We are currently rebuilding our marriage. Its been 14 months & its still pretty tough. Having our 2 little ones made this awful pain worth a shot at rebuilding, had we not had kids I'm not sure i would have had the energy to go through rebuilding.

He worked with her for 8 months after dday. then they both switched locations. There has been no contact since the first week after dday, other than the occasional work contact.

Sadly, he didn't know i even sent this to her. I planned to tell him but didn't. Recently he came across the 2nd 13 page letter by accident while i was out of town. So i then told him about the first one. It hurt him to read it & he said he didn't understand why i would even want to. He'll likely never will. I still want to send the 2nd letter but fear i wont get the response i want. I think that's why i haven't sent it.

After reading these responses to your post to you have a clearer idea of what you want to do?

Isitjustme, I think your first letter said it so beautifully that a second letter would not work. If she is a decent person, then the first letter effected her. If she is a heartless bitch then even a 100 page tear stained letter won't effect her.

Decent people do bad things and live with regret and remorse. If that weren't true, then so many of us bs wouldn't be here talking about rebuilding our marriages and forgiving our cs.

That doesn't mean we have to like or forgive ow/om but understand that we had no control over their actions and probably know much less about the emotional details of the A then there actually was.

Sometimes the return corespondance can hash up old crap or new unecessary details that will set your healing back. There are aspects of my H A that I feel are better left unsaid. Sexual details that I don't care to know. I've never discovered corespondance between them like texts and amail detailing anything. I'm grateful for that.

Be careful when opening pandoras box.

Overall i have been satisfied with the first letter. But then there are days that i feel she should/needs to know more. The intense pain that still lingers 16 months later. Maybe i was the fool that thought we would both be completely past this by now. There are days that i feel i was too nice. Maybe my message didnt sink in to her.

What i struggle with is wondering if she does indeed feel that what she did was wrong. Or does she think back on those memories with regret that there are no more days with my H? I guess if i knew she was sorry and would make her best effort to keep away from married men, i could let go. If sending her a letter to remind her of the pain she caused will keep her from destroying another family, its something i am willing to do. The destruction from an A goes FAR beyond what any human is capable of realizing (as we all know to well). I think i'm honest when i say that the pain is so bad i wouldnt wish my own worst enemy to experience this. For that reason, i feel i need to remind her of the pain so mabye i can spare at least one more family from the excruciating pain.

Pink, i think you nailed it when you wrote "Be careful when opening pandoras box." I am afraid of either 1 getting no response which means i will have no answers. I will also feel disrespected again by her lack of responding or 2. Hearing from her, getting some answers but it exposing the wounds all over again, which could include more detail. I dont want to go back to how i felt right after dday.

I think these are the reasons i havent sent letter #2. By knowing i CAN send it if i want or feel the need is enough for me at the moment.

I did not talk to the other woman. I talked with my ex-husband who should have contained himself.

Seeing as it's been bothering you for this long, it may be something that you may need to do - confronting her. Just know, it may not go well. I may not go well at all. Still, sometimes the need to be heard is powerful...even if it doesn't go well.

Your life will go on.

Sending you support, L~

One of the OW saw me in husbands parking lot (we're separated ) and called me a bitch. I heard it.I walked over and asked what did you say?
She started to run her mouth about crap she assumed she knew.She then brought up my kids and I snapped.I was offended that she even mentioned the words "kids" on her lips and slapped her good.She grabbed me and I put her down! F$%* B___!
A good move ran through my mind that I could've done to her but held back because she wasn't worth going to jail for if things went that far.
I consider myself a lady and don't think fighting is comely of a lady,but I was doing that this time! Had to...Think what you will.She needed it and I would have done it all over again.Not fighting for my man, but my damn pride....Word to your mother..
:)Ross

Quietly, I did have a friend that betrayed me with my "now ex-boyfriend". I tried to confront him alone, but then " she" needed up showing up as we were walking up the street, after getting a cup of coffee and I was so close to throwing the cup of hot coffee on her, but I didn't because I know I have more class then that. Eventually when he ended up dumping her (probably for another woman) she found me on Facebook and tried to contact me. I had the chance to tell her then, how much what she did hurt me. She apologized and I accepted her apology, knowing full well that we would never be friends ever again.

Since the OW is still trying to contact your bf it may be more productive and feel better to have your bf write her a no-contact email. Having HIM say, "Stay the hell out of our lives!" And letting you sign it, too, (united front) may offer you more of what you're looking for than simply confronting her, yourself.

Unfortunately, YOU are the one hurting, thus giving her a sort of upper hand which she could maliciously play to hurt you. It's not a risk I'm willing to take considering the OW has already helped cause me and my family so much hurt and loss, already.

I have read a few cases where it was actually beneficial to talk to (not confront) the OW because it was then easier to see her and understand her to be a real person and not just some idea in your head, but since you were friends with her already, I don't think you stand to gain anything in that manner.

In the end, an important question to ask yourself is this: will this lead to healing? If the answer is yes, then go for it!

If you don't think it's specifically to assist in healing, you're just giving her more power and more time and attention than she deserves. Instead think about ways you can be good to YOURSELF. You deserve it!

This is your journey. Only you can take it and only you can know what's right for you.

yep...confronted her by phone immediately just to let her know 1. I knew what was going on 2. Their contact was ending immediately and 3. How much of a stupid b**ch she was. I felt great. Of course she did try to contact him again and instead she got...me on the other end of the line which gave me another reason to tell her how much of a stupid b**ch she was. She gave up trying to contact him, cried the victim to everyone she knew and I'm sure got some other idiot to rush to her side instead of sending her home to her own husband. BTW I called her husband too, he could care less, said she'd been cheating with different men for three years and he was just her roommate at this point. Made me feel better but it didn't take away the paid or the fantasizing about beating her a**. Which I did not do.

OH and one more thing, people on here are right when they say the OW's thinking is completely screwed up. If you're trying to get her to understand what she did to you or empathize or feel bad or listen/understand your story...forget it. They are so stupid with warped thinking that they can't comprehend anything you'll say and you'll feel worse.

I contacted my ex's ow five minutes after I kicked him out. I sized her up in a five minute phone call--she was a pure piece of trash with absolutely no moral values, whatsoever. When I realized this, I told her they were welcome to each other.

Everyone who goes through this betrayal deals with it in his/her own way. Some people never contact the OP; others do. Just be sure to understand what your motives are. If you are looking for remorse on the part of the OP or want some type of apology, realize that this is a person already good at lying--the words you want to hear may not mean much in the end.

My ex's ow mouthed all the "I'm sorry's" but her attitude suggested otherwise. She wasn't the least bit sorry about what she had done. She set out to get him and she got him. But what did she get? A serial cheater that she has to watch like a hawk. Yep, she got a real prize.

Sending hugs. I hope you are seeing a counselor to help you through this. I did and it really helped.