Healthy Sex Support Group
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I posted this in 'Healthy Relationships', but perhaps this group is more fitting? I hope cross-posting is okay. I can certainly use all the advice I can get! I am back at Daily Strength after a lengthy hiatus. I am not sure this is the ideal support group for my dilemma, but it seemed the best fit from the choices. I don't expect to make any fans with this post, but I am going to be honest.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
I have three men in my life at the moment. I am 51 and have a husband of 26 years. I have been unhappy/bored/ out of love for probably the past 15 years. I really DON'T want to be married anymore, but am paralyzed by the enormity of untangling a marriage of such long standing. Financially, family-wise, etc. In addition, I know it would devastate my husband, who is basically a good person.
The second man is a single man I have fallen completely in love with. We were together once, in December. Since (and before) he makes dates, then calls them off. We have long chats/cybersex, then he ignores me for days. He told me he loves me, needs me, wants a chance with me if I am ever single...then turned cold again. I get my hopes up, then I end up in tears. Multiple times. He has been single for 6 years and told me I was the first woman he made love to in years...but he won't come back for more. His reasoning is that I am married and he believes fundamentally that it is wrong and he has never even entertained the idea of being with a married woman before. I understand that, but why the back-and-forth? I told him last evening that I would be satisfied with just being friends and he told me that he believed we would have our time and place and that it would all come together somehow. So now I am hopeful again...but what the hell does that really mean...? I have tried cutting off contact twice, but I can't stay away. It's a roller coaster ride form hell.
The third man is someone I sought out as a replacement for the second. He is also married. We get together about once a week and have a great time. We are both very sexual, so are well-suited, and we have a lot of laughs. He is crazy about me. I like him a lot, but can't get man # 2 out of my head...
I have a feeling this mess of my own making will one day explode and destroy my life (I also still troll online dating sites and have considered risky undertakings like meeting with a couple for sex). Does anyone have any advice for me? I need a way to get over guy #2 and a way to resolve my marriage issue...even if it means divorce.
Guy #2 is (I guess) out of the picture. He finally has his fill of my emotional messages. I have OCD. Even though I know such messages drive men away, I am unable to control myself. His hot/cold way of being is a huge OCD trigger. He was actually more patient than most, but Monday night he told me that we needed to have as little contact as possible. We are still Facebook friends and will still run into each other at events. It really bugs me that HE was the one to end it. As I said, I tried twice before unsuccessfully.
I am sad off and on, but I know it will take time. really fighting the urge to msg him again. i know that would not end well.
#2 is back...or was. We had a couple days of very pleasant conversation and then it went off the rails last evening. He is obsessed with involving other people...threesomes, etc...only with me. I find this odd in itself, as he has only had non-online sex with me once, back in December. However, I am open to that. I made some suggestions of people I know who we would also be open to it and who we could involve. I believe it was a mistake and may have upset him...the fact that he knew these people and that they seem to be interested in me. I have told him over and over that I only want him and any others would be to make him happy, not for me.
So, I finally asked him why he could not just see me. His first response was that, if he had sex with again, he knew he would want it constantly...daily...and that was impossible since I am married. He said this scared him. Then he said the other reason was that he wanted me closer, for whatever reason. Within 10 minutes. He then said that he was alone at home, doing nothing. If I lived within 10 minutes, I could come see him. I said I could, anyway. I am only 30 minutes away and willing to make the trip. I asked why. he said he didn't know, it was just the way his mind worked. I told him it made no sense. He said sorry. I told him he was hurting me. He said sorry and "I should have said nothing' and has ignored me since. Of course, my OCD kicked in and I sent him a bunch of desperate messages, which he did not respond to.
WTF? This 'reason' for not seeing me is beyond ridiculous and I feel he was being deliberately cruel. I have been crying off-and-on since. In the cold sober light of day, I wish I could take back the pathetic messages I sent, but that is impossible.
Going forward, i know N/C is the way to go, but it is impossible at the moment. There is a function coming up at my home in a month and a half and he is a key player. I will have to stay in contact at least until then.
I love this guy, but he shows signs of being a narcissist, so I am trying not to blame the way he treats me on my own shortcomings. He pontificates on his Facebook page and has a 'harem' of adoring female 'friends' who hang on his every word and pump up his ego. he does not take criticism well at all. He loves to play the internet troll game and is often cutting and cruel in his remarks. he told me his relationship with his ex-wife was one of love/hate and like an addiction. He told me he is addicted to me. Perhaps this is just how he relates to women.
I am drained, depressed, tired of crying over this man.
Quite frankly, and I apologize in advance if this reply seems cruel, but I get the notion, you are thriving off this on again off again scenario. Do I take whats behind curtain #1, oor #2 or possibly big box #3.
You're a big girl, your decisions should reflect that no matter your physical changes and desires. 2 is playing you like a pinata, taking a whack, then inviting friends in to take a turn too? Please
You're better than that.
Still hold to my 1St impulse, go cold turkey til you figure whats best, or, jmo, someone is going to be very hurt, your H for sure and mist likely you also.
Again, I apologize for being crass, certainly do not wish any bad things, but absolutely do not wish to condone this in any way.
Que sera sera.
#2's Facebook status today was a bit about golf and Tiger Woods and how cheating means the individual is a failure. perhaps...but can you spell 'hypocrisy'?