Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I want to thank BuildtoLast for sending me links to this information about the anatomy of an affair - thank you!
I wanted to cut and copy one of the sections out from this link he provided me http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/09/20/anatomy-of-an-affair-the-chemistry-of-love/
As it relates to affairs, the reward system deep in our brains neither processes nor analyzes rational decisions and does not think in logical ways. It simply reacts to various kinds of stimulus, and this is at the heart of our emotional response to others. During the infatuation of an affair, higher than typical levels of dopamine cause addictive reactions similar to those of a crack addict getting high. At the same time, the high levels of dopamine appear to reduce the levels of serotonin, which can cause substantial behavioral changes such as depression, mood swings, obsession with the source of the addiction (that would be the affair partner) and other psychological manifestations.
Thanks again buildtolast!
I wanted to cut and copy one of the sections out from this link he provided me http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/09/20/anatomy-of-an-affair-the-chemistry-of-love/
As it relates to affairs, the reward system deep in our brains neither processes nor analyzes rational decisions and does not think in logical ways. It simply reacts to various kinds of stimulus, and this is at the heart of our emotional response to others. During the infatuation of an affair, higher than typical levels of dopamine cause addictive reactions similar to those of a crack addict getting high. At the same time, the high levels of dopamine appear to reduce the levels of serotonin, which can cause substantial behavioral changes such as depression, mood swings, obsession with the source of the addiction (that would be the affair partner) and other psychological manifestations.
Thanks again buildtolast!
I'm not justifying my affair; I do know that was wrong. That does not make it any less wrong or damaging that my husband treated me the way he did. Or any less ironic that his attempts at control and self protection contributed to vulnerability and chaos.
There are scientific reasons behind it. See link:
http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2011/10/why-men-pull-away-and-how-to-deal-with-it/
You failed to understand him before (or so it seems). Instead of reading "emotional abuse" books, try reading up on husbands in general to better understand your partner.
Education + Abstinence = Only Inoculation to Infidelity.
We ALL know that if we START an affair that it can lead to FEELINGS (chemicals). Hell, these are the same chemicals that occur in the beginning of a legitimate relationship....there is NO difference. These are the SAME chemicals that were released when you first got involved with your spouse. ITS IRRELEVANT!
WE ALL KNOW THE DANGERS OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE.
Whether you want to label these chemicals love or feelings is subjective.
The more important issue is, the affair lead up....the breaking of boundaries, the slippery slope.
EVERYONE knows where they are heading when embarking on an affair. The ONS is perhaps an exception....but even then you still have SOME time to think about it.
Once a person is in an affair, it's too late (blah blah chemicals)........but then again....IT'S TOO LATE ANYWAY.
I too might have gotten addicted to a person in an affair IF I ALLOWED ONE TO BEGIN!!!!
Actuall, my husband does expect me to pretend to be happy even when I'm hurt. He is that kind of selfish. When I say "I felt hurt when you...." he turns it around and makes himself the victim. Not sorry that he hurt me but angry and far more harmed by having to hear that he's not perfect. It bursts his bubble and then I'm the perp and he's the victim.
You don't know my husband. With him it is not emote then withdraw. Itis total witholding to punish me for ever complaing that he hurt me in the first place. That is abusive.
That is NOT a characteristic of a SELFISH & ABUSIVE man.
Cheating on your spouse is selfish and the worst kind of abuse. Maybe you are just projecting your own self on to him.
You see, if someone offered you cocaine you would refuse. You know it is bad for you, illegal, etc.
But what if you are ignorant about it. Think it is ice tea of something, start getting high on it, over and over again? By the time you realize it is dangerous, your brain is chemically hooked and will find ways (justifications) to keep taking more and more...
The predator just starts complimenting you, admiring you, give attention, etc. Gets you hooked in very subtle, inconspicuous ways. He never shows up & says, "Hey lady, I feel like having sex with you so lets get on with it! It'll be fun, you'll enjoy it too!" :-)
And we are adults, and we have frontal lobes, and ultimately we are responsible for our actions.
Built - I would agree with you if it refers to very young people. If you are a 20 years old woman and a married man starts hitting on you and tells you all these wonderful things, tells her is is unhappy in his marriage, his wife is a b... and they don't sleep together and all that crap then I can understand how she falls for it.
But if you are 40 and all the red lights and red flags don't come off in your brain - you need therapy. Unless you are Tarzan's daughter and you just came from the deep deep jungle. Then of course you are excused again.
Same for a man. If he is 40 (not to mention more) and he doesn't see it for what it is - therapy is the way to go. Even though I do understand that men tend to be blind to what women do - COME ON! Read! Learn! Talk to safe women and ask them about how it works! We are not in Kansas any more! This is life and there is nothing new about all these behaviours.
Of course I can go along with psychoanalysis in lieu of therapy. Or early education about human behaviours/interactions/ways to manipulate others etc.
Sorry, I am sure there is a lot of professional bias here but this is how I see the world. Or perhaps the other way around.
If you do not KNOW by certain age what are the consequences of certain actions/behaviours and cannot control your reactions to them - you need help.
Wish you (we, us) were partnered up with a person who simply loves you right and doesnt require professional Therapy and some 12-step Recovery Process in order to be FAITHFUL.
"You see, if someone offered you cocaine you would refuse. You know it is bad for you, illegal, etc."
If I were in my teens or perhaps early 20's I would (AND DID BTW).
If someone offered me today, I would refuse.
"But what if you are ignorant about it. Think it is ice tea of something, start getting high on it, over and over again? By the time you realize it is dangerous, your brain is chemically hooked and will find ways (justifications) to keep taking more and more... "
This is not an accurate analogy. Affair lead up is pretty obvious unless you grew up on an isolated island, recently released into population.
"The predator just starts complimenting you, admiring you, give attention, etc. Gets you hooked in very subtle, inconspicuous ways. He never shows up & says, "Hey lady, I feel like having sex with you so lets get on with it! It'll be fun, you'll enjoy it too!" :-)"
HMMM. Are we all pretending we are dumb here?
I think EVERYONE knows when a person pays compliments, gives attention etc, they are interested. It's hardly subtle and quite obvious.
I know you want to think of your wife being a victim of a slick predator....but she gave him SIGNALS to KEEP him interested.
Yes agree and that is where the Prefrontal Cortex vs Mammalian brain comes into the equation. Again, we are looking at the START of the Affair bubble, not the time when they are already into the bubble.
Yes, the Cortex KNOWS that it doesn't seem right, however, dopamine is already kicked in by the Limbic system. You may not call him out to HR office, cause you want to be nice & professional and the dopamine keeps kicking in. The inner Mammalian brain has evolved over millions of years, however the Cortex (outer brain) for only a few hundred thousand years. When at war, neurons die on both sides. The evolutionary advantage is inner brain that grows neurons faster. Eventually the Cortex will lose the battle.
Example: My friends love Shrimp. Eating shrimp triggers happy chemicals. The first time I tried it, I found out I was allergic. Nasty reaction. The thought of Shrimp triggers very unhappy chemicals. Just the smell of fish of any kind is a major turn-off.
The key is to trigger unhappy chemicals to counter the happy chemicals.
Education and Abstinence (JUST SAY NO) is all I can conclude to avoid the nuclear devastation caused by Infidelity.
If a woman is interested in me, I know it and give them a brush off. It's pretty easy and effective. I usually will initiate a discussion about MY relationship and they get the hint.
Furthermore, I will break eye contact if I see them looking into my eyes.
If I am aware that they have a H or BF, I take that moment to ask how they are doing.
Actually, I thought most everyone did the above.
This is called awareness and boundaries. You were obviously taught well at certain point of your life or learned it yourself because of high level of self awareness. And you obviously have boundaries since you can and know when to say no.
Many people lack one or the other or both. Hence my belief in the need for therapy/psychoanalysis for those who are lacking. :-)
YES!
Ok, first stop..Therapy!
Not sure how that would work?! Also, Therapy can be such a Hit or Miss. ALL depends on the Therapist!
Ok, this articulates the Pre-Frontal Cortex and Self-Control a little better:
http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2008/10/23/selfcontrol-and-the-prefrontal/
Hope it helps...
http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2008/10/23/selfcontrol-and-the-prefrontal/
Most all of us has this awareness.
The point I am trying to emphasize with Built is....
You can read all the shit you want to on this.
When a person is first approached....at the VERY initial stages of Pre-affair........they WANT to be flirted with. THEY ENCOURAGE IT...THEY SEND SIGNALS.
So, when a scumbag OM approaches our sweet innocent BS's.......we often tend to blame it on a Predatory nature combined with a chemical rush.
You see...if we do this, then we get to observe our sweet woman as victims of Predators and Chemicals.
The unfortunate reality is.....THEY WANTED IT.
Now, the next question is....WHY DID THEY WANT IT. The answer differ from case to case.
Usually it's simple attraction combined with low self esteem. People with low self esteem are hungry for compliments and want them to continue.
Some will say that there are only 2 ingredients necessary for a typical affair.....Poor conflict resolution skills combined with low self esteem. The Poor Conflict resolution skills leave them more vulnerable as they are currently miffed about their relationship and did not effectively communicate it. They carry an empty sadness as a result of this loss of power. They are more inclined to be easily validated.
Above may be true for some, not all affairs.