Really, I think most of this is bullshit. It's just another attempt to explain bad behavior making it seem like some behavior cannot be controlled. It's more pop psychology. The article also confuses sex with love. These two things are not the same. Do one night stands begin with love? Are men who visit prostitutes in love or even looking for love? Far from it. Do married men who troll internet dating sites in the "married but looking" section want love ? More like they want a quick hook-up with the only effort coming from uploading a pic of themselves. The article doesn't mention anything about character flaws but I suppose that's because the thinking is along the lines of "there's no bad people, just bad choices" garbage. Too bad the article doesn't talk about making choices and the devastating effects they can have on people.

The chemical response is very real, been there, lived it. I don't find anything in this article that excuses the choice to cheat. All it does is explain why it can be so hard to get out once a person is in. So many BS want to know why we didn't just stop, especially when faced with guilt, fear or regret. As with other addictions, the drive to relieve the discomfort of withdrawal is stronger than the desire to stay straight. Have you ever tried to quit smoking? It's about more than just willpower. People succeed in quitting more often if they understand the chemical mechanisms involved. It helps to know that the first three days are chemical and the rest is mind over matter. Quitting an affair would be easier if we could nail down a time frame for getting past the chemical aspect.

This does nothing to address whatever it is that leads us to make crappy choices in the first place, though. That's a whole other question.

It isn't pop psychology. It is based on scientific studies and chemical brain analysis. It actually doesn't raise dopamine as high as drugs like crack, but pretty close to it.

I didn't read the article in question, but I've seen the studies being referenced. Like Fiber said, it only explains the new relationship infatuation high people get going into affairs and why they become irrational and foggy thinking. I saw my wife change almost overnight because of this when her affairs started.

That's an interesting article. It details exactly how the "fog" takes over the WS's mind. It doesn't excuse their decision to cheat, but ceartainly explains why they make horribly irrational decisions and become unrecognizable.
My wife was a different person after D-day. Her attitude towards me and the familiarity I'd know for 9 years was gone overnight. At one point, she left her AP in an attempt to reconcile with me, but after a couple of weeks she told a friend that she missed him so much, it literally hurt to breathe. She is/ was (I don't know the status now) addicted to him. She had to be near him daily to get her "fix."
If not, she'd become depressed, have wild mood swings, etc.

I also think that the affair has to do with major -- major brain washing from the WS to themselves along with a "propaganda" machine in their brain -- that spins the same bullshit logic every time the realtiy of their deeds hits them in the face...

(WS thinking/taking out loud)..... This is really dumb and everyone is pointing out how insaine this really is... fire up the propaganda machine of stupidity...I will continue to walk around with my new pair of selfish shoes for a couple more years till they fall apart and I just can't lace them up any longer.

One major thing as well is that the BS have to be pretty darn weak people in general - not that we are all navy seals and can handle every situation thrown at us but the BS are pretty darn weak people to be "addictive" to another freakin "person" - that is actually pretty much the DUMBEST thing on the freakin planet - besides drugs etc.

But another person for your happiniess? give me a break.

Giving someone else control over yourself to have the ability to manipulate you? To feel some chemical high from....

Thats scary/sad/insaine/pathetic and a whole bunch of other words.

Hey Fiber? "So many BS want to know why we didn't just stop, especially when faced with guilt, fear or regret. As with other addictions,"

Yes. Thank you. This is exactly it. We (BS) cry and moan and wring our hands with, "WHY WHY WHY?" but when "why" is explained to us, it's never good enough. We refuse it and reject it and insist that it can't be true or right or real.

Because... from a BS perspective, there will never, ever, EVER be a "why" answer that will satisfy us. Especially those of us who get caught in the "victim" loop. Been there. Done that. Frequently revisit.

"Why did you have sex with her if you didn't love her?" "Why would you risk your marriage if you didn't love her but you loved me?" "Why didn't you stop it if you were feeling so bad about it?" "Why didn't you just come to me and tell me what was going on!?" As if it were that simple.

I know it's not (when I'm thinking logically), but when my "poor me! I don't deserve this! I'm a good person and he's just EVIL" side take over, I can't see reason.

Thanks for posting this, Onyx. It certainly does not EXCUSE an affair, but it does EXPLAIN some parts of it.

Yes, it explains Temptation and it seems if given an opportunity we all Homo Sapien species are bio-chemically vulnerable to it. Then the questions is, what is the difference between Faithful vs Unfaithful from a clinical standpoint.

Why isn't the whole population a cocaine addict? Alcohol addict? They all trigger dopamine (Limbic system reward center) in the human brain.

The answer seems to be the Prefrontal Cortex. Referred to as the Conscience...moral compass...character...soul, etc.

The logical brain. It over-rides the Limbic system. No emotions, pragmatic system, that knows what is right & wrong. This morality is built on past experiences. Built by Oxytocin (bonding chemical), which is the primary ingredient to build neural pathways and memories. This chemical is naturally produced from intimacy, affection, touch, attentive conversation, even sex.

Here's a very informative article on this topic:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201211/oxytocin-fidelity-and-sex

That movie cliche that we hear used casually for murderers, "did your mother not hug you enough as a kid" is actually true. Mother-child bonding builds up neural pathways in Cortex which in turn helps him grow into a morally good adult.

In theory, if you just hugged, kissed, cuddled, had more sex with your WS, Infidelity would've NEVER happened?!! Is it really that simple? This is also the marching call of many "Recovery" books & seminars that state similar directives to heal the marriage.

Some construe this as rewarding the cheater with a better marriage, however, bonding can help produce Oxytocin, rebuild neurons in the Cortex and fire-up the old super highways that were built with the spouse before straying.

Don't know, but I'm hoping neuroscience can provide a solution.

BuildtoLast - thanks for clearing up why some cheat and others don't - that makes sense to me -

Conscience...moral compass...character...soul, etc and I would add - selfishness (my STBX said she was extremely selfish - her words to me) and their propaganda machines to do the unthinkable that they reply in their minds over and over again.

However, I can't really relate to the this part.

In theory, if you just hugged, kissed, cuddled, had more sex with your WS, Infidelity would've NEVER happened?!! Is it really that simple? This is also the marching call of many "Recovery" books & seminars that state similar directives to heal the marriage.

I personally was extremely affectionate when I was with my STBX - I would hold her hand even when I was driving and touching her all the time even when she passed me by in the house.

Kissed her all the time - as I do with my current GF. Whoever I am with - I am very affactionite person - touch is important to me - So I personally can't relate to that aspect.

I am the youngest in my family so I was always the one giving affectionate - she (STBX) was the oldest and never really got it when growing up - so I would be giving it to her "all the time" - not to say shes not a major taker in that dept - she is empty in that area for sure and potentially no amount given can ever fill her up.

Yes, the eternal quest for "Uber Happiness". For some people it just is NEVER enough. Yes, no amount would've ever fill her up.

They keep yearning for that extra cherry on top...the extra frosting on the cake...that little extra indulgence. Selfish, yes...and that is an understatement. It seems all fine and dandy as long as they aren't caught! You're only a thief if you're caught...right?! Or so they believe, until D-Day.

Yes, lots of Oxytocin and strong neural pathways in the Cortex may not prevent Infidelity. My research shows that people are genetically impaired with the 5-HTT 'Happiness gene'. Link to research articles:

The Telegraph Health News:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8494966/Happiness-gene-discovered.html

Psychology Today Magazine:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201302/can-happiness-be-genetic

I can only image Cheaters reading this and going, Yay, we're off the hook. Its our damn DNA. We can't help it!

PS: Nice presentation on Happy Chemicals:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/59029/happy-chemicals.pdf

Even prior to this research that indicates that my WS is genetically predisposed to Infidelity. I am using the same limbic system brain chemistry to work for a peaceful future.

In addition to other Reconciliation items, I am also using FEAR as a deterrent. I am a Pre-Med school dropout (went on to engineering) but have trusted connections in the field. I faked medical reports (and fake prescriptions) showing that my WS and I, both got HPV and Herpes, both from her AP. Why I picked these 2 STD's is a different story. I am hopeful that her brain will instantly trigger cortisol (stress hormone) at the very thought of straying in the future!

Her self-preservation will trump self-gratification. Time will tell...

So the absence or withholding of affection, intimacy, touch, meaningful attention, etc. can lead to a drop in that feeling of being bonded to one's spouse? This explains why I felt so deeply alone even with my H within ams reach. And how I ended up feeling bonded to the OM.

It was my choice to cheat but it was not my choice to be left so vulnerable. My husband had a responsibility to our marriage, to engage in those bonding aspects of relationship. Instead, he cut me loose.

fiber - i am sorry you felt that way - the only thing you could have done was tell him or communicate with him that you felt that way - to express yourself in a manner that got your point across that you are feeling isolated - and that feel is leaving you valnerable in a sense.

buildtolast - i don't think your WS stands a chance against you in an argument with all of your logic - she is probably very lucky she has someone who actually understands things like you do - most dudes would kick her to the curb. great great research. my only advice is this is something a friend told me - is to let your significant other win some arguments - let her get her points out so she doesnt feel like she needs to go to crazytown to get attention and understanding. we probably all need to do that as well - listen and win arguments and try and hold our tongues - are we in love is the question he asks her - meaning can i help you with anything tonight? do the dishes etc to get rid of resentment etc.

thank you.

onyx, I did, in no uncertain terms, persistently for years. He would respond usually with silence, occasionally (when he felt I might actually walk) with empty promises to engage in relating, in order to reset the hook. He used withholding to make me invisible, to achieve Power Over and tear down my self esteem so that he could take control and avoid loss without having to risk making any emotipnal investment. It's only in this past year that we've both learned to recognize his abuse for what it was.

Rebuilding is much more stable now that we know what's been chewing holes in our foundation.

Justification theory in point, now proven: Justifying Killing in Self-defense.

While killing is generally wrong, killing-in-self-defense isn't, because the logic that forbids killing in general does not forbid killing in self-defense. In the same way, cheating is generally wrong, but "Cheating-When-Neglected" is justified!

So Fiber: What if you got ALL the affection, touch, attention, etc from your husband; however, there is that sexy guy at the office constantly giving you the admiration & flattery that makes you feel so good...boosts your self-esteem, ego and makes you feel desired. You know intuitively that he wants to get in your pants but you believe that you love your husband, and that you're a woman in full control and will never let things slip, ever!

Would you continue that precious dopamine inducing "feel good" relationship with your colleague as "just-friends"?

Nope. Had that chance. Didn't.

Agree Onyx. My problem is that we hardly ever argued. Her rationalizations to support her Fantasy Bubble was simply, I stopped loving her. Yes, I was working long hours and yes, I'm sure she didn't get the attention & admiration, at least not as unplugged as from the AP.

Over there, it is just the 2 of them, few minutes a day (lunches, coffee breaks) with NONE other impurities of the "reality world". Classic romance novel stuff that a husband, however good, can never compete with!