Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband cheated approx two and a half years or so ago. I found out a year and a half ago. I forgave him, never once did I question if I should stay.
I came with baggage 17 years ago. Abusive father. Cheating first husband. Major trust issues. My now husband was my friend during the end of my 1st marriage and watched it all, only to do the same thing.
I thought he understood that I had major MAJOR trust issues as well as low self esteem, insecurity issues as well as jealousy. None of them good I admit but its now like I put him in a bubble and he lost contact with everyone he knew. He didnt wake up one day and I was a different person, he knew when he proposed two years into our dating/living together. Please know its not like he went above and beyond to make me overcome my issues. He may think so but.....its obvious he didnt. Because of this Im told I must take some blame in where our relationship is (and I will take 50% up until he cheated) and even some for him giving up his "love child".
He left a month ago after we had words. Called me at work after talking to our children, and told me he packed some things and was leaving me. Told me I found out about the affair a year and a half ago and I shouldnt still be talking about it.
Im pissed off....for many reasons as Im sure you can understand.
Why did he beg me to stay a year and a half ago just to leave?
After he did what he did why am I placed on a time line to heal?
If I need to talk about someting, even the affair, shouldnt he be somewhat responsible for my healing and closure?
Shouldnt he have been doing anything necessary....even if it took 10 years....to get me and our marriage where it needed to be?
Im fairly pissed off that I forgave and dealt with it without ever once thinking of leaving or making him leave. I supported him and did my very best to reassure him things would be OK only for HIM TO LEAVE ME??
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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Were all here with you and in some small way feel your pain.
If you borrowed money from somebody and they forgive your debt. Would you expect them constantly keep telling you that you owe them money?
My husband wouldn’t have stayed if we didn’t work on our marriage to be better together. That means bring up the past and reliving the affair. I didn’t want that to be a part of our new life.
Either way....having an affair and then not telling me for a year....forget about having a child and going to court and all without me knowing. I had a year...just a year. He had already had a year to process, I didnt. If it took me 5 years to get over what he had done, even if I needed to talk about the feelings it may have caused from time to time, I should have been worth the effort. He gave up being "nice" to me just 5 months after he told me...he then returned to his old self.
Discussing the feelings his affair left me with and throwing it in his face are two completely different things.
Lesthanzero..
You are right. I wasnt allowed to show my true feelings. I needed treat lightly at all times because he constantly said he was leaving. I was supposed to suck it up and never talk about it....or show emotion. He had his mother tell me about his affair and then called me to tell me he was leaving and wouldnt give me the time of day to say how I felt. He just raised his voice asking why I was crying.
Calirn13....while I dont think you mean to make me feel more like its my fault you have. I went above and beyond for him. I held HIS hand telling him everything would be OK....I cant do it alone. I should have been worth more then a year.
I am so sorry that you are here and in so much pain. No, you are not placed on a time line to heal. Counseling usually helps and could maybe have helped the both of you. Just because you needed to bring something up about the affair does not mean that you were throwing it in his face. Sometimes affairs cause triggers or thoughts that when spoken should have made him comfort you and ask how he could make it better. Have you tried counseling? If not, maybe it is time to give it a try at least for yourself and give yourself time to heal. Make sure you are caring for yourself, take a walk, eat well, and get plenty of sleep. You will make it through this season of your life. God Bless.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so hard, I know.
As far as how long it takes to get over an infidelity, a famous psychologist said "It takes as long as it takes."
You take all the time you need.
I agree with you that he really should have been showing you these past couple years since you found out, how remorseful he is, how he wants your marriage, reassuring you he isn't cheating anymore, making you feel safe, etc.
Not have his mother tell you, you finding out he cheated and got another girl pregnant and he now has a love child, or call you at work to say he's - leaving. He gets angry when you asked for some affection. He is a coward. Since you know how he really is, think very hard about whether you really want to be with a person who does these kinds of things.
You need to look out for yourself. Do you still want to be married to him? Never mind him, what do YOU want? What do you want for your life? He is not in control here.... you are.
We have no control over what any other person does. We can only control what we do. You have a couple of choices. If you feel this has all been just too much, then see a lawyer and file for divorce. If you want to see if it can work, then make him go to marriage counseling with you.
You are not at fault here. You did nothing wrong. You decide what you want for your life, from this day forward.
Wishing you the best. I know it's so hard.
FOF9303:
I am trying. I just started therapy, only 3 visits thus far. He claims he use to comfort me and it didnt help so he stopped. He comforted me for about 5 months and then I was just supposed to know things. Im not eating or sleeping much. Im just spending time with my children and hoping to make it out of this "funk".
Thank you all for the comforting words....
I agree with CaliRN. I know you don't want to hear it, but think of it this way: if you truly had forgiven him, you wouldn't need to bring up the affair. It sounds like you still needed to dig through and rebuild before you truly could forgive him.
It shouldn't take you ten years to get over an affair. Yes, I know everyone heals in their own time and everyone has their own path to recovery, but if you hadn't seen any real progress after a year and a half it was well past time to seek professional help or to part ways.
I'm glad to hear you're in therapy. I suspect you'll get far more from that than you ever could your husband. No matter how awesome (or terrible) he is/was, your happiness, security, and wellbeing have to start with you.