I have no intention of not letting her see them it was just too soon for me (24hrs since she went) she has seen them this morning. She came round to collect some stuff and walked half way to school with us. It was so hard trying to play it cool when im around her and not shout and rant or call her names (I know how childish that is). Im not 100% sure yet but I do believe the marriage is over.
she still thinks that I will calm down and take her back but when im going thru my occasional calm moment that's when I can see me rebuilding without her. She will always be part of my life because of the kids and no matter how much she has hurt me they need to see there mum.
My parents came around yesterday evening which was really hard to tell them what's going on but after I did I completely crashed in front of them and broke down which was the first time the meltdown lasted more than a few minutes but it really helped talking to someone that could hold me and be strong for me.

For some people infidelity is an instant deal breaker and that may be the case for you. The lies and deceit thst come with an affair really are terrible.

I believe a cheating spouse needs to face consequences fir their actions. Exposure dampens an affair. Without the sneaking around, the affair isn't quite so exciting any more.
Tell your wife's family what she's done. Many unfaithful spouses minimise their affair or actually say the other spouse had the affair.

The affair breaks the trust you once had and fully restoring that doesn't really happen. You never quite truly like you once did.

Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to get an idea of how things would be for you.

Some questions so I czn advice further.


Does your wife work?
Would you get joint custody?


If you think you would like to reconcile give it time. Your wife needs to do the heavy lifting and you need questions answered. There's more for reconciliation, but I'll wait till you say you want this.

Did she confess or did you find out?
How do you know it was 8 months? Because you can't believe what she says.


What excuses has she given for the affair?
Does she want the marriage?
Was it also an emotional affair?
Is the other man married? If so does his wife know? If not you need to tell her.
Is the OM a coworker?

How old are your kids?

You need to get tested for stds.

Just know its not your fault. Cheating is selfish and disrespectful. When you trust, thete isn't a reason to be suspicious. Some people have been in LTAs (long term affairs) of up to 20 years and their spouse never knew.

It is the ultimate betrsyal, but couples can get thought it. It depends on a number of things.

You don't have to reconcile as you have suffered the ultimate betrayal and it might not be possible. Keep posting.

Sorry for your pain,

Of course no one here can tell you what to do, and I am not trying to do that. However, 2 statements really stood out to me in your last update:

1) "She still thinks that I will calm down and take her back"
Perhaps you are paraphrasing here, and I don't mean to imply that I know the full extent of that condo. However, it's a huge red flag to me that she thinks you will "calm down" and "take her back." You have every reason in the world not to be "calm." You DON'T need to calm down. Your feelings are perfectly spot-on valid. SHE needs to realize that what she's done is the ultimate betrayal and cheating changes things forever. Also, the fact that this statement makes it seem to me that she feels entitled to your forgiveness and continued marriage. That also screams to me that she's not owning what she did and how devastating it is. You aren't required to stay with her. And if you don't stay with her, it's well justified, given her behavior. It makes me worry she'd just do it again, honestly, as it sounds pretty unrepentant and ignorant of her need to change. Just my 2 cents, as a betrayed spouse, who's husband begged for forgiveness but showed me no real change at all and he gave up on reconciliation after 3 months because I "still hadn't forgiven" him and wasn't "over it yet." After a mere 3 months..

2) "When im going thru my occasional calm moment that's when I can see me rebuilding without her"
I think this is very telling of what your gut knows you want to do.
And it's ok! It's more than ok actually. It's very justified.
Sometimes our gut knows how things are going to play out if we continue down a certain road.

Either way, regardless of the path you chose, we're here for you, and there are people that have chosen each path straight away, and those who've done a little of both.
(((HUGS)))

How did you find out?

I want to start this one by saying a massive THANK YOU to all of you that have given me feedback, hugs and support its been quite overwhelming at times during the last few days.

Today is my wedding anniversary (which stings like a frozen blade in my back).

The kids have gone to my parents for a sleepover so she can come round and talk to me about where my head is at and to find out what we both want and where we go from here. Im still very confused about my feelings towards her.

I am interested to find out who she has told and the degree of truth she has told them.

After the meeting between us Im hoping to be in a better place to answer your questions because im hoping to have more answers myself I've been writing questions down all week so I didn't forget them.

I was going to tell her family and friends what she has done. I know I shouldn't but I still feel a little ashamed that this has happened to me.

Yesterday was the day we were getting together to talk she was very convincing that she wanted to get back together and it was also our 9 year wedding anniversary............that's where is stopped being happy because after we spoke and she promised on our children's lives that what she had told me was the truth and there was nothing more to tell I received about 10 snap chats/photos from the om of him and my cs (clothed and having sex) and he told me that this wasn't the first time she had done this and he mentioned names only she could of told him and it also sounds like he has met my kids.
oh and I don't even need to tell any of my or her family and friends because he started a new facebook account my pictures of them 2 together and sent friends requests to everyone we know from people she works with to the other parents at my kids school.
She has really messed up all of our lives
I just want to smash both there faces in with a hammer (sorry so so so angry and upset).
OH and it looks like its been going on for about 2 years not 8 months as she told me.
I think it is safe to say this marriage will not have a happy ending

I have kept the emails and screen shot the snap chats as evidence for the divorce

Did your wife confess, or did you find out another way? Right now, it sounds like OM feels spited in some way, and is doing everything he can to ensure he destroys your marriage completely. Are you entirely sure you don't want to salvage your marriage, there is no saving it? Understandable if that's the way you feel, but I hope you can block out this sleazy lowlife piece of selfish garbage from swaying your decision. If she confessed to you, just my two cents, but that's a huge step that it seems most CSs are unwilling to take in order to try to get their marriage back on track.

she only told me after I found an email and got her to reply and she pretended she knew nothing about the email I found and continued to lie even when he was sending stuff back until he sent a picture of him and her and she just stood there and said oh shit and then proceeded to tell me half truths.
So you can see why im struggling to believe her she has gone to the police today I just hope she tells them the whole truth!

There has been too much lying and deception and im now concerned over the safety of my kids as he seems to be a bit of a fruit loop

Angryp,

I'm so sorry she's telling these lies, it's known as CYA (cover your a**).
You can't reconcile with an unremorseful spouse, who has the gall to introduce her OM to your children. That's up there on the list of total disrespect for you.

If you are still inclined to reconcile, do this. Tell her you want her to write a timeline of the affair from the start, how they met, when they first slept together etc.., . This doesn't mean you will accept everything, but you tell her if you find out anything she hasn't tikd you, that you'll divorce her.

Is the OM married ?
Does your wife's family know the extent if the affair ?

There is a lot you still don't know and it's not possible to make a decision without all the facts.

I think she has told the OM some lies and future faked him, hence he is so angry now.

She wants the marriage ...what is she prepared to do to try and make amends? To try and earn your trust back.?

Please understand this is NOT YOUR fault. Your wife has been selfish and irresponsible. Please get tested for stds. You don't know what she's exposed you to, they barely ever use protection, especially in a Long term affair. You should not sleep with her until she has been tested and you've seen the clear results.

I suggest you have a consultation with a divorce lawyer. See how things would look for you.

Your wife has risked the stability of your children by engaging in this affair. You didn't desrve this and you have no shame, that's on your wife.

You need the truth and you can't move forward without it,mat least not in the direction of reconciliation. Your anger is to be expected , but be careful she doesn't use this as an excuse to keep lying, because she feels unsafe with your anger.

Keep posting and the advice will keep coming.

Take care of yourself

Did the OM send those same pictures to family members and people at the school?


It seems she made some promises to him, you need to ask her what she said to him and what she said about you and your marriage, because she definetly said something.

How can you believe anything that she says after swearing on the kids lives. Unfortunately in order to cheat, you have to lie and unless confronted with proof, then a cheater will deny, deny and deny again.

Hi moniren I will start at the very beginning about 2 years or so ago my cs joined a group much like this but for grief as she was struggling with the loss of her mother I tried to be there for her but she just would not grieve and she started talking to some guy who had lost his dad and wife recently(at that time). She didn't tell me about the site or the conversations which they had. They then went to emails to each other and one night I came to bed and she had fallen asleep with her phone in her hand so I put it on the bed side table and the screen lit up and I seen a lot of emails I wasn't happy with the content so I confronted her in the morning before work when I returned from work the only email remaining was the last one which was him saying he loved her and if circumstances were different they could be together to this she said there were other emails but she deleted them by mistake and nothing was going on, so she showed me an email she had sent back saying she was in a loving marriage and she didn't know where he was getting the idea that they could be together from and to not contact her again. So I asked a lot of questions about him and she proceeded to tell me he lives in south Africa they got talking on a site like this and moved on to emails, she said she was only talking to him to help her get over the grief from her mum and it had worked which I was pleased that she had someone to talk to as she said we were too close and she found it easier to talk to a complete stranger which hurt my feelings but if it helped with the grief I was ok with that as she did seem happier, then about a month later I had a few concerns phone never left unattended or when sleeping it was under her pillow so I checked his facebook profile and he had tagged himself in our local area 2 weeks previous to me checking and 1 of the places he had tagged himself in was a restaurant where she worked on a night she was working so alarm bells are ringing so I quizzed her about this and she got very defensive and didn't answer my questions properly and then stormed out to work when she arrived home I was straight on her with the questions again but was not letting go this time. She then told me that he did live in south Africa but know lives in surrey, uk, but has family were we are from so while visiting them he thought he would pop in to her work to say hi and meet face to face (my reaction to this was not my calmest). I told her I didn't understand why she didn't just tell me he had been in if she had nothing to hide. We made a agreement that her phone would not be under her pillow if I had suspicions that she would hand over her phone for me to check whenever I asked without complaining this she did for a month or two and then the phone was starting to go back under the pillow so I confronted her about this and she said it was only there because every time the kids came in in the night she would bang her hand/arm off the table checking the time so I asked to check it and all hell broke loose massive argument in front of the kids her shouting if you don't trust me then leave! I was not about to lose my home and my kids over a inkling. I thought wait until she leaves it somewhere and then look. She then went to the shop to get some lunch stuff for us all and to have a few minutes apart to calm us both down except I didn't calm down I got worse thinking she could be deleting any evidence I may find, when she came back in I snatched her phone out of her hand and began searching all while shouting at each other I found nothing and explained that I had concerns that she only went to the shop to delete evidence. she calmed me down by telling me that she would never do anything to put our family at risk, that she loved me and that she should of let me look thru her phone and again I was short of evidence to prove otherwise. I told her that I was worried for our marriage and family so I told her that if she puts our family/future at risk again It would end our lives together.
looking back over this I was very nave or just didn't want to admit to myself I was right and lose my kids, home and wife over suspicions.

As it would turn out 18 months later(12 months ago) he sent her an email in june saying guess whos moving to your town to be with his family that live here. she ignored it (or so she says) but then early November last year he went into the restaurant and told her that he moved here partly for his family and partly to see if there was anything between them because he thought there might be due to the previous contact they had shared via emails.
Instead of saying sorry I am married and I love my family very much so please refrain from contacting me, she said she was taken back by his comments of him moving back for her and didn't know what to say so she smiled awkwardly and went back to work. he started going in there 2-3 times a week and that is apparently when my so called loving wife and mother to my children started having an affair.

Me and my cs spoke today after she had been to see the police. I asked a few questions about the pictures I received from him of the two of them and ones that she had sent via whats app and snap chat when I found out about the affair she said she only ever sent him 1 pic and never had contact with him while she was in our family home. All of which was more lies and I had the evidence to prove it she then said that she couldn't remember how many she had sent and of what content.

I told her today that our marriage is over I want a divorce and that under no circumstances is she moving back into the house. Far too many lies and way too much deception for this to ever be rebuilt or start fresh.
We sat the kids down and told them mummy and daddy are not friends anymore and cannot continue living together. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. The youngest (5 next month) doesn't really have a clue whats going on and just asked for more crisps and the eldest (7) broke down in tears and hugged me so tight I didn't want to let go. It did feel a big relief to say its over and tell the children. it was as if I found peace somewhere in my mixed up emotions.

Only time will tell if I have made the right decision.

He sent some of the pics he sent me to my cs 20year old niece but not sure about the parents of the kids class mates as yesterday was there last day for 6 weeks and none of them has messaged me or the cs on facebook or otherwise so they could not know what to say, not looked at the profile pics or not received them. Bit of a head fuck really

AngryP,

Thanks for giving me the backstory. That's just an amazing story. I think she gave him encouragement to come to England and that's why he got angry and sent those pics after she hadn't made any moves to be with him full time. It was an act of revenge and done to ensure that you wouldn't want your wife after seeing them. He's a sleezebag and not worth the time of day for you.

I heard a similar story, where the OM sent x-rated pics to the betrayed husband after he told the OMs wife about the affair.

Your wife likely promised him a future and she's not delivering, so he's feeling messed around. I'm so sorry that you've been betrayed like this. Your wife should have shut this guy down much earlier, but I don't believe her version of events is totally accurate, but it doesn't matter as your getting divorced.

With the children, please let them know you both love them very much and you both always will. Sometimes kids blames them the self for things they don't fully understand. The kids need to know you'll both be there for them. When they are a lot older, you can decide if you want to tell them more.

Right now, they need to feel safe and secure. It's a huge burden for kids that young to know theirs parents don't like each other. It's hard to tell them you're splitting up, but always have their interest at the forefront of what you do.

The level of deception for your wife is typical cheater behaviour. She crossed a line and it doesn't look like she had any intention of stopping. I've a feeling the OM was pushing her to leave you, as she probably said she would.

You deserve better than this. You can divorce immeadiately as there has been infidelity, no two year waiting period.

One piece of advice is that you should never let her actions ruin your chance of happiness. She has lied over and over again. She had gaslighted you for over a year. That means, she's been meaning you think you're going mad and being paranoid or jealous over nothing.

Now you know you were right all along. She risked your children's happiness by having and EA, the. A PA. So you know, that a lot of times she said she was working, were probably lies.

Prepare yourself for a life without her. I know how angry and betrayed you must be feeling, but focus on yourself and the kids. Communication with your wife, should now be just for matters relating to the divorce, your children and other essential household matters.

She's really destroyed things, but remember she's the mother of your kids. The best revenge, is you moving on and living a very happy life without her. Don't let her get away with thinking she's all that and then some.

Circulating those pics is illegal and I would be concerned for your children's safety. Your wife has told him way too much about your family. Inform the school, to not let anyone apart from you or your wife pick the kids up from school.

The disrespect and deceit is really too much here. Added to the fact that you still haven't got the whole truth. How did he know where she worked? She gave him the green light to continue contact and that email she showed you that she sent him, was only sent so she could make you think she wasn't reciporacating the love from the OM.

Why would he come and see her, then say he was moving to see if there was anything between them if that email was genuine. She obviously contacted him to tell him to ignore that email.

With this crazy OM too much damage had been caused and this is the result of stepping out of your marriage. She's brought this on you all, so sorry for you and the kids.