Before I get into this, I'll remind you all that I'm still not getting notices of responses to threads I'm following in this support forum. I do on the member groups, but not here. Reported this to DS some days ago, but no fix. Don't know if everyone is having this problem or a select few. But just so you know why I may not respond quickly as I'd like. I have to remember to come here and check.

Okay, with that out of the way, Gabi had an incident today that broke no contact rules. For those not around when I had my dday, May 11, 2011, Gabi had trouble totally breaking no contact. Not that she ever initiated anything, but she had trouble not responding when the OM did. For the first 3-4 weeks after dday, he kept texting her. I told her simply don't respond, but she couldn't seem to bring herself to just ignore him.

It finally ended when I put a block on her phone to his number, so it would not go through again. He tried a few other things after that, stalking, leaving notes, but she didn't "respond" in any type of conversation. My last email to him was in August of 2011 when he was stalking her, and since then she'd had little to no contact with him. Just some chance bumping into each other that never resulted in anything more than eyes meeting.

Bottom line, she had trouble not responding to him up until he was cut off sometime in June of 2011, and so she has been basically untested since then.

Today, the test returned. After months of no contact, he calls her phone today, wanting to talk. Apparently he got a new number that isn't blocked, or called from a different phone to get through.

Now, some of her problems in not responding in the early days I chalked up to being in the fog, too emotionally connected, she felt guilty and sorry for what she did to him. But now, over 21 months later, when she's declared she feels no love for him, the affair fog is a distant mist of the past, and with all she's learned and confirmed about no contact, all we'd discussed on what to do if and when he makes contact again, that by now that was something I didn't have to worry about anymore as being a significant problem.

But I'm sad to say she failed the test. When she realized it was "Bubba" on the phone (my nickname for him), instead of doing what we'd discussed she should do, when he asked her if he could talk a moment, she said yes. He asked her not to tell me about his call, and she said she wouldn't even though she knew she would, lying to him. While I'm glad it was a lie and she told me at the first opportunity (she has been near perfect on transparency since the second question on dday), it gave him the impression that she was willing to hide things from me. Even though false, it certainly sent a signal to him that she was open to keeping secrets from me, which would be an encouragement to him.

Part of her motivation at that moment was to let him know she was healing, what happened was bad, and our marriage was strong, in the hopes he'd be able to move on. We both figured since his marriage fell apart 2 years after his wife cheated on him, he may have been hoping ours was too, and he could swoop in to hold her hand. Unfortunately for him, our marriage has never been stronger.

Problem is, by agreeing to keep a secret, it sent the opposite message to him, that not all is well and good. Even though he told her he only wanted this one phone call and promised never to contact her again, I fully expect him to call her again, or text her, now that he knows he can. I seriously doubt this is over.

I have several possible responses. First, I have no fear things are getting ready to fire back up with them. If her responses to him are not changed, in time it could go there. And I did have some shortness of breath and heart palpitations similar to what I experienced in the first couple of weeks after dday. Except it didn't last for days, but about an hour on and off. But short of some major deception, I'm not believing this will lead to a renewal of the affair. She wouldn't have shared this with me if it was going that direction.

So here are the options I've thought of on how to respond to this. See which one you think is best, or offer one I haven't thought of (and no, I'm not kicking her to the curb, we're no where near that line):

1: Block his new number. That may only be a temp fix now that he may have caught on that a different number will get him in.

2. Gabi changes phone numbers. Doable, but a big hassle since she has a lot of clients that would have to be notified, and if she had new signs made on her car with the new number, the OM would easily be able to get it the next time he saw her car, which is easy since one of her clients is on his block. So she'd have to not use the signs to keep it "secret."

3. Since he thinks she agreed to not tell me, I've considered sending him an email simply saying, "She tells me everything." It might keep him away for some more months, but not sure it would solve anything.

4. Start sending him threatening messages that make me sound mentally unbalanced and dangerous, to scare him away.

5. Despite the above ideas, I'm leaning toward a variation of the following. Mainly because the above focuses on fixing *him,* but what needs to happen is for Gabi to overcome her impulse to respond positively when people want her to do something. She needs to get used to saying no. She seems to have no problem telling me that at times. To that end...

6. Next time he calls, she'd be prepared by practicing to say what our priest suggested today, "I told my husband about your last call and I'll tell him about this one. Don't call me again. Bye."

7. Though part of me says this may not be a good idea, email Bubba and tell him to call my W as often as he wants. So she'll get plenty of practice at turning him down and not engaging him in conversation. A little of that rejection and he should stop of his own accord.

She also set up a meeting for counseling at a local clinic, to work on figuring out why she has little to no backbone in turning men down in these situations. It may become important the next time opportunity presents itself to her, to avoiding another affair.

It is clear to me she has to work though this and deal with this character flaw to ensure this doesn't happen again. She has promised to not engage him in conversation again, ever. I believe she wants to, but I thought she knew better before. So I'm naturally a little skeptical she will do it. I know she *can* do it. But she needs to get better at being rude when she needs to be, when it is important to be.

Thoughts?