Given that she's no longer participating in her own thread, it seems less than productive to me.

Whatever. You win.

I came on here for support. Not to be told what I want to hear. I dont think talking to her is going to change her or that we will be friends ever again. I dont want that talking to her isnt even about her. Its about me getting closure. She still tries to text my boyfriend and she still hangs out with my brother and my friends, so she is not really out of my life. We even decided not to move back to our hometown where all of our family and friends are, plus way better job opportunities.. just because my anxiety about running into her is so out of control when we go up there.

Yes, I realize he had just as much of a part in it as she did. It is not like I just forgave him and hate her. I struggle with my issues with him daily. But with him we can talk it out and I want to work it out because I love him. With her I just have hate and anger and that anger has just been festering for 1.5years.

When something similar happened to me 5 years ago all of my friends basically turned on me. They told me that I couldnt be upset, that the girl (another friend) just had the reputation as a slut and felt she had to live up to it.. it wasnt her fault. They would even invite her out with us. Obviously none of those people are my friends anymore. That combined with the friends who have tried to or have slept with my boyfriend.. I really dont trust anyone anymore nor do I want new friends. Which is another reason I came here. I could vent anonymously without worrying who anyone is going to tell. I could get support from people who understand what I am going through.

I get that many of you are married and have kids and that makes the infidelity an even bigger issue. But that doesnt mean my pain is any less. Maybe in comparison, my 4 year relationship seems insignificant to a 10 year marriage.. but it isnt insignificant to me.
My original post wasnt asking for advice I asked what everybody else had experienced in dealing with the OW. Thank you to those of you who actually answered that. And thank you to blind and fiber who tried to stick up for me.

Quietly: I didn't intend on sounding judgmental. I am really sorry if you took it that way. I was only offering one of many "possible" feelings about the other. I'd bet there are many of those.

I realllllly, honestly, feel that way about the "other." I never intended to imply that's how "you" should feel. It's just what works for me. And it's just another way to look at the situation. You aren't alone in those feelings though, I have had friends betray me too. And, it doesn't feel good at all. Sometimes I handled it well, sometimes not. I found that overall dismissal is works for "me" best. Maybe that's why I came to my conclusions about the "other" because I have had to deal with betrayal before.

And, I understand that you don't quite know what is best to do. No one can really tell you that though. I feel like I can only share my experience and how I eventually came to feel about it. I haven't always felt that way. I came to feel that way.

You shared, "She still tries to text my boyfriend and she still hangs out with my brother and my friends, so she is not really out of my life. We even decided not to move back to our hometown where all of our family and friends are..."

That is a very different scenario than I understood at the onset. That is "far" more difficult to deal with. I could only wish to know what to share that would be helpful. There seem to be so many ways to address it. It's good that you are cautious about putting yourself in a situation where "I don't think I could keep my emotions in check..."

I'm not so sure I would do very well either where she has the audacity to still interact with my family. I do know that when my X-friend attempted to interfere with my immediate family, and went to my Hs workplace, I did confront her immediately and in person. She understood what I had to say. On the other hand, I had only one family member who interacted with her after I exposed her behavior and confronted her. I avoided that family member until they got some experience with her treachery themselves. They learned what I already knew.

That is very different to me. I can understand why you still have ongoing feelings in that scenario.

It would be great to get closure with the OW - and many of us have fantasized about what we would say or do to if we had the opportunity to confront them. Just based on other BS experiences on here, the odds of you getting closure are very small. Most OW tend to be delusional and more concerned about how they feel and what they want - not how their choices have affected the BS.

It makes it even worse when mutual friends enable them and make excuses as to why its not really their fault. At that point you really have to walk away for awhile because they aren't open to hearing what you have to say.

i was just suffering from that thought lisalisa.....she got all kinds of support for having the affair because she was telling everyone about her NEW love who was going to rescue her and take her off on his white horse into the sunset...her friends that knew were cheering her on, the ones that did not most never will and the ones I told, still supported her, even though what she did was WRONG and I hope she rots in hell for what she did, I hope she suffers loss beyond human ability to cope, and I will never have the satisfaction of seeing it, of knowing she is suffering for what she did....we demand that murderers pay for their crimes, well ADULTERERS NEED TO PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES too, but we never get to see the execution

My H never confronted the OM, mostly because we need for him to not be in jail for putting the guy in they hospital. It's now been 3 years and, for the most part, the OM is ignored by both of us if he crosses our paths. If I come across him in the community I report that to my husband in the interest of total transparency, and he wonders any I bother because it's become a non-issue to him. If we go out and he is there we go anyway. If he's uncomfortable he can leave. If we are there first, he comes in, sees us, and runs like a scared little bitch. His problem, not ours.

The opposite of love (or friendship, in your case) is not hate, it is indifference. Do whatever you feel you must in order to get to indifference. That is when you will be free. What worked for us was a form of immersion therapy, basically choosing repeated exposure until it no longer triggers a response.

I did confront the ow but I wish I had done it in person if at all.Honestly I don't think the OW or OM deserve any of our time.In my eyes they are scum.

Interesting thread. This subject has come up before and the key question to ask yourself is "what good will come of this". If she is a snake in the grass then she will probably make you feel worse afterwards. I've never confrinted my H ow. My situation is long and complicated but the short version is this. My dday was 3 yeard ago by which time he had a 7 year old son from 3 year A.

I could, one day, meet her and have an open conversation but as of right now I have no interest.

As far as him being your bf and not spouse. I think you are at an advantage. That's not to say you have nothing to lose but without children you have less details in the way. Ii am asduming you are young and that also gives you an advantage.


For many of us, marriage and kids add to the reasons to stay and attempt to forgive. Its not saying there is more or less love but factors that get in the way.

For example a 21 year old with small rent and no pets ir kids can make a decision about staying or leaving a crappy job that isn't satisfying with only themselves to think about. But a 40 with 3 kids a doog and a mortgage my be equally unhappy at work but has more details to consider.

If you are young and don't have children then it frees you to consider all of your options more than others. Do you trust that your bf is commited to you now? You mention other friends who slept with your bf. I had an ex bf cheat with people (yes multiple) that we worked with. I totally get the desire to call them out on their actions. Just consider the possible negative outcome.

my best friend at the time tried to sleep with him. or at least told people she could do it and nobody could prove it. I was living 5 hours away from him and all my friends at the time so I found everything out over the phone. I flipped out on her over the phone. She tried to tell me she didn't say that and that she would never but I realized how little I trusted her and told her to stay out of our lives. I don't like her now, we aren't friends but seeing her picture or hearing people talk about her really doesn't bother me. The girl who actually slept with him. Who was one of my friends but not my best friend .. I can't stand to even think about. Hearing her name... even meeting someone with the same name makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have so much anger towards her. Maybe that is because she actually did it and because she continued to pretend to be my friend for 2 years after she did it and even since I found out has not said a single thing to me. Where as my best friend, as far as I know didn't go through with it, I found out within a couple days, and I talked to her about it. Which is another reason why I somewhat feel that talking the OW would give me closure.

Again, I really don't think anything I have to say will matter to her. I don't think she will apologize. I don't think she will try to make me feel better. It's more for me to just have the chance to get all this stuff out and then move on.

I don't see me doing this any time soon. I want to be feeling 100% confident in my relationship with him before doing so. Which maybe at that point I won't even want to who knows.

The two times I had contact with OW I walked away madder than when I started. Hope you find a way to get closure - it sucks that you are the one to suffer when she has the glaring character flaw.

What's up with your friends that they want to compete with you?

I suspect it's because they're women. I've met only three in my life who didn't want to compete with me.

Four months after dday i sent the OW a letter. I also wanted closure. I had spend a whole month if not more writing & editing it. The OW in my case was my H co-worker but i still to this day have never met her.

I prepred myself for what ever possible outcomes there could be. 1. No response from her. 2. A response from her (evil or remorseful).

Ideally i think i wanted a response but never got one. So now i sit one year later with letter #2 (13 pages) ready to be sent. I've had it ready for 3 months but i haven't sent it. I'm not sure why. Sometimes just by re-reading the letter makes me feel better, even though it hasn't been sent. I sometimes re-read the first letter i sent and feel some brief relief that i know she read it.

Either way i think like may people have said here, its probably not going to do a whole lot. I fear i see myself writing her a letter once a year just to remind her of me & the pain she caused by her selfish actions. In hopes that she'll never destroy another family again.

My opinion? Do what you think may help you in moving forward towards happiness. Just be sure you are ready for all possible outcomes.

((Hugs))

Here is a copy of my first letter to the OW (seeing as you asked "what did you say..."




I know that you didn't pledge vows to protect me or my children. You owe me nothing. If you feel justified in your actions, read no further and toss this letter in the garbage. What I have to share will mean nothing to you.

I just hope that knowing how both of your actions have affected my family will allow you to see the damage that has been done. Some of which will leave scars, lasting until the day I die. I hope this will make you think twice before choosing to be involved with another married man in your future. I dont know what kind of person you are and now all i have to go by, is this. It's sad that you are contributing to the rap that gives female officers a bad reputation.

All marriages have their ups and downs, no marriage is with out problems, no spouse without fault. Especially after 12 years of being together, there have been many struggles and many more yet to come. The grass is never greener on the other side, despite those that try to prove to the world how perfect their lives are. When there are little babies brought into a marriage it makes things much more challenging and requires much more work. One day if you are lucky enough you'll experience marriage for yourself and see just how much work it takes. I'm far from perfect & at times could and should have been a better wife. But does being human make me deserve this? A true friend would have supported their friend during a time of need , not take advantage of his situation to make a personal gain or vendetta. What type of "friend" do you want to be known for? Specially in your line of work.

I wish I understood what lead you to chose a married man, my husband. While his wife was at home pregnant with his child & about to give birth. When you are pregnant someday & get to experience the unspoken, undescribable love that comes with creating and carrying a baby, I hope you never experience something so destructible while at a time in your life that is suppose to be one of the best days of your entire life. This is something a man cannot experience at the deepest level as you & I are able to. Something a man cannot fully understand. It breaks my heart-the thoughts that will plague me around the birth of my daughter.

Clearly, there were two people involved and each of you is equally responsible for your choices, actions, and consequences. The reason i am writing to you is because I have had my opportunity to express my thoughts and feelings to my husband. I feel the least I deserve is to share those with you as well, to give closure to this dark part of my life and move forward and to be in a happy place again.

What did you gain out of this? Did being with a married man give you an adrenaline rush? Did you love him so much you couldn't resist? Was knowing you could be with a man that has a little boy, a wife and an unborn child make you feel special? You couldn't find anyone else to be with you? Do you justify it by telling yourself that you were lonely? That he wanted it? Did you do it to hurt someone else? Or are you just a horrible person? I hope you can get to the root of your reasons so you can lead a happy fulfilling life. So you can be certain that one day you won't be partially to blame for the destruction of another family, including your own.

I hope you never have to experience infidelity again in your life, specially in your own relationship. It's the MOST painful thing I have ever experienced in my ENTIRE life. It is a true test of love & even then there are no promises. At first, i thought the weak people stayed together, but now I have come to realize the strong couples with the most love are the ones that stay together.

I grew up in a loving home with both of my parents. It saddens me so deeply that it was hard to bear the thought that our little boy and newborn daughter almost faced their entire lives in a broken home. Luckily, "John's" love for me is strong as is my love for him, and we are working even harder on our marriage than ever before.

If you have made it this far, let me thank you for reading this to the end. If you aren't a horrible person (as i tend to think at times) this may have been tough for you to read. Again, this isn't to hurt you, it's to give me closure and move on to be happy again.

I don't know if you ever think about your actions and have any remorse. Maybe you carry on everyday as tho nothing has happened and you did no wrong. Maybe you think of yourself as innocent because you arent married. Maybe you have moments you think about it but try to push it out of your mind so you dont have to carry the burden. I wouldn't wish you to walk one day in my shoes.

*The pain upon discovery is something that has to be lived to be believed.*

-Isitjustme21

I too corresponded with my husbands girlfriend for many months, and she was in such denial and continued to lie and fabricate things, however I knew from knowing my h where she came to the conclusions she did, that does however not now or ever let her off the hook, and she has already moved on with a clear conscience, she will someday have to answer for what she did, we all have to answer for what we choose to do. at times if was refreshing telling her our real story, not the lies he told her to have sex and then continue in the full on girlfriend benefits he and she did, she had and has no choice but to see what was the truth, but she will also run from it and continue in her lie of a life....she of all should have known better, the wife of a pastor getting a divorce because he h had an affair....58 years old and as she claims council to women going through the struggles we all are in with infidelity... I wish so many days that this place did not have to exist, that people were decent honest loving individuals, but for everyone that is it seems their are two or more that feel entitled to just keep taking and not care what happens to anyone but themselves, and when some figure it out, IT IS TOO LATE...

girls in general just don't like me. I have always had a lot of guy friends and I think girls are jealous or threatened by that or something. many of my guy friends have been banned from talking to me by their girlfriends at some point. I think my friends compete with me because they have to be sluts to get guys to like them and I am just me :]

isitjustme: that is pretty cool you sent that to her. did you and your husband work things out? does he still work with her or anything? how did he feel about the letter.

shegave: i know what you mean. I'm convinced that 75% of the people in my home town are just horrible people. It's like the town slogan. I guess if there is no bad in the world nobody would appreciate the good?