i've been in your shoes
absolutely brutal, i didn't confide in anyone about the affair, not good to keep it all bottled in
one thing that helped me was, the kiddos, i could wallow in doubt and sadness but i had to pull it together in order to be their father
regardless of what you want for the marriage, or the kook out wife,
you be your kids father

I am so sorry that you are going this. What you are dealing with is a death of what was your marriage. What you choose to do next will not be clear until you grieve for what was. The first few days are going to be hell. May I suggest that is go to seek counseling for your self. Find someone who can help you through this. I had some friends that were great support but finding someone who has an unbiased option will help. This group is also great for support so that is a good start. As a mother of 2 girls I needed to find the strength to be strong for them and fall apart when I went to bed. ((hugs))

I keep getting bursts of rage build up inside me when this happens I sweat from head to toe until I calm down is this normal and will it fade with time

What I suggest is find away to let that rage out. Exercise I hear is a good way to release rage. There is not right or wrong way but remember to stay strong for your kids. For me I had a journal and wrote down all the anger and well whatever I was feeling. My therapist gave me a stress ball to handle when the rage hit me.

My wife has now gone to stay with a family friend for a few days so hopefully I can start to get my head around things and look to what could be a future if she is part of that or not.
(should I be writing this in my journal as im just blurting out what's going thru my confused brain or is it ok in this page).
(Thank you for the hugs Juneday it made me emotional but smile at the same time)

It's been 8+ months I still journal, it helps not scream at my H. Even though we are rebuilding I still have have those angry days I have to write al that crap down. If not rebuilding would be much more difficult.
Good luck, there are many people here that have gone through what you are. Need anything just ask.

You will find support here. you can write here or your journal. That is what support group is for. Like calirn13 said we have all been there. We all may be at different stages if infidelity we can give support and advice.

Sorry that you find yourself in this horrible situation. This is a good place for you to be, although no one wants to "need to" be here. DS saved my sanity more than once in the 20 months since I first discovered my now-EX husband's affairs (yep, more than one!), divorce was final earlier this month.

I can relate to a lot of what you described in your post:
We had a 9 month old baby at the time. He lied to my face for months and months. He even lied to my face as I confronted him with cold hard evidence. I had all of those feelings, "how could I not have noticed?, what did I do to deserve this? how could he do this to our little family???"

Just know that you aren't alone. It's hard at first to know what you want to do. Be gentle with yourself, remember to breathe, take it one day (or hour) at a time. And post here as often as you want. You can post in your journal, but if you feel you want feedback, then post publicly on the boards or make your journal public. There's no right or wrong, you tell us when you need to vent, need advice, need support.
Big Big hugs to you.

I cant stop looking inside me at my faults/flaws for a reason why this happened. I keep hearing from the 1 close friend I've told that its her fault not mine which I want to believe but at this point in time im struggling to. I've always had fragile self esteem anyway as I was bullied through my school years. im going to see a doctor tomorrow to get some advice on a councillor. I looked thru my phone at some pictures this morning from when I thought we were happy and the dates coincide with her affair I cant understand how someone can live 2 different lives like this for so long and not tell anyone as she has promised me none of her/our friends knew which im finding had to believe is it possible that she could deceive everyone not just me for so long
(thank you all for your kind words and support so far I think it really is helping with keeping me stable)

Since you seem to be looking to place some blame on yourself for your W's cheating, and are struggling with that, maybe if you think of it this way you will be able to understand how YOU were in no way responsible for your W's cheating---

Nobody, no matter what the problems in a relationship, is responsible for their spouse/partner's choice to cheat. Another way of saying this is that you cannot assume the responsibility for your W's bad behavior. She made that choice, not you. Cheating is a poor way to deal with relationship problems. She used very poor judgment. You did nothing wrong in this respect. Again, nobody is responsible for another person's bad behavior.

Also, how could she live a double life?
Read up on or watch some YouTube videos about Dopamine and flame addiction. Two very real things--they do not excuse bad behavior, but can explain things and increase understanding.

I have been on the receiving end of this type of thing too, so I understand how you are feeling, and I wish you well.

I know! How can people having an affair be so convincing to so many people? Almost like their conscience took a furlough. I still can't wrap my head around my CS's duplicity. That's where a lot of the mental anguish and uncertainty about what to do becomes so conflicting. What is true? What are the lies? Hang in there. Journaling here and/or at home is a good way to vent. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Look, no one is perfect. Did you make mistakes in the marriage? YES. So did she...the difference is that she CHOSE to step outside the marriage instead of living real life in real time. You didn't make her have an affair. That is a personal choice. Even if she plays the blame game, know that she's probably trying to convince herself of the "justification" of her affair. DON'T ACCEPT IT!!! You can use this time to evaluate yourself. Who are you and what can of person, husband, father have I been? How can I improve myself? This self-reflection is for you--not her. And, certainly not to excuse or justify her actions. Let this be a time of self-examination and growth for you, to get closer to your personal and life goals. If there are things that need to change, change them. But change for YOU, not HER. Make changes to make yourself better/more whole--not because there is anything you can do to change her behavior or make her be a better wife--that is on HER. At the end of the day, who she is and what kind of wife/mother she wants to be is her decision. If you both want to reconcile, do so. If not, move forward. These are things I wish I had been told...things I need to accept and do for myself. We here are all on this rocky road. You have support. (((hugs)))

Thank you overwhelmed, Today has been the worst day so far I've been trying to keep busy and push on but had a few wobbles where I had to compose myself whilst out at the local supermarket, Also the kids have been crying as they miss there mum asking when she is coming home we have told them that she has gone to help look after a friend that isn't very well,( REALLY REALLY hate lying to them as that lies have put us in this position).
They spoke to her this morning on face time on the Ipad which I had to leave the room as I couldn't stand to see her or listen to the voice that betrayed us. She has also messaged me saying she wanted to see the kids which I would not stop but she has only been out of the house for 24hrs and we got into an argument over text because I said I need more time/space before I see her again. I understand that she is missing them like crazy as I would. She thinks im being unfair, so I told her that I don't want to sound harsh or nasty but deal with the consequences of your actions.
How can I get my head thinking clearly if I cant even get 24hrs without seeing or hearing her.
Was I out of order saying no?

Yes and no. She is a horrible example for your kids, and you don't need to see her, but your kids still need to see their mother (and you don't want them resenting you for not making that happen). Look at options to set up visitation with her.

Is there a family member who can help with the handoff with the kids? How old are they? What's your wife's plan? Work on marriage or blow it up completely? Personally I would be finished if I was you, my ex wife cheated after 24 years so that was that.

You need to be strong for the kids and its gonna take a long time before you can communicate with her without the feelings. I'm 16
Months post split and choose to keep any communication text or email. It gets better but it's a slow long slog. Take care, keep posting if it helps it helped me a lot in the beginning and still does, the support here is amazing.

I have/ had those same thoughts... My biggest issue is nobody can give me dates this took place much less what exact year.. OW #1 and my CS can't answer this question. So I am left with so many unanswered questions... What was I not doing? What was I doing to drive him away.
I have come to the conclusion ... It is opportunity and circumstance. My H 45+ being flirted with by a 21 yr old ... repeatedly. Why not who's gonna find out ... Oh yeah, eventually his W.
I am so sorry this has happened.
She did this, if there were problems she could have come to you. Mine could have come to me. There was nothing wrong, that extra attention from someone else. It's exciting... Too bad they had to tarnish the relationship they had to do it.