It generally takes a few months to reduce the lows you will go through, just like any significant trauma or loss.

Your husband has weak character and is unable to resist temptation. There would also be a sense of entitlement and childish selfishness about him. His sense of what love is likely is childish as well.

It is important that he see a counselor to help him understand what lead him to become who he is and to get a better perspective on what he needs to become.

You may also want to see a counselor to help you through the healing process.

Read the "Welcome to the Newly Betrayed" post to answer many of your FAQs.

What forwardmotion said - listen

But be careful. Many times when cheaters gets caught, they just go underground, get sneakier.

I would tell the OW's husband what you know. Stop sending her nasty messages though. She will turn that around and make you look bad.
Better to out her and give her the consequences of her actions.

As for your H, he has lost a lot - his privacy for one thing. He needs to be totally transparent and give you all his passwords and access to his phone and his computer.

As Ronald Reagan said: Trust but verify. Cheaters cheat. Cheaters lie.

As betrayed spouses we just want things to go back to "normal" as quickly as possible. We tend to give our cheaters our trust and forgiveness way too soon. They need to earn that back.

Thank you both, I truly appreciate all the support. @forwardmotion I did read “Welcome to the newly betrayed”. I read it several times because I found some form of comfort in it. StormPetrel I am working on that I in fact just told him last night about it that most people in the support group agree that transparency helps so I will see how it goes. He did let me look at his phone but he stayed next to me so I just handed it back after scrolling a few pages.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Trust but verify for sure at least in the beginning. ALL the work on rebuilding is up to him, not you. And also, don't be surprised if it turns out to more than *only* 2x in the last 6 months (trickle truth) or if there turns out to be more to this story than what you know at this moment. Its just easier to expect the worst and prepare for that. I can't believe the lies I believed and the crappy excuses etc. I'm glad you found some comfort in my post. It took me a long time and a whole lot of work to get there mentally. I forgave way too soon, "pick me" danced like mad thinking I could fix everything if I only tried harder. Save yourself the time and effort and let him pick me dance to win you back, let him show you his words and his actions match, let him find ways to make it up to you etc! Or not. We can't change these people.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with what the others have posted on here. But also, ask him *why* did he do this? He may not tell the truth, but at least hear what his reasoning was. What does he mean "poor judgement and curiosity"? How and why did this start to begin with? Did he seek her out or she sought him out? I think what is even more upsetting for you is that you had to catch him. Been there! Made me feel like, "Well, how much longer would this have been going on if I hadn't just happened to catch him?" In my situation, I did ask questions. I wanted to know all the gory details. That's just me though, I was trying to read between the lines as to why he did it (plus, it helped later, to see if his story added up, when I asked these questions again). Up to you though. Only if you want to know.

Trust will take awhile, that's for sure. Like the others have posted, complete transparency. He lost his privacy privileges when he committed adultery. And I hope you rushed out and got tested for every STD (not just HIV). Look online for a list of all the STDs out there, and get tested for everything. He should get tested as well. Let us know how you're doing.

Most cheaters, aside from the sociopathic ones, initially may not have a true understanding of why they made these decisions to have an affair.

The situation is that anyone with a resemblance of a conscience requires to use cognitive dissonance in order to stay sane while having an affair. In short they need to concoct a bunch of illogical rationales and excuses to internally justify and separate their actions from their identity.

This becomes a fog that allows them to operate against their "beliefs/morals" so that they can still feel like a good person yet do something as terrible as completely betraying their spouse and family.

Some never get out of this fog because it would destroy the positive aspects of their identity but a few may be able to partially or full get out of this with much time, counseling, and self reflection/growth.

I believe the reason that many cheaters don't get out of the fog is that it takes a great deal of courage to face who you have become. Cheaters have already shown that their reaction to negative feelings is to create a fantasy and take the easy way out rather than confronting problems. It generally takes significant amounts of professional help and/or some type of spiritual/miraculous change in perspective.

My advice is to stay away from toxic behavior like texting this woman. She may be just as remorseful as your husband, but even if she is not, doing that doesn't help anything. Just block her number and focus on your marriage. Talk to your husband - openly and honestly about what drove him there. What was lacking/missing/no enough for him in your marriage. Both of you need to work hard on reestablishing trust in your relationship. He knew what he was doing was wrong and that is good sign that means he knows he made a mistake and loves you. You can rebuild trust and "start over" in a better, healthier place.

Ummm I have to say that marriages do not cause affairs. The notion of something lacking/missing/not enough is cheater apologist blame shifting. I will never accept that any blame belongs in the betrayed person's court. This wrong-thinking is very harmful to the betrayed person. @tinaa I believe from your past posts you are both a cheater and someone who was cheated on. Depending on which happened first, it may skew your perspective.

As to *why*...they do it because they WANT to. They feel entitled. The rules do not apply to them. They are special and want what they want when they want it. Asking why is usually a waste of time. They will lie or in the slim chance they really do want to repent, they have not spent enough time in therapy yet to be honest with themselves about the *why*. That kind of insight and self reflection comes a looooong way down the road, if ever.

@forwardmotion - what you wrote rang a bell for me. When my ex cheated, he went to therapy for over a year. The therapist explained to him that he is not a "bad person", but rather, a "good person that made a bad decision".

Uh???

About a year after his one year of therapy, he was back on the cheating type of websites again.

Just be careful. Disclosure. Transparency.
Trust must be earned!

A therapist enabling cognitive dissonance is troubling.

The unfortunate thing regarding therapists is that they don't get paid if you stop coming to see them.

Often times they do want to help, but if they give someone the hard truth there is a good chance that they will not get more than one session out of them.

Treading softly will get them more sessions. It really is up to the therapist to stay true to their values, but bills need to be paid.

Thank you everyone, I have taken these tools and have been actively using them in the last few days. To bring everyone up to speed (with the hope that my story also helps someone out there). On the night I found out, the next morning he asked me to join him for breakfast away from our house, of course I didn’t have no appetite but I needed answers. We talked for hours and for the first time in all these years of being together I saw tears run down his cheek (I did not acknowledge any of that) all I did was listen because I was not going to get caught up in his “emotions”.

I am still hurting, I still cry but it has become fewer and further in between. I stopped sending the OW those emails because I realized it was just me and her exchanging words and she could just keep that to herself and move on with her life with no shame and embarrassment. I took the advice and contacted her H but took it a step further and contacted some other family members as well. Might not have been nice to do that but it sure felt good knowing someone else other than her knew about this, especially after I found out that they saw the message. I slept well:) I have been doing better the last few days and I am thankful for all the advice and conversations we have here. It is really helping me deal with this situation.

Xoxo

Good job! Let her deal with that fall out! Disclosure is important... don’t want recontact in say 6months when everything cools off!

Take care of yourself.

Once the affair is out in the open there are eyes on both of them by everyone who knows and with that comes some degree of accountability.

The fun of the secret affair is completely finished.

The next step is your husband getting counseling to begin the slow and painful process of self reflection and hopefully growth.

If he is up to the task and works hard, the marriage may be salvageable. However, you will have to be patient as change is slow/gradual and takes a couple years at a minimum.

So sorry this has happened and many times the road to reconciliation is long and rough. Time truly does bring healing and forgiveness, but often not until the emotions such as anger and hurt are dealt with. I found that cutting off all contact with the “other party” was necessary so I wouldn’t keep beating myself up trying to figure out why? I realized finally that it was more important to find a way to move on than reliving the past over and over. Is he in counseling to help him figure out his “whys”. Up the road a bit perhaps family counseling would help the both of you put the pieces back together. It takes time and commitment to heal from such a betrayal and rebuild trust but if both of you want that (and it seems like you do) it is definitely worth the effort. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do what seems right to you. If you have a supportive family or church family I would encourage you to seek some support in those arenas. I know of a resource list that has a lot of good information I found very helpful. PM me if you would like more information and I’ll be happy to send it to you.