you to this point in the first place. Do you want your kids to get married and have thier partner cheat on them? or to cheat on thier partner? Would there be ANY reason that was ok?
Having an affair affects your family - whether they know about it or not. And - in all probability - they eventually will (maybe they already do).
You are already putting your husband and family (and your relationship) on the line by having the affair. There are a LOT of very busy sucessful people who have a good mariage - who make it. So - it's not JUST the career or that he is a workaholic. There may be reasons behind it. It's just easier to NOT think about all of that and have an affair. If the marriage is loveless- why care about your husbands carreer? It is not your responsability. You cant make it or break it. He has to put in the work - and what happens will happen - and if he's hiding from his family behind his career - that wont REALLY help his career.
If he's not involved with you - i am assuming he is not so involved with is children either (this assumtion could be wrong - but i'm going to respond to it..) Your kids then wont lose a father from a split - they may in fact get MORE of his attention - once it is his "visitation time"...
Ask any kid who has lived with parents in a loveless marriage - who's parents had affairs... ask them if they thought that was better than thier parents splitting up.
If you are thinking of your kids FIRST - also - you would realize that having an affair is NOT good for THEM (forget about you or your husband..) --so this ISNT REALLY about the kids.
You said you dont have a lot of friends you can talk to and you would not be comfortable to see a therapist. --- SO - Is this affair comfortable? Do you really think it will go on as it has - you dont think it wont affect your kids or relationship more? It will. Be proactive about dealing with the problems - whatever they are. Opening yourself up to a theripast should not be more difficult than taking someone OTHER than your husband into your bed...that is opening yourself up intimatly - and if you can deal with that - you CAN do OTHER things for yourself, your marriage, and your family - than have an affair.
Now - that is not being unsupportive - or critisizing YOU as a person. But i am critisizing your behavior - and pointing out that whatever your reason for putting yourself in this situation - there are BETTER ways to deal with it. Better for EVERYONE - including you. And i think that anyone would agree (who is not in denial about an affair) --- that if you really thought about my perspective and acted on it - it would HELP you and your family - not hurt it.
That is the kind of support people need who are cheaters - or who are with cheaters - in regard to infidelity.
"So, for now, I will stay in an almost loveless marriage for the sake of my boys and the sake of my husbands political career"
Big mistake. Something that it has taken me a while to come to accept. How healthy is it to model a loveless relationship to your boys? Is that how you want them to treat their wives - as your husband treats you AND IN TURN you him? What legacy of relationship modelling are you leaving to them?
Something to contemplate.
You've got a decision with only 2 possibilities: Fix it (the marriage) so it's what you WANT to be in and stay faithful to or LEAVE IT and be fair to your husband/kids. It will take you time to process all this....I hope you get all the support you need in whatever format speaks to you...
I can't beileve this trifflin scuz bucket could defend ruining someone's home. Yes most men cheat but if you say no then morally you've handled your're bizness. I've let my girlfriend have it over this exact same issue. All she'll ever is "Baby Momma" never a wife.
"I agree with you Barbie. I want to feel safe in this forum to share my heartaches and would rather not be subjected to the stories of these people who have or will most certainly cause someone else tremendous pain and long-term emotional trauma"[END QUOTE]
Cleo ~ not all people who are the cheaters are BAD people. I made a huge mistake and I spend a lot of time kissing my husband's butt because I feel I owe that much to him and even more. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. But that doesn't mean I won't have my selfish days where I feel neglected by him and am tempted to think about cheating again. I know I won't do it because I'm much stronger now.
I'm sorry for all of you that have been cheated on. I feel that as many women cheat as there are men that cheat. I just don't feel that men are more likely to do it, I really don't. I think they get a bad wrap on this.
My marriage had been deteriorating for years. I was incredibly unhappy. I felt lonely and felt that even though my husband and I had tried to talk many times that we were getting no where. We had a lot of history and I can honestly say that my bitterness and anger about certain things were a barrier to any real success in trying to improve our relationship. I have a young son and our bickering was taking a toll on him as well. I had begun to think of leaving him... mostly because I want my son to grow up truly happy and I didn't want him to be around parents who didn't love each other.
I now know that I should have tried harder. I believed that I had tried.
At my absolute lowest point, a man who I considered my friend and mentor that I had always had deep feelings for approached me to tell me that he had always wanted me. We had been friends for a couple years and he shared with me that he was also miserable in his own marriage. He felt unloved, unwanted, etc.
He pursued me... he showered me with affection and attention... something that I had all but given up on in my marriage. He made me feel beautiful, desired, and loved. He accepted me completely. I shared my inner most thoughts and he embraced me. I believed that he and I were destined.
I was stupid. I believed that he loved me.
After a short time, he was going on a previously planned vacation with his wife. I begged him to spend the time with her to decide if he really wanted to build a future with me. I told him that I didn't want him to contact me for the week he was gone so that he could really focus.... he called me from the ship yelling that I was "the one".
I believed him and I walked away from my marriage of 10 years. I moved out and started to build a new life. I am sure that you all will find this rather odd but it is because I am incapable of cheating that I walked away from my husband. There is no way that I would be able to sustain an affair. There was no way that I could live a lie.
For 9 months, Michael reconfirmed that he loved me and that he wanted a future with me. He even created opportunities for me to interact with his kids and sent me pictures of them constantly. I fell in love with the kids too.
I did lots of research on divorce and the effect that it has on kids. I am still sure that raising them around a loving supportive environment would be a huge improvement to the loveless stressful environment that they are accustomed.
The last couple of months have been a hellish rollercoaster ride. Once the reality of having to take real steps forward sunk in, Michael got cold feel. He couldn't go through with it. For the last couple of months, Michael has flip-flopped between wanting me to wait for him and telling me that he could never leave his children. His marriage is horrible. He is miserable but his dedication to his children outweighs all else.
The constant swing from being "the one" to losing the love of my life has really taken a toll on me. I am devastated... depressed.
Last week, I finally got a lawyer to send a letter to him so that he would cease contacting me. I honestly believe that he would continue on with the affair indefinately if I didn't take this step. Not because he wants to be a cheater but because he is seeking to be loved.
It seems stupid to need a lawyer but I honestly don't have the strength to tell him to go away on my own. He has contacted me three times since I sent the letter...I have told him strongly to go away each time... but I am fearful of seeing him in person.
I love him more than anything on the planet. I wish that I could stop loving him. I would give anything to make it stop. In addition to processing the heartbreak of giving up the person I love most in the world (which I know none of you want to hear about), I am trying to work through the horror of the path of devastation that I have done to the life of my ex and to my son.
Yes, his wife knows. I don't think that she knows everything but she knows. But, she will never leave him. I don't believe that she cares to build a strong loving marriage. I simply think that she will never bring herself to destroy the image of a family that they have built up.
I strongly believe that he will cheat again. That hurts me too... because I thought that I was special but I realize now that he was only using me to add a little warmth to his life.
I get that most people have no sympathy for the "other woman" here. I understand that it is painful. I will tell you that I think that there is a difference between the habitual cheater who is just incapable of commitment and others like myself who would give anything to be in a life long committed loving relationship. I honestly thought that that was what I was doing.
I feel hurt and used.
At a time in my life when I could have really used a friend... my friend and mentor took advantage of me and lead me on a path of self destruction. Had he instead held my hand and co-miserated with me... we could have supported each other through the process of working on our respective marriages.
One of the most painful aspects of this entire episode is that my ex has remained my friend through it all. He knows about the affair and is actually sympathetic to my pain. So, here I am trying to process the fact that the person that I love most in the world was using me and that I hurt the person that apparently loved me most in the world.
I am so thankful for my son right now. I honestly believe that he is the only reason that I am still standing. I am not suicidal by nature... but the strong urge to pack a suitcase and move to someplace new where no one knows me is overwhelming.
I have such a long way to go... I didn't move from the couch all day today. I have been working on this letter through tears for almost two hours.... I promise that I am not running around bragging about having gotten another woman's man.
I was 18 yeard old when I became involved with an older married man. We were together 2 1/2 years. I tried leaving (got thrown through a wall). To make a long story short I ended up going to the wife and telling her the whole story. There were others before me too. Heck he even cheated on her 3 days after their wedding. I proved all of it to her. I even got a PFA to get away from this guy. In my opinion she was a very WEAK woman for staying with him. Women enable their men essentally by tolerating this behavior. If a man cheated on me like that you can best believe that I would blame no one but him and I'd be cracking up laughing as he was picking his crap up off of the street.
"I have a problem with the fact that you are trying to blame the person who as you have put it "helped" your husband to cheat. Did he CHOOSE to cheat or did someone hold a gun to his head?"
***No one holds a gun to the head of people who are KNOWINGLY with cheaters either.
BOTH are to blame. Don't assume that people who have been cheated on do not "blame" thier spouse / cheater...but the person WITH the cheater is ALSO to blame - EQUALLY - and the ONLY people who have a problem with that FACT (not idea - fact) - are people who ARE cheaters.
Cheaters are people who cheat - or who are KNOWINGLY with people who are cheating.
"Sounds to me as if you are not holding HIM responsible for his own decision"
***OF COURSE she is holding him responsable for his decision.
Only People who HAVE NOT been cheated on - and probably most easily people who have been with someone cheating...could make that assumption.
BUT - that is NO REASON to ignore the RESPONSABILITY of the person who he cheated WITH (if they knew he was cheating...)
" I became involved with an older married man. ... I tried leaving (got thrown through a wall). To make a long story short I ended up going to the wife and telling her the whole story. There were others before me too.... In my opinion she was a very WEAK woman for staying with him. Women enable their men essentally by tolerating this behavior."
***SO you think someone is WEAK for staying with thier husband - but you dont acknowledge the WEAKNESS in deciding to be with a married man?
You dont understand why she didnt leave ...but it took YOU a while to leave? (and this is SOMEONE ELSE's husband) -- and you say you were thrown through a wall ---are you saying he was abusive?
If he was - then you REALLY dont think he was ALSO abusive to his wife?
Dont blame the victum. YOU were not the victum there --- maybe you made some stupid decisions because of your age at the time....but if you think you did nothing wrong and you think the WIFE of the man you were having an affair with is the stupid one...then it doesnt sound like it's an age issue - in regard to your decision to do that.
People who are abused are many times not able to easily leave thier abuser's... dont assume they are stupid.
YOU are the one who CHOSE to be with someone you KNEW was a cheater ---she married someone she thought loved her.
YOU DONT THINK YOU enabled the cheater by BEING with him / cheating with him on his wife? No one can controle OTHER peoples actions - only your own.
She could not force her husband to be faithful. YOU COULD make sure you are not KNOWINGLY with a married man.
If she is making mistakes by staying with her husband - she is only hurting herself. YOUR actions hurt OTHERS.
"If a man cheated on me like that you can best believe that I would blame no one but him and I'd be cracking up laughing as he was picking his crap up off of the street. "....
****WELL - if you have not been cheated on like that - HOW CAN YOU KNOW.
YOU have already demonstrated you dont make the best decisions in relation to who you are intimate with.
WHY are you so sure you know what you would do / how it would feel / what you would feel....if something happened TO YOU ...like what YOU contributed to happening to another person.
To say "he would just cheat with someone else if not me..." is an EXCUSE.
YOU are not the moral authority for HIM or HIS WIFE or thier decisions, you can ONLY speak for your OWN behavior and choices.
What you are doing is distracting from YOUR OWN bad decision, by trying to BLAME Him, His Wife,....
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
"Also there were no kids involved and the wife was well off financially on her own. She was just scared of being alone. Personally I'd feel better being alone than be with someone like that."
****...first of all... YOU WERE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT. AND - you were not already MARRIED to him, and you had a VERY GOOD idea of the kind of person he was --- AND YOU DID CHOOSE to be with someone like that.
Whether or not he had kids, or the financial situation of his wife... those issues do not bear ANY kind of excuse or explination of why being with THIS PARTICULAR married man wasnt SO BAD... you are just making excuses.
YOU KNOW you were wrong - because you wouldnt be ATTACKING HIS WIFE, and making SO MANY excuses for your behavior if you thought you were right.
Dont make any assumptions about his wife either ...are you going off HIS word? The cheater you are trying to blame for the entire situation and excuse yourself for? You dont KNOW. You dont know her.
You dont know what she accepted, or knew, or her finantial situation, or ANYTHING about her EXCEPT for the fact that she was MARRIED to the man you were sleeping with. THAT is all you know.
It's easier to make excuses for yourself if you imagine all kinds of negative things about the person who was married to the man you were cheating with ....
and you dont understand why someone who was cheated ON has a negative connotation with the person who thier spouse cheated with?
You DID something TO his wife - if you knew he was married. SHE did NOTHING to you.
What I am saying is FACT. It is not Opinion. NO MATTER the situation - being with a married person is cheating. Being with someone else when you are married or in a committed relationship is cheating.
Cheating is wrong. It is destructive and hurtful. The person who was cheated on is the victum and has the most pain - they are the ONLY one who DID NOT have a choice in the matter.
What ever your reason - you could END you relationship before being with someone else.
AND - you can't take the word of someone cheating on thier spouse - as to the reason or excuse why they do it / or the situation of thier relationship / or thier spouse.
They are cheating on their spuose. There is NO reason they wouldnt lie to the person who is cheating with them.
THOSE ARE FACTS.
Hydriad - i appreciate you sharing your story. You say you LEFT your husband before starting another relationship - you made a conscious decision to NOT cheat on him. You showed him respect.
The person you were with - it sounds like he took advantage of you.
BY what you say - i'm sure you realize that if you made sure you KNEW he had left his wife before beginning a relationship with him.....you would be better off.
You are not trying to make excuses - you are trying to deal with your feelings and the situation.
You are not attacking people who HAVE been cheated on.
You DO make some assumptions about his wife however --- and i WOULD tell you that to focus on her rather than ACKNOWLEDGE that he LIED to HER and to YOU - is going to make it HARDER for you to move on.
You dont know if his marrieage is as "loveless" as he says, he was lying to and cheating on his wife - what makes you think he wasnt lying to you?
You dont know what his wife wants - if she loves him and is trying --- how devistated she is by this....
all you know is that the act of cheating HAS seemingly destroyed your life.
That SUCKS.
For everyone. I think everyone cheated on feels that way - and can agree that is a torture we can relate to.
His wife relates to it also.
Once again - expressing feelings or trying to work out issues...thats fine. BUT making excuses or attacking the victum of the cheating / the one cheated on ---- there is NO reason to just let that slide by.
If you can REALIZE what you did was wrong - acknowledge it - and are trying to recover from the whole situation...thats good.
If you are looking for a "way out" by geting people here - who were cheated on - to some how give you an inch of understanding based on your EXCUSES - and to put down people who were cheated ON (even if it's ONLY the one involved in YOUR situation) - then you are just perpetuation the destructive behavior.