We recently had a good post placed on the Sexual Abuse board and it is still there gaining input. It is entitled "My hero is now my boogie man" and it was posted by bbgirl418 and is a good post to read and share about. But it lead to a question about forgiving your abuser - the hows and whys. I posted why I forgave my abusers in length on that thread, but it made me wonder about others who have, or have not, forgiven or tried to forgive their abusers. I thought I would place this here along with the SA forum/
My own stance is that the forgiveness is not for their benefit, but for you as the victim. These people sexually abused you - do you really think they give a flip about your feelings toward them? If they did, the offense would not have occurred. So I believe you forgive others in order to better yourself. Carrying anger, hatred and rage is destructive to you, not them - again, they could probably care less and maybe, seeing that you have been able to overcome their abuse will make them think about their actions and the effects.
For me it is not a one time thing. I still get angry over aspects of what occurred to me, and I experience it and then process through it. Then I forgive them again. It is an on-going process. But it is possible, because I experience it many times over. And the reasons that I do this is because I truly believe that if I allow such negativity into my heart, then their abuse is still changing and corrupting me. I don't condone or make excuses for my abusers, but I say "I forgive" and I know that if either were still alive and in trouble and asked for help I would help them because I am better than them in that way. I just absolutely REFUSE to allow the abuse to change me or my personality in any further way than it already has. I will not give one more second or ounce of pain to the abuse unless I can't help it. I want to love and respect others and that is difficult when you carry hatred in your heart. Now I would never allow them or any one else to abuse me again, but I will not allow the past acts they forced on me to keep directing my present and future outlook.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT LETTING THE ABUSERS GET AWAY WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR - it's about changing your thinking for the better and forming a healthier attitude. They still have all the blame for what they did and should be held responsible.
So I am throwing this out there, knowing that others will not exactly agree, but my point is - if they are not aware or they do not care about your feelings, then why do you let this ultimate negativity reside in your heart? Isn't forgiveness just another stage of healing? Isn't it a way of sort of thumbing your nose at them to say "you cannot hurt or change me any longer in any way"? I guess I have just always been averse to turning into a hate-filled person, because I see my abusers as such.
So who do you think forgiveness helps - you or the abuser? Who is hurt by holding these feelings - IMO not them in the least, and especially with my abusers, as they are dead. They have no idea how I feel toward them, or if they do they can't do anything about it now. BTW - neither ever tried to apologize or make amends for their actions.
But I do believe the saying "hatred corrupts it's container" - so maybe this is where I am coming from.
You may not be there yet, and may never be, but wouldn't that be a goal toward ultimate healing? Not saying you have to aim at this, I am just asking......