I think it's wrong to assume all people are bad just because they make a mistake and cheat. I cheated with a man while I'm married and my husband forgave me. He knew before I cheated that I might do it because we had an "open" relationship at the time that he decided later he no longer wanted to have so then I was accused of cheating. ALL situations are different. Not all people cheat in the same way or do it in order to gain something or hurt innocent people.

The man I cheated with told me he was divorced and I found out a few weeks ago he was married the whole time and had lied to me about his wife beating the hell out of him daily and his kids being molested by his wifes new boyfriend. All these things were lies. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me because I fell for his lies but I'm glad that I'm able to talk to my own husband about it all and he forgives me. This man later got back with his wife and had HER call me up a few weeks ago and tell me off for wrecking their marriage when he was the one out there looking for someone to cheat with when I met him. He did it in order to get her to feel sorry for him and take him back when he knew he could never have me.

If some people (men or women) would realize that the person who is stealing your spouse away isn't "always" the guilty one then you would be better off. There are plenty of married men out there telling pretty girls that they are no longer with their wives or separated or whatever just to make themselves seem available. The wives are just in the dark about what their husbands are telling these women in order to get them in the sack.

It DOES go both ways and I don't think the person who cheats OR the person that got cheated on deserves sympathy. I don't think anyone in the relationship is ever perfect.

OK, I wrote this whole reply this morning and it just disappeared, so if you got something that looked like this in your messages or something--sorry..anyway, last night I was thinking about this post as I was drifting off to sleep. I have changed my mind about what I previously said. I am with Barbie and the others. I could understand the spouse of a cheater or the cheater themself of the married couple seeking help, even though there is another community for that, but anyway, a person who is single and is knowingly sleeping with a married person is nuts to expect others to console them!! Yes, you are in fact a "homewrecker" as Barbie put it. In addition, to think that you are so special and that you are "THE ONE" you're kidding yourself. What would possess you to think that the person would never cheat on you if he is cheating in a very bonded marital relationship?? regardless of the circumstances, they'd probably get sick of you too, dontcha think??? I do agree that all circumstances are different, but consoling the nemesis we are struggling with??? discussing maybe, but consoling, never! sorry!

I went through and read all of the comments on this post, since I last posted a comment. I don't really know how to feel about this subject. I agree that someone can be lied to and not know someone was married, there is not fault in that. I just feel that this site is for support in every aspect of life. The name of this room isn't "People who's spouses hav cheated", its infidelity. ALL ASPECTS OF INFIDELITY. I am not saying that I agree with some peoples choices to do what they have done but I am not going to single people out and tell them that they are horrible people. I don't personally understand how a married person or a person involved with a married person can do what they do but that because I am not in that situation...I was the one cheated on. It's not fun but I don't really think its fun for anyone envolved when the shit hits the fan.

AmyS - your analogy of compairing the effects of cheating to that of a drunk driving accident - i never thought of that but it REALLY applies. Of course- no one has died - but i think it is the closest think i can think of that applies
Though with drunk driving- you do not make a concious decision to drunk drive and go out and hit someone.
With an affair--- many times there is plenty of lead-in time to reconsider, anything that happens more than 1ce / a 1 night stand... or more than 1 of those ...thats no accident - its a choice. A pre meditated choice.
Sapphire68 - the whole open relationship thing--- that REALLY does complicate the implications of being with someone else. I think in that case the situation is most in the "grey" area....if it would really be "cheating" at all... It may be more of a lack of comunication or understanding...
But if there is no agreement of an open relationship and there is a commitment (directly stated or implied) --- then there is no black or white. It's cheating. Period. Thats not to say that people who do bad things are bad people...but there are bad things that are done that have direct and life-altering strong negative reprocussions.
In regard to being with someone who is lying about thier "married" or relationship status --- no one can controle what others do or whether or not they are honest to us.
Regardless of the circumstance or reason - it's not the others fault if a person decieves them and lies about thier "single and available" status.
Just like - regadless of the reason...(bad marriage, growing apart..) it is not the others fault if a person decieves them and cheats on them.

Thanks to everyone who ressponded...my post wasn't to say anyone who cheats is bad...esp you sapphire...your situation is different..only to try to give a concrete idea of how it feels to me to be where I am. Just as all people who may cheat are not bad...all of the spouses who are hurt by it are not needy,cold,miserable people. I realize an affair is a fantasy kind of thing...it is not burdened by the trials of everyday life...i dont think my hb's arm was twisted to do what he did...i know he lied to both of us...me and her. I do respect your openess sapphire...good luck to you as you look for your personal solution.

Barbie: No doubt about it - you can take away the word "might" because I can tell you would ABSOLUTELY feel exactly the same way you do. No person (man/woman) would be expected to console the person their spouse cheated with...that's plain nuts. But I'll stop short of wanting to boot them off any type of support they may need (including this site) because as Ashley put it this group deals with all aspects of Infidelity. One wouldn't want to take free methadone clinics away from a junkie if that was part of their support. This is truly the extent of my position and I know in that we are in agreement here. I also agree with you that those who would post and truly BOAST about a steamy affair may not be genuine and instead looking to start a "flaming" debate as it were (ever heard of "trolling" on message boards?). In my experience all the folks I've met on DS seem far to intelligent to succumb to a trolling tactic whose sole purpose it is to get ppl TYPIN' MAD on the forum. All the REAL ppl here regardless of which side of the love triangle they sit on are in need of REAL support and I hope they can find some of it here because they need, deserve and are ultimately entitled to it.
BTW, anyone notice how it says "DailyStrength" with PREVIEW in little letters beside it?? Are they (who owns this site??? I dunno) going to get us all hooked and then turn this into a charge service????

Hey DVM--I noticed the "preview" yesterday...was wondering the very same thing...

I have to say it was the few people with NO remorse that really made me annoyed! Boasting about the hot love affair is not really telling me they want support.It is telling me they want sympathy.
I am not saying that all cheaters are bad or do not deserve to join this site,I realize the name " I am simply noting that the ones that are here to brag....... get lost!!!!

Its been my experience on various message boards that if anyone posts something "controversial" or even in many cases just very assertive they get accused by many of being "trolls"

I for one find it refreshing. A little spirited conversation definitely
gets me going.

as for the title "Homewreckers find another site"

I thought it was cute. Barb is just voicing a strong opinion

Ive always viewed the whole "anybody that isnt wimpy and overly politically correct" being labeled as a troll and their opinions being devalued as aform of subtle censorship.

Evryone State your opinion in anway you see fit

Amen to that! Very well put barbie & midnight!
BTW, if they take this site away from me, I will be like a junkie without his methadone... :(

I agree with Midnight! And in that spirit, I want to say, I welcome the "homewreckers"!

I really do want to hear the other side of the story. I want to understand, mostly because it helps me grow as a person. And I agree with dvmdoc, in that you don't have to console or agree with those on the other side of the situation, but doesn't it at least give you some insight?

Even if that insight is in the form of you becoming completely enraged, well, that is something to learn from, too.

xxoo! the naive grace

QUOTE (Barbie):I have to say it was the few people with NO remorse that really made me annoyed! Boasting about the hot love affair is not really telling me they want support.It is telling me they want sympathy.
I am not saying that all cheaters are bad or do not deserve to join this site,I realize the name " I am simply noting that the ones that are here to brag....... get lost!!!! END QUOTE

Barbie ~ I haven't noticed anyone on these boards boasting about having sex with married men or women. I'm not sure what thread or posts you are referring to. But I think the title INFIDELITY can mean both sides of the story. I feel like those of us that did the cheating should be able to come on here and voice our opinions and get our frustrations out as well. There are no other sites even close to this one where we can just chat with others who did the "cheating" part. I wish there were but there isn't.

It's good for me to come on here and see other men here who have been cheated on by their wives. Even though my husband is very open with me and we talk about everything at this point, it still helps to see it from the other males point of views on here.

I think back on what I did with the man I cheated with and smack myself on the head and say "WHAT THE FRAP WAS I THINKING?" atleast 10 times a day at this point. That's how mind boggling it is for me and I'm the one that chose to do the cheating with no gun put to my head. I chose to meet up with this other man in hotels and parks willingly. I look back now and realize I was stupid for doing so and realize that people were hurt in the process and I was a very selfish person.

Sapphire, no one is judging you here as you have indicated that you are in the process of changing and healing for the cheating on your husband. If you read the whole thread you will see that there is support for folks that cheat that are trying to discover why they did it and heal from it and help heal thouse they hurt. There are a limited few that have cheated that come to brag of their infedelity. For someone like my self its difficult to swallow as there is no end of the pain in sight for me and the blessings of my unborn son and my elder children are about all I have in this world that keep me going.

ok, so Barbie Doll, I'm very sorry that your husband cheated on you but it's not everyone else's fault. everyone is here for support. period. i know you don't believe this but i feel like a victum too. I'm not married but i'm with this married guy who i like a lot. it's not my fault that he came on to me. he's the one who is married and took the vow. i didn't take no fricken vow! I feel bad and all for his wife but obviously they don't have a strong marriage, that's not my fault!! and i'm the homewrecker.... he is. But his home has not been wrecked and for all i know, he'll probably stay with her forever. but if it's not be he's hooking up, it will be someone else. it's sad but true. but I'm a victum because now I can't trust men. i would be scared to death to get married because i know he would cheat. i've had 3 dads at my preschool come on to me. i've slept with 2 of them. men are weak. sorry dudes... not all of you but a lot of you!!!!

Your screen name says it all!! you are a Maniac and one with NO class. Its people like you that need to go else where. Karma is a bitch and I am certain you will get back someday all the morally incorrect escapades you have pulled. Have you heard the term LOOSE ? Sounds like you should join the sex addition site.