I had an affair with my best friend's husband. Worst year of decision making in my while life. She has not spoken to me since it all came out. I have no idea what he's told her, but I imagine I was thrown well under the bus while he made himself out to be more of a victim to my persistence.

I do regret my choices and the pain I caused to her, him, my husband, all of our kids. If she ever had questions for me I would answer them honestly and carefully, to not give her more than she asked for. If she needed to vent at me I would take it. I know what I deserve from her.

If it would be cathartic for you then talk to her. Just be realistic with your hopes or expectations.

Sheenre- The poster is asking something that has been asked MANY times here on DS. She has been been double betrayed by a friend and her BF. Please be a little sensitive to those that are reaching out for support and validation.

You can be mad at both, but your boyfriend is the one you want to build a life with. She wasn't a good friend and you're lucky she's out of your life. That's pretty much the end of the story as far as she's concerned.

I can also tell you that your boyfriend did it because he wanted too. He wasn't tricked or forced and it was his decision to stray. I know that sounds harsh but that's what it all boils down to in the end. He can blame it on whatever he wants to - but he chose this path.

And, yes, insisting that she doesn't matter, when she clearly matters to you, is really invalidating. Your experience is personal and is what it is for you. Some people would cheat with anyone. Others are more emotionally engaged and the connection of friendship was a factor. That makes it far more personal and I get that you would take issue with her, not just your boyfriend. It sounds like you felt you had good reason to expect loyalty from her as well.

Normally I would say don't pay the OW any attention but I do think it's a little different if you were friends. I'm not sure what my advice would be in that situation as the OW in my life was not a friend. I guess it would also depend on how close you were.

I guess the only way I would consider it if in this situation was if I believed she was going to answer questions that maybe didn't get answered by my SO. I wouldn't want to have an emotional break down in front of her so I would probably not yell (to give her the satisfaction of seeing that)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Blind: I don't think it's insensitive to say that the "other" doesn't matter. Maybe it is insensitive? If so, I didn't mean it to be. I apologize if it was taken that way. Seems it was.

I guess friendships like that just aren't that important to me. I've offed more than one so-called friend for far less. No friend is able to affect me that way. Because? I don't consider them a friend any more. Or even figure that they ever really were. I wouldn't consider a person a "friend" who slept with my mate. I only see a sneaky, dishonorable snake of a person.

Some people.are more sensitive. Some need more answers. Some need closure or a chance to vent. For some, letting go of someone who was once a friend happens in an instant; for others it's a process. It's not wrong, just different.

Sssssss.....

Sheenre

Sure...it's easy to say.....they weren't our friend if they had an affair with our spouse....so I will drop them and that is that. Most people LOVE and TRUST their friends, and when they betray us....it's PAINFUL and CONFUSING.

Furthermore, she wasn't asking if she should remain friends with her.....if she was, your response at least make sense.

It's wonderful that you can turn off your emotions like a faucet. Most of us here are not able to.

If you had left him then, it would only have been 2.5 years. Now it's 4.

She's HIS friend, btw- she was just yours by association and not for very long.

Sounds like he keeps very bad company and I'd confront both of them as you leave to your new apartment. If you stay, you're only inviting more drama.

It is still a support group, right? This woman never asked if she should stay or go. That's a very personal choice, not one to be dictated glibly by strangers on the internet whose advice on the matter has not been solicited.

Quietly, I'm sorry that you're receiving this kind of feedback. Not everyone in the room takes the 'kick him to the curb' or 'told you so' approach. And not everyone is happier by having walked away from their emotional investments. Some end up hanging out telling others to make decisions they were unwilling to make for themselves. It sounds easy to say just walk away, it's much harder to follow through.

Blind: That's true, we are all very different. I'm likely not as sensitive to friendship as some. Though, I don't turn my feelings off and on like a faucet. I wish! Wouldn't that be great?

I once was very reactive to many things. Very! Do you think that's a good thing? I'm not quite so much any longer. I found that for me it isn't a very good thing. I'm very glad that I'm not as reactive as I once was. I found, that for me, it's a waste of energy for one thing. I know with no doubt whatsoever that I wouldn't want to remain friends with that person, so, any interaction with them is a waste of energy and time. What is there to say at that point? I'm pretty sure that person knows any liklihood of friendship is all done and over. And, if they didn't have the sense to know that, the dismissal would make that point to them I'd think?

So, for me, on a personal level, in my opinion, I still think that in a situation where a "friend" slept with my spouse, I might be angry for a bit, it might not be wise of them to be around on D-day, but they wouldn't be within the scope of my interest for long. Not for several years for sure. But, that's me.

That is, as long as they weren't hanging around or interfering in what does matter to me a lot. I wouldn't be as likely to just "let go" and dismiss them summarily if that person was still interfering, or attempting to interact with me or my H in some way. That likely wouldn't go well at all. At that point, they would likely run into some difficulty with me just letting them go with little regard. I think that a summary dismissal is far better than any likely alternative?

While it may be an interesting exercise to kick around hypothetical scenarios of how one might handle this, I wonder if this is helping the already somewhat alienates original poster. Until you face the same situation I think it's too easy to be sure of how you would handle it, what feelings would linger, or what questions might still be pertinent years down the road.

Some of these responses seem to.say "I've never been in your shoes but I think I'd wear them better if I were".

Fiber: Been there...done that...so I do know precisely what I would do, because I did. My "friend" and it was "my" "friend of twenty years or so" "attempted" to go there and do that with my H. She was unsuccessful at anything but being exposed as a whacko. Because? Her moves were obvious to any observation, and I confronted her before she got very far at all. Ooops!

Even after that, in person, confrontation regarding her sly behavior and dismissal, he told me that she made a visit to his job site. My H immediately left the job site, came home and shared that he figured she is some kind of "damaged goods" "a whacko" (his words, not mine) and he had no interest in "her" ...ever. And, even he was pissed that she would attempt such a thing..."my...friend."

So, after her trip to my Hs job, with her pathetic, childish, immature sly, little games, I told her "take off" period. End of story. More than twenty years of "so-called" friendship right down the grabage disposal...right where it belonged. I may well respect, love, and trust friends. But that...is not...by any stretch my imagination can muster, a friend. That isn't to say everyone, or anyone else, could, or should do what I might do, or even did. But it worked for me.

So, when I say she doesn't matter. I mean, she doesn't matter...to me...at all....ever.

So, if it's better to offer a "been there...done that" response. There it is. "What did you say.. .how?"

"Something" like this....I am suprised to see that you have no respect, no care, for me, my home, my marriage nor my family. I have seen you acting in clandestine ways. And, I know that you went to my Hs job site with your disgusting innuendos. I don't appreciate your obvious disrespectful behavior. I think it's best you go on with your own life, in your own special way, and I'd prefer to never see you again. Don't ever attempt again to interfere with my family. And a few cuss words to boot...just for the road.

Here's a " hypothetical scenario." Say, she was successful with her wee games. I would treat her no differently than I did with those who were actually successful. Dismissal. They do not matter to me one whit. The one to answer was my H...not them. My X did such things...and when I found that he did actually have sex with "some" women, (one of which I knew) I never spoke a word to her or them. They didn't matter to me at all. And as far as he was concerned, I spoke to him through a lawyer.

Well, apparently, in this case it seems the woman does matter enough that it feels like unfinished business for quietly. That this woman wouldn't matter to you doesn't seem to be a productive point in terms of how to address her.

So what is productive? Does "anyone" else have an absolute definitive answer to anyone else's problem? I don't think so. All anyone can do is share what they personally feel, or what they personally did in such a case. If there is some "answer" template somewhere, I'd love to see it. I have yet to see one.