While posting I just seen about your aunt. I'm so sorry to hear this, not what you needed. Always here if you need to talk or rant x

AngryP,

So sorry to hear about your Aunt. That really is awful news, especially on top of everything else. In this time when your spouse would normally be there to support you, she is the one who's left you in this turmoil.

I'm familiar with catchphrase as well, seeing as though I live in England. So if you use common English sayings, I'll know what you mean.

One thing I often read is when a CS says "how can you throw away C years of marriage and break up our family" . I just think, how dare you, when you stepped out of this marriage. It's just their refusal to accept responsibility.

Your poor niece in law, being subjected to thar horrible behaviour because of your wife. It's so hard with the details of an affair, because once you know them, you can't unknow them, but forgiving and reconciling with a CS, without knowing the full story is a big ask.

Its been a very bad day tbh with all that's going on and now I have no mobile phone as the pc numb nuts that came to take my statement about all this has taken it as evidence instead of me sending them the pics and other stuff like my cs and her neice did so I cant even keep in contact with friends and family about my aunt. except via facebook where the scumbag om has even sent me messages on there and then blocked me so I cant block him I AM FUMING! Not a good day in my shoes. Oh and if that's not bad enough the cs was round here earlier (before I got the news about my aunt) and had a go at me saying she feels awkward and not welcome in my home WTF!

She was upset saying the kids didn't wanna know her today as they were doing other stuff eg Ipad and 1 was watching cartoons and making out that was my fault and even asked if I was trying to turn them against her! I tried explaining that is there normal behaviour at around that time of day as she never noticed before because she would've been at work till nearly there bed time anyway. She seams to think that because she doesn't live here anymore that we should be happy when she is here. at the min she speaks to them daily on face time and sees them every other day they are not used to seeing her in long periods of time through the day because of her work routine , she used to work 3-4 evenings a week plus sundays and then she got a new job to spend more time with them but was only really taking them to school or putting them to bed.

She did try being supportive when I told her about my aunt but I pretty much told her to jog on.

Back again with another update I am finding it easier to smile today, now anyway. My cs messaged me to say she was getting angry with a couple of her own family members and could we talk so me being me said yeah why not,( big mistake ) so she rings me up and it all started calmly for a few minutes and then bang all hell brakes loose in my ear yelling, ranting and crying so I calmly ask her to calm down, which then turned into her telling me who can come in my house and visit our children, I wasn't having any of it I told her you lost the ability to make them decisions the moment you stepped out of our marriage. And then the threats started you will listen to me or else! It then turned into a blazing argument for 1.5 hrs. Accusing me of not getting the kids to ring her daily( when she has never asked for this), they didn't face time her today I took the ipad away from them because they wouldn't stop fighting and telling tales on each other. Anyway to cut a long story a little bit shorter the argument ended with her threatening to do her self harm, tears the lot "everyone would be better of without me" "everybody hates me" "im all alone" and the best one " I've lost everything". Probably not my finest moment of being a human being but to this I replied very calmly "ok let me know how that pans out for you". She hung up the phone.

I was worried for her even though I didn't think she wouldn't do anything silly so I messaged her friend who she is staying with just to keep an eye on her.
Her friend messaged me back saying she would and that my cs has hit rock bottom and that she is a mess due to missing the kids, me and our family home to which I feel like I have a default answer to this at the moment which is you gambled with our lives and you lost!
She says she owns what she's done but I don't think she does, Whenever we talk about why she done this she just keeps saying its not black and white, I didn't feel appreciated for everything I done you wasn't the perfect husband and I own up to that I could've been a better husband but the fact remains it wasn't me that chose to sneak around with someone else and lie to your family for almost a year.
I asked her today what did you think was going to happen when I found out? her response... I don't know. my response to that was.. well now you do!

I think in her twisted way that she thought that she could end it with the om and I would be none the wiser of it ever happening. Maybe that would've been ok but im glad I know, I am aware of what she is capable of now the lies and deceit. She is not the same woman I married and definatly not the woman I fell in love with. She also says things like it was like watching myself on self destruct but couldn't stop it.

We spoke again this evening and she apologised for her behaviour today on the phone. I have also told her own what you've done and seek professional help(counselling). I ended tonights brief meeting with her by telling her to start seriously sorting herself out (she isn't eating properly I can tell) and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do still care and love you and even if the marriage isn't fixable that I don't like seeing you like this. She hugged me and I kissed the top of her head and told her to take care.

Now im worried that it may of given her false hope.

Reading back through this I don't know why Ive been smiling but oh well I have and I like the way it makes me feel.

WOW some more truth came out today.

My cs took the kids to her friends house today so she didn't feel awkward around the house even though I was out visiting my ill aunt. They had a great time playing with the other kids and meeting their new addition to the family, he is less than a week old, the friend sent me some pics of my 2 holding the new baby (so cute).

While they was out I was searching through some draws and found my cs old mobile so I thought sod it ill have a look through it and BANG I found pictures of my cs and om on it so when she came back with the kids I asked if I could talk to her up stairs and as soon as we got into my bedroom I started quizzing her about it all I tried explaining that I was closer to believing om time line than hers and it turns out I was right to, her 8 months story is complete bs!.

It turns out that when I found the emails 2 years ago she had stopped contact for a month maybe two, He started messaging her again and they carried on from where they left off just emails to start with and then they arranged for him to come to our town and stay in a travel lodge over night and she would drop the kids off at school and then go there and meet him for the day/morning and this dates back to December 2013, they carried it on doing this for a few months and then she decided to end it as she was having second thoughts and the distance was becoming a problem so they called it a day on there affair. om then moved to our town to be closer to some family he has on the outskirts of town and contacted her to say ive moved here and then they carried on their sordid affair.

I hadn't completely made my mind up about divorce I was close to it but everyone keeps telling me to take my time and make sure its for the best. I asked her why keep lying to me and everyone else that's trying to help you? I got the usual I don't know! To me that is not a answer! especially for an adult that's been caught lying and deceiving again.
I gave her the phone told her to go away look at it and decide if you are going to keep lying to your friends that are standing by you and trying to help.
After she left I made the decision for her and rang her friends that she had given the same bs story to and told them what she had just told me. Don't know how that's going to help me but I felt better for doing it, so they know not to trust the stories she has been feeding them.

I have made my decision now and when me and the kids get back from our trip I will be pushing forward with the divorce. That is not someone I want to waste anymore of my life on. She will always be part of my life because of the kids but that is where it will end. A guy I have never met is more willing to be more honest with me than a women I have been with for almost half of my life. I was RAGING to start with (hence ringing her friends).

Now I've calmed down I know im making the best decision for me and my family I don't need someone that I have to prize the truth out of.

I deserve better than that!
The kids deserve better than that!

Please feel free to tell me im wrong but I need to look to a future that is honest loyal and trustworthy and that doesn't include her!

AngryP,

Thanks for the updates. Things have bee really busy with you. One of the things cheaters tend to lie about is the length of the affair. I though you knew it was 2 years and not the 8 months she said. I'm sure the deceit is so very painful.

She really needs to get herself some help, but you can't be her support after she's betrayed you like this. I never understand why CSs just keep saying 'they don't know' why they did it. Quite simply they did it because they wanted to, because they think they can get away with it and because they are selfish. it's not more complicated than that.

What you get afterwards is more tremendous regret about being caught than remorse. Everyone's world has been turned upside down and they act lie 'woe is me'. There seems to be a view that their spouse loves them so much and would never leave even if they find out.

One guy I know said prior to discovering his wife's affair, he spoke about a co-worker who divorced his wife because she cheated and his wife looked shocked. She then said to him, but you'd give me another chance if I had an affair right? he told her as much as he loved her, he would leave if she had an affair.

He finds out a couple of months later by planting a VAR in her car that she was having an affair. She then said after reading lots of infidelity websites 'the husbands always forgive'. Unfortunately, his friend wasn't one of them and he filed the very next day.

It's not your responsibility to get the kids to call her, she can call them at an agreed time before they go to bed.

So sorry that the OM sent you messages on FB. Was he telling you more about the affair or just being nasty? I hope he hasn't made any more threats.

No affairs are good, but sometimes the depth of the betrayal, length of the affair, things like racy photos and the affair partner being a total psycho just make it almost impossible to even contemplate reconciliation.

As much as it hurts, you're no longer in the dark and you have the information at hand. Anything else is like living a false life, with you being in the dark.

You will need time, especially with other things going on like your sick Aunt and the police matter, but slowly by slowly things will improve. If you need counselling yourself, please seek help. if your employers have an EAP service make use of it otherwise see your GP.

Have a good break with the kids and enjoy them. It must be hard having to be strong for them, but you seem like a great dad. Don't let your wife try and put this on you.

Do take care

As much as this sort of thing hurts, I honestly think you're making the right decision. It is more clear each time you update, she's still not accepted or seen the whole magnitude of what she's done. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but much of what she says and does are classic manipulation tactics:
blame shifting onto you - how it's "not" her fault she cheated
gaslighting - telling you things are black when you know they are white and so forth, trying to make you think your perception of reality is "off"
trickle truth - only admitting things in small trickles, only when she absolutely has to, etc
even the threatening to harm herself if you don't give her her own way, it's a classic manipulative tactic (for some, not saying suicide is not a real concern for others).

Not that my opinion matters of course, but as someone who's lived through a lot of what you're describing, I honestly think you're making the right decision. If you want to read anymore about classic cheater tactics and mind games, or if you just want more support, I suggest you check out the Chump Lady website http://www.chumplady.com
She's got some real first hand insight, and honestly your CS sounds like she's reading right from the cheater's playbook.
Big hugs and lots of strength to you during this tough time. You are stronger than you know.
((((HUGS))))

Again thank you for the advice and your kind words, at times like this you tend to forget that there are good people in the world and slowly but surely you lot on here are showing me that there is. I am gaining more and more strength daily through this site and my children. Some days I feel I have less support in real world(not web world) but them days I look at my self and stand tall knowing I didn't cause this, I am not at fault for her character flaws, She did this and she lost. I have great kids that are smart and funny(obviously traits from their dad lol) and a clear path to head down now so raise a glass to the future.

Time to start looking forward at the great adventure that is the rest of my life.

Almost forgot "HUGS" to you all

Ive just read through much of your story. It is very early on in this process for you so it's hard to make sense out of any of it. But then again can we ever make sense out of nonsense?

I won't say divorce is the wrong choice. Its your choice to make. Divorce and rebuilding are both painful and difficult decisions to make. Both come with their own rewards. If you feel this strongly then go for it. My concern for you is that you seem very confused and very emotionally all over the place (very normal btw) and that isn't always a good time to decide to stay or go.

Maybe decide to just "be". Be you and be a dad. Take careof yourself and your kids. Don't worry about her for the moment. Take some space to breath. The common time frame suggested before making the move to divorce is about 6 months. But if your feel sure of the decision I can understand not wanting to waste that time.


If you decide at some point that you do want to see if you can work on things divorce can be put on hold.

As for that sum she was with? He was not being honest to be decent to you so I wouldn't compare his honesty with her dishonesty. He was being honest to hurt and destroy her and those she loved. She was being dishonest to avoid hurting herself and those she loved.

Im not defending her lies just explaining that chances are she couldn't bare to inflict further pain. Fucked up logic I know. Ive gained a lot of insight over the years from getting to know many cs her on ds. One thing that they (most not all) have in common is fear of seeing their bs in pain and the fact that they too suffer from this mess they created.

Hello PinkPony

I don't think the om was trying to hurt her as he has tried emailing her from his sons email account saying that he misses her. He has also tried contacting her through her old facebook account that she has blocked him on. I think he was trying to hurt me so I leave and he can walk into a loving relationship with her and who knows maybe my kids too. I am confused, angry and upset with the new truths that came out, mainly because I think I wanted to believe her, Its as if I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either.

Me and the kids went shopping today for stuff for our trip away and then visited some relatives, Since being home I feel very empty and lonely. I am struggling to keep it out of my head today which I believe is due to new truths coming out.

I was feeling better this evening until I have just been informed that the low life scum bag( om ) has been sending out friends requests again on facebook from the account he made to show my friends family and work colleague's that he and my wife have been having an affair! I am absolutely raging its not bad enough that they tore my world apart by doing it he is determined to show the world, If it wasn't for my kids I would be burying an axe in his forehead!

Its so shit I feel powerless and spineless for doing nothing.

Just have to keep telling myself think of the kids but its getting to the point where Im worried ill snap!

You're taking a trip?? Will do you and the girls good . Time to get away and reflect

You should stop looking for what or if the om sends anything that's not healthy.
So he's sending a few fb requests to can't stop that he wants a reply
Pink pony might be right. Divorce is so final. Try being separated for a while and see how that goes

the stuff about hiding the truth. Can understand why. Maybe she'd already told you enough and the whole truth would break you completely and you'd never try again.

Hes sounds like a wack job. How do you know he's requesting these people? I know right now your probably feeling like a fool. At least I know I did at first. That will pass. My situation was complicated.

I found out about my H A after I separated and was seeking divorce. I suppose he fessed up because what was left to lose? He confirmed my suspicions from years earlier that he hadan A.

What I wasn't expecting was that a 7 year old child existed because of it. I agreed to give the marriage rebuilding a shot. It was not easy and I wanted to jump ship many times. The was a point where I kept the physical separation going because I thought "if I don't show im taking at least 1 year to work through this, I am a fool".

It turned out to be the best idea because about 10 months into rebuilding I had some major doubts about wanting to work in my marriage and felt emotionally crippled.

It took over a year to let him move back in. That was almost 4 years ago. We continue to be a work in progress.

PinkPony.... I know when he sends them because people message me telling me they have received a friends request from some guy and his profile and background pic is him in bed with my cs.

KittyKat... Surely if I don't have all the truths and facts your rebuilding on more lies and dishonesty and that's not a good foundation to build on im my opinion.

I am thinking about deleting facebook, I am getting fed up with it all and my wife keeps putting things up that hint at our situation and im one of those people I don't think you should air your dirty laundry in public. Its as if she is trying to drum up support for herself and it hurts when you see so many likes to some of the things she puts up, I know that 90% of the people liking it have no clue as to whats gone on but it still stings, Maybe this is turning me bitter in the last few days but we go away soon so hopefully that will help clear my mind. My cs is looking after the house and pets while we are away so she can pack her stuff up but cant get it out of my head that she wont leave when we come back, she has promised me she will but she promised me she would be faithful and never do anything to put our family at risk and look how that turned out!